Here Goes Nothing..

''female, mid twenties, involved in a car collision to the passengers seat resulting in head trauma...patient was found unconscious at the scene, pulse 62, BP 100/60 and dropping'' shot the paramedic frantically as he pushed the gurney into the emergency room.

''I need a head CT, CBC, ABG, and prepare two units of blood...check for broken bones, crush injuries or internal bleeding and page the neuro specialist on call...NOW!!''

A FEW HOURS EARLIER

''hello''
''hey mum, it's me''
''sue honey, how are you?''
''fine...''
''you don't sound fine sweetie, what's wrong?'' she sounded highly concerned
''it's nothing...I miss you guys that's all''
''Sara, am your mother...talk to me''
''am not sure, woke up today with a strange feeling...like something was off''
''well we are all alright here, nothing to worry about...your sister might be coming for Christmas and she was talking about spending new year's eve at NYC''
''great! I haven't seen Tammy in ages, I really miss her...and I miss you and dad''
''we miss you more honey''
'' I got to g for now, I'll talk to you later...tell dad I say hi, and mom..'' I took in a deep breath as if I was saying it for the first time '' I love you''

I must've said it around a million times by now but for a reason this time around it felt different... something was urging me to say it, it's like I needed for her to know that it's not merely a statement, I needed her to believe IT.

AT THE HOSPITAL

''CT up yet?''
''I was about to come find you...CT shows no bleeding and her neuro exam was reassuring, although her state of unconsciousness is worrying me...I recommend she be kept under 24 hours observation with full neuro exam done hourly''
''I've seen plenty of RTA victims, never as luck as this young lady...most of them would be bleeding out on an OR table by now...but her, not even a broken bone''
''lucky indeed, any family?''
''they're contacting them as we speak''

EARLIER THAT DAY

''...regardless of how much I argue that they should stay at a hotel instead of having 16 family members crowding our house; he wouldn't listen...he thinks am being unreasonable and rude'' she stopped talking when she noticed I wasn't with her ''...soon after pink elephants started flying around spreading rainbows and fairy dust, what do you think?''
''sounds perfect'' she snapped her fingers twice infront f my face pulling me out the trance I was in ''what's with you today?''
''nothing is going on, probably just tired'' she was searching my face for the truth which tell me she didn't buy into the ''am fine'' act.
''did something happen that you are not telling me about?''
''well, something did happen...and I told no one yet, but that's a different story'' I thought to myself '' and it has nothing to do with any of this''
''sue?'' it was her turn now to sound concerned

CODE BLUE, CALLING A CODE BLUE AT 175

''that's oncology'' we both raced across the halls as soon as Allison realized...175 is Lily's room. There were nurses running in and out the room while interns hovered over the little girl's lifeless body, one with an oxygen mask and the other attempting CPR.

''WHERE IS THE DOCTOR ON CALL?''
''we paged him twice'' one of the nurses answered
''PAGE HIM AGAIN!'' I took over the resuscitation ''HOW LONG HAS SHE BEEN DOWN?''
''15 minutes doctor''
''push a tenth of EPI and get me the peddles''

The nurses seemed more at rhythm with loud instruction yelled their way..
''charge 200...clear'' you could see the electricity flow through her body but the monitor still showed a flat line
''300, clear'' still asystole ''push another EPI''
''we reached the max dose 5 minutes ago''
''DO AS I SAY''

I could feel a hand squeezing my shoulder '' Dr. Johnson, it's been 20 minutes'' I throw the peddles and resumed compressions refusing to hear what my friend was implying ''Sara! you need to call it''

I stopped mid count; suddenly the room was quite...all the busy bodies were now standing still watching in silence...The next three words were the hardest thing I had to say '' time of death 9:45 pm'' saying them out loud felt like a harsh reality check, sweet Lily was gone.

I grabbed my car keys and ran to the door not wanting to be there...the first lecture of medical ethics, the professor walked in and said ''don't make promises you can't keep''....I got to the car, slammed the door and drove away.

''I shouldn't have...I shouldn't have promised her'' I could feel the anger, helplessness and sense of defeat building up inside of me '' am sorry, am so sorry'' tears where now streaming down '' I had to let go'' I killed the engine not paying much attention to where am parked and broke down against the wheel...not sure why I picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number, all I know is I wanted to talk to him

AT THE ER

Darren arrived searching around in panic for someone to ask
''excuse me, I got a call about an accident''
''name please''
''Johnson, Sara''
'' am sorry sir but Ms. Johnson is in the ICU and no visitors are allowed''
''am not here to visit'' banging the counter with his fist ''I need to see her''
''sir, please calm down''

The head nurse over heard the commotion and stepped in to manage the situation

''what seems to be the problem?'' she asked calmly
''this gentleman demands I let him up the ICU''
''Mr...''
''Criss'' he offered
''Mr. Criss the ICU is a restricted area for obvious reason, unless you were family am afraid I can't let you in''

He ran his hands through his hair, turned away form the reception...He took a few deep breath in to calm himself down then spoke back..

''am her husband''