Same Mistakes

It has been the longest two weeks ever. I’ve been working long days on the magazine, and also doing a lot of side jobs doing portraits for friends and their families. A lot of pictures of bouncy little babies (and not so happy babies). I was exhausted with how much I was pushing myself, but I enjoyed it, plus I can use everything for my portfolio.

Liam’s been pretty busy too with boy band things. It seemed like every day he was going off to do another interview or tellie appearance or staying late at the studio to do some recording. So needless to say, we hadn’t had a lot of time together. With him busy and Jesy busy doing Little Mix things, I’ve spend a lot of nights alone, which was fine since I had a lot of editing to do.

I think a lot of the reason I was throwing myself into work was because it was easier to focus and stress over that than any possible issues to do with my relationship. But Liam’s actions were more than putting me at ease. On days we couldn’t see each other he’d text me periodically through the day- being cheeky and adorable and we always ended our nights on the phone. So it seemed like the whole L-word mishap wasn’t going to completely ruin everything like I’d thought. Thank god.

Tonight I had stayed late at the magazine office trying to get a good chunk of my editing done, so I didn’t even get on the tube to go home until 10. Liam had texted me as I left saying he had just got home too and was so tired he was going to bed but if I wanted to come over I could. I decided that maybe he needed some good sleep, so I continued on to my house.

If I had known Jesy would have been home, I would have given her a heads up.

Because I walked in on her on the couch.

In a heated make out- maybe more- session.

With Jordan Banjo.

When they heard the door close she jumped in surprise so hard she tossed Jordan right off her and onto the floor. “Jazmin!” She shrieked as she whipped her mouth, “I thought you’d be at Liam’s.”

I was still standing there in shock, “Uh, well I- nope.”

I watched as Jordan picked himself off the floor. I noticed the front of his jeans were undone. “Hi Jazmin. Long time no see.”

It was hard not to glare at him, “Yeah.”

“Jordan,” Jesy said as she stood up, fixing her clothes back into place. “Why don’t you go up to my room? I’ll meet you there.” He nodded and placed a kiss on her lips before jogging up the stairs. I watched him go before Jesy cleared her throat to get my attention, “So-”

“What is he doing here?”

She rolled her eyes at my tone, “What’s it look like.”

“I thought you were with George?”

She shrugged, “That wasn’t anything.”

“So you’re back with Jordan then?” I couldn’t help the condescending tone that laced my voice.
“Really? You really want to get into this right now?”

“Well yes.”

She huffed, “Don’t start with me.”

“What? You’re seriously just going to get back with him? Again?”

“Oh shut up Jaz, you wouldn’t understand.”

I scoffed, “Yeah, because I don’t waste my time with guys that treat me like shit.”

She laughed dryly, “Whatever, I don’t care what you think.”

“He’s just going to do it again,” I said as she started to head for the stairs. She stopped at my words and turned around slowly to look at me. “He’s just going to throw you away again like he always does when you go on tour.”

“Well that’s just something I’ll have to live with won’t it?” she snapped. “At least I’m not afraid to let someone get close enough to hurt me!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She scoffed, “Oh please. Why would I take relationship advice from the girl who won’t even let herself love anyone? Why would I listen to the girl who’s just stringing along one of the nicest guys on this fucking planet because she’s scared to get hurt? I mean, Liam worships you! News flash little one, he won’t stick around if you keep pushing him away!”

“What-”

“And by the way, we all think you’re being stupid!” she continued with a snarl. “Yeah, we all know what happened between you and Liam and you’re a bloody idiot.”

I was shocked at her words and judging by the smirk she was fighting to keep off her face, she knew it. “Who told you about that?”

She rolled her eyes and turned back to the stairs, “Zayn told Perrie.” She stopped at the foot of the stairs and glared at me again, “And before you ever think about judging me and my relationship again, take a good look in the mirror Jazmin. Because I’d rather have loved than to never know what it feels like because I’m a scared little twit.” With that last jab she stomped up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door.

I was feeling a lot in that moment, mostly anger, but there was a small sting of hurt there too. She had no right to try and judge my relationship with Liam. She didn’t know how much progress I’ve made, how much we had made. She didn’t know that Dani was still an issue for Liam and that we were working on what happened weeks ago. She didn’t know the whole story! Which, I guess is my fault for not telling her anything recently, but how could I when she was so busy?

I turned for the door, not wanting to be around to hear her and fucking Jordan. I stomped over to my car and threw myself into the front seat and just sat there. Replay everything she said, every harsh look she gave me. I guess I should have seen this coming, it had been too long since we had a good fight, but this one hurt more than I’d care to admit.

I fished my phone out of my purse and called Liam. He was the only person I wanted to see at this moment, and the only place I could think to go. He answered on what felt like the last ring and I heard him hum sleepily, “Hi.”

“Sorry, did I wake you?”

I heard him take a deep breath as he tried to wake himself up, “Yeah. But it’s alright, I don’t mind. How are you?”

I sighed, “Not great. I got in a fight with Jesy.”

“Oh?” He sounded a bit more awake at this point, “Did you want to come over? I can come get you.”

I shook my head at his words, “It’s alright, I can drive myself.”

“’Mkay. Drive safe, yeah? I’ll see you in a bit then?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll unlock the door for you.”

*****

He left the porch light on for me. I shut it off once I shut and locked his door. The house was dark, and it was quiet, but comfortable. I dropped my purse, kicked off my shoes and hung my coat up by his by the door before I made my way up to his bedroom.

He was lying on his stomach in the middle of his bed fully clothed. I could hear his soft even breaths from the door so I knew he’d fallen asleep again. I stood in the doorway with what was probably the dorkiest smile ever as I just watched him for a moment. Just looking at him made my heart race. He was just such an amazing lad, in every sense of the word. It was in moments like this, when I could just watch him and really think about everything when I realized how much I really didn’t deserve him.

I pushed those thoughts from my mind as I carefully crawled my way onto the bed. I tried not to wake him as I did, but he stirred as soon as I touched the mattress. “Hey,” he said as he rolled onto his back rubbing at his face sleepily. “Sorry for falling asleep.”

I shook my head at him as he let me crawl up into his side and he turned onto his side and cocooned me there. “It’s fine. I’m sorry for interrupting your sleep. I know you must be knackered.”

“I don’t mind being woken up by you. We haven’t had a lot of time together, so I’d rather see you and be tired later than not see you at all.”

He really knew all the right things to make someone feel amazing. I turned my face and kissed under his jaw, “You can go back to sleep.”

He rubbed at his eyes and blinked a few times as he shook his head, “No. You’re upset, do you wanna talk about it?”

I shrugged into his chest, “It’s stupid.”

“No it isn’t. Whatever it is, you can talk to me. You know that.”

“I know,” I said instantly. “It’s just,” I sighed, “I walked into on Jesy and Jordan and it just turned into the two of us fighting.” I told him about how they were apparently back together and how I thought Jordan wasn’t good enough for my cousin and how he’s broken her heard so many times already. “I just don’t get how she could just so easily take him back after all that, you know?”

He shrugged, looking down at me sympathetically, “Sometimes, love makes people put up with a lot of fucked up things.”

I looked down at his chest as I plaid with a button on his flannel shirt. “Well it’s stupid, I don’t understand why.”

He was quiet for a moment before he spoke in a careful voice, “It’s not really something you can understand until you’re there yourself. Love is,” his voice caught and I really wanted to look up into his face, but I was terrified of what I may find there. “Love it different for everyone. It makes people go mental and put up with a lot that other people might think isn’t worth it.”

A shot of anxiety and dread shot through me at his words. It felt like we weren’t talking about Jesy and Jordan anymore and that made me think about what Jesy said. ‘Why would I listen to the girl who’s just stringing along one of the nicest guys on this fucking planet because she’s scared to get hurt? I mean, Liam worships you!’

I didn’t know what to say as the silence after what he said floated around us. My heart felt like it was aching and I couldn’t help feel guilty for being who I was. I’ve put this boy through so much and yet, he was still willing to let me lay in bed with him, after a long day and he was tired, and rub slow circles on my hip into the skin under my shirt. And how do I repay him? I mean, I can’t even tell him I love him without freaking myself out. I wouldn’t even let myself think about it! I was a terrible person and I didn’t deserve him.

The unbelievable urge to cry was creeping up on me. I moved my head so I could look at him and the soft smile he instantly gave me slowly fell off his face as he read the distress on my face. He opened his mouth to say something but I beat him to it, “I don’t deserve you.”

“What?” he looked genuinely confused and distraught by my words.

I shrugged, “You’re just… you’re so perfect and I’m- I can’t even,” I sighed frustrated. “I can’t even tell you how I-” my voice broke off as a tear leaked down the side of my face and into the pillow.

“Hey,” he said softly as his hands came up to cradle my face. “What are you saying? Why are you troubling yourself with this? I thought we agreed to just move on?” He said we to be nice, because we both knew it was just me that wanted to forget what I said.

I sniffed to get a hold of my emotions, “You just deserve so much better.” I looked everywhere but his eyes.

“I don’t like seeing you like this,” he stated. “I don’t care if you think I deserve better. I’m right where I want to be Jazmin. Right here with you. If I didn’t, I never would have fought so hard to get here with you.

This is a moment I really wish I could tell him I loved him, but the words wouldn’t crawl past my throat. So I did what I knew how to do. I reached up and kissed him, and as always there was no hesitation from him. He eagerly kissed me back and let his arms wrap around me and pull me flush against him.

As much as he assured me he wanted this, wanted me, I couldn’t help think he would be better off without me.