A Single Daffodil

It’s been a week since I’ve seen Harry.

That’s 168 hours of not seeing Harry in person.

That’s also 168 hours of missing Harry.

But that’s just how it goes, right? You break up with someone, and that’s the end of it. You never see that person again, unless you go to work with them or pass them awkwardly in the hallway at school. And while I do neither of those things with Harry, I won’t ever be able to escape him. Because the guy I dated, happened to be the most popular guy in the world. He was everywhere I looked, unfortunately. He was reported about on television, his voice was on the radio, his face was plastered across magazine covers. He was literally everywhere.

I wasn’t coping as well as I thought I would. I misinterpreted the strength of my weakness. I’ve been through breakups before. I told myself every day since I last saw him. You’ve been through this before and you’ve survived..

I’m starting to learn that this one was different.

My heart was heavier, the red puffiness around my eyes haven’t gone away, and I cried myself to sleep every night. No other break up has been this harsh. I started convincing myself that I’ve made a mistake, I fucked everything up. I was so sure that this was right, that the long distance would have done much more damage to our relationship than nipping it in the bud before it could get complicated.

But wow, was there even a worse feeling than this?

And then there were nights, late nights, when I was feeling most vulnerable. I’d find myself climbing out of bed and getting into my car. I would pull up at the Four Seasons at three in the morning. I would park and just sit there, thinking about what I would want to say to him if I went up there. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was. I wanted to tell him that I hated that we weren’t talking, that we weren’t enjoying his last week in Miami together. Every time I ended up at the Four Seasons, I never actually left my car. I would sit there and then I would talk myself out of it. In reality, as much as I wanted things to go back to normal, they wouldn’t. He was still leaving at the end of the week, and I was still never going to see him again. Why put more salt in the wound?

So I was stuck in my own personal purgatory. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, not even Grandpa Gene. Sophia and Jayden practically came over every day to play good cop, bad cop --you can take a good guess about who played what.

“Usted está cometiendo un gran error!” Sophia shouted the following morning after the break up. I didn’t know that much Spanish, but I paid enough attention to my Spanish class in high school to know that she was telling me I was making a mistake.

“Leave her alone, Soph.” Jayden eased Sophia down by waving his hands up and down at her when she started stomping back and forth in my living room shouting in more Spanish. “Emotional support is what’s needed right now, not criticism.”

Jayden was always good at playing the supportive best friend. He checked in with me daily after the break up, to make sure I didn’t off myself with bathwater and a hairdryer. Sophia was a little tougher, she made sure I knew I was making a huge mistake. She wouldn’t shut up about it. And while I wanted to fight her on it, and tell her to stop, a part of me believed her. A part of me felt like I was wrong about everything. I tried not to dwell on those destructive thoughts.

“Are you feeling alright, Vita?” Maggie’s voice brought me back to Jane’s Flower shop. I was so deep in thought that I momentarily forgot that I was working on a bouquet of flowers. “You look a little pale.”

“I’m fine.” I lied, twisting the bouquet around to make sure the amount of daisies were evenly distributed within the vase. “Just a little lost in thought. Did you need me to sit out in the front?”

“No.” She offered me a sweet smile as she leaned against the doorway. “I actually came back here to ask if you could do the hotel rounds.”

Panic set in the second I registered what she was asking from me. Making hotel rounds meant I would have to pack up a basket full of flowers and check on the flower displays in hotels that we worked with, which meant I would have to visit Harry’s hotel.

Fuck.

“Um. Sure.” I shakily stood up and smoothed out my black high waisted skater skirt. There was no way out of this. Ronnie wasn’t scheduled to work for another couple of days, meaning it was only me and Maggie. If Maggie needed someone to do the hotel rounds, I was her only option. “I’ll just go grab the basket then.”

“Perfect!” Maggie grinned, clapping her hands together before heading back out to the front.

“Oh God. Oh God. Oh shit. Oh God.” I repeated this about thirty more times as I shoved flowers into the basket. My brows drew close together when I suddenly felt light-headed.

I didn’t have reason to panic, right? What were the odds of running into Harry at the Four Seasons? It was a late Saturday afternoon. They were probably all by the pool or the beach. Maybe they were at the studio.

Scratch all that. Of course I was going to bump into Harry when I get to the Four Seasons. I had to do a complete sweep of the place and that’s including the floor he’s staying on. He was going to be completely unavoidable when I get there.

Honestly, I should have seen this coming. I’m Vita Spoelsta. I’m the only person in the world who gets into these kinda situations.

I started at the Ritz Carlton on the westside of the city and continued to visit all the other hotels, keeping the Four Seasons hotel for last. By the time I pulled up to the hotel and handed over my keys to valet, my nerves were shot. I spent the past hour thinking about what I would say to Harry if I saw him. I thought about how I wanted him to understand where I was coming from, and that I didn’t want us to end on such a terrible note. I had an overall outline memorized by the time I arrived at the Four Seasons and I was ready to articulate how I feel if and when the time comes.

I gripped the handle of the basket tightly to my side as I nervously smoothed out my black polo shirt and skirt. I greeted the doormen with a friendly smile and thanked them when they held the door open for me. I tried to stay calm and composed as I went through the usual steps of a trip to a hotel. I just had to remind myself that I was here because of my job. I could do this.

I went through the usual steps of a visit to the Four Seasons. Wave at Larry at reception. Check all the flower displays in the main lobby. Fix the flowers on the second floor. The third floor. The fourth floor. And as each floor level got higher, so did my anxiety. By the time I reached the thirteenth and fourteenth floor, my hands were shaking and my heart had lodged itself in my throat. I was an absolute nervous wreck and any hotel guest that saw me probably thought I was having a seizure. I just had all this pent up tension and worry about seeing Harry that I didn’t know how to contain myself.

The elevator doors binged open on the fifteenth floor. Harry’s floor.

I stepped out onto the floor slowly. It was quiet. There wasn’t a person in sight. I looked left and right and ignored the elevator doors closing shut behind me.

I took a deep breath and approached the messy flower arrangement that sat on the table in front of me. I quickly plucked out the wilted flowers and filled the vase with new flowers. I practically tip-toed around the table, worried the smallest noise would attract attention from hotel guests that stayed on this floor.

But as I spritzed the final section of the arrangement with water, I realized maybe I wasn’t going to see Harry after all. Maybe he was out for the day and I wouldn’t run into him. I was in the clear.

I picked up my basket and stood at the end of the table, admiring my new display. I couldn’t tell if I was relieved or disappointed about not bumping into him. I was at war with myself once again. While I was dying to see Harry again, I knew it wouldn’t do me any good.

I picked up my basket and walked over to the elevators. I clicked the button and stood patiently in front of the doors. I still had another twenty minutes before Maggie expected me back at the shop. I could probably stop by Grandpa Gene’s house and give him the flowers leftover from--

The elevator doors binged open and the person waiting inside caused me to misplace my train of thought almost immediately.

Of course Harry was in the elevator.


Of course he was.

I was paralyzed as I watched him with wide eyes. He didn’t notice me standing there at first because his head was down and he was talking on the phone. Everything inside me was suddenly askew; all thoughts, astuteness and brains now completely wonky. The tension built up inside me as I waited for him to see that I was here. I was standing right in front of him.

“Yeah, I know...you’re right.” His voice was gravelly as he pushed himself off the inside wall of the elevator. At long last, he looked up when he started walking towards me. The second his eyes met mine, he came to a complete halt. His mouth parted and his eyes told me he was shocked and not expecting to see me standing there in my work uniform.

When the elevator doors started closing, he kept his eyes on me as he used his free hand to block them. “Mum, something’s come up. I have to go.”

He took one step forward and let the elevator doors close shut behind him as he slowly lowered the phone away from his face. He continued to stare at me.

How could I even explain how I was feeling right now? My palms were sweaty, my cheeks were flushed and trying to figure out what Harry was thinking right now was making me go insane.

“Hi.” I spoke first. I sounded surprisingly calm.

He inhaled deeply before responding. “Hi.”

My body instantly went numb at the sound of his voice. It was like a trigger that deactivated all the strain, anticipation and apprehension I had been feeling all week. A simple ‘hi’ from Harry and I was an absolute disarray of emotions.

Without thinking, I took two steps forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. It’s funny how you can do something without telling yourself to do it. My entire being must have missed it’s home and it’s homes was in Harry’s arms.

Harry tensed up at first, mostly out of surprise. It didn’t take him very long to wrap his arms around me. I could feel his body melt into mine. I held on tighter.

“I’m sorry.” I whimpered into his white t-shirt. I didn’t realize I was getting emotional and that my eyes were watering until my voice gave it away.

I don’t know how long we were standing there, but at some point or another, Harry wiped my eyes and led me to his suite. I wasn’t entirely sure what I was feeling as I followed Harry up the stairs to his bedroom. I was scared, but surprisingly relaxed. I think it was because I was with Harry that made everything seem so serene. This past week without him has been torture for me.

“Did you want a cup of tea or anything?” Harry asked softly, closing the bedroom door behind us. “I probably should have asked when we were downstairs.”

“No, I’m alright.” I sniffed. “Thanks.”

I looked around his room and realized there were suitcases and clothes everywhere. If the thought of him packing up his Miami life wasn’t something that brought me back to this harsh reality, I didn’t know what would. He was leaving in a week--less than a week, even. I wanted to cry.

“I don’t want to leave things like this.” I finally said, taking a seat on the edge of his bed. Harry was still standing by the entrance, his back flat against the closed door. He was looking everywhere else but at me. I tried not to read too much into it. “Please, Harry. Let’s talk about this.”

“What’s there to talk about? You’ve clearly made up your mind.” He replied.

“Harry.” I pleaded. “Just listen to what I have to say. Please?”

He exhaled loudly before finally sitting next to me.

I took a deep breathe. “This weird, awkward tension between us is exactly what I wanted to avoid, Harry. I don’t need you leaving Miami resenting me.”

“I don’t-” He let out a frustrated ‘ugh’ as he hastily ran a hand through his messy curls. “I don’t resent you. I’m just trying to figure out why you don’t want to be with me anymore.”

“No, that’s not it!” I exclaimed, my eyebrows drawn together to prevent from sobbing. That was the last thing I wanted Harry to think. It was actually killing me that he even considered that. I reached for his hands and laced our fingers tightly together. “Of course I want to be with you. Of course I do. There’s a difference between ‘not wanting to’ and ‘not being able to’. I can’t be in a long distance relationship. That’s what is preventing us from being together.”

“Why not?” Harry asked, staring at our hands.

“Because we’re not going to make it. Can’t you see that Harry? We’re so different and we have different lives ahead of us when the summer is over.” My mouth felt dry but I kept going. “I’m going back to school and you’re going back to your career. I don’t know how the music industry works, but I’m pretty aware of your band being in high demand. You have so much a head of you and you’re going to be so overwhelmed. There’s no room for me there. Don’t get me wrong, what we had this summer was fantastic. It was perfect. I want to preserve that. I don’t want to complicate it with a long distance relationship.”

Harry was silent after I finished talking. I’m surprised I kept it together long enough to get out what needed to be said. I watched him carefully, trying to figure out what he was thinking. He was still staring at our hands, but he was being a little more responsive by letting his fingertips drift across my own ever so softly. I took that as a good sign.

“Can I tell you my side of the story now?” He questioned, his voice hoarse.

“Yes.”

“I’m in love with you.”

He tore his gaze away from our hands and was now looking me dead in the eyes. I reeled back, completely winded by his words. Even if I wanted to say anything, there was no way I could get the words out, let alone function. I’m in love with you. His startling words rendered me speechless. His entire being rendered me useless.

Harry watched me carefully. “You don’t have to say anything. Christ, I can’t expect you to say it back. Unfortunately for me, it’s how I feel. I’m in love with you. There’s no denying it. You’re it, Vita. You’re the air I breathe, the vision for my hazy eyes, the voice I want to hear for the rest of my life.”

The lump in my throat doubled in size and tears started to blur my vision. I didn’t want to hear this.

“And while I wish we could just pack our bags and disappear to Hawaii for the rest of our lives--” He smiled when I let out a chuckle. Hot tears easily spilled over my cheeks. Without missing a beat, Harry wiped them away with his thumbs. “--I know you’re right. I’m just not ready to let go of us yet.”

I wasn’t ready to let go of us either. I would never be ready to fully say goodbye to Harry. But it was going to happen, sooner or later. And I’d rather it be sooner than let it dwindle into a distance-riddled relationship. What we have now and what we were feeling could never be equivalent to a conversation over the phone or a message in a text. Not seeing each other for long periods of time would ultimately affect the power of intimacy between us. I didn’t want to ruin it.

I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against Harry’s, resting my hands at the base of his neck. He slid his fingers underneath my chin, stroking the delicate skin carefully.

“So what now?” Harry’s voice was barely a whisper.

My eyebrows creased and bottom lip quivered as I knew what I was about to say next would destroy the both of us. “We say goodbye.”

We sat like that for what felt like forever, holding each other until I had to leave. When the evening sunlight started to pour into the windows, I knew it was time for me to go. I was already so late for work and probably had a dozen missed calls from Maggie waiting for me but that was the last thing on my mind.

I made Harry stay in his bedroom when I was leaving, mostly because I couldn’t bare saying goodbye again.

I tried to stay as composed as possible as I walked down the stairs to the main floor of the Presidential suite. Keeping my hand on the railing, I took one step at a time as I looked around the place for the last time. A lot of memories went down in this place this summer, ones I’ll never let myself forget.

“Vita?” A voice at the bottom of the stairs caught my attention. It was Louis with a look that told me he was both surprised and alarmed to see me. It was probably my puffy red eyes that alarmed him. “I didn’t know you were here.”

I reached the last step and picked up the basket I left by the front door.

“Yeah, I was--” I pointed back at the stairs because I couldn’t finish the sentence. If I said saying goodbye to Harry out loud, I was scared I would breakdown into tears again.

“Right.” Louis’s expression softened immediately. “Well I’m gonna miss you, Vita. We all will. You really brought out the best in Harry.”

I quickly pulled Louis into a tight hug, hoping it would prevent a fresh batch of hot tears.

“Oh Vita.” Louis’s voice was gentle as he hugged me back.

“Just take care of him for me, alright?” I said quickly, letting go of him.

I didn’t leave any time for Louis to respond. I hurriedly turned around and left the suite for the last time.