Status: This is a personal thing, but read on if you wish.

Kanon

Do you?

ALONE.

JUST FUCKING GET PAST HIM, JUST FUCKING GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE, YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU SHOULD FIND SOMEONE WHO AS SMART AS YOU, HE WAS MAKING YOU STUPID, he was ruining everything!

You got what you wanted. You did drugs. And here I sit, alone, the way I always am during these times. You know I'm crazy - you know what it's like to sit here and see myself dead, again and again and again, minute after minute? I don't wanna die but I feel like I'm on the edge of blacking out and running crazy, the way I woke up and found myself being raped twice. Didn't happen once, happened twice. And look what I do! I trust someone to not hurt me, then spend months getting called an idiot for being who I fucking am when everyone clearly does not think I'm stupid. The ONE insult I truly take to heart other than everything else you fucking said. EVERYTHING ELSE. Details - if you're so fucked up over details, DO IT YOURSELF obviously. Or point out what pissed you off.

Anyhow, alone. I'm afraid of being alone now, thanks to you. I saw how you lived at home and I wanted that, I wanted people around all the time. I wanted how things were, that was perfect. Oh, I got fired. For being two minutes late last week. No more working for me! I have the last of my tips.

I walked so far and for so long, and I thought. I thought and I thought and I thought and I realized this isn't even my fault, and I wondered if you swallowed your pride (didn't think so) and told your family the truth, or if you blamed me. I've never been addicted to heroin EVER before because I play the drug game properly. Or I used to. I just let you do what you wanted and one day I woke up and needed a poke. Haha, I was walking and I met a man, of course middle-aged, and we spoke for hours. I talked to my teacher, let her know what was going on, and she gave me what I've needed ; time to rebuild myself. Do I like reading anymore? I certainly don't like Stephen King novels anymore. The last two books of The Dark Tower series ruined him for me forever. I can't feel well. I laughed so many times and at the end of the day, I can't sleep or be comfortable. I can't be happy. It's only been a day, it's to be expected... but without sleep this week will be long and horrible. Oh, and no, I haven't slept with anyone. Don't plan to. Can't. Uninterested in sex.

Uninterested in life. Just getting shit done because I can't not do anything. But every fucking moment, there's your absence. All the time. I go between hating you for using me, and just wanting you to remember it. Loving you. Crying. I'll be talking about nothing in particular and shit, the tears fall freely. So many tears.

Some time has passed since I've been on this page. I love you. I wish you loved me the way I love you, but I don't think you're even capable of it. I don't think you understand it. I don't know you anymore. You definitely don't know me if you think I faked anything, especially something like intelligence. Faking being stupid... not really something I'd ever even give the slightest conscious thought to. Irrelevant to me.

I won't show you this until you at least speak to me and i can see what the hell is going on. Can't even swallow the thought of you touching me, even by accident. I want you to crawl into a hole, and I'll tie you up and just fucking look at you until you satiate my mind with your words. You used them to hurt me, you'd better use them to help me.

And now, I'll start writing my book, because that's what the wee hours of the night are for. No sleep for a week without drugs and you gone? Sounds like just what I've always deserved. People like you are why I hate myself and everything to do with me. Obviously I am worthless.
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As if...