All That Matters

Life got a little crazy for us during their five game race to the finish in the third round of the playoffs. They won their first game at home but game two had been a late loss that gave the other team more life than the boys would have hoped. They’d been playing well on home ice for most of the season and that had remained the case in the playoffs, but game two simply hadn’t gone their way.

I’d expected for Sidney to seem dejected or concerned, but it hadn’t happened. He was at ease, still sure that things would be fine. He was calm about it on every level. His smile wasn’t slower to make an appearance and I was relieved to see that.

I watched from home as they won their third game with what appeared to be ease. It was as if game two had been a fluke. Like they were teasing their opponents with the idea that they might not be playing as well as everyone thought.

I was tasked with holding down the fort in Pittsburgh and by the time they were on their flight home after their overtime win in game four, I was already juggling flight schedules from Minnesota and Halifax.

Dad just wanted some time away from the chilly air that hadn’t let up over the course of the spring. It was cool and rainy, not much different than Pittsburgh had been, but I knew that he wanted to get away. He would fly in the day of game five while Trina would arrive the day before.

But Troy, who’d been doggedly following the team like a dedicated Dead Head, was back in Pittsburgh just hours after Sidney and the team returned home.

Our hope was that they would close the series in the fifth game on home ice. If that was the case, our families would stay in town for the final round. They weren’t sure if they would have home ice advantage or not, but if they did it would be a great way to start.

Sid crawled out of bed just a few hours after he’d fallen asleep, and insisted that I stay in bed while he went to get his dad from the airport. Though he’d only gotten a few hours of sleep, it was rare when I got more than a few hours and he seemed to believe that I needed the extra sleep more than he did.

I’d been warned, encouraged to get sleep whenever I could, wherever I could. Everyone I knew had told me it would get harder to do as time went on and I’d hoped it wasn’t as bad as they’d made it seem. But as she grew, her ability to plant an elbow or knee into my spine or ribs became stronger. My mind raced most nights and it could take hours just to get to sleep. It seemed like a terrible time to develop insomnia.

She moved just as much, but she kicked a little less freely. Still, she could lodge herself in places she probably shouldn’t have been able to fit. She put pressure on organs and nerves and I made more bathroom runs than I could stand but I regarded it as good practice for the sleeplessness that would come when she was born.

Sid knew that it kept me up at night. He was acutely aware of my struggles as I shifted my weight and adjusted the pile of pillows that had taken up residence between us and around most of my body. But I preferred not to tax him with it, trying to remain still and relaxed when I could so as to allow him to sleep.

The third round made me nervous. So many things had gone wrong in the previous post-season and I wanted Sid to be as focused as possible.

Still, I would feel him drape and arm over my side and dig his wide fingers into the tight muscles in my back. Or he would place a careful hand on my stomach and rub soothing circles until we fell asleep. I could always feel her move towards his hand, like its warmth was a beacon to her. She responded to my touch as well, but I was certain that it was different with Sid, like his energy was calmer than mine, inviting her towards him.

Most mornings, when he was home, I would wake before he left for practice or morning skates. His arm would still be draped across my body and my hand would be on his chest as if there wasn’t a dam of pillows between us.

The morning after game four was one of those mornings.

I lay there awake for some time before he opened his eyes. I liked the chance to watch him sleep as it had usually been the other way around with us. He was so often out of bed before I even began to stir and I liked that the tables had turned a bit.

I would watch his eyelids flutter, his eyelashes nearly touching his high cheekbones. The light that was beginning to creep through the east facing windows danced across the planes of his face as he breathed in and out in a gentle rhythm. It was peaceful; soothing to observe.

But he never stayed asleep for long after I’d begun my morning observations. His eyes would creep open slowly and he’d catch me with my eyes on him. Slowly a smile would creep across his face, softening his features, making him appear less angular. He looked so young when he was just waking up. His hair was always a mess of curls that framed his face in a way that made him appear like a teenager.

That morning, I watched as he slowly opened his eyes. He pulled himself closer to me, his hand on the small of my back. The pillows around me kept us separated, but we were close enough that I could feel his heat radiating from his skin.

He murmured a greeting and kissed me softly, his plump lips barely brushing mine but still sending a jolt of electricity through me.

“Good morning,” I replied before licking my lips and letting out a quiet sigh.

He looked over his shoulder at the clock on the nightstand. It was still early enough that I wanted us to stay in bed forever, but I knew that couldn’t be.

He shifted his weight and pushed himself into a seated position. I groaned audibly only to hear him chuckle under his breath.

“Don’t go.”

“I have to go get Dad from the airport.”

I groaned again.

I watched as he shook his head, his eyes rolling playfully. There was a brief moment where he didn’t move, then I felt his hand twitch at the base of my t-shirt before he slipped the fabric upwards. He leaned down and pressed his lips to the exposed skin just below my belly button.

“Morning, little one,” he murmured before releasing my clothing and sitting all the way up.

I loved it when he talked to her. There were times that he didn’t know that he was listening; moments when he thought he had a moment alone with her. But I was becoming a light sleeper and his voice could wake me from my deepest sleep.

“I can go get him, Sid,” I insisted as he got out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans that he’d set out the night before.

He leaned down across the bed and kissed my temple, pushing a few curls away from my face. His stubble scratched the skin of my cheek, but the playoff beard was more than welcome.

“It’s a day off, babe. I can nap later.”

“You barely slept.”

He shrugged. “Neither did you and you’re on parent and airport duty for the rest of the week. I’ve got it today.”

He stood up straight and pulled a t-shirt down over the pale skin of his torso. It wouldn’t be long before his skin would be sunkissed and warm the way it had the previous summer. I’d grown so accustomed to it that as his tan faded over the winter I found myself craving the warm days on the dock on the lake.

“I’ll make breakfast,” I offered softly. I tried to roll out of the pillows but he wasn’t about to offer help.

“We’ll pick something up on the way home.”

“I can—“

“Rest,” he insisted. “Let me take care of you once in a while, would ya?”

I smiled softly.

It was the advice my father had once given me, to let him take care of me, to dote on me when he felt he needed to. And I had to admit, it wasn’t bad advice. Sidney wanted to feel involved and engaged in what was happening with me and the baby. He wanted to put together furniture like he had a couple of weeks earlier. He wanted to babyproof the house as well.

That was a process he’d started between the second and third rounds. I’d woken one morning to find him already out of bed. I found him sitting on the kitchen floor with a toolbox and a set of instructions. One of the cabinets beneath the sink was swung wide open as he poked his tongue between his teeth in concentration.

“Good morning,” I said from the doorway.

He looked up and smiled.

“What are you up to?”

He held up a bag of plastic pieces. “Baby proof latches.”

“You know it will be a while before she can move on her own let alone crawl into the cabinets where we keep the poisonous things.”

“I want to be ready. Besides, this way I’ll know what I’m doing when I babyproof the lake house. Because if I don’t do that this summer, the house won’t be ready for us next summer when she is big enough to get into the cupboards with the poisonous things.”

“Can I at least help?”

He looked skeptical as I inched forward. “Haven’t we already had a conversation like this?”

“I’ll just handle the instructions. And I won’t nag.” He raised an eyebrow. “Fine, I won’t nag unless you really deserve it.”

He patted the floor next to him and it was my turn to send him a look of skepticism.

“Once this ship goes down, it’s tricky getting her afloat again.”

He rolled his eyes and laughed. “I’ll help you up.”

“When you pull something how will you explain that to Dan? ‘Sorry, Coach; I slipped a disk trying to lift a whale off my kitchen floor. Looks like I’m out.’”

“Stop it,” he sighed, “and sit down if you want to help.”

I lowered myself onto the floor gingerly. She really was making it extraordinarily difficult for me to do certain things, sitting comfortably was one of them. I leaned against the cabinets to remain upright.

But as tricky as it was to do certain things, I was growing more excited every day. I wanted to see her, to hold her, to know her. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t see my toes or tie my own shoes. It didn’t matter that taking a bath required help getting out of the tub. The stretch marks and hemorrhoids didn’t matter to me as uncomfortable as they were.

It helped that I could see Sidney morphing into the father he was going to be with each passing day.

I could see the change in the way he looked at me with more love than I could ever imagine. That was because much of it was his love for her. It was like Trina had said at Christmas, it was the way a man looked at the mother of his child. He was seeing me and her as a single unit.

It made me love him more than I thought was possible.

He handed me the instructions and leaned in to place a kiss on my lips.

“Good morning,” he murmured before leaning towards the swell of my abdomen and repeating his words for the baby.

She shifted slightly. She knew his voice.

She still didn’t have a name and we were both growing frustrated with the lack of movement we’d made in finding a name for her.

“Maybe we should pick a middle name first,” I suggested as I handed him a tool from the pile.

He looked at me like it was some kind of life changing revelation.

“It could work. We can try it anyway.”

I passed him a piece of the latch and pointed to the spot where it belonged on the door.

“Rumer?”

“Unfortunate. Think about it, babe.”

He had a point, especially since the pregnancy rumors had started a week before. Beau had told me someone asked him on Twitter after the camera caught me in the owner’s box during a game. It wasn’t like I could hide it. I was around thirty-three weeks and I couldn’t do much to conceal her presence. It was only a matter of time before everyone figured it out.

But the media had yet to ask Sidney about it which felt like a relief.

That too was only a matter of time and I was determined to enjoy the peace it offered us while we had it.

“Okay,” I admitted. “You’re right on that one.”

“Sarah?”

“Way too common. Besides, don’t you have a cousin named Sarah?”

He didn’t argue. “Alright. What do you think about Melody?”

It was sweet. The idea of paying homage to my mother was touching and the fact that he’d been the one to think about it meant a lot to me.

“She hated her name,” I reminded him. “But I love you for thinking of her.”

“Of course.”

“I have an idea,” I said as he reached for the screw waiting in my hand.

“Give it to me.”

“The idea or the screw?”

He chuckled. “Both.”

“Linda.”

His hands fell still and the screw remained in my palm. His hands dropped to his lap, the task forgotten for a moment.

“Really?”

“She meant a lot to you. You meant the world to her. To be honest, she had a really big role in our relationship.”

She’d been the one to tell me to love him even when he pushed me away. She was the reason that I countered his bullheadedness with my own brand of stubborn. Her advice had guided me during more than one argument. Her words were a reminder of what a challenge Sid could be but just how worth it he was.

“She really thought you were something special,” he said softly. “I never saw her react to anyone the way she did you.”

“Good judge of character,” I quipped.

“She was. But as much as I love the idea, it’s a little old fashioned for you and I don’t know how it flows as a middle name.”

He had a point.

“Okay, how about Lynn? Shorten it and pay homage that way.”

“Honestly?” he asked.

I braced myself. We were so close to compromising I could taste it.

“Don’t pull punches.”

He smiled. “I love it.”

A grin broke out across my face. “Really?”

“Really,” he said as he finally took the screw from my palm and secured it in place.

“Did we just compromise?” I asked as he placed the screwdriver back in the box to his left.

“Not only that, but we accomplished a task together, as a team, without arguing.”

He closed the cabinet and tugged at the door as if to prove his point.

“Maybe this co-parenting thing won’t present as many challenges as we thought,” I chided.

“No challenges? What fun is that?”

I had to admit, it was a nice feeling. She was graced with two-thirds of her name and we had until July to settle on a first name. But July was approaching quickly.

But progress was nice.

I eventually made my way out of bed and into the kitchen while he was off picking Troy up from the airport. He’d told me to sleep, but the baby was wide awake and she had other ideas.

I tugged at the cupboard that we’d secured a couple of weeks earlier and couldn’t help but smile. But she still didn’t have a first name.

“…Could have just called a car,” Troy was saying as they came through the kitchen door.

“It’s fine, Dad.”

“You need your rest. You got home late.”

“Wyn needs her rest too.”

“Which is why I could have called a car.”

He smiled when he saw me. I was still in my pajamas, a pair of Sidney’s sweats and his baggiest t-shirt. I had outgrown all of my own loungewear but I refused to size up and instead started stealing Sid’s clothes. He didn’t mind and wasn’t like he didn’t have plenty.

Troy dropped his bag by the door and kicked off his shoes as Sidney slipped behind him and set the breakfast on the counter.

“Morning, Troy.”

It was amazing how pleasant his visits had become. The tension that had existed between us for so long was almost non-existent. He was still himself, but he was softening a bit. His visits weren’t a surprise, they were never sprung on me without notice. He wasn’t unpleasant and we were developing a rapport.

He hugged me quickly. He was still a bit hesitant with affection, but it was a change that I had never expected.

“How are you feeling?”

“Great.”

Sidney scowled.

“I’m good, Sidney. There’s just a considerable amount of baby confined to a pretty small space.” I looked down, my toes a complete mystery to me. “Well, it was small.”

Troy chuckled. “As long as everything is good.”

“Doctor says she’s healthy. Everything is on point.”

Both Crosby men smiled.

“What’d you bring me for breakfast?”

Sidney slipped the takeout boxes out of the bag on the counter.

“Mixed grille and an order of French Toast.”

“What about you?”

“Dad and I ate our hoagies in the car.”

He’d gone a little out of his way to my favorite breakfast spot on the Southside. But I didn’t mention it. I decided that it was a time that I needed to let him dote. He’d been out and it wasn’t really a big deal. I pulled up a stool at the island and balanced myself as best I could.

Troy poured himself a cup of coffee and pulled up a seat across from me. Side stayed standing, leaned against the countertop with his arms folded. His hair was a mess of curls.

“How was your flight?” I asked as I popped the boxes open.

“Not bad. Pretty short.”

Sid pulled open the refrigerator and grabbed the syrup. He took a step forward to place it in front of me and then returned to his previous posture.

“Next round the flights will be longer.”

“Which means your folks will have to keep an eye on you out in California when the time comes.”

Troy smiled and I dug into my breakfast.

The West was down to the Kings and the Sharks. So no matter what, their trips for away games would take them all the way to the west coast.

I was inching towards my final six weeks of pregnancy. I had no interest in air travel and it wasn’t the greatest idea either. I needed to get up and walk around and I needed to pee every couple of hours. I knew that I wouldn’t be comfortable and that Sid would worry about me. It didn’t sound pleasant and we’d long since agreed that if they reached the final, even if they were in the position to close the series on the road, I would watch from the sofa in Sewickley.

His confidence that they would make it to the final wasn’t undue. It wasn’t misplaced in the way that it had been in the lockout shortened season. They were playing their best hockey of the season. They weren’t unstoppable and they realized that; any team could be stopped. But they were a force to be reckoned with.

Sid was playing with the cool confidence of the veteran that he was becoming. Physically, he was better conditioned than most; there were young guys who couldn’t keep up with him. They certainly couldn’t knock him off a puck. He was picking up rebounds at the net and putting up points in nearly every game. More than that, he was focused; mentally sharp in a way he hadn’t been the year before. Nothing could distract him.

The rest of the team was playing well. Kris and Geno were playing with focus and clarity in a way they hadn’t in a while. The injuries weren’t piling up. Flower was still strong and Tomas was back on his feet.

The cards were stacked in their favor but they wouldn’t let that distract them. They didn’t expect to coast. They went into every game looking to compete and they didn’t make it easy on anyone.

They needed one win to get into the final.

One win.

I was as confident as Sidney was.

“Taylor is looking forward to coming out,” Troy said over the rim of his mug.

“I’m excited to have some company.”

“I think she’s up to the job.”

She would head for Pittsburgh as soon as her school year ended.

“I can’t believe she’s graduating.”

Her parents would head to Minnesota at the end of May for commencement, more than likely just for the day. She didn’t seem too excited about it, glad to be through high school but more excited for her final summer before college. She wanted to start it the way all of us did, with a Stanley Cup for her brother and his team.

“Jesus,” Sid muttered. “Don’t remind me.”

“You let me worry about Taylor,” Troy said. “You’ve got your own daughter to worry about for the rest of your life.”

I smiled. It was valid.

“Speaking of,” Troy added, his eyes on me, “Sidney told me you picked a middle name.”

Sidney had been given full permission to share it with his dad. I wanted Troy to know. I wanted to be sure that he would be okay with it.

“And you don’t mind?”

“Of course not. My mom would have loved it. Lynn is a nice tribute to her, Bronwyn.”

“But it’s still her own,” Sidney added with a smirk.

“It’s no wonder celebrities name their children such bizarre things. It’s hard.”

Troy chuckled. “Sidney was easy since it was my grandfather’s name. Taylor was tougher, but we got there. You’ll find one and it will be a wonder why it was ever a struggle.”

Sidney was laughing.

“What?” I asked.

“It’s just funny that you mentioned bizarre names when you suggested the name Lyric yesterday.”

“It’s pretty.”

“And what about Allegra?”

“Also pretty. It’s musical.”

“It’s allergy medication.”

“At least the names I suggest don’t induce yawning or suicidal thoughts.”

“Nope, just vomiting.”

“Really? Because I threw up in my mouth a little when you suggested Angela and a little more when you suggested Judith.”

“Both at better than Demetria.”

Troy watched us volley back and forth.

Her first name was not going to come easily and that was becoming abundantly clear.

“That much of a struggle, eh?” Troy asked.

“It’s been a challenge,” Sidney confirmed.

“You’re a challenge,” I retorted.

“That was really grown up, babe.”

I shrugged.

“I got you breakfast.”

“I offered to cook.”

“You can’t reach the stove.”

I narrowed my eyes, but I couldn’t feign anger for long. He was actually right. My arms weren’t long enough and I couldn’t quite reach the back burners on the stove safely. It had posed a challenge but Sidney enjoyed watching me try.

I picked Trina up from the airport the next day while Sid was at practice. Troy had gone along with him to observe and I was left with the chance to show Trina what had been accomplished in the nursery since she’d last seen it.

She stood in the doorway for a moment as she observed the space. I still hadn’t settled on curtains and the big windows felt bare, but they let the light into the room in a way that brightened the neutral walls. The bedding was all in place and the shelves had become dotted with books and toys that would belong to our daughter sooner than felt possible.

A lot had happened since Thanksgiving.

“What do you think?” I asked as she glanced into the closet which was still color coordinated. I doubted it would remain that way, but it was nice while it lasted.

“You painted the tree?”

I nodded.

“I think this is a wonderful room for a little girl to grow up in.”

“So do we.”

My hands were on my belly, running in circles without thought. It would be a great place for her to spend her first few years. Someday one of the bigger bedrooms would be hers and she’d pick her own colors and bedding. There would be magazine posters on the walls of her favorite bands and actors and Sidney would cringe when she started closing the door to have her privacy.

It was strange how one room being decorated, the one that had stood empty for months, had such an impact on the way I saw the whole house. I’d always pictured our family growing in the house; I’d had those visions since the first time Sidney had taken me on a tour. But that had all felt very far away more like a dream than a true possibility. But having the walls painted and the closet full made our future in the house very real.

“Still no name?”

I chuckled.

“We’re going to keep her first name a secret when we do figure it out.”

“Troy told me about the middle name. I like it. Linda would have been over the moon about it.”

I couldn’t help but smile. Sidney and I had talked about her the night before when the house was quiet and we were both attempting to get some rest. He’d said something very similar, that she would have been incredibly happy.

While his father had focused on Sidney’s career and the amount of dedication his son had to hockey, other members of the family had worried. Sidney had realized it, but he tried not to give it much attention in part because he worried too.

He’d never seemed like he was on the path to find the person he wanted to spend his life with. His mother and his grandmothers worried that he’d end up alone. They would have been fine with that if they thought he would be happy, but they knew that he wouldn’t be. He was too certain that he wanted to be married and have a family of his own. But they’d wondered if he would have that.

Linda was one of few people who ever had the guts to mention it to him.

She was sweet, but she didn’t pull punches. Just months before we met she’d asked him if there was anyone in his life and had been visibly disappointed when he said that there wasn’t. He’d never told me up until that point, but it explained why she’d been so happy to meet me.

“She would have loved you no matter what,” he said as he rubbed my back slowly. “But she was relieved that there was a good woman in my life and she’d be ecstatic to see us together like this.”

He was right in saying so. She would have been incredibly happy to see her grandson get married and start a family of his own.

“I wish she could see it,” I said as Trina glanced at the books on the shelves in the room.

She looked over her shoulder at me. “She’s watching. She loved nothing more than her family and her grandkids were the light of her life. Especially Sidney and it had nothing to do with what he’d done with his life. She was proud of him because he’s such a good man. I think she’s keeping a close eye, making sure he treats you well and that you love him in the way she was sure you did.

“She’s proud. I know she is.”

“I hope so.”

We spent the rest of the day quietly. Trina made dinner and I helped, when my limited wingspan allowed it. Mostly I sat at the table with the men of the family as Trina repeated over and over that I needed to rest and that she had it all under control.

It felt strange watching someone else cook in my kitchen. But it didn’t feel like an invasion. It was just odd watching her do the work and not being welcome to help. I felt a bit like a visitor in my own house as she took over the task.

I listened as Sidney and Troy talked hockey. It was unlikely they would talk about much else as the evening wore on. There was a game to watch and they spent their time analyzing it while Trina and I simply watched the game.

Troy would point out places where the goalie was weak.

“Stick side, high,” Troy murmured. “That’s where you want to shoot.”

Sid nodded and watched with rapt attention. I was actually glad to see him so focused away from the rink. He glanced towards me and scowled.

“What are you doing?” he asked, looking down at my feet.

I’d spent the past twenty minutes rolling my feet on one of Sam’s tennis balls. It wasn’t like she’d miss it, she had another right by her feet as she napped on the rug nearby. My feet had been hurting and it felt a bit like a foot massage.

“Rubbing my feet,” I said with a shrug.

“That’s ridiculous.”

“My feet hurt,” I defended.

“That’s not what I meant,” he muttered in reply.

I waited for him to say more but instead he wagged his fingers at me and patted his thighs.

“Scooch and put your feet up here.”

“You’re watching the game.”

“I can multitask. Come on.” He patted his lap once more and I was reminded by a quick glance from my mother in law to let him dote.

I scooted away from him on the couch towards the corner, stacking a few pillows to lean against before managing, with a little help from him, to get my feet up onto the sofa and on his thighs. He turned slightly, his eyes still on the screen and dug his fingers into the arch of my left foot. Rolling my foot around on a tennis ball paled in comparison as he broke up the tension in my widening feet.

I struggled to keep my head from falling back against the pillows, biting my lip and reminding myself that his parents were in the room and they had no need to know what his hands did to any part of my body. I tried instead to focus on the screen as well as the Sharks routed the Kings in their second win of four games.

Sidney wasn’t willing to guess which team they would face off against when the time came. He was more interested in getting through game five of their own series and trying to win at home. They were in it to win everything, they weren’t going to settle for falling apart the way they had the year before. They wanted to be back in the place they’d been five years earlier. It was time to reclaim the cup.

He moved over to my right foot and Troy headed off to bed as Trina flipped through channels. She’d glance towards us every few minutes and smile softly. I found myself wondering what she was thinking about as Sidney squeezed my feet lightly and slid out from under me. He too was headed off to bed. He’d be the first one at the rink the next morning for their morning skate and he wanted to be rested. It never hurt if he got a little sleep before I went to bed and kept him awake.

Trina was still smiling softly as I heard the movement of Sidney above us.

“What are you grinning about?” I asked playfully.

“It’s just that sometimes I’m astounded he turned out the way he did.”

“You raised him.”

“And then he left home at fifteen. We did our best but he was never really a normal teenager. He didn’t stay home until it was time for college. We really only saw him in the summers from a time before he was even old enough to drive. I hoped that we instilled everything in him we needed to, but you can’t be sure until you watch them grow up of how well you did.”

“You did well,” I confirmed. “If there was ever a doubt in your mind, there shouldn’t be. Sidney is a great husband and I owe that to you.”

She smiled broadly, clearly pleased. I wasn’t sure why we’d never spoken about it before. I’d felt comfortable with Trina since the day we’d met, but it had never come up. I’d never really thanked her for the man that she’d raised so well.

I’d never thanked her for raising him to hold doors open or pull out chairs. I’d never thanked her for teaching him not to stomp through the house in dirty shoes or drink orange juice straight out of the carton. There was a lot that I hadn’t thought to thank her for. And that was a shame. But it was clear that she understood.

“I’m lucky to have him,” I added.

She shook her head. “I think he’s lucky to have you.”

We were both lucky, she knew that was the case. We were lucky to have found our footing and built our relationship into something that the stress of things no longer threatened. We were lucky to have each other to keep each other on our toes and at our best.

“Are you okay with Taylor staying with you during the finals?” she asked after a moment.

“It will be nice not to be alone,” I said with a fervent nod. “It’s never bad to have someone to watch the away games with.”