Fear of Flying

“I can’t believe he did that to you,” Eleanor seethed. I knew she would react this way, which is why I didn’t want to tell her between classes, but she insisted. “What a fuckin’ wanker, seriously. I’m so going to chew him out.”

I sighed, “El, no. Just leave it. We weren’t together, he didn’t do anything wrong.” Even though technically he hadn’t, I was still hurt. The ache inside my chest hadn’t gone away even after I had finally let myself cry last night. I felt like I’d lost something even though I really never even had it.

She looked at me bewildered, “How are you okay with this Kennedy?”

I shrugged, “I’m not. It sucks. But you yelling at him isn’t going to change anything. I should have known he didn’t- I knew Zayn didn’t feel the same, I just chose to ignore it because I like him so much.” I sighed, “I just- I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Talk about what?” Of course. Alfie always had the worst timing ever.

“Nothing.”

He eyed me before glancing at Eleanor who just shrugged. He turned back to me, “No offence sweets, but you look like hell. Did you sleep at all last night?”

“Not really. Bad night.”

“Then why are we going to class?” He scoffed, “Let’s ditch.”

“Maybe you should Ken. Take your mind off things. Plus our class tomorrow is cancelled too, so party it up!” She was trying to cheer me up, but I hated that. I didn’t need her trying to protect me.

Alfie elbowed me, “Come on Kenny, you know you want too. Plus, I didn’t do the homework anyway.”

“Do you ever do the homework?” I asked.

“Rarely. It’s easier to just do it in class. Now come on, let’s ditch. I’ll buy you lunch.”

I sighed, “Fine. But I’m holding you too the lunch offer.”

A massive smile crossed his face. When Alfie smiled, it was no wonder why his band had so many female fans, and why girls were always stealing glances at him on campus. He was fit! And that grunge look he had going on gave off that ‘bad boy’ persona that drove any girl mental. “You coming El?”

“Nope, I have a paper due in my next class. But you two have fun. Try and get her to smile Alf. Her hearts a little broken,” she said as she gathered her things.

“Way to be subtle El,” I shot.

Alfie looked at me with concern before he threw his rucksack over his shoulder, “Come on, let’s go get some food.”

I grabbed my stuff, and hugged Eleanor goodbye before I started following Alfie out to the car park. “So… do you want to talk about it?” He said after we had been walking in silence for a few minutes.

I shrugged, “There’s not much to say really. Zayn and I were hooking up, now we’re not.”

He shoved his hands in his pockets, “But you really liked him.” I just shrugged. I’ve never really talked about my thing with Zayn with Alfie, but he vaguely knew about it. He sighed and threw his arm over my shoulder, “Don’t worry kid. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

“He wasn’t even my fish. He just stole the bait and left,” I scoffed.

He barked out a laugh, “You really took that and ran with it. His loss anyway, you’re fit as hell and have a flawless personality.”

I snorted a laugh, “Thanks Alf.”

We got to his car then and he opened the passenger door for me, “No problem sweets.”

The thing about Alfie’s car was this; It was a little white, beat up Honda that I think has been in his family since his birth. He had a laminate hanging off his rearview mirror that was from the first (and only so far) tour his band has gone on. It was faded and you could hardly make out the dates and band names off it anymore. There was always at least 1 acoustic guitar in the backseat, usually under a few discarded shirts, and a pair of old combat boot on the floor of the backseat. You always had to move CD’s out of the way to be able to have a place for your feet, and there were always handfuls of guitar picks in the cup holders. Plus the smell- the car always smelled like his cologne and a hint of cigarette smoke and coffee.

It was Alfie in car form.

When he started the car the speakers started blasting Nirvana. “Sorry,” he said as he turned it down, “I was really in a Cobain mood this morning.”

“You’re such a cliché sometimes,” I smirked.

“What’s wrong with being a cliche?” He asked as he backed out of the spot and started to drive, “I mean, if you think about it, we all are.”

“That’s true I guess.”

“Well I still think he’s a nob,” he said going back to our first topic, “He doesn’t know what he had.”

I felt my face heat up at his words, “Stop with the compliments!” I tried to hold in my laugh.

“I will not!” barked passionately in that Alfie way of his. “I don’t know what happened but he’s lost something amazing!”

“Well I’m glad you think so.”

“What, you don’t?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. If I’m so awesome, why wasn’t I good enough for him? Why didn’t he want me?”

“Kennedy,” he sighed. “Take it from a guy, we’re fucking stupid. We never know a good thing until it’s too late. And we have terrible taste in everything. You were more than good enough for him sweets, he just doesn’t know what he had.”

Even though he was telling me all these things, it was still hard for me to believe it. How could I fall for someone, so hard, and not even have them feel even a little bit the same for me? It sucks, it hurts and I wish I could go back and tell myself to just not to do it. Was it worth it, to have him, the little piece he actually let me have, in the long run? Was it worth it when it just ended in be feeling so… crushed?

“Stop it,” he said glancing at me before looking back at the road. “You’re in your head, and over thinking everything, I know that face. You’re perfect Kennedy. Maybe you and the pretty boy weren’t perfect for each other.”

I rolled my eyes at the ‘pretty boy’ comment. He’s always called him that since the first time he saw him. He always thought Zayn was way to ‘pretty.’ I agree, he looked more like a male model than a boy band member, he was beautiful… I probably should have known just from that. He was way out of my league. I sighed, “Let’s just not talk about it. I don’t want to think about it.”

“Deal. So what are we getting for lunch?”

*****

After spending the afternoon with Alfie, where he bought me way too much at Nando’s, I had a short shift at Brewed Awakening before I was finally able to hide in my flat. I took a long hot shower and got into my favorite flannel pj pants and an old tank top. I was ready to just chill for the night, and not have to think about anything until work tomorrow night.

I was laying on the couch trying to find something to watch on the tellie while also thinking about finding something to eat when the doorbell rang.

I huffed. I didn’t want to get up. If I sit here and not make any noise, maybe they’d go away.

They rang the doorbell again, then after a moment it started ringing incessantly. I ground loudly this time, “Alright! I’m coming, calm down!” I threw the door open and there stood Harry, with a smirk, a tight black sweater, his skin tight jeans riding low on his hips and that ugly grey beanie hiding his curls. “What do you want?”

“Well, you weren’t answering your phone. Eleanor told me what happened.” He held up some shopping bags, “So I brought alcohol, ice cream, candy, you know- chocolate and stuff. Plus some other random things I thought we could use. Now are you going to let me in or are you going to sulk at me in the door way?”

I debated just closing the door on him. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about anything and Harry was a talker. But then again, alcohol and ice cream sounded amazing. I sighed, “Get in here Styles. What kind of alcohol did you bring?”

He walked himself into my tinny kitchen and placed the bag on the counter before he pulled out the vodka.

“Wow, Eleanor really did tell you everything.”

He shrugged, “I know how you felt about him, so I figured it was vodka bad.”

I reached over, pulling the bottle closer to me, “Yeah,” I said softly.

“Hey,” he said walking around the counter, “You’ll be okay, yeah?” The concern in his voice was what got to me. I could feel tears burning behind my eyes and I bit my bottom lip to keep it from trembling. It’s to the point that even picturing Zayn’s face I wanted to cry. I sniffed and Harry pulled me into his chest and held me to him. I clung to his sweater as I fought so hard to not let the tears fall. “He’s an idiot Kenny.”

One tear creeped out and I turned my face to wipe it away, “I can’t- I don’t want to talk about it.”

“We don’t have too. I’m here to try and take your mind off things.”

“Then I want that ice cream.”

*****

“Oh my god! Oh my god! O-M-G! HARRY! You bought Disney princess temporary tattoos?!” I was good and drunk at this point. Having had most of the vodka in one of the bottles Harry brought. Thankfully, we hadn’t mentioned Zayn’s name once.

Judging by the red in his cheeks and the giggle that came out of him at my excitement, Harry was drunk too. He shrugged as he threw back another shot, “They were by the check out. I thought, why not? There’s also another sheet in there with butterflies and dragonflies!”

“Oh my god, put one on me!” I jumped up, stumbling a bit, “I’ll go get a sponge.” I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the sponge, wetting it before grabbing a pair of scissors, then running back to the living room. I crashed onto the floor, practically falling to Harry’s lap, “Whoa, sorry. I think the vodka’s done its job.”

His arm wrapped around my waist, steadying me a bit, “’s’alright, watch the scissors! So what tattoo do you want?” he asked as he ripped open the package.

“Ariel! Duh! She’s the best!”

He started cutting out one of the Ariel tattoos, “I was always partial to Belle.”

I scoffed, “No, she wasn’t even technically a princess!”

“Wasn’t the Beast a prince?” He placed the tattoo on the inside of my wrist and began to pat the sponge on it.

“You know, I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve seen that one.”

“I think he was. So then she did become a princess!”

“Whatever, Ariel still wins all.”

He just hummed in response as he slowly pealed the paper back to reveal my knew Little Mermaid tattoo. “Looks nice,” he mumbled. He leaned down and blew on it. When his breath hit my skin goosebumps danced across my skin. “There you go,” he said holding my wrist up to show me, “All tatted up.

I admired the handy work, “Nice. Now only 100 more and I can catch up to you doodle pad!”

“Excuse you! I am not a doodle pad! And I don’t have 100 tattoos.” His hand had fallen into my lap, grazing the inside of my thigh. I was trying everything in my power not to focus on it.

“Yet,” I scoffed. I grabbed the tattoo sheet out of off his lap, “So what do you want? Belle?”

He shook his head, leaning into me to point to the sheet, “I want Chip. The tea cup would look nice on me yeah?”

I nodded, “Where do you want it?”

He looked down at his arms before shrugging, “Dunno, you choose.”

“Let’s put it under ‘Things I Can.’”

I cut the tattoo out sloppily before basically slapping it on right under his script. As I was about to put the sponge to it I hesitated and looked up at him with a serious face, “This might hurt.”

He erupted with laughter, throwing his head back and everything. “Okay, well then hold my hand!”

He grabbed one of my hands as I started dabbing the sponge on his tattoo with the other. “We’re almost done, I hope you’re not in too much pain.”

“I don’t know how I’ll bare one more second Kennedy, hurry up,” he laughed.

After I put that one on him, we kept drinking and putting on tattoos. I had them all over me, and he had them all over his arms and overlapping some of his real tattoos. The whole time we couldn’t stop laughing.

“Okay, okay, okay, okay!” Harry huffed. “We’ve got one more butterfly left. Where do you want it?”

I looked down at myself. I had princesses and butterflies and dragonflies all over my arms and legs. “Oh my god! I have an idea! Put it on my tummy, so I can match yours!” I giggled.

“Hey, it’s a moth thank you very much!”

“Yeah, same thing,” I waved off as I pulled my tank top off, leaving me just in the bra. My skin was instantly cooling off my vodka induced clammy skin. I laid on my back and threw my arms up, “Tat me!”

“Okay, okay!” He crawled over me, throwing his leg over my waist, but threw himself off balanced and fell back on my pelvis.

I groaned, “Wow, thanks, I don’t want to have a usable uterus or anything.

“Sorry. You tripped me!”

I barked out a laugh, “Did not! I’m just laying here you twat! Now tattoo me!”

He smirked as he glared down at me, “Fine.” He leaned down and slowly licked across my upper torso under my bra. Chills ran across my skin, and I got tingly everywhere. He sat back up after he licked a massive square into my skin before he smacked the tattoo on me and sponged it on. He pulled the paper off and blew on the tattoo. “There,” he finally said after a long, long moment of blowing on me, his lips much too close to my skin. “Now we match,” he said lifting up his shirt a bit.

His face was real close to mine, his arm by my head holding him up while the other one caressed its way down to my waist. I reached up, pushing his shirt back up and started tracing the moth tattoo on his chest, “Yep. We match.”

And then Zayn crept back into my mind. I could feel the gloom looming back even under the vodka haze. “Harry,” I said looking back up at him, “Why didn’t he want me?”

I watched his lazy smile turn into a frown, “Because he’s a dick. He doesn’t realize how amazing you are.”

I scoffed and pushed him off of me so I could sit back up, “Why does everyone keep saying that? That’s such a bullshit answer.”

He rolled his eyes, “Well what do you want me to say, ‘I told you so?’ We all warned you Kennedy. You know he was never going to be with you! He made that real clear from the start, but you didn’t seem to care when while you were slagging off with him!”

“You’re such an asshole Harry,” I barked out as I stood up and stalked off to my room. I slammed my door and fell onto my bed. I didn’t want to cry, but his painfully true words were like a stab in the chest almost as bad as it was when Zayn ended things. As a few tears fell I whipped them away quickly, trying to get my emotions in check, but the vodka wasn’t really allowing that.

I heard my door open and close softly. My back was too him and I refused to turn around, “Kennedy,” he sighed. “Kenny, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.

“Yes you did, which makes it that much worse.”

“Kenny-”

“Don’t call me that,” I whined. “Only my best friend can call me that and I don’t know who you are right now.”

I heard him sigh again before I felt my bed shift under his weight. I felt him crawl up behind me before he wrapped an arm around me. I wanted to push him away, but it felt nice being close to someone, “Kenny I’m sorry for what I said. You’re not a slag that was out of order for me to say.”

“We’re drunk. Whatever.”

“I’m still sorry. And I’m sorry for how Zayn treated you. You didn’t deserve that either. You’re too good for him anyway.”

“I wish I could believe you,” I whispered as tears fell. I sniffed as I whipped them away.

His grip on my wais tightened. I felt him press his lips to my shoulder, peppering butterfly kisses all the way to the crook of my neck, “Don’t for one second thing you weren’t good enough, because you are. You’ll find someone better, I promise.”

“Don’t make a promise you can’t keep Harry.”

His hand grazed over mine before he laced his fingers with mine, “You’ll get through this.”

I didn’t’ say anything. I just gripped his hand tighter as I pulled it more against my chest, locking him around me as I let more tears fall. I hated that I was crying over this still, but I was glad to have him with me.