Disarranged

I wasn't planning on telling Sirius about my final encounter with Lucille. I was simply over the moon he was awake and recovering, and I didn't want anything superfluous ruining that.

It felt in some ways ironic that Sirius was now the one in bed while I was the one that provided company and read to him. It seemed like it was full circle.

Our relationship was also out of the box. Apparently a couple of the members of the Order had suspicions before, but Sirius and I were distant enough in public that it dissuaded them. The unfortunate thing was we still hadn't defined what we were, and I was sure it was on both of our minds.

When Sirius began to leave his bed for short walks around the house we discussed random things. The topics spanned everything from unicorns to Voldemort to what was for dinner. I think we were still basking in the "oh-good-you're-alive" vibe.

One day I decided to tell Sirius that I basically murdered Lucille. It weighed down on me. Vengeance hadn't been as sweet as I expected it to be. If anything it was a burden.

But when I began to tell him he stopped me. "I know."

"You know?" I asked in confusion.

"It came up between Remus and I one day," he revealed. "He was concerned about your well-being."

"It wasn't his place," I simply replied, seething that Remus didn't even give me a fair warning. Sirius wrapped his arms around me and tucked my head under his chin.

"It doesn't change anything," Sirius mumbled. "I would have done the same."

"That's what bothered Remus," I retorted.

"Not everyone can be as saintly as Remus," Sirius snorted and I smiled. "Don't let him guilt trip you--I know first hand how good he is at it."

"His secret weapon," I jested. "He'll just give all those Death Eaters a stern lecture and send them to their rooms." Sirius let out a bark-like laugh.

We sat contentedly like that for a bit before he said, "While we're on the topic of serious things…"

I couldn't resist the opening. "Sirius things," I repeated. He frowned and gave me a strict look.

"I'm being seri-" he stopped with a groan. "I'm not being flippant."

"Okay, okay," I soothed and rubbed his arm. "And?" I urged him to continue.

"I wanted to say that you're my partner," he announced. I thought about it for a moment, letting the word bounce around in my mind. Partner. It seemed right. Girlfriend and boyfriend just didn't seem to suit Sirius and me. It almost sounded too childish, or too cheap to describe what we had.

"I think we've been for a while," I returned.

"Yes, well, neither of us have been very vocal about it," he pointed out with some sass and a roll of his eyes.

"I was nervous you were about to propose to me for a second," I remarked. He looked at me as if I had grown a second head. "Oh, come on, be fair. You do have a tendency to do some heedless things when you're feeling pressured or emotional."

"I'm not that bad," he tried to convince me with a pout. "I do have some control, you know. Do give me some credit." I grinned at him and pecked his cheek.

"I know, Sirius," I sincerely replied.



I was so lucky to find Sirius in my lifetime. Or perhaps, I was so lucky Dumbledore dropped him off at my doorstep. I couldn't be certain that Dumbledore hadn't seen it coming. Whatever bought us together though--whether it be destiny, an old headmaster, or just the way the day happened to be going--I was glad he had been inserted into my life.

Although we could both get caught in the emotions of a moment, we both knew a relationship wasn't just kisses, butterflies, and "I love you's." We knew it was hard work and effort. You don't just commit to someone and expect it to be easy, especially during a war. We could have vicious fights and times where we wouldn't speak, but throughout it we both knew one truth: we were partners, and partners don't just walk away from one another.

Hard times have a way of destabilizing someone and making their world go topsy-turvy. People lose sight of reality and live in a world of disarray and false perceptions. Sirius came crashing into my life, mucking about and messing up whatever weak structure I had built in an attempt to find some stability. At first it had been a chore, but slowly it had turned into a welcomed relief.

The war itself was not just affecting our lives, though. It was much more far-reaching than that and it would have been selfish of us to think otherwise. Its violent assault disturbed the peace that followed the first war and changed the order of things. Suddenly everyday pedestrians were asked to become warriors, and friends became enemies.

I dreamed of Lucille sometimes. I dreamed the thousand ways she might have died after I left Spinel Place that night. I see her eyes widen in fear before the green light hits her, unable to escape or move because of my spells. I see different people do it every time. Sometimes it's Voldemort. Sometimes it's a Death Eater. Sometimes it's me. Looking back I'm not sure if it was worth it. What Lucille did was unforgivable, but what I did may have been as well. I think I chased after her imagining relief, but I think I would have felt better if I had been able to learn to let go.

I looked forward to the days where I could build a new life with Sirius and we could find some stability together, a day when we weren't asked to be voluntary prisoners in a house or to battle with Death Eaters. I hoped for a day we could return to the countryside and run in the fields together, and re-stack the building blocks that Voldemort had scattered.

"It's time to go!" Mad-Eye Moody's bark interrupts my thoughts. I look at the Order members around me one by one, my gaze settling on Sirius. We share a meaningful look. Hope would see us through.