All That Matters

By the time I got to my hometown to celebrate Thanksgiving with my father I had seen more of Troy Crosby than I could take. Sidney was working on getting him to spend more time in Minnesota or simply at home in Nova Scotia, but he was resistant to the idea. Though I hadn’t known it was possible, Troy was more set in his ways than his son. At least his visits were shorter and none had been a surprise since we’d had our conversation over a tense lunch back in Pittsburgh. He knew that I wouldn’t stand for it and Sidney was growing wiser as well.

He seemed to have gotten the memo and Sidney was doing a good job of enforcing the new rules we were living by. It made things easier for us, allowing our arguments to be limited to those that were simply the result of the tense moments that seemed to happen early in marriage. We were still learning each other and seeing less of Troy helped.

But I was actually glad to return to Minnesota. I’d expected to feel sad as I flew out of Pittsburgh, but that wasn’t the case. I loved the city very much and missed Sidney terribly the second he was out of my sight. But I was still more than happy to see my father when he picked me up in the Twin Cities. Cannon Falls wasn’t my favorite place and it wasn’t my home, but seeing my father’s smile when he picked me up at the airport made the trip worthwhile. Suffering through a few days in the town where I was raised seemed a small price to pay.

My mood wasn’t hurt by the fact that he wasn’t alone in the car when I exited the sliding doors at arrivals.

I was pleasantly surprised to see the dimpled smile of my sister-in-law beaming at me from the back seat when I settled in the Cadillac that my father prized. He didn’t drive it often, he preferred the old truck he’d had since college, but my mother would never hear of arriving at a hospital event in that truck. He was lucky if he could have gotten her to climb into it without her complaining for the entire time she was forced to sit in it.

Personally, I loved that old junker. Sadly I’d never let him teach me to drive stick and I couldn’t drive the damn thing if my life depended on it.

“Brought the snazzy car, huh?”

He chuckled. “Didn’t think I’d be able to fit both of you and the luggage into that old thing. Besides, she’s not a fan of highways.”

She didn’t like to go much over forty and even that sounded like a strain on her system. She was better for in-town driving and fishing trips. My dad always took back roads up to my Grandparent’s cabin when I was a kid and not much had changed about those habits. He could turn a two-hour drive into a five-hour road trip during which time you never passed a single town with more than a gas pump or small truck stop.

Taylor looked like she was ready to burst as she grinned at me from the back seat. It turned out that her school schedule was slight over the holiday, the dorms closed until the beginning of December, but she didn’t plan on heading home until her winter break. So, after a long discussion between her parents and my father, it was decided that she would spend it with us in Cannon Falls. We’d take her back to school when the dorms reopened at the beginning of December and then I would head back to Pittsburgh as scheduled.

I hadn’t known that she’d been sleeping in my childhood bedroom since the previous week. But it was a nice surprise.

I wasn’t feeling well, a little nauseous after a turbulent flight, but I thought nothing of it. Taylor’s smile, so much like her brother’s, brought me out of my funk and pulled a smile out of me. Her presence distracted me from the way I was feeling and I was able to focus just on feeling welcomed home by two of my favorite people in the world.

“It’s like a sleepover,” Taylor said as we settled into my childhood bedroom.

My father had pulled an old rollaway bed into the room so we could share the space and she seemed more than happy with the arrangement. Knowing the life she lived and focus she placed on her sport, I doubted she’d had anything remotely like a sleepover in nearly a decade. I was perfectly happy to go along for the ride with her on that.

She glanced around my room as I cleared out my suitcase and settled my things where I felt they belonged. I unloaded the book I’d been reading on the plane onto the table next to my bed and plugged my phone into the charger as she bounced up and down at the end of my bed.

She was looking at the old pictures that surrounded my vanity mirror, most of them pictures of me and Sebastian together. I was sure she’d had plenty of time to investigate and make herself familiar, but it had to be strange sharing the room with the twenty-something version of the teenage owner of the space.

I flashed back to the moments that Sidney had spent in my room over the trip we made during the lockout. He’d said that he couldn’t imagine me, or at least the Bronwyn he knew, being the owner of that space. I couldn’t tell if his sister felt the same way or if her vision of me somehow differed from that of her brother.

“I’ve never decorated my room like this,” she murmured in a voice that sounded a little sad.

I sat next to her, spinning the rings on my left hand. “Have you ever wanted to?”

She shrugged. “I’ve never really thought about it.”

“Well, think about it this way; I never had an outlet aside from art so that’s the way I expressed myself in my living space. I spent most of my time in here and I plastered the walls with things that inspired me and made me feel at home. You’ve got hockey. You throw everything into your sport. You use your room to sleep and study at the most. I lived in this room like you live at the rink. My walls are like your goalie mask.”

She smiled. “I do have a picture of me and Sid on my nightstand.”

“And he inspires you, so there you go.”

I nudged her shoulder and led her down to the living room where my father was in the process of ordering pizza and trying to find the game amongst the thousand or so channels Sid had insisted we purchase for my father’s birthday over the summer. I took the remote and found the game quickly as we all settled in for the evening.

We watched together, silent some of the time, talkative at other points. It was comfortable and the sound of the game eventually lulled me to sleep as I lounged against the front of the sofa, curled up with a couple of pillows and blanket on the living room floor. I hadn’t made it through the third period and I woke a few hours later, making a mad dash for the bathroom on the second floor.

The nausea was better almost immediately and I hoped I was over whatever bug had been making feel less than stellar off and on for the previous eighteen hours.

“You okay?” Taylor asked as I wandered into my bedroom.

“Shouldn’t you be asleep by now?” I asked as I changed into my pajamas and collapsed into bed.

“I was, but I could hear you ralphing all the way from here.”

“I’m fine. Just a bug or something.”

“You’ve been sick a lot lately.”

“Twice. And for your information, Doctor Crosby, I’ve been going through a lot of changes and stress. I’m probably just a little more susceptible than usual.”

“And by “stress” you mean my dad, right?”

I scoffed, but she wasn’t that far off base. He had the ability to drive me crazy and I’d been sitting through games with him more often than I would have preferred. Aside from that, Sidney was still publicly playing the mystery card when it came to us and the secrecy just didn’t help matters. I’d just been trying to focus on other things.

“They won, by the way.”

I smiled.

“And your hubby called me when you didn’t answer your phone last night. He says he loves you but I refused to give you a kiss for him. There is a line that I will not cross.”

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Your phone screaming some weird pop song while it was next to you on the floor didn’t wake you up, I figured you were pretty far gone. I just turned it to vibrate and let you sleep. Besides, big brother’s orders. He said he thought you could use the rest.”

“Thoughtful.”

“I think he was just tired. Crazy game and they fly to Florida after practice tomorrow.”

She knew his schedule about as well as I did.

“What do you mean by crazy?” I asked.

“I recorded it as soon as I realized you were asleep. Your dad didn’t make it through either. You can watch the rest tomorrow while the turkey is roasting or something. We won’t be cooking all day.”

“We?”

“I figured helping with the meal was the least I could do for you and your dad. Letting me stay here…” she trailed off.

“You’re family, kiddo. You’re always welcome. Besides, I didn’t even know you were going to be here.”

It had been her idea to surprise, though I had a feeling Sidney had been in on it as well. He’d probably assumed that I could use the company of a Crosby that wasn’t his father and Thanksgiving when we both had the time seemed like the perfect way to do it.

She sighed. “I hope my in-laws are like your dad.”

“Why?”

“Because I think everyone wants to be accepted by the family of their spouse. It’s just that not everyone gets that lucky. Your dad loves Sid and he’s been awesome to me. He’s already been to a few of my games like it’s no big deal. I just hope that the family of whoever I marry is like that.”

“You think about this a lot?”

“Only a little. And I can’t exactly talk to Dad about it. He’d freak out, thinking my head wasn’t in the game or at least on school. Mom would be weird about it, uncomfortable because she thinks I’m way too young to worry about that part of my future. Sid won’t talk about it because he doesn’t like to admit that I’m not a baby anymore. The fact that I’m almost eighteen isn’t reality to him and he certainly can’t imagine that I would ever think about boys.”

“It’s hard for him to see you growing up so much. He feels like he’s missed a lot with you. He knows you aren’t a little girl anymore; he just struggles with the idea of you already being an adult. He just isn’t ready for it. I don’t think any big brother ever really is. You were so young when he went to Shattuck and then he only really saw you in the summers. It makes it harder for him to really believe how grown up you are.

“He’s certainly proud of the young woman you’ve become. He sings your praises whenever he can and he realizes that you’re almost ready to head off to college and have so much going for you in your future, he just doesn’t like to dwell because he misses you being little and easy to look after.”

She was quiet for a moment. “Do you guys talk about things like that?”

“Like his feelings about his baby sister nearly being an adult?”

“Yeah.”

“We do. We talk about everything really. Sometimes, it’s hard to shut him up once he gets started. But really, our conversations are what keep us close, especially when we aren’t in the same place. The only fights we’ve ever really had have started because we weren’t talking about something. If we withhold things from each other, it gets us into trouble. Even if it’s just one of us not being fully honest about our feelings.”

It was a deep conversation for the middle of the night with my younger sister-in-law; even more so given the fact that I’d just thrown up my dinner and would be preparing a holiday meal within a few hours. It was late and I was tired.

But Taylor was much like her brother. They were both deep thinkers, more than anyone would likely ever give them credit for. But both were expected to abide by a very strict filter most of the time. It was rare that they could delve into such conversations, and I was glad to be of service even if I was exhausted.

“What brings all this up?”

“I’m in my last year of high school and I’m not certain of what’s coming next for me. It was different for Sid. It was all spelled out for him, but it isn’t for me. I have plenty of goals and dreams, but I have no idea how far those will take me. I don’t know how long my career will be or where I’ll go from there and I find myself trying to see beyond my life as an athlete.

“I spend half my time trying to figure out what I want to study when college rolls around. Then I just start to wonder where I’ll be and what I’ll be doing and who I’ll be with. I don’t even know if I want to get married or have kids. I thought I had it all figured out when I was younger but now I’m clueless. I just have no idea.”

“You want to know when I figured it all out?”

“Yes.” Her reply was enthusiastic.

“When I realized that I didn’t want to live my life without your brother in it. Not until then. I had passing thoughts about it, sure. But I didn’t know if I wanted to get married or spend my life with someone. I didn’t know if I wanted kids or if I was even capable of remembering to feed a dog on a daily basis.”

“Sam’s still alive, right?” she kidded.

“Yes, she is. But what I’m trying to say is that you’re not even eighteen yet. You don’t have to know. I know there are people who are telling you that you should know, but they’re wrong. They probably don’t have their shit figured out. You’ll know when the time is right and until then you just live your life. Do what you love and don’t waste a day of it. You’ll figure it out as you go.”

She remained quiet, my message received.

“Now, get some sleep,” I said softly. “You have to rest up for the cooking extravaganza if you really want to help me tomorrow.”

“I did always want a big sister,” she mused, clearly as exhausted as I was.

“You’ve got one,” I replied. “Now, go to sleep or I’ll tell your brother you were talking about boys.”

She laughed softly and I rolled onto my side. Before long I found myself waking up to her bouncing up and down at the foot of the bed. The springs of my mattress whined under the strain.

“Morning, Sis,” she said with a grin.

“How are you so awake right now?” I groaned.

“Well, I did sleep for a while before you finally got your ass to bed.”

“But I was asleep way earlier.”

“Then you puked. So whatever you have, don’t give it to me.”

“I feel fine.”

“Good. Let’s go start cooking.”

We shuffled down to the kitchen. I glanced into the living room as we passed. My father had folded the blanket that I’d been wrapped in the night before, stacking it with the pillows on the old sofa. He needed a new one, but he preferred the old model and I didn’t push him on it.

Dad was at the kitchen table reading the paper and drinking a cup of coffee. He was still waking up. Taylor was clearly the most chipper among us.

“Your phone has been buzzing,” my father said as he offered Taylor a cup of coffee he’d made too much of.

He always made too much as if he needed enough to share with my mother. It was much the same as I felt when I cooked too much when Sidney was out of town. The habit of making enough to share didn’t seem to be something that faded away with time and he’d resigned himself to making twice as much and pouring half of it down the drain by the time he microwaved his dinner in the evening.

“Probably just her hubby checking in,” Taylor said with a smile as she poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down across from him.

I went to the living room to check my phone.

There were three texts from Sid. One was to wish me a good morning and happy Thanksgiving. The second requested that I take good care of his little sister. The third said that he would call me when he was on his way to the airport after practice.

I slipped the phone into my pocket and headed back to the kitchen. Both my father and Taylor were still sitting at the kitchen table when I returned. My father had relinquished custody of the sports section to Taylor. It seemed that in their time together before I’d arrived, they’d settled into a comfortable routine. I couldn’t help but smile.

“Feeling better this morning?” Dad asked.

“Tay…” I muttered.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“She didn’t have to. It’s a small house; sound travels.”

I started the process of making my tea. “I’m fine, Dad. It’s probably just a bug.”

“We can order in if you aren’t up to cooking today. We can watch the rest of last night’s game and maybe some football to fill the time. We can just have a quiet one, have dinner delivered, and watch the Steelers game tonight.”

“Taylor and I can cook. We aren’t having pizza for dinner on a holiday.”

“I was actually thinking Chinese from that place downtown. The one you and your mom used to drag me to.”

“Chinese does sound really good,” Taylor admitted.

“You bailing on me, kid?”

“It sounds good,” she defended. “I never get to eat it. So if I’m going to cheat on my usual diet, it may as well be Chinese takeout packed with MSG and mysterious but delicious meat.”

“So it’s settled,” my father said with a tone of finality. “We’ll order in and just lounge the day away.”

“I veto.”

“My house, you haven’t had the power of veto here since you moved to Boston.”

“You’ve never said that before.”

“You’ve never attempted a veto before.”

Taylor was grinning. “Sounds like your opinion here carries no weight, Wyn.”

“This isn’t settled,” I warned, retrieving my cell as it vibrated in my pocket.

“Yes it is,” they replied in unison.

I groaned before answering the phone.

“How was practice?” I asked, pressing my phone to my ear and leaving the two of them behind as I headed for my bedroom.

“Good,” he replied quickly. “How are you?”

I clearly heard the concern contained in his voice.

“Goddammit, Taylor,” I muttered.

“She was worried and knew that you wouldn’t tell me.”

“I puked once and I feel fine now. I didn’t see the point in making you worry. Still don’t.”

“Right.”

“Are you headed to the airport?”

“Yeah, I just left the rink. Stop changing the subject.”

“Sid,” I groaned.

“Are you really okay?”

“I’m fine. And apparently we’re taking it easy today. Ordering in and calling it good, I guess.”

“Outvoted?”

“I wasn’t even given a vote.”

“And you’re sure you’re okay?”

“Sidney, if I wasn’t, what the hell would you do about it?”

He didn’t respond.

“Babe, I promise you that I am okay. It’s probably just a touch of a bug or something. Don’t waste your energy worrying about me.”

“Fine. But—“

“No buts. I’m fine so don’t worry. Anyway, my dad is a doctor.”

“A retired, heart doctor.”

“Well then, at least we know it isn’t a heart attack,” I chided.

He laughed. “Have a good Thanksgiving, honey.”

“You too, just don’t overeat. You’ve got a game to win tomorrow.”

“So you only love me when I win?”

“I didn’t say that. I love you all the time. You’re just more tolerable when you win.”

“Feel better.”

“I love you, Sidney. Win or lose.”

“I love you too, Wyn.”

I hung up and slipped my phone back into my pocket before heading back towards the kitchen. My father and Taylor had moved to the living room; half a box of donuts on the coffee table and the hockey game queued up for me and Dad to catch up on.

“You just had to tell him, didn’t you?” I asked as I sat down next to Taylor, giving her a playful shove.

“I knew you were too stubborn to tell him.”

“Thanks for the help,” I muttered.

She smiled and tossed a donut in my direction.

“Your brother and trainer know about this new diet of yours?”

“It’s a holiday.”

“You’re Canadian. Your Thanksgiving was last month.”

“When in Rome.”

“Minnesota.”

“Same difference.”

My father sighed. “This is why I’m thankful you were an only child, Pooh Bear.”

Taylor snickered.

“Watch it, kiddo. He’ll give you a mortifying nickname of your own.”

“Are you girls done? There’s a hockey game I missed half of.”

“Do you even understand hockey?”

“I schooled him on the drive from Faribault and we watched a couple of games before you got here. I’ve been teaching him the rules and the terms.”

“Not in the brain-liquefying way your brother does, I hope.”

“I wanted to teach him, not bore him to death.”

“Girls.”

“Sorry,” we replied in unison.

He rolled his eyes and started the game somewhere around the point where I’d fallen asleep. The score was as it had been when I last remembered having my eyes on the screen. Clearly I hadn’t missed much at first. But it didn’t take me long to see why she’d regarded the game as a crazy one.

Face washes, tussles near the net at every missed opportunity. Two disallowed goals, one for either team. Then, halfway through the third, the score still tied, Sidney decided to turn the tides.

He started a fight and after knocking his opponent to the ice, he skated off with a split lip and a cut near his right eye that seemed to be swelling. He was bound to have a shiner at the very least and probably needed stitches that would’ve been done during his five minute major.

I turned my attention slowly to the teenager curled up in the corner of the couch.

She grinned sheepishly. “Crazy game, huh?”

“Yeah,” I replied through my teeth. “Crazy.”

“He’s fine.”

“You felt the need to tell him that I puked last night, but you didn’t consider telling me that Chronically Concussed Crosby got his damn clock cleaned?”

“He asked me not to. Said you’d worry too much. He’s got a black eye and like three stitches. It’s no big deal and his head is fine.”

I tossed a pillow at her and began typing a long message to Sidney as the game played in the background.

He wouldn’t reply until well after dinner, only expressing that he was sorry he hadn’t told me. He didn’t seem too concerned, ultimately reassuring me that he was fine, repeating his sister’s sentiments almost word for word: just a few stitches and a black eye, nothing to worry about, hadn’t had so much as a headache. I decided to let it go. He was right anyway. I would have worried too much if Taylor had given me the details. I would have spent the late night and early morning blowing up his phone though I knew it was turned off.

The rest of the game was more tolerable and the day ticked by as we flipped channels and chatted aimlessly. There were naps in the afternoon and snacks that none of us needed as we fully embraced the culture of gluttony surrounding the holiday.

We watched the Steelers game that night and I managed to remain awake the whole time. I’d even travelled with the Steelers shirt that Sidney had bought me when he took me to a game the year before. My father sighed when he saw it.

“You’ve lived there a few months and already you’ve betrayed your heritage.”

“I was never a Vikings fan anyway. Could be worse, I could have become a Patriots fan while I was living in Boston.”

“Blasphemy.”

Taylor watched as we volleyed back and forth playfully.

“You two are going to raise my grandkids as Steelers fans too aren’t you?”

“Might just raise them Packers fans just to spite you.”

He smiled and the tone changed. He wanted grandchildren but I didn’t want to tell him that I still feared that I’d be a terrible mother and that I’d insisted that Sidney and I put children on the back-burner for a while. He didn’t say another word before he headed upstairs to bed, bidding us a quiet goodnight.

“And I thought my mom had grandbaby on the brain.”

I glanced in her direction. “Oh no; not Trina too.”

She nodded. “If it helps, Dad is completely opposed until Sidney has won at least another Stanley Cup and maybe even another gold medal.”

“If your brother has his way,” I said as I headed for the steps with her in tow, “that could be as early as next June. Does your father realize that?”

“He doesn’t realize much.”

Soon after we settled in my bedroom, I heard my father make his trip from the bedroom to the chair in the living room. I was just glad there was a place in the house where he was comfortable, where he could get the rest he needed.

We’d spent part of the afternoon talking about the feeling that he had been playing with since I’d left for college. He wanted to leave Cannon Falls behind, to buy a cottage on a lake somewhere and live outside of civilization. I worried that he’d be too lonely, but it had occurred to me that perhaps staying in the town where he and my mother had built a life was too hard with her gone. Maybe the memory of her at every turn, being surrounded by the places she frequented and the people who knew her was enough to keep him unhappy.

I didn’t have to think when I offered up the house in Nova Scotia. Enfield was the nearest town, Halifax was a solid drive away. He could be secluded without having to live in the middle of nowhere. It could give him a taste of what he was looking for and it gave the caretaker a break to have someone living in the house for a few weeks.

Sidney had agreed whole-heartedly but if he hadn’t, I would have reminded him of how much he owed me for his father’s visits and the withholding of information earlier in the day. But in knew it would never come to that. Sidney wanted my father to be happy as much as I did.

Dad hadn’t agreed to take us up on the offer, but he’d expressed at least a bit of interest. That felt promising.

“I don’t think anyone wants grandkids the way your dad does though. I got the feeling that he was hoping the puking was morning sickness and not bad sushi.”

My stomach dropped and I felt like I might vomit then and there.

It struck me in that moment; flashes of the time since the season had started. Post=game celebrations and a ten-day stretch of strong antibiotics. I knew that there were risks, that antibiotics could limit the efficacy of the pill, mess with hormone levels; but I wasn’t sure how long that risk was actually present. Frankly, I hadn’t thought of it.

The nausea was worse than it had been since I’d arrived back in Minnesota. I couldn’t remember when I’d last had my period. I’d been so distracted by other things that I could have been late, weeks late for all I knew.

I flashed back to the long conversations Sidney and I had shared about not being ready.

I wasn’t ready.

He claimed that he was.

But I was sure that I wasn’t even close.

I felt myself grow pale as I sat at the end of my bed.

“You getting sick again?”

I’d forgotten Taylor was there. I’d forgotten that it had been her, joking about my father’s obsession with grandkids that had been the catalyst for my sudden suspicions. I swallowed down the fear and nausea and tried to make eye contact.

She scowled and sat down next to me.

“What’s wrong, big sister?”

I shook my head.

“I’m sorry if I crossed a line.”

“That’s not it.”

She cocked her head briefly. Then the look of realization came over her face, her eyes widening.

“Oh my God,” she muttered.

I looked in her direction as she slapped a hand over her mouth. I bit down on my lower lip hard enough that it felt like the flesh would swell painfully if I didn’t let up. I kept the pressure there, trying to focus on the searing pain and not the crippling fear that was threatening to send me into a tailspin on Thanksgiving.

“Are you…?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

I felt tears pricking my eyes.

“Should we go get a test or something?” she whispered.

“Where? This is a town where the only thing that’s open twenty-four hours a day is the fire station.”

“Where the nearest big name pharmacy?”

“Northfield maybe?”

She got out her phone and started pushing buttons furiously.

“What are you doing?”

“Finding a pregnancy test for you to buy.”

I licked the sore spot on my lip and watched her. She looked like she was on a mission, determined to succeed with whatever it was that she was attempting to do.

“You’re right. The Walgreens is open until midnight. It’s like twenty minutes away. We’ve got time.”

“I can take care of it later.”

“Putting it off doesn’t make it any less real.”

“You better not be speaking from experience.”

“My roommate had a scare last year,” she replied with a shrug.

“I don’t want to hear about it.”

That was information that I didn’t want getting back to her brother. He already worried too much. The last thing I wanted was for him to concern himself with whether or not her roommate was a bad influence on his darling sister.

“Let’s just go get the test. You can pee on the stick and go from there. Maybe it was just bad food or a bug and this is all silliness.”

“And maybe I’m not ready to be a mom.”

Slowly she placed her phone between us on the bed. “What?”

I dropped my voice, barely speaking above a whisper. “Sidney and I have talked about it. I’m just not ready. I’m barely capable of being his wife.”

“You’re a great wife. You take better care of my brother than he’s ever taken care of himself.”

“He keeps hidden away like some shameful secret.”

“He doesn’t want them to mistreat you. He isn’t ashamed, he’s afraid that they’ll chase you away. Like you’ll wake up one day and realize he’s not worth it, that you’ll figure out that he’s not actually good enough for you.”

“I just don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Who does? But hiding from it doesn’t help.”

“Since when do you give me advice?”

She shrugged. “Let’s go.”

“Dad’s sleeping in the living room. We’ll have to sneak past him.”

“Did you never sneak out?”

“Nope.”

“No?”

“Have you?”

She blanched. “Beside the point. If he wakes up, you’re a grown woman and we’re getting in line for Black Friday.”

“Fuck. That’s today?”

“Generally it does fall the day after Thanksgiving.”

“It has to wait.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to risk someone seeing. My face is out there. If one person recognizes me and a picture winds up online, I don’t want to have to explain it to your brother.”

“You’re not going to tell him?”

“I don’t know what I’m doing. And I’m too tired and worried to make a decision right now.”

“You can’t just let yourself wonder.”

“It can wait. I Promise that I’ll stop at a pharmacy and take it before I go home.”

She dropped her head onto my shoulder. “I’ve never seen you afraid before.”

“First time for everything. I’m not as tough as I seem.”

“You’ve got to be pretty tough to put up with my brother.”

“He is a pain in the ass.”

She chuckled as my phone buzzed on the nightstand.

“Speak of the devil,” she muttered. “You talk to him and I’ll go take a shower.”

I smiled as the bed recoiled from the lack of her weight. I reached for the phone and smiled upon the sound of my husband’s voice. Still, the nausea remained a constant and dull reminder of the terror that was slowly filling me.

“How’s Florida?” I asked, determined not to express my concern to him.

Not over the phone. He had an afternoon game the next day and I didn’t want him distracted. It was probably just me trying to make excuses. After all, if I didn’t tell Sidney that I was probably late and possibly pregnant, it allowed it to remain less real.

“Gorgeous. Spent the day by the pool. Only went inside to watch the Steelers game. I bet you wish you were here.”

“I ate Chinese food and watched football with your sister and my dad, you should be jealous of me.”

“I admit I miss you enough that I’d rather be in Minnesota.”

I forced a laugh. “You’re a terrible liar.”

“Fine, I wish you had been by the pool with me. Could’ve worn that blue bikini you wore at the lake this summer.”

I was hit by a fleeting thought, wondering if I would fit into that bikini the next time Sidney and I were anywhere that I could wear it. I did my best to shake it off as Sidney continued to speak.

“Speaking of the lake, what does your dad think about heading up there for a while?”

“He’s thinking about it. Said he might go up there for a couple of weeks before winter hits full force.”

“I think it would be good for him.”

“Me too.”

I heard voices in the background. Sidney’s voice grew distant for a moment, his words directed at someone else.

“You can go be with the guys, babe. The Steelers won and I’m sure you all want to celebrate.”

“It’s okay,” he replied as the voices died down. “I’d rather stick around and talk to my wife.”

“You’re like a boring old man.”

“Say what you will, you’re stuck with me.”

“I could hang up.”

“I’d just call back.”

“I could turn off my phone.”

“I’d call Taylor.”

I couldn’t help but laugh as I heard the shower cut on down the hall. I wouldn’t put it past him.

“You sound off.”

His tone was one of concern. I could practically see the lines settled into his forehead as he scowled even from well over a thousand miles away.

“Off?”

“Yes. You sound like there’s something up. Like something’s bothering you.”

I nearly blurted it as his sister showered down the hall and my father slept in his ratty old recliner in the living room below me.

I bit my tongue.

“You know me,” I muttered.

“Yes. I pride myself on it, in fact.”

“I just think too much.”

“Anything you want to talk about?”

I felt the waves of nausea again but I couldn’t tell if it was real or imagined. Either way, I felt like I was going to throw up and I had to quickly swallow to suppress the feeling. My face felt flushed, my heart rate rising steadily from the strain of holding it all in.

“We’ll talk it out when I get home. For now you need to focus on the game tomorrow and get some rest.”

“I won’t even be there when you get home; game.”

“Long Island,” I muttered. “Fine, when we’re both home.”

“I’m not going to let this go.”

“I know it. You’re like your sister that way. Or I guess she’s like you.”

“Glad to see her?”

“Of course. You know I love that kid,” I replied. “Any particular reason you didn’t let me in on this whole plan?”

“She wanted to surprise you.”

“She made you promise, didn’t she?”

“She may have made me verbally pinky-swear.”

“Is that binding?”

“It’s like law. Or at least that was her claim.”

“Like a double-dog dare?”

“I think so, but that’s more a matter of pride than honor.”

We spoke for a while longer, Sidney asking questions about his sister more than anything else. There was a part of him that was sure Taylor was more open with me than she could be with her older brother, but that wasn’t really the case. Sure, we talked about boys, but only in hypotheticals. There was very little she didn’t tell her brother because she knew, deep down, that there was nothing in the world she couldn’t tell her brother.

“Behave. Don’t let my little sister bully you too much.”

“But I want to fit in.”

He laughed openly, the bright sound calming me slightly, my stress forgotten for a moment, held off by the joyful sound of his amusement.

By the time Taylor was out of the shower, the conversation had ended and I was curled up in my old bed back to thinking about too many things all at once.

“Did you tell him?” she asked as she dropped her bag toiletries on the dresser.

“There’s nothing to tell.”

She sighed audibly and plopped onto her cot.

“What?”

“It’s just that you’re the one who told me that the only times you and Sidney have ever fought have been times where you weren’t telling each other something or another. You’re withholding information. Kind of a bad idea isn’t it?”

“He has a game tomorrow.”

“Wyn, there’s always going to be a game or an interview to work around. There’s always going to be some moment in Sidney’s life for you to use as an excuse, but that doesn’t mean that you should.”

“Go to sleep, kid.”

“You’re avoiding this.”

“Damn straight.”

I heard her sigh again as I turned out the light.

She was right; I just didn’t want to admit it.

Sidney was the one I should have been talking to. I’d had him on the line for thirty minutes and hadn’t said a thing. I hadn’t been sure how to breech the subject from so far away. It just didn’t feel right with a phone pressed to my ear, but Taylor was right; there would always be an excuse to be made and I couldn’t avoid it forever.