All That Matters

The summer was setting records for an over-abundance of heat and a complete lack of rain. It was a very different climate than we’d enjoyed the summer before.

The nursery was finished but I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it.

The cool water of the lake couldn’t even cool me down because our new arrival was officially late.

Twelve days late.

Twelve agonizing days.

Sidney was doing all that he could not to push my buttons. The last thing he wanted to do was set me off but he was determined to keep a close eye on me. It was a difficult balance for him to find and I applauded him for his effort.

“You gonna come out to the dock for a while?” he asked. “Get some fresh air before it gets too hot?”

I was tempted to say no, to strip down to my skivvies and stand in front of the A/C unit until our daughter decided she was ready to make her appearance. But it did me no good to sit in the house by myself. It wouldn’t make things move along. I would be better off enjoying part of the day with Sid and Sammy out on the dock.

“I’ll put my suit on and be out in a few minutes.”

He smiled and headed out back with the lab on his heels.

The suit in question was a swimsuit that fit me well when I wasn’t pregnant. It had been Sidney’s favorite when we’d spent time together at the house the summer that we met. It had remained as such the summer we married. I owned several, but that suit always won.

I’d been surprised to find that when we got back to Nova Scotia, the garment still covered the more private parts of my anatomy. It pulled tight in a few places, especially across the chest, but the strain wasn’t too terrible. I wouldn’t wear it to a pool party, but out on the private dock it remained the perfect choice.

And it was still Sidney’s favorite.

The water was high enough that when I managed to sit at the edge of the dock, my feet were emerged in the cool water. It felt refreshing as Sidney spread sunscreen on my back and then went back to fishing.

“So, when do I have to haul you to the hospital?”

His words were quiet as he cast his line out into the lake.

We hadn’t talked much about the coming days. I was nervous enough about giving birth the way it was and the fact that she seemed unwilling to make her appearance on her own was starting to eat away at my limited sense of calm. No number of birthing classes could fix that for me. But now with the added threat of needing to be induced, my nerves were frayed considerably.

I didn’t want to think about it and Sidney seemed to be fully aware that I felt that way. He didn’t want to push the subject when he knew that I wasn’t fully receptive, but not talking did us no good. We both knew that.

“Tomorrow night,” I replied as I slowly kicked my legs, the water flowing between my toes. “If nothing happens before that, they’ll start the process at like eight or nine.”

He reeled in his line and sat down next to me. I released a heavy breath as he pulled me against his side. He felt cool compared to the sunlight that was reflecting off the lake.

His hand landed on my hip; pulling me close.

“It’s all going to work out just fine. I know it scares you but the doctor says this happens a lot didn’t she? Especially with the first one?”

I nodded. “Over twenty percent.”

“You and the baby are in good hands. It’s not a big deal.”

“I know, but it still scares the hell out of me. What if something’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong. You saw the doctor yesterday. Adia is still perfectly healthy. She’s still active and just where she needs to be. She’s just stubborn and needs a little help getting started. She’s a lot like her parents.”

“But—“

“Stop. Stop fretting. You’ve gnawed off all of your fingernails and I’ve seen you in her room obsessively unfolding and refolding all of her clothes. Stress isn’t going to help.”

He was right about everything. It was normal. I needed to stop worrying. If I went into labor before we left for the hospital that would be fine. If I didn’t and she needed a little motivation, that would be okay too. We’d get through it and like Sidney said, there weren’t concerns she was just stubborn.

“Maybe we should go through that list she gave us again,” he suggested.

The list was a selection of ways to possibly bring on labor. By the time we’d left the appointment the day before, I was ready to try just about anything. There was a tea that could help; and hadn’t. I’d gone on several brisk walks. I’d eaten spicy food. None of it worked.

Her number one suggestion, much to Sidney’s delight, had been sex. She laid it out for us and it made perfect sense. It had the potential to work for us.

It didn’t.

And we’d tried more than once.

“You just want to have sex with me again before she obliterates my lady business.”

He laughed openly for a moment and then quieted. “Would you like to know a secret, Bronwyn?”

“I know all of your secrets, Sidney.”

“Not all.”

“I’m all ears.”

“Prepare to be shocked and amazed.”

“No, I think I’ll just listen,” I deadpanned.

“The secret is, appalling as it may seem, I pretty much always want to have sex with you. I thought it might fade but it’s been about two years now and I just can’t get enough.”

He kissed me on the temple and I felt my cheeks grow flush.

“So, if it helps the process along, I’m all for it.”

“But you just said you’re always all for it.”

“True, but this is for the greater good.”

“Maybe later,” I said softly. “But for now I’m going to go take a nap.”

“I’ll be out here,” he said as he helped me to my feet.

“I’ll be somewhere in the pillow nest.”

“I’ll never find you in that mess.”

“Sammy will come sniff me out.”

She would too. The eight year old lab seemed to know that something was up. She loved following my husband wherever he went but she was becoming hesitant to let me out of her sight. She stood on the dock between us as I turned towards the house.

“Well, go with her,” Sid said with a smile in his voice. “I don’t need your protection; guard your mom and your sister.”

Sam followed me quickly, still prancing with the gait of a puppy.

She settled at the foot of the bed, her head on my feet. I curled up against my favorite pillow and let the cool air blowing across the room lull me to sleep.

I felt the bed sink from the two-hundred-plus pounds of his frame lowered onto his side of the bed.

I groaned and felt him gently nudge a curl out of my face.

“Sorry to wake you,” he murmured.

“How long have I been asleep?”

“You came in the house about three hours ago.”

“Three hours?”

“I think you really needed some rest. I only came in to see if you’re still up for dinner with Taylor, Mom, and Dad.”

He was lying on his side, his soft golden-brown eyes hiding behind long lashes. He was looking at me with the same soft expression that had taken up almost permanent residence on his features. His fingers were welcome as they ran through my hair.

“They’re coming over with the food pretty soon and I just wanted to make sure you’re feeling good enough for it. I’ll call and cancel if you aren’t.”

“It’s fine.”

“You’re sure?”

“They’re providing dinner, how could I say no?”

He chuckled and leaned in for a kiss. “Anyone could deliver some food.”

“Yes, but we’d have to pay for it.”

“But then they’d leave.”

“But there isn’t a restaurant in Halifax that fries a chicken like Trina Crosby.”

“You have a pretty good point there.”

He went off to set the table as I extricated myself from the blankets and pillows. Sam watched me from her place on the bed, head on her paws as she watched me pull a comfortable dress down over my curves. I called her as I waddled out of the room and she was quick to follow.

He was waiting in the kitchen, leaned against the counter. His arms were crossed against his chest.

I loved the way his skin glowed bronze in the summer months. It was proof that he spent more time outside on the beach or on the dock than he did locked away in the rink. The sunlight was good for him. It elevated his mood in the same way it deepened his tan.

I stretched, feeling my spine attempting to realign. It was a futile attempt; nothing was going to go back to where it belonged until I was no longer pregnant. Even then I would be lucky if everything went back to normal.

“Did you get a good nap?”

“I had no idea I slept so long,” I murmured.

“I’m glad you did. You haven’t slept well in months.”

He was right about that. Pregnancy had been hell on my sleep. I was always uncomfortable and always had to be up at least a few times in the night. But all of those trips to the bathroom, all the fidgeting and readjusting of pillows was terrible for Sidney’s ability to get solid rest as well.

“Sorry I’ve been keeping you up.”

“That’s not even a little of what I was getting at.”

“I still feel bad, babe.”

He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me. I relaxed into his embrace.

“You shouldn’t feel bad, not even a little bit. You’re pregnant with my baby. Our baby. I just feel bad that you don’t get any solid rest. I love feeling her move and knowing she’s there and she’s real. It doesn’t bother me a bit. I nap every afternoon, even if I don’t do it at home I can get some rest at the rink. Besides, when I’m on the road, I think I sleep too much just to miss you less.

“I know you could go without her kneeing you in the bladder in the middle of the night, but for me those late night bathroom runs and leg cramps mean she’s an actual living person.”

“And the picture in your wallet isn’t proof of that?”

“It is, but it’s not the same for me as it is for you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked; my words muffled as I spoke into his chest.

“You have a connection with her that I never could. I can talk to her and feel her move, but you can tell when she’s napping or has the hiccups. I’ve watched her grow, but you’ve felt it because she is literally a part of you. She’s connected to you.

“No matter how many children we have, they will never rely on me for their survival for forty weeks of gestation.”

“Or forty-two.”

“Or forty-two.”

“I’ve never thought of it that way,” I admitted.

“I know, but it’s the way that I think about it. Every day. Don’t get me wrong, I love her as much as I love her incubator, but I won’t be able to bond with her until she’s here.”

“Which we hope will be within the next twenty-four hours. So I don’t have to be induced.”

“We do hope so. And we’ll see what we can do about getting things jump-started tonight.”

He kissed me on the forehead just as the doorbell sounded and Sam went running for the door.

“Dinner,” he said with a grin. “Maybe you should just smother everything with hot sauce.”

“If the selection of curries last night didn’t get things rolling, I don’t think hot sauce will.”

“Anything is worth a shot to get her out of there,” he leaned down towards my belly button, hands falling to the sides of my abdomen. “Come out of there, Adia Lynn. Your mommy is starting to worry. And she hasn’t seen her toes in a very long time.”

I laughed as I felt her shift just slightly.

“Go open the door, you nerd.”

He was smiling brightly. “I haven’t heard you laugh like that in at least a week. It’s nice. I’ve missed that sound.”

He was still smiling when he opened the door to let his family inside.

Troy ushered the girls in first, all of them weighed down with bags of food.

“Christ, Mom, how much did you cook?”

“She went a little overboard,” Troy said quietly as he dropped his bag off on the kitchen counter.

“I made a few things you two can heat up over the next couple of weeks. There’s a lot to choose from and it can all go in the freezer if you’d like. I’ll stop by and drop a few other things off later.”

“You don’t have to do that, Trina,” I insisted.

“But I want to. So hush.”

“I can cook, Mom,” Sidney argued.

She laughed and began loading pans into our freezer and refrigerator. “Your wife needs real meals while she’s settling into being a mom. She needs plenty of nutrients so that the baby gets all the good stuff when she eats too. You can’t be feeding her burnt potpies and canned soup. I’ll do the cooking. Your job is to make sure Bronwyn gets as much rest as humanly possible with a newborn in this house.”

She was stern, reminding him of the man they’d raised him to be without saying it directly.

He sent her a soft smile, “I’m gonna do my best.”

“And I’ll do the cooking,” she repeated with a hand placed softly upon his cheek.

“I’ll help,” Taylor piped up.

“Food, Tay. Not poison.”

“Don’t start,” Troy warned.

His tone was the one that fathers used to remind their children that they had put them on the earth and could easily take them off of it. I tried to imagine Sidney taking on that same stern tone, but I failed.

Trina ushered me towards the kitchen table. “Get off your feet for a while, sweetie.”

“I’m fine. Really. Besides, the doctor says that moving around and being on my feet can help her get on her way and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get labor started.”

“Not right now. I will not allow you to give birth during one of our last family dinners of the summer. After we eat you can do whatever you want, until then, you sit.”

“They’re having a baby, not hopping the next flight back to Pittsburgh,” Taylor muttered.

“And we’re going to give them the space they need in order to settle in. Too many people let their lives be overrun by family and friends when they really need to be together and bond.”

“Trina has a point,” Troy said. “That first week with Sidney was like hell. People in and out of the house all the time. I don’t think we had a moment alone until the end of the week. And at that time, they stayed in the hospital for the first three or four days.”

“Wait,” Taylor interjected. “What about me? Weren’t there a bunch of people there for me too?”

“Not really,” Sid said with a shrug. “You weren’t as special.”

“Shut up!”

“What your brother means is that the first born is always kind of a novelty. People don’t get as excited as you run down the line,” Trina said. She patted her daughter on the hand as she sat down at the table. “But you were equally exciting for us.”

“Fine, lie to her,” Sidney kidded.

Troy rolled his eyes. “So if he’d like, when Chuck gets here, he’s more than welcome to stay in Cole Harbour with us.”

“We’ll tell him,” Sidney replied. “He’d have more room to breathe with the guest room no longer functioning as such.”

“Did you get it all finished?” Trina asked.

“I think so,” I replied. I finally gave in and took a seat at the table.

Troy joined me at the table.

“It’s done,” Sidney said. “She’s just worried and keeps convincing herself that something is missing or that we forgot to do something back in Pittsburgh and that room won’t be truly ready when we get back home.”

“You’re going to be super disappointed in yourself if I’m right.”

“You aren’t right, you’re wrong. Besides, I’ve gone over the checklist too. We’re ready. Linens are clean and the diapers are stocked. The hospital bag is ready to go and sitting by the door waiting to go. The carseat is secure. We’re as ready to bring her home as we’re going to be.”

He stepped up behind me and squeezed my shoulders.

“You never know,” I argued.

I head him sigh. “But I do know. Now, relax and enjoy your dinner.”

He helped his mother cover the small table with dishes of chicken and potatoes. There was salad and any number of sides. She’d gone all out and I was glad we’d decided not to cancel. I would have hated for her work to go to waste.

My aversion to poultry had faded months earlier as long as I didn’t have to smell it cooking.

Sidney sat down to my right and for the first time since his grandmother had passed, Trina insisted upon saying Grace before we ate.

Sidney and I were more the type to sit down and dig in and generally his whole family was the same way. It was only on special occasions that that changed. But we weren’t at all above allowing Trina to say a few words before we enjoyed the meal she’d cooked for us.

We bowed our heads and Sidney took my hand in his. I reached across the table to find Troy’s hand waiting for mine.

“Lord, we ask you today to bless this table, not just the food upon it but those seated around it. I ask that you keep watch over my children and keep a close eye on my granddaughter as she prepares to enter this world.”

Sidney’s hand tightened around mine as she uttered those words. It dawned on me why she wanted to say Grace when she so seldom did.

“In Jesus name we pray. Amen.”

“Amen,” rose in a murmur around the table.

“You’re kind of a sap, Mom,” Taylor teased from her seat between her parents as we let go of one another’s hands.

“Oh quit it,” Trina responded.

I too was kind of a sap. I could feel the tears clinging to my eyelashes. Sidney’s hand travelled to the small of my back. The solid pressure there, the proof of his concrete presence next to me, didn’t really help matters. I was feeling a bit too emotional to handle much sap.

“You okay?” he whispered in my ear.

I nodded softly. It was the sweetness of the words she’d spoken that hit me more than anything else. It wasn’t like it came as a surprise. She’d been the same sweet woman in all the time that she’d been a part of my life. Her heart was her finest feature and that had shown since the first meal we’d shared in their home two years earlier.

It didn’t help the way Troy held my hand; firm and assured. It was such a departure from the man that I’d met initially. That man had looked at me with something that bordered on disgust the first time we met and the growth in him since we’d first met was nothing short of astonishing to me. I’d once wondered if we’d ever be able to be civil to one another but we were well past that.

The fact was we had something very important in common and if nothing else, that had to keep us together in some way. We both wanted what was best for Sidney and what was best for the entire Crosby family. That was plenty.

“So if she decides she doesn’t want to come out of there, what happens?” Taylor asked as she dug into her dinner.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Sidney said with a roll of his eyes. It didn’t stop him from going on to answer the question she’d asked. “They’ll induce Wyn tomorrow if nothing happens before then.”

“What should happen?”

“She should go into labor. If she doesn’t, they’ll just urge the process along.”

“How?”

He looked around the table. “Some of that isn’t pleasant dinner conversation.”

“It’s also a tad personal,” I added.

“Essentially, there are a few things that they will attempt manually. If those don’t work, they’ll start an IV medication that should make the contractions start.”

“How do you even know that?” Troy asked.

“He’s been reading the books,” I replied.

Trina too seemed interested in his seemingly detailed awareness of the process. “Which books?”

“All of them,” I said with a soft smile. “You know how he is about being prepared. He’d hate to go in blind.”

“You never know when you might need the information in those books,” he defended quietly.

Trina sent me a soft smile as Taylor quieted. She’d spent a solid portion of the summer with us at the lake. She’d work out with her brother during the first half of the day and spend the rest just hanging out with us. She’d swim and jet ski or fish off of the dock. But more than anything it served as time for them to bond before she went off to college.

It didn’t hurt my relationship with her either, but I was glad to see him spending as much time with his sister as he could. Their rivalry and teasing ways remained, but they were able to stay close even though both had so much coming up in their lives.

Taylor would be off to college at the end of the summer and she’d be dealing with the demands of an NCAA Division I schedule. She’d also have to keep up with her studies and eventually decide what she wanted to major in. She’d have a lot on her plate.

And Sidney was in much the same position. He too would have to find a new form of balance. He’d be returning to his team, hungry to defend a title, as the father of a newborn. There’d be an adjustment period and texting his sister probably wouldn’t be high on his priority list for a while. They needed to spend as much time together as they could.

“You still up for coming out to keep an eye on Sam while Wyn and the baby are in the hospital?” Sidney asked as he took a bite of his chicken.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” she scolded playfully. “Yeah. It would be so much easier with a car though.”

“You don’t need a car,” Troy responded.

“You can’t even have one at school as a freshman, Taylor,” Trina added.

Sidney didn’t even give her plea the time of day. Though we had talked about it. He wanted to get a different SUV than the one he’d been driving in Nova Scotia for the previous ten summers. It was a nice Tahoe and would handle fine for her in the winter. But car shopping wasn’t on our radar. I knew he’d go through with it eventually, hand it down to her and get something new. But she didn’t need to know that. Just like he’d managed to hand his old Land Rover off to me.

“I’ll come out and keep an eye on her. Don’t get mad if I eat one of Mom’s casseroles though. There’s a tuna one that smells amazing.”

“Taylor, those are for Sid and Wyn,” Trina scolded.

“She can eat the casserole, Mom. She just can’t burn my house down.”

“I’m not the pyro in this family.”

I scowled and looked between them. “Pyro?”

“Here we go,” Troy muttered.

“It was an innocent childhood mistake,” Sidney insisted.

“What was?”

“It was murder,” Taylor countered.

“You can’t murder something that isn’t alive.”

“Murder.”

“What the hell are you two idiots going on about?”

“Sidney set one of my dolls on fire.”

“Honey!”

“No, that’s not how it happened. It’s not like I took a match to the stupid thing.”

“Her name was Lucy and it was much worse than just taking a match to her. It was a slow death.”

“Taylor, it was a doll,” Trina groaned.

“You were the one who wanted to see if Lucy could fly.”

“You were older than me, you knew better.”

“I was scientifically minded. I thought it was worth a shot.”

“Really, Sidney? Scientifically minded?” I asked.

“You didn’t know me when I was twelve.”

“No, but I know you now. And I can smell your bullshit a mile away.”

“Fine, it was a mean thing to do.”

“It was mean,” I confirmed. “But what did you do exactly?”

“Some of my hockey friends were a bit older and a few of the guys had some fireworks one summer. It didn’t seem like a big deal. Now that I know the laws, it may have been slightly illegal. But Tay wanted to know if Lucy would fly. So we duct taped the doll to the rocket and lit it up.

“She did fly. But she was also a little flammable.”

“A little? She lit up like a roman candle.”

“That may have been what we taped her to.”

“She landed a molten pile of plastic and polyester. The smell was awful. I made Mom let me wrap her in bandages to see if she’d heal.”

“She didn’t. She’s a doll.”

“I was four.”

“So you learned your lesson.”

Taylor glared across the table.

“Fine, I was old enough to know better. I just ask that you not burn my house down as retribution because my wife and child need a place to live.”

“I won’t burn down the house, but only because I love Bronwyn and Taylor Two.”

“We aren’t naming the baby after you.”

“Where do you keep the matches?”

“Kids,” Troy said quickly. “Happy, enjoyable, family dinner.”

“The stress could put Wyn into labor,” Trina added.

“Good!” I enthused. “Continue! Fight to the death if you must.”

Troy laughed softly.

“She’s not even kidding, Dad,” Sidney said with a sigh.

“Not really, I’m pretty miserable.”

“Is it something where I could like scare her out of you?” Taylor asked. “I could sneak up on you and shout ‘Boo!’ and then maybe you’d go into labor.”

“You’d probably just make her pee,” Sid responded.

“I’d definitely pee. There’s no question about that.”

“But wouldn’t peeing your pants be worth it if it worked? No one could tell after your water broke anyway.”

“Not at the dinner table,” Trina groaned.

“Sorry,” we all murmured in unison.

“I’m just ready to be done being a thousand months pregnant,” I added.

“Trust me, I remember,” Trina said. “Sidney may be almost twenty-seven, but I remember it like it was yesterday. He was about ten days late and he wasn’t a small baby either.”

“What about me?” Taylor asked.

“You were born on the day before you were due.”

“I made an entrance,” her brother said with a grin.

“That may be,” Troy interjected, “but your sister was a much easier baby.”

“What?” Sid asked, looking shocked. Taylor was beaming triumphantly. “You always said I was a great baby.”

“Meh.”

“Meh?”

“You never slept, you rarely went a month without an ear infection, and you had colic. You screamed for the entirety of your first six months.”

“I win!” Taylor sing-songed.

“Always a competition with you two,” Trina sighed.

“You say that like you’re surprised, Trina,” Troy said as he helped himself to another serving of nearly everything on the table.

“I wish I could say it was surprising, but this is how it will always be.”

She was right. Her children were stubborn and competitive. With them, there was always something to be won or lost and neither liked losing. But I’d grown used to it and I didn’t mind their little battles so long as they stayed close.

I would have felt differently if the competition put a wedge between them, but their squabbles never seemed to do that. It actually seemed to be the opposite way entirely. It seemed as though their little contests had a way of bonding them together.

It was something I would never understand.

But as well as I knew the two of the, I couldn’t help but notice that there were a lot of things about both of them that I was unlikely to ever truly understand.

I found myself curious, wondering if our daughter would be competitive like her father and aunt or if she would be more passive like me.

I hoped that she was a mix of the two. I wanted her to have the edge that Sidney and Taylor did. There was a certain confidence that they both carried that came from competing at the level they did. But they were still unlikely to ruffle feathers. Still they were better at asserting themselves than I was and I hoped that our little girl would somehow manage to be just soft enough. I didn’t want her to be a doormat.

In that way I didn’t want her to be like me at all.

I was stuffed to the brim, too full to move by the time I managed to push my plate away. I lowered my head to the side, dropping my temple against Sidney’s shoulder as he continued to eat. He lowered his head against mine, our fingers intertwined under the table in the way they so often were. He wiped his free hand on the napkin in his lap, pushing his dinner away as well.

“Thanks for dinner, Trina.”

“Of course.”

“And for all of the future dinners.”

She smiled. “Anything for you guys.”

Taylor huffed with a roll of her eyes.

“Stop it. I cook you three meals a day and then some when you’re home.”

“You’d cook more if I was giving you a grandchild.”

“No she wouldn’t,” Sidney said quickly. “But she’d be a hell of a lot more likely to drown you in the lake.”

“Mom wouldn’t drown me.”

“No, but I would be horribly disappointed if you were to threaten your future in hockey and academia at the age of eighteen.”

“Disappointed? Can I opt into the drowning?”

“Your dad would probably do it while he was drowning the guy that got you pregnant,” I suggested.

Troy nodded slowly, a full response given without a word.

“I’d help,” Sidney chimed in.

“You really are a murderer,” I joked.

“Oh my God, it was a fucking off-brand Barbie doll not a human being!”

“Sidney,” Trina and I admonished. “Language.”