If You Love Me Let Me Go

I’m at school, that I’m sure of. I’m in my psychology class taught by Mrs. Emer who is currently standing in the front of the class. She’s writing something on the board and as soon as she turned to reveal it I became interested in whatever was unraveling in this dream of mine.

“Suicide.” She said underlining it. “Someone dies by their own hand every 40 seconds. Thats 2,160 people every day, 64,800 people a month, and a total of 788,400 men and women every year.” She maneuvered around her desk so she could sit on the front of it. She looked just like she did in real life. Blonde hair, kind blue eyes, black pants and a colorful blouse. It was almost as if I wasn’t dreaming at all. “Why is that? Why does a person feel the need to take their own life?”

No one in the class spoke. They just stared at her; some bored, some confused, some just not caring one way or the other.

“That wasn’t a rhetorical question.” She said. “I want an answer.”

Suddenly a girl in the front corner spoke up, Emily Walters, “Because they’re selfish.”

Then Mark Sitory “Because they’re weak.”

Then everyone in the class spoke at once, all with an opinion on suicidal people.

“They’re worthless.”

“They’re stupid.”

“They deserve it.”

When I was on the verge of walking out everyone stopped, and when I thought we were finally done with the horrid conversation, the person behind me spoke, who I hadn’t previously noticed was even there. “Because they finally realize that no one else wants them around.”

My breath caught in my throat and I couldn’t help but turn around to see who had said it. As soon as I did I regretted it and wished I could turn around and forget what I saw. Forget his mocha eyes staring into mine with such intensity that it physically hurt me. Forget that it was Vic that was sitting behind me and forget what he had just said, but I couldn’t. I could just sit and stare at him and wish he would say he was kidding and stick up for me. But he didn’t. So I just sat and stared and him, with my tears swelling my eyes and my mouth opened in a silent scream.

“Thats an interesting take Victor,” Mrs. Emer said causing me to turn my attention away from Vic. “So you think that these people aren’t selfish?” She asked him. I wanted to scream at her for the way she talked about us like we were a different species.

“Not at all.” He said calmly leaning back in his chair, arms crossed. “I think they just finally realized that the world is better off without them.” He said staring at me. He had the same mocha eyes but all the love and compassion that used to occupy them had long gone.

I held in a sob, determined to not let my composure break- dream or not I was not going to give in to my emotions in front of all these people, especially under the circumstances. Then the unthinkable happened.

“When will you realize that, Kellin?” He said to the back of my head. I turned around to face him just as a single tear fell from my eye. He wiped it away like he would if he hadn’t just told me to kill myself. “Ah don’t cry Kels. Pretty eyes like your’s shouldn’t be tainted with tears.” He had always said that to me when I was sad, referring to the crystal blue that were displayed in my eyes. He had always been fond of the brightness of them, but now he wasn’t allowed to be. Dream Vic would not mess with my emotions like this. Still, I couldn’t form words with my mouth to tell him not to, all I could do was turn back around.

Then the bell rang and I was about to go running out so I could allow the lump in my throat to escape and just cry, but I couldn’t move. Everyone else could, though; and they did. But instead of walking straight to the door, everyone in the class first walked to my desk and left something there. Emily left a blade, Mark left a bottle of pills, Stacy left a gun; one after the other every person in the class dropped some item of lethal ability and then left without a word.

The last person to leave was Vic. He stood and walked in front of my desk, looking down at me; he set on top of everything one black rose and a letter, then he too left silently. I picked up the rose and observed it; It’s thorns seemed to be enlarged and it’s petals were as black as night. Suddenly, the rose snapped in half, the top half dangling by the skin of the stem. I watched as the rose, in a fast-forward illusion, died in my hands- first the petals wilted and closed in on themselves, then they fell one by one until all I had was a stem. I grabbed the letter, curiosity getting the better of me, and struggled to open it through my sobs. Finally I managed to rip it open and took out the piece of paper inside. I immediately knew what it was from the three words sprawled across the top- “Mom and Dad”.

- - -

“Kellin!” I woke up in a sweat, thrashing and crying, to Vic shaking me. “Kellin wake up, oh God Kels please wake up. Come on!”

“Vic?” I said opening my eyes, I was relieved to see his familiar mocha eyes had returned to their normal state of caring.

“Oh my gosh Kels! You were screaming and freaking out and crying and I didn’t know what to do you wouldn’t wake up! I was so scared!” He said pulling me into a hug. He pulled me away and wiped at my eyes, “Pretty eyes like yours shouldn’t be tainted with tears.” He said pushing my hair out of my face. Suddenly everything sent me spiraling back to the dream and all I wanted to do was get away from Vic. I pulled back and jumped from the bed of the truck. I fell on my knees and when Vic dropped down questioningly I got up and backed away. “Kellin what’s wrong?”

“N-nothing Vic j-just stay there okay? T-take me home. R-right now. P-please.” I said between tears and shakes.

“Kellin. Calm down okay? You’re going to have a panic attack. You’re okay! I’m not going to hurt you. I’m gonna help you, okay?” He started walking towards me but I stopped him.

“No!” I screamed. “Just let me get in the truck and then drive me home. Please Vic.” I breathed out the last sentence because I really was about to have a panic attack.

I took deep breathes as Vic walked around the truck and packed up the back. I sat in the passenger seat with my knees to my forehead and counted my breaths. Vic got in the car at Breath 44. We were at the bottom of the mountain at Breath 357. Neither of us said a word until Breath 406.

“You want me to drop you off at home?” He asked hesitantly. I felt bad for Vic, he hadn’t seen me in months and now I’m freaking out on him because of a dream. I couldn’t help it though, it seemed so real. I wanted to trust him, to curl up in a ball and lean into his side while the stroked my hair and told me it was all going to be okay. I wanted to tell him about the dream so he could assure me that it was just a dream, make-believe, impossible. But in the end I didn’t want any of that- I just wanted to be better. No, I just wanted for it to all be over. All of it.

“Kels?” He said trying to get my attention.

“No. Don’t drop me off at home. Turn here.” I said. He made a sharp left and I gave him directions to the only place I could think of going right now. Five minutes later we pulled into the parking lot of the Northwest Mental Therapeutic Center. Vic looked at me and hesitantly reached over to touch my hand. I flinched, but I allowed it.

“I wish there was something I could do, Kellin.” He said looking at me. I just nodded. “Do you want me to pick you up later? Just call if you-” I cut him off by shaking my head. He dropped his gaze in defeat.

“I love you.” I said quietly.

“I love you too.” He said back. I pulled my hand free and opened the door of the truck.

Those were the last words I ever spoke to my best friend Vic Fuentes.