Him

I think my problem is that I think every new guy that comes along will be the one that is different from “all the rest” because I’m hopelessly hopeful that karma will do me a solid and let things work out for me for once. The problem with humans is that we are all typically typical. I am not making sense. It is only 8:08pm and my head is already spinning. I get jealous, confused, lost. I get happy, ecstatic, hopeful, and all jacked up on love. I feel all of these things, within the space of fifteen minutes while I shower. I used to take particularly long showers because it was the only place I was truly left alone to think, but these days all I feel like is drowning. I used to think that I was the girl with no feelings, but it is occurring to me that I fall in love far too often. If you only look back on this collection of chapters and thoughts and feelings it becomes increasingly evident. The problem is that I’m a hopeless romantic, but at the same time I am bitter and cynical and cold. I don’t know how this is, but it is. I have an intense personality. I do not feel things by halves. It either hits me full-force or it doesn’t hit me at all. This is not poetic. This is not tragic. This is not a beautiful trait, or way of being. This is chaos. This is hell. All I want is clarity, to finally figure things out. Because it seems like everybody else is already three steps ahead of me, bounding ahead in scores, and I’m still stuck at the starting line, frozen in place because I lack the courage to start.