Lightning in a Bottle

“Are you sure you don’t mind watching Finn for a few hours?” Aunt Jenny asked as she came back down the stairs. “I know you only came here to visit but-”

“It’s fine auntie,” I smiled. “I’ve been here a lot the past few days, so it’s not like we have catching up to do. Plus I love spending time with my little Finn,” I turned and tickled the boy in my lap.

He squealed, “Sissy! Stop!”

“Alright, well you two have fun.” Jenny said as she grabbed her purse. She had to run into the bakery for a few hours since one of the managers on duty had an emergency. “And when I get back Ayden, maybe we can finally talk about why you’ve been here all week,” she gave me a stern look before she walked out the door. Okay, so she wasn’t exaggerating. I had been here a lot the past few days. But it was easier to be somewhere else than around the house, knowing Niall was still acting weird.

“Hey sissy?” Finn wiggled in my lap.

I let him go so he could jump off, “Yeah bud?”

“Do you wanna play cars?” he asked as he ran over to the toy chest in the corner of the living room. “Daddy got me a racecar track in me room!”

I smiled at the excitement in his voice, “Okay, let’s do it!”

He dug around in the toy chest before coming back over to me with an arm full of little cars, “You can pick first!”

“Hmm,” I pretended to concentrate hard on my decision, “Which one do you think I should have?”

“Uh… I dunno.” He pulled a purple mustang with flames on the side out of the pile in his arms, “This one’s my favorite, so you can use it!”

“Aw, are you sure?”

He smiled up at me brightly, “Yeah! Mommy says it’s nice to share your favorite things with friends!”

“She’s right,” I laughed. I took the car out of his little hand, “Okay, let’s go play.”

Finn dragged me to his room where we stayed and played racecars for a few hours before I had to break it to him that it was naptime.

“But I’m not tired sissy,” he pouted.

I ruffled his wispy brown hair that was almost long enough to fall into his pretty hazel eyes. “I know you’re not tired bud. But if you don’t take a nap, you’ll end up falling asleep before bedtime. Do you really want to go to bed before bedtime?”

“No,” he sighed. He let me help him on his bed then and let me take his shoes off. “Sissy?”

“Yeah?” I moved some of his stuffed animals to the side so he had more room on his racecar bed.

He snuggled up with one of the bears, “How come uncle Ni-Ni doesn’t come with you to visit?”

It was easy to lie to a 3 year old, “Because he’s busy.”

“Can he come next time?”

I shrugged, “Well se, yeah? Now are you ready for your nap.”

He yawned, “I guess.”

I leaned over and kissed his head, “You only have to sleep for a little while. I’ll come wake you up later.”

“M’kay.”

I made sure he was comfortable before I exited his room, closing the door softly. I walked out to the living room and sighed as I sat alone on the couch. I hated quiet houses. I hated getting stuck in my own head because I tended to over think things and work myself up. Usually, when Niall was out of town, I tried to not be home alone as much as possible, and if I was, there was always music playing throughout the house.

I was only sitting here, in silence for maybe 3 minutes before I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed the remote for the tellie and started mindlessly flipping channels. I flipped until I found a rerun of the Gordie Shore, and left it there and mindlessly watched.

About 20 minutes into Finn’s nap, there was a knock on the front door. I had a feeling that if it wasn’t someone delivering a package, then it was one of my nosy friends.

I was right.

“What are you doing here, Harry?”

He gave me a tight look, “What are you doing here, Ayden?”

“Watching Finn,” I shrugged casually and stepped aside to let him in.

He walked in and we headed for the living room, “You’ve been here like, every day this week though, and- Are you watching the Gordie Shore?”

I rolled my eyes and walked around him to grab the remote, “There wasn’t much else on,” I defended as I turned it off.

He shrugged and sat on the couch, looking at me expectantly until I followed. “So where’s the little one?”

“Taking a nap.”

“I miss naps,” he sighed. “So what’s going on?”

“I don’t know. Niall’s been acting weird.”

“Weird how?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. Like, he never wants to talk about anything wedding related anymore, or about our future. Every time it’s brought up he changes the subject or makes an excuse to leave the room.”

He nodded, “Are you sure you’re not reading into things? I mean, maybe he’s just stressed over everything?”

“Maybe,” I bit my lip and looked away.

“When’d it start?”

“When his mom came to dinner. She brought up the wedding and having kids and he kind of snapped at her.”

“Ah. Bit of a sore subject then?”

“I have no idea, he won’t talk to me about it!” I snapped, trying to keep my voice low. “Plus, we haven’t had sex in at least a week! Like, we’ll get to it, and right before he just… backs down, says he’s tired or his knee hurts. I even offered to go down on him the other night but he just pushed me off!”

Harry winced, “Ew, wow, that was a bit of an over share.”

“Don’t pretend to be a prude Harry,” I glared.

He held his hands up in surrender, “Sorry. I just,” he sighed. “Maybe you just need to open up a discussion about having kids again. Clearly he’s still not 100% okay.”

“I know. And I want to talk to him about it. But every time I try he avoids it.”

He nodded, “Niall he’s… well you know how he is. He hats conflict, and he just wants himself and everyone else to be happy. He puts everyone else’s needs before his own, and sometimes it wears him down.”

“I know he does. I just really wish he’d open up to me, especially if it is about our future together. I mean, I can be open to the kid thing, but I don’t want to rush anything.”

“Just tie him to a chair and tell him all this!” Harry chuckled. “That way he can’t run away from it.”

I groaned, “Why does he have to be such a pain in the ass sometimes? I love him to death, and I’d do anything for him! He should know that if he really, really wanted me to change my mind about the kids thing all he’d have to do is talk to me about it.”

“I know,” he nodded. “It’s just like… sometimes it’s easier to just ignore the problem then actually face it. Trust me, I’ve been there so many times.”

“I just feel like I have to try so hard to hold onto him some times. If I don’t I feel like he’ll just slip through my fingers.”

Harry wrapped his arm around my shoulder, “You’re not going to lose him. He waited for you for 2 years before he had to balls to even ask you for your number, remember? He’s just going through his own shit. He’ll fix it and come around.”

“I hope you’re right.” I leaned into him and he kissed the top of my head.

“I’m always right.” I snorted and smacked his chest playfully. “Oi, it’s true!” I chuckled, and settled in against him. “So are you coming to family dinner tonight at Lou and El’s?”

I shrugged, “ I figured that went without saying.”

“It does, but since you’ve been hiding out, I thought I’d ask.”

I patted his thigh, “I’ll be there.”

*****

When I got home, Niall was in the shower. I hopped up on our bed and opened his laptop that was laying there and logged into twitter to kill some time. I’ve made it a habit to only check a few of my @replies and just ignore some of the negative comments I still got from time to time, but other than that I was enjoying social media again. Though I’m sure as soon as everyone spots his tattoo, that he’s kept well hidden, the negative stuff will kick back up again.

“Hey,” Niall said coming out of the shower. His towel riding low on his waist, making it hard for me to concentrate on anything else. “How was your day?”

“It was good. Had a nice game of racecars with Finn.” I bit my lip pensively as he got dressed, “He misses you.”

He smiled at me before disappearing into the closet, “I miss him too. I’ll have to kidnap him and Theo soon for a lads day.”

“I’m sure they’d love that.” It was weird, how we could have a completely normal conversation like there hasn’t been a big dark, awkward cloud hanging over us lately.

I sat there, feeling awkward, as I scrolled through twitter some more as he got dressed. The talk with Harry earlier made me feel a little better about everything until I got home and just felt the heaviness in the air again. Plus, he hasn’t even bothered to touch me when he saw I was home. Usually he’d kiss me help or at least caress me in some way. But today, nothing.

“Hey, what time do you wanna leave for Lou’s?” He asked coming out of the closet fully dressed. He was wearing fitted black jeans and one of his signature lose wife beaters.

I shrugged, “Um, let me change and we can go.”

He nodded, “I’m gonna use your hairdryer.”

I gave him a small smile as he disappeared back into the bathroom. I got up and walked into out closet and almost tripped on his wet towel he left in the middle of the floor. I rolled my eyes but couldn’t help the smile the spread across my face. I threw the towel into the hamper before continuing on my journey to change.

It only took a few minutes for me to throw on a clean pair of skinny jeans and an old The Used t-shirt. I went back out and sat on the bed as I pulled on an old beaten pair of boots before I joined Niall in the bathroom so I could brush my teeth. He was drying his hair into a swoop, and he winked at me through the mirror as he finished up.

As he passed behind me, his arm snaked around my waist and he kissed the base of my neck. My skin warmed at the embrace and I felt a bit more at ease. “I’ll wait for you downstairs babe,” he said against my skin before kissing my neck again before disappearing out of the bathroom.

I sighed. I guess I just shouldn’t be over thinking any of this. He’d work it out, like Harry said and he’ll be back to normal soon. I’m sure of it… I have to be sure about it, or I’ll drive myself mad.

*****

When everyone was in the same city, everyone was at family dinner. Harry and Dakota, Perrie and Zayn, Liam and his girlfriend Sophia were all at Louis and Eleanor’s for dinner. We were all lounging on the couches, and chairs after dinner just chatting about. Perrie and I were in the middle of one of the couches between our boyfriends as we laughed about something Dakota and Harry were talking about. Niall was slightly more quiet than usual, but he seemed happy enough with a smile on his face, and an occasional laugh. He also had his hand resting on my thigh that would rub slow circles on the inside of my knee.

“So,” Louis said over everyone’s voices, “We have an announcement.”

“I knew it,” Perrie muttered. I think we all knew what was coming. Niall’s hand even stilled on my knee.

Eleanor cleared her throat, “So… I’m pregnant!” We all cheered, and I felt Niall’s hand slip off my leg as I shot up with Perrie and attacked Eleanor in a massive hug with Kota and Sophia right behind us. The lads jumped on Louis, well Harry did, the other 3 laughed, though I did see Niall hanging back looking uncomfortable. I pushed that from my mind though, this moment wasn’t about us, and focused on my two best friends.

“I’m so happy for you!” Kota cheered.

“Congrats El. This is so exciting for you. For everyone,” I added. There was so much excitement in the room, everyone was at a 10, but I couldn’t completely ignore the Irish who was maybe at an 8. I watched as he gave Louis a massive hug, saying something to him I couldn’t hear. He looked so happy and proud of Lou, but I could tell he was off. Spend the better part of 4 years with someone and you can just tell these things.

I made my way over to the lads, as we all started to trade places to hug the happy expecting couple. I got to Louis first, “Congratulations daddy,” I teased.

He laughed and pulled me into a massive hug, “Thanks babe. Is something up with Ni?” he whispered lowly so no one else could hear.

“I wish I knew,” I said back just as softly. He pulled away giving me a sad smile before kissing my forehead. I stood back and let someone else have a turn with him.

I felt an arm fall onto my shoulder and when I turned, Liam smiled at me, “You alright?”

I put my arm around his waist, “Yeah. I think so.” We watched out friends still rowdy and excited. Niall was hugging Eleanor and she said something that made him laugh, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m worried about him Li.”

He gave me shoulders a squeeze, “He’ll be alright, I think. Just some internal demons.”

I looked back up at him curiously, “Has he talked to you?”

“Yeah, a bit,” he gave me an encouraging smile, “he’s just being… Niall right now. Just let him know you’re there for him.”

“I’m trying.”

*****

The drive home was tense and quiet. Niall had been visibly uncomfortable the whole night and it only got worse after Louis and Eleanor’s announcement. I tried so many times to work up the nerve to say something, but his hard stare out the windshield and how hard he was gripping the steering wheel was so intimidating.

When we got to our house, he turned the car off but didn’t make a move to get out. WE sat there in silence and I could practically feel the animosity rolling off of him. “Niall,” I tried but he cut me off.

“I can’t do this.”

My heart sped up because I could tell he was about to duck out of this conversation again, “What?” He let out a frustrated sigh, shook his head and got out of the car, slamming the door behind him. It only took me a second to scramble out of the car after him. “Wait, Niall!” I chased him into the house, “Stop! Please, talk to me!”

He threw his keys on the coffee table, and basically ripped his sweatshirt off before he turned to me. “I just… I can’t do this anymore Ayden.”

I felt all the air get sucked out of my lungs, “Excuse me?”

He growled and ran a hand through his hair, tugging on it. “We want different things. We’re going in different directions. Our futures don’t match up.”

It was getting harder to breathe with every word that came out of his mouth. “Ni, we can-”

“No. There’s no way to talk me out of this. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and-” a pained look crossed his face and he looked away from me. “I just think that maybe-”

“Don’t.” I was trying so hard to get air into my lungs, but it was becoming harder as my throat seemed to be closing in on me. “Please don’t say what you’re about to say.”

“I think we need a break. Time to figure out what we both want.”

His words were like bombs. They fell into me, chipping away at my heart with every impact. “Niall, I just… I want you. If… I just… I’ll give you-”

“Stop,” he cut me off. “I know what you’re going to say, and I can’t bear to hear it. You don’t want kids, you told me that, and I can’t ask you to give them to me. But I can’t be with you any longer knowing that there’s just no… hope for us… in the long run.”

The tears were already pouring out of my eyes to the point I could hardly see him. “Niall I-”

He held a hand up to silence me. Clearly he wasn’t going to let me have any say in this. “I just… I love you Ayden. More than words can describe. But I have to let you go. I can’t do this to myself, or you and… sometimes, when you love someone, you have to let them go.”

I wanted to say something. I wanted to say so many things, like how I was warming up to the idea of kids, just not to having them tomorrow. But I couldn’t, because he wouldn’t let me, and I couldn’t get enough air into me through the crying to form actual sentences. He still wasn’t looking at me, just staring at the floor somewhere near my feet. “You don’t have to leave,” he said after a moment. “We can figure out the living situation, but for now, I’ll take a guest room.” He didn’t even want to be near me, which was like the last nail on the coffin I think. “I just… I’m sorry Ayden,” he said softly before he turned and went up the stairs.

I stood there, listening to his footsteps get further and further away from me until I heard a door upstairs close. That was when the first actual sob broke past my lips. I had been trying to hard to cold it in as he pulled the floor out from under me. I took some deep breaths, trying to calm down enough to drive, because I knew I couldn’t’ stay here. He said I could, but I can’t be in this house, that we’ve been sharing, knowing whatever we had was over.

…Or on a break? Whatever that meant.

I dug around in my purse before I found my keys. When I pulled them out, I caught sight of my engagement right. The perfect, Peter Pan inspired ring, that was so perfect. I could feel more sobs trying to push their way up my throat.

Numbly, I reached over with my right hand and pulled it off. There was a tan line where it had been sitting for the past 3 and a half months.

Such a short time to have everything completely shatter to pieces. I set the ring down by where he dropped his car keys, then quietly slipped out the door.

I got into my car, then paused. I had nowhere to go. I would have gone to Blue’s, but she was out of the country with You Me At Six, so that also meant I couldn’t go to Josh’s. And everyone else was out of the question too because I didn’t want to make things awkward.

I pulled my phone out and called the only other person I trusted. She answered after a few rings, “’llo?”

“Dani?” I managed weakly. I sniffed, “Are… are you home?” I felt guilty for not knowing her schedule. I hadn’t talked to her in about a month.

“Ayden? Yeah I’m home. Are you okay?”

“No,” I said pathetically. “I… Niall…” I sighed, “Can I come over?”

“Of course.”

That’s all I needed. Without a second glance, I pulled away from… Niall’s and drive the short, 20 minute ride to Danielle’s.

She had the front door open before I even got out of the car, “Ayden, what happened?”

I walked up the steps to her door and could feel myself breaking down again. I managed to calm myself down enough to drive, but I could tell that wasn’t going to last much longer. I bit my lip, hard enough that I felt like blood would break through if I kept it up, “Niall… He… he,” I was becoming hysterical again, taking deep breaths trying to breathe.

“Come here,” she pulled me into her and that’s when I started to cry.

“Niall broke up with me,” I sobbed.