Hiraeth
Introduction
“I love you.”
His smile was perfect. I was sucked into those warm milk chocolate colored eyes. I let myself melt and succumb to the sweetness of it all. It was just me and him, and I would be lying if I said that this isn’t what I wanted. I could feel my heart pick up the pace to the point where it almost hurt. I began to close my eyes as I let this sweet heart attack destroy me. This is all I ever wanted.
And then I came crashing back into reality. This was so wrong, and my heart flat lined. I opened my eyes. I became cold, but I cracked out a smile anyways.
“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” I said. I pulled away. I backed up. And he began to change. His smile faltered, twitching and crumbling into oblivion. His eyes sunk into his skull, and became dry and empty. I almost wanted to give in and run back to him. Kiss him. Tell him it was alright, that I believed his hollow words.
But I didn’t. I retraced my steps, and moved further and further away from him. This is what it felt like to be bent so far that you break. My heart had suffered enough with this boy. I would die again and again before I would let myself suffer so pathetically again. I turned away from him. I could only see the light, and I was so sure that the world behind me was shrinking away into the darkness. A howl pierced my ears. The way it sounded was unholy, inhuman.
I didn’t dare look back.
I felt a pulse deep in my chest. Warmth spread throughout my body sending shivers down my spine and my breath hitched in my throat. My body shook with excitement. Is this how it feels to fight back? I could get used to this.
The light was getting closer, and the howling continued. The ground began to crack. I could smell hatred. I could smell death. I didn’t sign up for this. Had I known that this is what would transpire the first time I laid my eyes on this boy I wouldn’t have even spat in his direction. But I gave myself to him over and over again. He took my dignity. He took my life. He murdered me with each lie, with each kiss. I was a sweet, loving victim caught in the delusion that I could save him. Somehow I just knew that I could bring him to the light.
And look where I am now.
I was almost to the light. I was going to make it. This is what I wanted! I wanted my life back. I could feel hot tears burn my eyes and blur my vision. Oh please, let this be true. Please let me live!
Suddenly something grabbed my ankle. To say it hurt wasn’t even covering it. My flesh was burning, turning to ash as I screamed. I could feel the pain searing through my veins, boiling my blood and destroying my heart. The smell of my own cooking flesh made my stomach drop and then rise into my throat. I hit the ground, and I was dragged back into the darkness. The light was disappearing, and my world was ending once again.
And that’s when I woke up.
I stared at the ceiling, feeling my eyelids struggle to close over my dry eyes. My heart rate was slowing down, and my mind was becoming clear. My nightmare was starting to fade, and that’s how I wanted it. I could have gone my whole life without having a dream of that past flame of mine. But he had taken up so much of my life for years that I couldn’t just forget him. It was sick and cruel. He could move on and forget me, and I was left to waste away in pain. It should have been the other way around. I was always there. I was always giving in. I was always carrying the guilt. Why should I suffer? I suppose that’s how it goes, though. Those who are ignorant are always stuck in their own world, and push the weight on someone else. I was a fool to carry it.
I felt so old, and all I was trying to do was trying to roll out of bed. I needed to oil my tight joints as I stumbled my way to my bathroom. I flicked on the light, and I was scared of what I saw. My hair was a rat’s nest, and my makeup was smeared and caked around my eyes. I looked defeated, and that is the worst look a woman can have on. I sighed and ran my tongue over my teeth. It was time to start the day.
His smile was perfect. I was sucked into those warm milk chocolate colored eyes. I let myself melt and succumb to the sweetness of it all. It was just me and him, and I would be lying if I said that this isn’t what I wanted. I could feel my heart pick up the pace to the point where it almost hurt. I began to close my eyes as I let this sweet heart attack destroy me. This is all I ever wanted.
And then I came crashing back into reality. This was so wrong, and my heart flat lined. I opened my eyes. I became cold, but I cracked out a smile anyways.
“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” I said. I pulled away. I backed up. And he began to change. His smile faltered, twitching and crumbling into oblivion. His eyes sunk into his skull, and became dry and empty. I almost wanted to give in and run back to him. Kiss him. Tell him it was alright, that I believed his hollow words.
But I didn’t. I retraced my steps, and moved further and further away from him. This is what it felt like to be bent so far that you break. My heart had suffered enough with this boy. I would die again and again before I would let myself suffer so pathetically again. I turned away from him. I could only see the light, and I was so sure that the world behind me was shrinking away into the darkness. A howl pierced my ears. The way it sounded was unholy, inhuman.
I didn’t dare look back.
I felt a pulse deep in my chest. Warmth spread throughout my body sending shivers down my spine and my breath hitched in my throat. My body shook with excitement. Is this how it feels to fight back? I could get used to this.
The light was getting closer, and the howling continued. The ground began to crack. I could smell hatred. I could smell death. I didn’t sign up for this. Had I known that this is what would transpire the first time I laid my eyes on this boy I wouldn’t have even spat in his direction. But I gave myself to him over and over again. He took my dignity. He took my life. He murdered me with each lie, with each kiss. I was a sweet, loving victim caught in the delusion that I could save him. Somehow I just knew that I could bring him to the light.
And look where I am now.
I was almost to the light. I was going to make it. This is what I wanted! I wanted my life back. I could feel hot tears burn my eyes and blur my vision. Oh please, let this be true. Please let me live!
Suddenly something grabbed my ankle. To say it hurt wasn’t even covering it. My flesh was burning, turning to ash as I screamed. I could feel the pain searing through my veins, boiling my blood and destroying my heart. The smell of my own cooking flesh made my stomach drop and then rise into my throat. I hit the ground, and I was dragged back into the darkness. The light was disappearing, and my world was ending once again.
And that’s when I woke up.
I stared at the ceiling, feeling my eyelids struggle to close over my dry eyes. My heart rate was slowing down, and my mind was becoming clear. My nightmare was starting to fade, and that’s how I wanted it. I could have gone my whole life without having a dream of that past flame of mine. But he had taken up so much of my life for years that I couldn’t just forget him. It was sick and cruel. He could move on and forget me, and I was left to waste away in pain. It should have been the other way around. I was always there. I was always giving in. I was always carrying the guilt. Why should I suffer? I suppose that’s how it goes, though. Those who are ignorant are always stuck in their own world, and push the weight on someone else. I was a fool to carry it.
I felt so old, and all I was trying to do was trying to roll out of bed. I needed to oil my tight joints as I stumbled my way to my bathroom. I flicked on the light, and I was scared of what I saw. My hair was a rat’s nest, and my makeup was smeared and caked around my eyes. I looked defeated, and that is the worst look a woman can have on. I sighed and ran my tongue over my teeth. It was time to start the day.