A Single Daffodil

That following night, I couldn’t sleep.

The time on my phone read 5:15 am as I stared out the open window next to my bed. It was completely pitch black out, not a single star in sight. Just as the weatherman predicted, the dreary rain clouds were pushing their way through the sky. In the distance, thunder moaned, making itself known to the sleeping town of Bayeux.

Frustrated, I rolled onto my back and massaged my temples, hoping this would magically make me feel fatigue. But it didn’t, because even when I attempted to close my eyes and feign sleep, today’s events would start replaying in my head like a movie.

It was the best movie I’d ever seen.

I don’t know how long we stayed on that lake yesterday, but it was long enough for the sun to slowly roll it’s way down into a sunset. After a couple of pictures and hiking around the rolling hills that surrounded the lake, we decided it was finally time to go home. And I was totally okay with that. I did everything I was suppose to, so I said goodbye to Saint Malo, knowing it wouldn’t be my last. At some point in the future, I would visit this town again.

I remember feeling light-headed with bliss as Harry and I drove back to Bayeux. The sun was setting, our windows were down and we listened to all of Grandpa Gene’s favorite artists. Frank Sinatra, Etta James, Dean Martin, Gene Kelly, Nat King Cole. Not a single crooner was left out, and I couldn’t have been more happier about it.

But now, here I was. Laying in bed, listening to the waves crash outside my window, wishing so badly that I kissed Harry on the boat.

Or better yet, wished that he kissed me.

So many thoughts and feelings and frustrations have been whizzing around in my brain all night, wondering where to go from here. Because it was stupidly obvious what was happening.

I was predictably and undeviatingly still in love with Harry.

I’d been in love with him this whole time, of course. I knew that. My feelings for him never faltered. Not since he left Miami a year ago. And now…well. Now, my feelings for him have doubled. Tripled, even.

Sunrise was expected at 5:50 am, but since the sun was buried beneath the dark clouds, only grey lighting filtered through my window and into my bedroom. I pulled the duvet covers away from me and walked over to the window, the floorboards creaking audibly under my feet. The tide was so far out, I could barely see it. There was no rain just yet, but the sand looked soaked and darker than usual. The abandoned pier was far off in the distance, causing a black silhouette against the dusky-colored background.

I decided sleep would be a stupid thing to do now that a new day has started, so I changed out of my pajamas and put on a pair of blue jeans, a grey t-shirt and my green parka jacket. Quietly, I tip-toed out of my bedroom and down the hallway. I had to walk extra slow when I reached the living room, anxious not to wake Harry up as I made my way outside. Once I was safety away from the couch area, I picked up a pair of Hunter rain boots next to the door, and slipped them on before walking out to the beach.

My hair whipped violently behind me as I stomped into the soggy sand. I marched forward, feeling the muscles in my legs cramp slightly. As I approached the sea, I noticed that it no longer was it’s typical crystal blue color. Now it reflected the color of the sky, with it’s ashy grey hue.

I inhaled deeply, stopping when I reached the edge of the quiet tide. The salt water lazily seeped through the sand and towards my feet, the ocean now ready to stretch itself farther up the beach. I tucked my hands into the pockets of my parka, closed my eyes and lifted my face up to the sky as I delighted in the cool wind. The beach was always a reassuring acquaintance when I needed to gather my thoughts. Even on an unfamiliar coast, the beach had a calming affect on me.

The drumfire of thunder rumbled in the distance once more as I leisurely walked along the incoming tide. Every couple of steps, I would stop to pick up an attractive shell and place it in my pocket. I even came across a couple of washed up starfishes, which I quickly pushed further into the water, hoping that would revive it.

It felt good out here, even if the weather was bleak. Anything was better than being cooped up in a bed when you couldn’t sleep. And I just needed to think.

I think I wanted to tell Harry how I feel about him. I wanted to tell him everything I felt yesterday, tell him that I loved him, tell him that I never stopped loving him. His current relationship be damned, I had to tell him no matter what. I just needed…to get it out there. In the open. Before this trip to France, I would have never considered admitting it to him. Hell, less then 48 hours ago, I wanted to hate him and never talk to him again. I was fully prepared to just give myself time before I got over him and met someone new.

Then yesterday happened…and I couldn’t just let it go. I was ready to explode.

You see, I was feeling really optimistic about it now. Like, really optimistic about it. Because when Harry held my hand and bought flowers and surprised me with the visit to the lake, I knew he didn’t just see me as a friend anymore. A pal. We weren’t just pals, not after a trip like yesterday. There was something there. I could tell. Even the way he looked at me, and touched my hair, and tried to make me laugh with his awful jokes, I could see that it was coming back. The spark.

My insides started doing summersaults again, my skin prickly with a new set of goosebumps when I heard someone walking up behind me. I thought I imagined it at first, that the lack of sleep had finally done me in and I was hallucinating.

But I wasn’t.

Because Harry was walking towards me.

I was unable to move as I watched him approach me. I almost wanted to let out a loud, sarcastic laugh, because of course. Of course Harry would sense that I was wake and that I was alone on the beach, thinking about how desperately I wanted to confess everything. It was so comical that I lucked out with him putting me in a situation like this.

“I thought that was you.” Harry’s voice was coated with sleep, the tone all husky and worn. He had a black jumper on and a red beanie hiding the majority of his messy curls. I felt overwhelmed by his presence all of sudden. I gripped the collection of seashells in my pockets, trying to maintain the calmness I felt before he interrupted it.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” I asked, reaching up to push my wild curls away from my face. The wind was picking up now, and the thunder was getting louder. Still, there was no rain, so I ignored it. “I tried to sneak out as quietly as possible, but apparently I’m no good.”

“No, I actually woke up to get some water.” He responded, taking a couple of steps closer to the incoming tide. He smartly had his Chelsea boots on, although the suede looked a little ruined by the mud that splattered against them. “I was about to go back to sleep until I saw you out here. What are you doing awake so early?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. I couldn’t sleep, I guess.”

Tell him you love him, Vita. The chant inside my head started up again. Tell him, tell him, tell him.

When the thunder cracked loudly above our heads, we both looked up. The tiniest of droplets started to sprinkle down from the sky.

“Look’s like a storm’s coming.” Harry noted as he extended his arm out. He wiggled his fingers as he attempted to catch the raindrops in his palm.

Oh, you have no idea, I thought to myself.

I started getting really nervous as I watched Harry yawn and look out over the ocean. My breathing quickened immensely, my palms suddenly clammy as I thought about the words coming out of my mouth. I love you, Harry. They were right there, right at the tip of my tongue, waiting to change the world. I love you!

“You alright, Vita?” Harry was looking at me now, a wave of concern washing over his face. “You’re awfully quiet.”

I took a deep breath, maintaining steady eye contact with him. If I don’t say it now, I’ll never say it. This was it. This was my chance. “I…I um—”

An explosion in the sky immediately intercepted my confession. We both looked up at the sky again, startled by how close the thunder was now.

And then, all at once, it poured. It was like the thunder was some kind of trigger for the clouds above us because before we knew it, the light sprinkles had turned into a torrential downpour.

“What!” I exclaimed with alarm, folding my arms above my head to avoid the sudden impact. “Where did that—how did that—”

Harry started laughing, also taken aback by the sudden monsoon explosion over our heads. He started pointing at the Pier behind me. “Quick, we can hide under there!”

Before I could even process what was happening, he grabbed my wrist and started sprinting. It took me a second to catch up, bowing my head as the rain came down in buckets. Every time my rain boot hit the surface, it created a huge splash, speeding up the process of being even more wet.

When Harry and I reached shelter underneath the pier, we were both panting, dripping wet and positively freezing.

“Bloody hell,” Harry panted, placing a hand on his chest as he bent over. The curls that were poking out from his beanie, were now matted against his face. Tiny droplets of water tumbled down his forehead. “that came out of nowhere!”

I started laughing, pushing my wet hair out of my face. Despite the parka warding off most of the rain from my torso, everything else on me was dripping. “Look at us! We’re completely drenched!”

Harry was laughing now too, shaking his head. He started pulling at the corner of his jumper twisting out the access water.

I watched him carefully, all traces of humor suddenly draining from my face. Harry, realizing I wasn’t laughing anymore, looked up. He let go of his jumper then, standing straight, his smile now fleeing from his expression. There was a new, unpredicted tension filling the space between us. My heart started to ache, so dangerously, as we stared at each other.

“Listen, Vita.” He started slowly, his voice low. “About yesterday—”

“I love you.”

My voice was barely a whisper. Without warning, without preparation, the words finally escaped my mouth. Three little words, I love you.

Harry’s jaw went slack as he stared at me. We were both silent. Nothing but the sound of rain hitting the earth around us.

“What did you just say?” Harry’s voice shook.

“I said, I love you.” I was louder now, more confident. I said it again, just to make sure he heard it. “I love you.”

His mouth twisted, his eyes wide eyes. “Vita—”

“No.” I said, taking one step towards him, urging him to look at me. It was full steam ahead at this point. I was unravelling, everything about this situation was delicate, exposed and bare. My feelings finally naked. “Shut up and let me tell you, let me. I’m so in love with you. Yeah, it’s that fucking bad. When I remember your face, or even look at it, it destroys me. It just—just completely dismantles my entire existence. And I don’t want to be with anyone else. Do you hear me? I don’t want to be with anyone else. I think about you, and only you. I love you so much and it’s really stupid and dumb and I hate it. I can’t stand most guys, but somehow you became everything. You are everything to me. And the way you are with me, you’re just fun and sweet and fantastic and you’re real.”

I looked up at him, desperately searching for answers in his face. I willed myself not to cry as I poured my heart out to him. My hands trembled in front of me, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with them. I stopped breathing a long time ago, my body shook from how cold it was and my nerves were shot, but I still continued.

“I’m so sorry for breaking up with you last summer. You said ‘I love you’ and I said goodbye. But I didn’t mean it, Harry, I didn’t. Surely you must know that. Because after you left, I realized how fucking stupid I was to ever think that you and I were just a summer thing. When you left, there was just this…gigantic hole in my life. I found myself constantly falling into it, this dark and empty void, every night. Every fucking night. And Christ, I missed you like hell.” I took one step closer to him, our faces so close I could feel his breathe on my cheek. He was quiet with a wild look in his eyes, like he couldn’t believe what I was saying. I didn’t sever eye contact. I made sure he could see the urgency and want in my eyes. Oh, how I desperately hoped he could see it. “I know it seems like a thousand years have past since we’ve dated, but it hasn’t, okay? You meant so much to me. You still do.”

I was panting, just completely out of breathe as I tried to catch up with my frantic emotions. But it was all out in the open now. No one else heard my words out here. Just me and Harry, safely under the shelter of this abandoned pier.

Every silent second that passed between us was like a stab in the stomach. The anticipation of him saying it back was killing me.

“Say something. Anything.” I demanded, my voice cracking. I grabbed the fabric of his sweater, desperately wanting to know what he was thinking. “Goddamn it, just say something!”

“Vita.” He said.

And that’s when I knew. I knew that I lost. His voice wasn’t filled with relief, passion, or happiness. It was filled with…guilt.

I was too late.

“I’m so sorry,” He choked out the words, looking down at the fabric bundled in my fists. “I—I can’t. I’m with Tanya. I can’t leave her. It wouldn’t be fair.”

The heat behind my eyes seared fiercely, tears fighting their way out even as I tried so hard to keep them back. Every word was a bullet that fired through my heart. Heartbreak was real because I was swimming in it. Only moments ago I was high off the feeling of yearning and desperateness to tell Harry how much I loved him. And without any warning, my heart was ripped out of my chest. Unprepared. Unbearable. Insufferable.

Hot tears spilled over my cheeks as I loosened the grip I had on his sweater. Oh my God, I thought, Oh my God.

This could not be happening.

“Vita—” He tried softly. “Vita, I am so sorry.”

I felt sick and I knew I couldn’t stay under that pier a second longer. I hurriedly walked away from him and right back out into the rainfall. This time, the cold rain didn’t affect me. I barely noticed it. I started sobbing uncontrollably then, just letting out body-wrenching sobs. I was feeling everything. Frustration, anger, defeat, despair.

“I came after you!” I shouted all at once, whirling around. With one hand over my chest, and the other in a tight fist by my side, I squinted to look at Harry through the rain. He turned to look at me when he heard me, confusion clouding his eyes. “Last summer. I chased you down at the airport, right up to the last second, to tell you I love you!” My words came out as a whimper, making me sound completely pathetic. I was pathetic. “I wasn’t quick enough, but I did it because you were worth it to me. I hope…I hope she’s worth it, Harry.”

And with that, I turned back around, not giving him another second of my time. I walked as fast as I could, my rain boots making a loud plunk in every puddle I stepped in.

I ran up the steps to Zayn’s house, trying not to completely lose my shit. I ripped off my parka and rain boots before entering the house. I dropped everything by the door and ran to the bedroom area.

Without even thinking about it, I barged into Jayden’s room.

“Jayden? Jayden?” My voice quivered as I closed his bedroom door behind me.

He woke up with a start, raising his head to look at me. He squinted his eyes and furrowed his brow. “Vita?”

“Can I stay with you?”

The sound of my voice must of triggered some kind of worry because Jayden was much more alert to my presence.

“You’re soaking wet.” He looked at me, wide-eyed. “What’s wrong? Come here.”

A fresh sob escaped my mouth in a loud gasp as I collapsed next to Jayden. I started to shiver as the new batch of tears started pouring out.

“Oh my God.” Jayden protectively wrapped his arms around me. “Vita, talk to me. What’s happened? You’re scaring me.”

I tried to choke out a response, but it was impossible through my aggressive sobs. Jayden, clearly worried by this, hugged me tightly against him, pushing my damp hair out of my face.

Without warning, Jayden’s bedroom door ripped open once again. I should have known Sophia would show up in my time of complete despair. It was like a sixth sense with her.

“I was in the bathroom and I heard commotion.” She asked, alarmed when she saw me crying hysterically in Jayden’s arms. “Ay dios mios, what is happening?”

“I told Harry,” I hiccuped between sobs, “that I still loved him. And he didnt—” I couldn’t even finish the sentence. I didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t love me back. Not anymore.

“Oh, Vita.” Sophia’s voice melted into sympathy as she climbed onto the bed and rested her head on my arm. Realizing how supportive my friends were being right now, made me cry harder.

“I want to go home.” I said finally, wiping at my eyes with shaky hands.

“Like, home home?” Jayden asked warily.

I sniffed and nodded.

Without another word, Jayden reached over to the bedside table and picked up his phone. He pressed a few buttons before he raising it to his ear.

“Hi, good morning…yes, I think you can help me. When is your next flight to London?”