Loving Him Was Red

~Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can’t live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you wreck me~

Patrick’s eyes slowly opened at the sound of whispering and snickering coming from the other side of the curtain that closed his bed off from the rest of the tour bus. He went to stretch his arms and legs and then realized that his legs were being weighed down. He looked down and saw Emma’s head resting on his bare chest and her leg wrapped around his. He smiled remembering the night before. Every contour of her body flashed into his memory, every sigh and moan. He slowly scooted her off of him and she curled up into a ball. He wiped his eyes and pulled the curtain open quietly. He was immediately greeted by the three faces of his friends and band mates and each of them looked amused.

“Good morning sunshine,” Joe said teasingly. Patrick gave them a waning smile.

“Hi, what are you guys doing?” he said bluntly.

“Well, we’re in Miami, if you haven’t noticed,” Pete said, “and in case you’ve forgotten, we have a few radio interviews to do this morning.”

Patrick sighed. “Yeah, I might have forgotten about them.”

“Looks like your mind was on other things last night,” Andy said, raising his eyebrows. Patrick’s eyes widened and he shot him a look.

“I’ll be ready in five,” he said and then shut the curtain again. He rolled over and lightly nudged Emma’s shoulder. “Em,” he murmured gently. “Emma.”

She groaned and slowly opened her eyes. “Good morning,” she mumbled, stretching herself out. The sheet fell off her a bit and revealed her naked chest. Patrick grinned. “What’s up?”

“We have those radio interviews to do,” he said, pulling the sheet up over her body.

She smirked. “Why so modest? You weren’t that way last night,” she teased, pulling his face to her and kissing him softly.

“Er,”

“Emma, my dear, what a beautiful morning it is,” Pete said, sticking his head into the bunk. Emma screamed in Patrick’s ear and he jumped, startled, his head banging against the bottom of the other bunk. Pete grinned annoyingly large.

“That’s why,” Patrick said lamely, rubbing the now tender top of his head.

Emma grabbed the pillow from under her and threw it at Pete. ”Not funny!” That didn’t stop Pete, Joe and Andy from laughing hysterically. She looked at Patrick. “Go before I murder your band mates.”

Patrick smiled and kissed her lips again. “I’ll see you when we get back.”

“Hopefully, remember I have that interview with Robin Thicke around lunch,” she replied.

“Okay, I’ll make sure we get back here before you go,” he said.

She ruffled his hair. “You know I’ll come back after the interview. Robin Thicke’s voice isn’t as great to me as yours is, so I will not swoon easily.”

Patrick blushed. “I know, I,” Just want to be near you all of the time, he thought, silently finishing his sentence.

Emma must have known what he was thinking because she kissed him again and said, “I know. Me too.”

He grinned and clambered out of the bunk and pulled out his suitcase, opening it and grabbing a pair of black pants, a black t-shirt and his acid washed jean jacket. He shoved himself into the bathroom and started dressing, brushing his teeth and washing his face in no particular order. His heart felt lighter than it had in months, maybe even years. His mind was constantly replaying Emma’s face and every word that came out of her mouth. He was so excited to be near her again that it gave him butterflies in his stomach. So this is what love feels like, he thought to himself satisfied. After he was finished getting ready, he came out of the bathroom and walked to the front of the bus. The guys were all sitting around with AJ waiting for Patrick, joking around with Emma who had emerged from his bunk bed and seemed to locate one of his t-shirts and a pair of her own denims cut offs. Patrick enjoyed seeing her in his clothes. He remembered that she always wore one of his shirts to bed every night, and the memory made him happier.

“Finally! God sometimes you get dressed like a girl,” Joe complained.

Patrick pressed his lips into a thin line. “Thanks, Joe and that hair… how long does it take to curl like that?” He elicited laughs from the rest of the crew.

“Psh, this is au natural, you’re just jealous you don’t have this to work with,” Joe retorted gesturing toward his hair.

“I know I am,” Emma countered, smiling.

Patrick paused in front of her and leaned down to give her a kiss on the cheek. “What are you going to be doing while we’re gone?”

She shook her head and simpered. “Prepping for my interview of course.” She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “I’ll see you later.”

“Oh my God, stop with the gag-worth cuteness, we are going to be late!” Joe exclaimed.

Emma pushed Patrick forward and gave him a small slap on the butt. “Laters,” he said, giving her a small wave.

They left the tour bus and headed to one of the SUV’s parked out front. As they climbed in, Pete said, “Oh, man, Carl was not happy when he came back to pick us up after he took you and Emma home.”

Patrick cringed. “Yeah, it wasn’t pretty. She made a bit of a mess.”

“Bit of a mess!?” Carl, their driver, exclaimed climbing into the driver’s seat. “I had to pick up another truck before I picked everyone else up, it smelled awful.”

“Sorry, she had a bit too much to drink,” Patrick said helplessly.

“But it obviously didn’t affect the rest of the evening,” Andy pointed out.

“Yeah, man, we’re gonna need some details, like down to the balls sucking. Tracy just left for a modeling shoot out in LA so I’m going to need something to hold me over,” Pete commented.

“Ew, gross, no, I will not have me and Emma’s sex be your slap bank,” Patrick replied. Pete snapped his fingers in an “Aw Shucks” fashion.

“Dude that’s not very bro of you,” Joe exclaimed.

Patrick shook his head. “Nope, not happening. Emma’s not a one night stand that I’m going to divulge.”

“So what is it then? Are you guys going to start dating again?” Pete asked him, seriously.

Patrick shrugged. “We really didn’t talk about it, but I want to be with her. I still love her and last night proved that we really belong together.”

“Said Mariah Carey,” Joe joked.

Patrick rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

“So are you going to let Natalie know?” Andy asked him.

Patrick looked down at his hands, which were holding his iPhone. He hadn’t seen any more missed calls from her since around midnight of last night. He felt bad about calling her and breaking it off over the phone, but he didn’t want to wait until the tour was over either because they still had a full month left. He was a bit surprised at himself for being so apathetic toward her. He was never entirely sure he loved her, but he cared about her and wouldn’t want to see her get hurt. He wasn’t that kind of guy – he didn’t just cheat on the women he was with. He was always a monogamous and a bit of a romantic, much to his chagrin and the guys’ amusement. That was always who he was. Yet, he also never thought he could get as mean as he had gotten the day he broke Emma’s heart and lost her.

“You still with us?” Pete asked him, breaking him out of his thoughts.

Patrick looked at him offering a reassuring smile. “Yeah, I am just thinking about, er, exactly what I am going to do about Natalie.”

“Well, no sense in keeping her hanging on, ya know?” Andy said.

Patrick did know. He looked out the window and resolved to call her once he was able to get back to the tour bus and talk to Emma first about them. “God, I feel like I’m in a Matthew McConaughey romantic comedy.”

“Eh, I would say Paul Rudd, you’re not good looking enough to be likened to that dreamboat Matt,” Joe commented, making the other guys laugh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She ran her hands through her hair slowly, enjoying the water running down her back, washing the shampoo out. With her eyes closed, she played back memories of the night before, Patrick’s naked body pressed against hers, his lips pressed against every inch of her body: her shoulders, stomach, breasts. She could feel herself getting turned on again just by thinking about it. God, it’s been a long time, she thought. She hadn’t been with a man since Patrick and now she was sure she did not want to be with any other man. She kept her mind focused on her good feelings because she could feel feelings of dread creeping into her. Mainly because she could not forget that Patrick still had a girlfriend. She couldn’t believe that this thought hadn’t occurred to her until the morning. Maybe it was because she was still feeling a bit woozy from the alcohol the night before, or maybe it was the way Patrick looked at her, the way he spoke to her, his desire overwhelming her.

A part of her was fearful of what it would mean for the two of them to begin a relationship again. Although Patrick had apologized multiple times, she was still uncertain about their future. She wanted to believe that everything would be different that Patrick would not throw her away. Then again, she did not know how much of his love he felt for her still was just deviating from seeing her again and if it would not fade over time as it apparently had before. No, Emma, he said he always loved you, she chastised herself. He did try and apologize right after the break up and try to get back with you. He must be telling the truth. She knew that they still had a lot to talk about before she could feel comfortable with moving forward.

After she showered and dressed into her own clothes, she curled up on the couch in the main area of the tour bus an started reviewing her notes from Christian on the Robin Thicke interview she had in a couple of hours. She plugged her headphones into her MacPro and started listening to Thicke’s new CD so that she could familiarize herself with the songs beyond his hit that was currently out. She lost herself in the music and her prep and didn’t hear the door to the tour bus open up. She did feel someone tap her knee and it made her jump.

“Jesus Christ!” she exclaimed, pulling her ear phones out. She looked at the person who had interrupted her. It was a tiny girl, a little shorter than Emma and much thinner with an abundance of curly deep red hair and bright blue eyes. She dressed in a flowing summer dress with a sheer white cardigan over it and those trendy gladiator sandals. She looked at Emma confused. “Er, can I help you?” Emma said, raising an eyebrow in curiosity. She wondered if the girl was some fan that had sneaked into the back of the venue to see if she could meet the guys.

“Um, yeah, who are you?” the girl asked her, narrowing her eyes accusingly.

Emma closed her MacBook Pro and placed it on the couch next to her. “Um, I could ask you the same question. I’m Emma, the writer for Rolling Stone magazine. And you are???”

The girl’s suspicious glare turned into one of surprise and delight. “Oh! I didn’t know you were a girl!” She stuck her hand out for a handshake. “My name is Natalie O’Neill, Patrick’s girlfriend. I’m sure he’s talked about me to you before!”

Emma could feel the rest of the bile from the night before start to rise up into her throat. “Na…Natalie? Patrick’s girlfriend?” she echoed dumbly.

The girl rolled her eyes. “Yes, silly, how else do you think I knew where to find the guys.” She looked at Emma with concern before grabbing her hand to shake it. “It is so nice to meet you! He was telling me that there was a writer from a magazine following them around for a story. I thought you’d be a guy though.”

Emma looked up at her helplessly. “Last minute change,” she said. “Um, what are you doing here?”

Natalie sat down next to her. “Well, Patrick hasn’t told me when he wanted me to come visit. I’ve never seen one of their shows before and I got worried because he wasn’t answering his phone so I told my boss at the firm that I needed to take a small vacation and took a red eye here to surprise him!” She was grinning widely. “Do you think he’ll be surprised?”

Emma raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah, I can assure you that this will surprise him.”

“This is awesome that you are here though. I was wondering who I would hang out with while he would be busy with the shows. Do you like shopping?” Emma just shrugged. “Excellent! I can’t wait for us to hang out. I’m sure you have lots of questions for me!”

You have no idea, she thought resentfully, but “Of course,” is what she ended up saying.

“I’m a little nervous to be here, you know,” she said to Emma as she pulled some lip gloss out of her large leather purse and applying an obscenely large amount over her lips. They were shining so bright that when the light hit them, it nearly blinded Emma. “I’ve never dated a celebrity before or a musician. I have a few friends who have and some of them have sworn them off. They say touring is the death of all relationships. I don’t know about this whole touring thing. It seems kind of rough. But it’s okay, I love Patrick and he loves me so we can get through it.”

Emma looked at her blankly. “He loves you?”

Natalie looked at her as if she had a third eyeball. “Uh, yes, we tell each other we love each other, like all the time.”

“Oh, yeah, of course,” Emma replied. “That’s really great.” She could feel her heart getting heavier in her chest. The brief happiness that she felt had suddenly vanished and was replaced by dread.

Natalie looked at her oddly, but then decided to change the subject. “So, what is like writing for a magazine like Rolling Stone? I bet you get to meet a lot of awesome celebrities!” Natalie exclaimed excitedly.

“Uh, yeah I’ve met a few,” Emma answered shortly. She glanced at the clock on her phone. She had an hour yet to get to her interview.

“That must be so exciting! I’ve only seen a few celebrities since I started at my job two years ago, but I’m sure that I’ll meet more now that I’m with Pat.”

“Pat?” Emma whispered in confusion. “Uh, yeah they seem to have their fair share of celebrity friends. But these guys are, I mean, seem like they like to keep a low key profile, personally,” Emma said to her.

Natalie laughed lightly. “Oh of course! So, what is it like being on this tour bus with a bunch of boys all day long? That must be weird.”

“No, not really,” she said. “I mean, it’s a little weird, but I, uh, work with a lot of guys so it’s actually really normal. Not a lot of female writers at the magazine, you know,” she added. She glanced at her phone again. She stood up. “Um, I actually need to go. I have an interview in a bit.”

Natalie stood up too. “Oh! How exciting… wait I thought you were here to follow the band?”

“Er, yeah, but my editor called me up with a side project. Since I was in the area…” She trailed off as the door to the tour bus opened. She could hear the guys’ voices filtering into the bus and Emma felt her body heat up in embarrassment. “This cannot be happening,” she muttered.

Pete was coming up the stairs first and he called out, “Hey Emma, we’ve brought your lover boy back early for…uh…” he trailed off and stopped in his tracks. Andy and Joe clamored up the stairs behind him. '
“Dude, get out of the way, what’s the hold up, I got to pee!” Joe exclaimed. His eyes focused on Natalie and said, “Oh, boy.”

Patrick was the last person to come up the stairs and Emma watched Natalie’s smile widen immensely. “Baby!” she squealed, making Patrick’s face pale. She rushed toward him, pushing the other boys out of the way. Jumping on him, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her lips against his hard. Emma looked away, her eyes starting to well up with tears.

When she pulled away from him, Patrick said, “Natalie, what are you doing here?”

She frowned. “I wanted to surprise you. I know you said you’d get back with me on when I could visit, but I figured, why not now? Plus, I was worried about you. You weren’t answering your phone,” she pouted. “Are you not happy to see me?”

“That’s one way to put it, “Joe murmured to the other guys and Pete elbowed him in the gut to quiet him.

“Of course, um, I am,” Patrick stammered. “I’m just surprised that’s all.”

Natalie grinned cheekily and looked at Emma. “You were right, Emma, he was surprised!”

The boys had turned their attention to her and Emma could feel her face reddened. She looked at Patrick who looked confused and panicked. “Yep, I called it.”

“Baby, you didn’t tell me that the writer was a girl! That’s so cool. I was just telling her how we can hang out while you guys are performing and stuff,” Natalie started blabbing.

“Uh, I don’t think Emma will have time for all that,” Pete interjected, giving her a worried look. Emma looked back at Pete with a grateful look. She could sense that he was feeling sympathetic for her at that moment. Joe and Andy were also looking at her concerned.

Natalie frowned. “Aw, Emma, we just have to hang out! I’ve never been to Miami and I hear they have some excellent shopping!”

Emma took a deep breath. “Um, well I’d love to, but I still kind of have this interview to do and then I have to have it written by seven tonight, so, um, maybe another time.”

Natalie stuck her lip out and pouted. “Oh, fine. It’s okay, I want to hang out with my Pat for a little bit anyway.” She wrapped her arms around him again as he was cringing from her calling him Pat.

Emma raised an eyebrow. “That sounds like a fine idea. You two have fun now.” She pushed her way past them, without glancing back at Patrick. “I’ll talk you guys later.” She could hear Natalie say an enthusiastic goodbye and she shut the tour bus door behind her. As soon as she was about three feet away, she doubled over and took a gasping breath as a sob came out. She covered her face in her hands and started to weep, her breath coming out in rasping gasps. She felt like a fool, embarrassed for having to be in the situation that she was in. She had told herself to keep her relationship with Patrick professional and to keep her distance, but she just couldn’t listen to her own good advice. It didn’t help matters that Patrick wasn’t trying to keep his distance either.

“Emma, you dropped this!” she heard Patrick shout, as he raced out of the tour bus. She straightened herself out, and took a deep breath before turning to face him.

“I didn’t drop anything,” she said, opening her bag to check.

“I know you didn’t,” Patrick said, “I pretended you did so I could grab you before you left.”

She exhaled a heavy breath. “Why did you do that Patrick? Or, no wait, do you like to go by ‘Pat’ now?” she gave him a sardonic look.

He groaned. “I know, I don’t know why I never told her not to call me that,” he said. “But, look, I wanted to talk to you…”

“Patrick,” she said, interrupting him, “There is nothing for us to talk about. You need to go back inside and be with your girlfriend who flew all the way here from LA to surprise you.”

“Emma, but last night…”

“What about last night?” Emma cut him off. “Patrick, there was no last night. It didn’t happen.”

Patrick’s face fell, and the look on his face made Emma look away. She couldn’t take seeing Patrick in pain. She had seen that look before and she knew she would cave if she kept looking at it. “Are you serious?”

She nodded. “Patrick, we were stupid to think that anything could have happened between us. There’s too much…” She trailed off, catching her breath. Saying the words out loud just wounded her too much. “I have to go.” She rushed away toward the front of the venue to catch a cab, refusing to look back at him for fear that she would lose her resolve. She knew what she was doing was the right thing to do, even if her heart was breaking as she did it.