Fear of Flying

“How sick are you?” I asked through the phone. I just got out of my psych class and I had a bunch of notes and assignments for my poorly best friend who’d missed the whole week.

I heard her sniff, “I’m not as terrible as I have been.” I heard her clear her throat a bit, “Lou’s been the best boyfriend ever taking care of me.”

I pretended to gag at her last comment, “Well, doesn’t he deserve the ‘best boyfriend ever award.’”

She scoffed, “Don’t be bitter,” she joked.

“I’m not, I think he’s lovely, you know that,” and I meant it. “Anyways, I have notes and the take home quiz that’s due Monday.” I sat down at an empty table in the quad as I tried to balance the phone between my shoulder as I pulled my notebook back out of my rucksack. “I don’t know when you want me to drop by so I thought I’d call.”

“Well,” she coughed softly, “Can you drop it today? Once I shower I should feel better.”

“Yeah, I can do that. I don’t have time to swing by now, I have to stop in to the café for a short 3 hour shift and I have to stop at the library and photocopy the notes for you and go home and change, but I can stop by after.”

“You’re amazing. I owe you my life.”

I chuckled, “Please always remember that.”

“I shall try. So I’ll see you later then?”

“Yeah, somewhere around 5 I think.”

She sniffed again, “Okay. I’ll be here.”

“Get some rest girly.”

*****

“Have you shagged Alfie yet?” Mary asked right as I was clocking out and she was clocking in. “And if the answer is no, I have a follow up question; Why not?”

“Wait, who’s Alfie?” Liza asked from her desk, turning around in her computer chair.

“You know,” Mary went on, “That kid who looks like an original member of The Sex Pistols.” I rolled my eyes at her comment. She was always comparing Alfie to some old punk band. “He comes in every once in a while when our little Kennedy here is working.”

“He’s just a friend,” I huffed.

“Wait, is he the cute one with the fabulous blue eyes and the jean jackets?”

“And the flannel and the ‘come fuck me’ face,” Mary added.

Liza sent her a sharp look, “Watch the language. I may be a hip 35 year old but someone out front could hear you,” she motioned to the open door. Then she turned to me, “He does ooze sex appeal, Mary isn’t too far off.”

Mary gave me a smug smile, “Told ya.”

“You two are unbelievable,” I sighed. “We’re friends.”

“Yeah, but you need a rebound shag to get over Zayn, and that boy would love to be the rebound shag.”

“How do you know?” Liza and I asked at the same time.

Mary shrugged, “Because I know guys like him. I’ve shagged guys like him. He’s carefree and all about ‘living in the moment’ and all that crap. It’s kind of annoying if you ever want a real relationship, but you just need to get laid, so why not use that amazing body of his to do it?”

“I’m not shagging Alfie,” I said as I threw my bag over my shoulder as I headed for the door.

“What about Harry?” They both called after me.

“Goodbye you two!”

*****

I was half way between Louis and Eleanor’s driveway and the front door (which really isn’t too far of a stretch there) when the door opened. I froze when I saw him, and when he turned forward after shutting the door, he saw me and froze too.

I may have been stuck in my spot but my mind was racing. While I was debating whether or not to just jump back in my car and come back later, he took a step closer to me apprehensively. I watched, still frozen, as he took his bottom lip between his teeth before clearing his throat, “Uh, hey Kennedy.”

As much as I was wishing he’d try and talk to me or come see me since he broke things off, I realized now how not ready I really was to encounter Zayn. “Hi,” I managed to squeak out. He looked good. Really good actually. His hair was perfectly styled, his eyes were bright and before he turned around and saw me, he had a massive smile on his face. Now he had a grim frown… well I guess it wasn’t technically a frown, but he sure didn’t look super excited to be standing before me.

He took a few more steps towards me, so there was only a small space between us, “How have you been? I’ve been wanting to talk to you,” he winced, “But I didn’t think you’d want to hear from me.”

He sounded sad which killed me. Like, the thought that I’ve crossed him mind in the last like, 3 weeks pierced my heart and shattered it. I know this is what I’ve wanted all along, but now that I know he’s been thinking about wanting to talk to me, while being incredibly happy with her really hurts. I felt like I had trouble breathing, like I had to force air into my lungs so I could answer, “I’m- I’ve been alright I guess.”

He lifted his hand up like he wanted to touch me, but thinking better of it, he dropped it back to his side. “Look, I’m sor-”

“I can’t- I can’t do this here Zayn,” I hated how weak I sounded but I couldn’t stand here anymore. He was so close, close enough that I could smell his cologne and the faint smell of cigarette smoke. The familiar sent of him hurt me just as much as the pleading look in his eyes.

He rubbed the back of his neck as he nodded. His face was still pinched, “Okay. Do you think we could maybe, I don’t know, get together and talk soon? I just,” he sighed, “I want to make this right between us.”

I shrugged, finding it hard to meet his gaze, “I don’t know. I’ve got midterms and stuff, I’m really busy.” I knew that was a copout, but I couldn’t deal with this right now. It was all too fresh.

If it were even possible, his face dropped even more at my words. “Oh, well okay. I’ll just uh, see you.”

“Yeah,” I whispered. As he stepped around me, his hand brushed mine and gave it a squeeze. It was a quick gestured, but I swear it was like he reached in and squeezed my heart.

I stood there, staring blankly at the front door of El’s house as I waited to hear his car door open and shut. Then, only when I heard his car start did I actually walk up to the door. It was impossible not to notice that he still hadn’t drove off yet.

I took a deep breath, ignoring the hum of Zayn’s engine, as I knocked on the door. I only waited for a few seconds before the door opened and Louis smiled at me, “Hey-“ then he glanced over my shoulder and I swear to god I saw pity on his face before he smiled down at me sadly, “I thought he’d be gone before you got here. Sorry.” I shrugged as I brushed passed him into the house. I heard Zayn drive off as the door shut, “Are you okay?” Lou asked as he turned to me.

“Honestly, no.”

Without any hesitation, Louis pulled me into a hug. I didn’t know it before, but this was exactly what I needed. “You’ll be okay eventually Kenny,” he said into my hair before he kissed the crown of my head. “I promise.”

“What’s going on?” I heard Eleanor’s scratchy voice call down from the top of the stairs.

Louis let me go as we turned to look up at El, “Zayn didn’t leave early enough,” Lou explained.

Eleanor looked at me panicked, “Oh no. Are you okay?” I shrugged as I brushed some of my dark hair out of my face, “No idea honestly.” I reached into my purse and pulled out a Superdrug bag, “I brought you some cough drops.”

“Life saver!” Louis exclaimed, “She was gonna send me out for more.” I smiled at his attempt to make the tension in the room lighter.

“Come on up,” El said before she patted away down the hallway.

I went to go up the stairs when Louis grabbed my wrist softly, “If it makes any difference, he’s been asking about you.”

I winced, “I’m not sure what to think about that.” He shrugged and let me go. With one more small smile in his direction, I turned and went upstairs to find my best friend.

In the master bedroom at the end of the hall, Eleanor was sitting up in the bed against the headboard with the comforter over her lap. There were a few tissues on the bedside table and her hair was stringy and she was paler than usual. Basically she looked more poorly than she was letting on I think. “You want to talk about it?” was the first thing she said when she saw me.

I shook my head, “Not really.”

She gave me a flat, annoyed look, “You’re impossible some times.”

I shrugged, “I just… need to process it before I can even talk about it.”

I reached down and started pulled off the stuff from class I had for her out of my purse. I heard her sigh, “Did he say anything?”

“He wants to talk. But I made an excuse, I’m not ready to talk to him.”

“Maybe you should, maybe it’ll help you-” I sent her a warning look, “Fine, avoid it. But you’ve been saying that you wanted him to act like you meant something to him, and he just showed you that you did.”

“I know,” I set the notes in her lap, “But seeing him, in person, I just… I couldn’t breathe. I just- I wasn’t ready to face him yet. I thought I was, but I wasn’t. It was like he was breaking my heart all over again.”

The annoyed look on her face melted into a sad one. “I’m sorry Dee. I know you’re hurting,” she said softly. “I wish I could do something to help. You’re my best friend, and I don’t know what to do.”

I shrugged, “You did warn me the whole time I was getting into bed with him.” I smiled weakly, “I guess you can say ‘I told you so,’” I laughed dryly.

She gave me a hard stare, “I’d never say that to you.”

“I know,” I looked down pulling at the corner of the blanket as something to distract me. “I just can’t wait for the day to come where seeing him or thinking about him doesn’t hurt.”

“It’ll happen. You just have to give it some time.” When I didn’t look up at her, she sighed again, “Okay, we don’t have to talk about this anymore. So tell me about this take home quiz.”

*****

I spend about an hour at El and Louis’ before I decided that if I stayed another minute, I’d probably catch her cold.

But I knew if I went home, I’d just sit there thinking about Zayn and feel guilty for saying I was too busy to talk to him. I’d over analyze his facial expressions and body language, and replay the short conversation and change it in my head until I went mad.

So I went somewhere to be distracted.

“So, I think I need a new cover to play at the open mic nights,” Alfie said from the floor. I was lounging on his couch, vaguely reading the chapter for my psych quiz as he played snippets of melodies and scratched down lyrics in his journal.

“What do you want to cover?”

He shrugged, “I’m not sure. I was thinking ‘7am, 2 Bottles and the Wrong Road’ by Jonny Craig.”

“That’s a mouthful,” I laughed.

He smirked at me, “Yeah. But there’s this part in it that I’d love to sing live.”

“You want to play a song just for one part?”

“Yeah, listen,” and then he started playing the acoustic in his lap. Alfie had an amazing voice, one that sounded great whether he was singing with a full band, or just keeping it mellow with his acoustic guitar. “‘Go preach your sorrows girl on someone else. My bet is, it’s gonna end real dirty. Spread your legs one time, spread your legs two times. We both know this is pathetic.’” Then he abruptly stopped. He smiled up at me, almost shy, “I’ve been dying to play this song live for years.”

“Wow,” I cleared my throat, “That’s um… an interesting song.”

“Don’t act like a prude,” he sassed. “Bitter breakup songs are the best to sing.”

I nodded, “I know,” and I did. Who hasn’t belted out a song about a breakup, and lately, that’s been my soundtrack. He just smiled at me as he started splaying random melodies on the guitar again, all the while he was still staring at me. I stuck my tongue out at him and went back to my reading.

“Are you okay?” he asked as he stopped playing the guitar. He was still staring at me when I looked back up at him, “It’s just, you seemed kind of off when you came in. Plus you’re being more quiet than usual.”

I shrugged, “Just tired I think.” I didn’t want to get into another discussion about Zayn, especially with Alfie. We hadn’t talked about him or our make out since the morning after, and I kind of preferred it that way. As fun as making out with him was, I wasn’t decided if I ever wanted it to happen again. I didn’t like how it made me feel afterwards. Though, I think that was in part with how Harry called me a slag before, but still.

He let it go easily though, he usually did. If you didn’t want to talk about something, Alfie never pushed. “Well what are you doing Friday?”

“No plans yet.”

“Well now you do,” he stated. “The band is playing at this club and we get open bar,” he smirked.

“Trying to get me drunk Alf?”

He smirked, “Always love.”

“Well, count me in.”

“Cool. We’ll swing by and pick you up before the show. You can help us unload.”

I scoffed, “I don’t remember agreeing to that part!”

“Too bad. That’s the deal; help unload, free drinks!”

I rolled my eyes, “Fine. I’m sold.”

*****

When I got home it was only 10 but I was exhausted. Emotionally and physically from getting up early for class.

I changed quickly into joggers and a tank top before practically throwing myself on my bed. It only took a second for the encounter with Zayn to feel my mind. I knew I had a right to push off his company until I was ready to handle it, but I didn’t know when I would be ready. It was still so fresh and it still hurt so much that he didn’t want me. It also didn’t help that everywhere I turned people were talking about them, and there were pictures everywhere. I know that it wasn’t his fault, and completely out of his control but it still killed me. He hadn’t chosen me, and I’d just have to figure out a way to be okay with that.

To be honest, there was only one person I really wanted to talk to right now. I reached for my phone on the nightstand where I set it before I changed and hit the speed dial.

“’llo?”

I sighed, “Harry.” It almost came out like a whine, and I winced at my voice.

“Hey Kenny. What’s wrong.”

I laid back against my pillows and tried to gather my thoughts. “Are you busy?”

“I can talk.”

I sighed, “I ran into Zayn today.”

There was only a small pause before he spoke, “I know.”

“You know?” I squeaked out.

I heard him sigh, “Louis told me. He feels bad that he didn’t get Zayn out before you got there.”

“He shouldn’t feel bad,” I sighed, “It was bound to happen eventually.”

“Well how was it?”

“It sucked,” I said honestly. “I thought I wanted him to talk to me, but I realize I’m not ready for that.”

“Just give it a bit more time Ken,” he said softly, “You’ll get over him. He wasn’t the right guy for you, you’ll find someone better.”

“I don’t what to find anyone,” I whined. “Can’t they just come to me? I’m lazy.”

He chuckled, “I don’t think it works like that love.”

“Yeah, yeah. Back to square one.” I paused for a moment in thought, “I’d settle for just a cuddle buddy actually. No strings attached,” I joked.

He snorted, “I think you can make an add for that on craigslist.”

“Maybe I will!” I shot.

He both laughed for a second then got quiet. I wanted to talk, but I didn’t know what I wanted to say. My mind was running at full speed. “So, did you talk?” he asked. “You and Zayn I mean.”

“Kind of,” I sighed. “It was more like, he asked how I’ve been.” I bit my lip thinking over the short conversation, “He said he’s been thinking about me and that he wants to talk.”

“Well that’s good yeah?”

I shrugged, more to myself than anything, “I don’t know. I told him I was busy.”

“You’re avoiding it, you know? You’re gonna have to be able to be around him eventually.”

“Yeah, well not this fucking second,” I snapped. “Wait, sorry, that was rude,” I sighed.

“’s alright.” We were quiet again. I could hear him breathing and shifting from his end. “Do you want me to come over? I can be your stand-in cuddle buddy,” he offered.

I couldn’t help the smile that graced my face at his words, “Thanks but… that’s okay. I should get some studying in for class tomorrow.”

“If you’re sure…” he trailed off.

I could feel my face heat up in a blush. I was happy he cared so much, it really made me feel better. “I am,” I assured. “But thanks Harry. That means a lot.”

“Of course.”