A Melody, a Memory, or Just One Picture

Jimmy

I stood quietly outside my house and watched as the chaos unfolded. Brian had sat there on the floor for a long time. His phone had rang and rang and rang, and he only ignored it. I knew he was starting to run out of tears.

After a while I had drifted down stairs, unable to watch as my best friend broke down. It was then that I heard a car pull into the driveway. I peeked out the front window and saw Matt's SUV sitting in the driveway. I figuratively beat my head against the window before I looked over at the door that was now opening. Matt walked in and looked around nervously.

“Jimmy? Jimmy you here man?” When there was no answer he stepped all the way into the room and shut the door tightly behind him. I walked over to him and stood in front of him, but he looked right through me. I knew they could no longer see me.

“I'll bet those two went off drinking on their own.” He mumbled under his breath as he started up the stairs. How I wished he was right. He slowly walked up the stairs and once you got to the top you could hear Brian’s quiet sobs.

“Brian?” Matt asked as he walked into my room, with me drifting in behind him.

“Oh god Matt!” Brian said as he stood up and shakily walked towards Matt.

“What's wrong? Where's Jimmy?” At this question Brian broke down sobbing again. He started to collapse and Matt caught him, cradling him in his arms. “Brian you gotta fucking talk to me, what happened?”

“Jimmy's dead Matt! He's fucking gone!”

The room suddenly grew cold and quiet except for Brian’s sobs. Matt held on tighter to his distraught friend, if only to ground himself into this twisted and fucked up reality. They sat there for a few minutes longer before Matt helped Brian up and out of the room. They went downstairs and out to Matt's SUV. He helped Brian into the backseat and I slipped in beside him before he shut the door.

I sat next to my best friend as he pulled his knees to his chest and continued to sob. I saw Matt on the phone and ten minutes later two cop cars pulled into my driveway. They got out and talked to Matt before he led them inside. While they were inside I saw Zacky's car, and Johnny's car pull into the driveway as well. They both got out of their cars simultaneously.

Matt walked out of the house alone and walked towards Zack and Johnny. I placed my hand lightly on Brian's shoulder and he jerked up and looked around as though he could feel me. I sighed before I walked through the car door and towards Johnny, Zacky, and Matt, I caught the end of whatever Matt was saying.

“...Brian came over here to get him, after a while I called Brian and he didn't answer. So I came over here to find them both and Brian was upstairs in Jimmy's room crying-”

“Wait why?” Zacky asked, cutting Matt off. Matt sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He looked up and met the distraught eyes of his friends and band mates. You could see the empty sadness in his eyes and it made my unbeating heart ache.

“Jimmy's dead guys, Brian found him in his bathroom surrounded by pills and empty beer bottles.” At the the guitarist and bassist got quiet. A second later Zacky let out a sob and Johnny looked like he was trying hard to not start crying as well. We stood there in silence a long time. Zacky was crying into his hands and Johnny was staring at the ground, tears openly streaming down his face. Matt was rubbing his face and he looked stressed out.

“What's gonna happen now?” Johnny asked, finally breaking the silence.

“They're gonna take him to the hospital, perform an autopsy. They said it looked like suicide-”

“Jimmy wasn't fucking suicidal!” Zacky screamed, finally joining the conversation. Johnny hugged him and Zacky began to cry into his shoulder.

“I know and that's what I told them, they said they still have to determine cause of death.” Matt said.

We all looked up when an ambulance, without lights or sirens, pulled up and parked in front of the house. The four of us watched in silence as they got out and pulled a gurney from the back of the ambulance, wheeling it up the driveway and into the house.

“They suggested that we go home and tell our loved ones and begin to make funeral arrangements.” Matt said and Johnny nodded, Zacky still sobbing into his shoulder.

“Where's Brian?” Johnny asked.

“He's in the backseat of my car, I had to drag him out of Jimmy's room.” Matt said and I sighed. I didn't want to hear anymore of this conversation, it was bad enough I had to witness it the first time.

I walked back over to the car and sat down. Brian was sitting there with his knees against his chest and his head resting against his knees. His breathing was ragged and shallow. I leaned in close so I could hear what he was muttering to himself.

“This is all my fault, all my fucking fault. If I hadn't left him alone to drink. I was fucking selfish and I got my best friend killed because of it. Its all my fucking fault. All my fault, I’m so fucking sorry Jimmy....” I couldn't listen to this anymore.

“It's not your fault Brian!” I screamed but he didn't even flinch. I grabbed my hair and growled out. I climbed back out of the car and started down the street. I walked onto the beach and sat down. I closed my eyes and listened to the waves crash lightly against the shore and the sea gulls over head. I felt the wind blow through my hair and the sun on my pale, lucent skin.

This is where I go to think, or at least where I used to go when I was alive. I didn't understand any of this, I thought when people died they went to heaven or hell, not stick around to watch their friends and family cry over them. And I don't think I have any unfinished business, least none that would be life pressing, no pun intended.

What I really don't understand is what my friends did to deserve this. What did I do to make them punish my friends like this? The one thing I try to do in life is keep people smiling and laughing, and now?

Now they're crying because of me.