Fear of Flying

“I’m sorry,” is what Zayn said when he showed up at my doorstep at midnight two days later. I just scoffed, turning and walking back into my flat, leaving the door open. “I am!” he called after me. I heard the door shut, so I knew he had let himself in.

“For what exactly?” I shot, as I walked into the kitchen to put the kettle on the burner. It was clear I wouldn’t be going to bed anytime soon no matter what the outcome of this was. “For being a twat to me over the phone because I didn’t just drop everything and come over? Or avoiding me for the last two days?”

There was only a short pause, “Both.”

“Whatever.”

He sighed and I heard his footsteps approach me slowly. “I was a twat, I agree. I had had a rough day and I wanted to see you. It’s no excuse, but that’s all I’ve got. And I haven’t been around the last few days before because I was embarrassed.” I could feel him right behind me, his body heat radiating into my back.

I sighed, “Do you want a cuppa?”

“Sure.”

I busied myself with making tea. Mostly so I wouldn’t have to look at him. I knew as soon as I did I’d completely lose my backbone again and I wanted a few moments to make him sweat.

After I finished though, I sat a mug down next to him on the counter before I took mine into the living room. He tentatively followed me then sat next to me on the couch.

“Kennedy,” he sighed after a long moment of silence. “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” I said taking a sip. “It’s just frustrating. You only call me anymore when you want to hook up, and it’s usually at an ungodly hour. We were more than that once, we were friends too.” Friends. Even when he seems to only fuck with my head he always made that term abundantly clear.

“We are friends.” He reached over and stroked my thigh, “I care about you so much Kennedy. You know that. And I’m sorry if I’ve treated you like anything less, I really am.”

I could feel the bitterness I had to the whole situation melting away at the sincerity in his voice. I hated that he seemed to have this weird hold on me that I couldn’t control. My life would be so much easier if I wasn’t so into him. I sighed and turned to him after I set my still half full mug on the table, “Are you staying?”

A hint of a smile graced his perfect lips, “Does that mean I’m forgiven?”

I tucked my head against the back of the couch as I looked up at him through my lashes, “I’d say you were.” I bit my lip in slight embarrassment.

“You’re so cute,” he chuckled.

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Sure.”

We ended up watching Star Wars in the dark on my couch. He’d pulled me into his lap as the opening credits rolled up. I loved when Zayn was affectionate like this even if it was only when we were alone. He absentmindedly ran his hand up and down my thigh which did nothing but distract me from what was happening on screen.

I arched my neck and placed a soft kiss below his ear, which caused him to turn his attention to me and place his lips softly to mine. Zayn’s kisses were amazingly addicting. It was hard to just have one without getting greedy.

My hands rose up around his neck to hold him in place as I kissed him back. I ran my tongue against his bottom lip and it only took him a second to sigh into my mouth as he opened his.

It didn’t take long for us to completely forget the movie and get lost in each other. It’s what we do best after all; skin against skin, smacking lips.

This time however, he was slow- careful with me. He rolled his hips against mine in the most slowly fluid motion that would shoot bursts of pleasure throughout my body. He ran his hands and his lips all over my body like he was trying to commit it to memory. The way he would whisper my name into my skin made my toes curl and my body arch into him more.

We ended up missing the entire movie, though who hasn’t seen Star Wars? It was late when we came down from our blissful high. I was grateful to whatever God there was that I didn’t have class or work tomorrow (today?).

I pulled him off the couch and into the shower so we could wash the post sex aura off of us, but that just ended up being more kissing and touching than actual washing. After the hot water ran out, we got out and climbed into my bed after drying off.

This was the Zayn I liked so much. The one that laughed freely at anything and everything, the one that would hold my hand just for the hell of it, the one that would kiss me until I was breathless, and hold me against his chest as we settled into sleep.

Eleanor and everyone else didn’t understand why I stuck around because they didn’t see this side of us. If they did, they wouldn’t be questioning my choices and just let me, us, be.

*****

I should have seen it coming really. He’d started acting too... affectionate?

Falling back into the routine with Zayn was easy. It always had been. For the next few days, he’d end up in my bed at night, and even text me periodically though the day. I tried not to read into his actions too much, but it was hard not to.

Again, I should have known something was up, but I chose to ignore the fact that he was paying me more attention and being extra sweet. If only I would have known it was to soften the blow.

If only it wasn’t my best friend that did it for him.

We were sitting at the café on campus when it happened. She just came to our table with our drinks when she, accidently, did it. “How come you didn’t tell me you and Zayn ended your… ‘friendship’?”

It was hard to swallow the coffee I’d just sipped, “Um, because we haven’t?”

Her face fell, “What? Are you serious?”

“Yes… in fact he’s been really… attentive lately. Why?”

I saw the pity in her eyes which only confused me even more. “He… didn’t tell you?”

“Spit it out El!” I snapped, “What are you talking about?”

“He’s got a date,” she said softly, “With that bird from Little Mix.”

“What?” I tried not to shrike, but I didn’t do a very good job. A few people at the tables around us shot a few looks my way. “Perrie? He’s going out on a date with Perrie?”

She nodded, “Yeah. I heard it from Louis. We thought that meant you guys stopped… Are you serious? That… that… asshole didn’t tell you?” Now the best friend fury was coming out of her.

I was feeling a bit numb though. Perrie. He was going on a date with Perrie Edwards. The girl he’d openly said he’s liked for I don’t know how long. But she’s never given him the time of day, up until now apparently. Eleanor was still ranting angrily when I came out of my thoughts, “Maybe it’s not what we think,” I tried, “Maybe Lou got it wrong.”

The anger on her face melted back into pity, “Yeah,” she said weakly, “Maybe.”

I didn’t want to believe it. But it made so much sense, why he was being so sweet lately. It was like he was buttering me up to knock me down. As I thought that I got offended. Like he couldn’t just tell it to me straight, he had to build me up to let me down easy? I wasn’t that pathetic (maybe I was). I could handle him telling me the truth.

That’s how I ended up banging on his door that night. I didn’t give him a chance to speak when he opened the door, “You’re going on a date with Perrie Edwards and couldn’t find the decency to tell me?”

He winced at my words, “Come inside and we can talk about this.”

I scoffed as I pushed my way pasted him through the door, “What’s to talk about? Why didn’t you tell me? Why did I have to hear it from Eleanor?” I demanded as he shut the door. “What was the point of making up a few days ago if you were just planning on being an asshole again? Why all the sleepovers and the sweet texts? All so you could just go on some date with someone else?”

“We’re not dating Kennedy!” he barked at me. It was like he took a knife to my chest with those four little words. He huffed, frustrated “You knew we weren’t anything more than what we were. I wanted to tell you I had a date with Perrie but I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

I crossed my arms over my chest to try and dull the blow, but it didn’t work. I tried to compose my face into what I hoped was a stoic stare, “So, what? You were just going to let me find out through one of our friends? Or worse, a gossip magazine?! I thought I meant a little bit more to you than that.”

“You do. You’re one of my closest friends, which is why it is so hard for me to tell you I met someone else. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did. I don’t know what more you want me to say.”

The realization dawned on me then, “How long have you been talking to her?” Despite my best efforts, my words came out broken.

He rubbed at his neck, which is what he did when he felt uncomfortable, “A while. Since the beginning of tour I guess.”

Well that explained why he hardly talked to me while he was gone. Meanwhile I was sitting here like an idiot. As always. He must really like her, I mean, he was taking her out, in public, on a date. All those times he told me he wasn’t in the right place for a relationship, he really meant a relationship with me.

When he realized I wasn’t going to say anything he spoke up, “I never wanted to hurt you Ken. Never. This… there was…” he sighed trying to figure out what to say, as if anything could make this hurt less for me. “We would… we couldn’t ever be more than what we were, you have to understand that. I couldn’t do…” he sighed again, rethinking what he was going to say, “I’m not good for you. You deserve a whole lot better, and you should know that. I’m sorry it’s happened like this, I really am.”

I didn’t know what to say to him. There was a lot running through my head, but nothing I could actually form into words. I could feel the lump in my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. There was also a tingling in my eyes as I tried so hard to fight off tears. This was how Zayn and I ended. I guess I kind of knew it would happen eventually, though a huge part of me hoped it would turn into something more than it was, but I never thought it would end like this. With another girl or end so suddenly.

I nodded, taking in all his words, “I guess that’s it then.”

I tried walking around him to the door, but he stopped me. He grabbed my arm lightly, “Kennedy I… I still want to be friend. I still care about you.”

I carefully pulled my arm out of his grasp. I couldn’t meet his gaze, “Yeah,” I said weakly. “Goodbye Zayn.”