All That Matters

“Why is it that this is still a secret? You’re both in Pittsburgh. You were supposed to tell him when he got home from the game. Which was last night.”

“Early this morning,” I countered. “Did you actually see that game?”

“It sucked, I know. But still, you should have told him. Why didn’t you tell him?”

“I don’t know, Taylor. I just couldn’t make the words come out. He was tired after getting home from the game and I froze up. I just let him go to sleep. I should have, but that’s what happened and he was already gone and at the rink when I got up this morning so it’s not like I could have told him over breakfast or something.”

I was rambling, trying to explain my reasoning to my sister-in-law as we chatted after her final class of the day. I could see the look of disappointment on her face as I chewed on my lower lip. Even pixelated on the screen of my laptop I could tell that she’d hoped I would have already told Sidney. She wanted to hear his reaction, to not be carrying a secret that she couldn’t share with him. She was no better at lying to her brother than I was. It was one of the reasons she was a terrible gift-giver. She just couldn’t stand to withhold information. Especially from Sid. It killed her to keep things from her big brother and I felt guilty for putting her in the position to do so.

She was right. I should have told him the second his head hit the pillow when they got back. I should have been wide awake and waiting by the door when he came into the house and kicked off his shoes next to the kitchen door. I should have kissed him and looked him straight in the eye before telling him the news. I shouldn’t have let another second pass between us where we weren’t being completely honest with one another.

But I just hadn’t been able to say a words that I needed to say.

Instead, I’d gone to bed early and spent hours following their game staring up at the ceiling of our bedroom. I’d stayed there waiting for him to come home, listening to the sounds that were customary of his return from away games. I’d let the time pass without working up the courage to say what needed to be said.

I let him come home to a dark house and a bed that I was already sharing with the dog. I’d let him crawl in next to me and I hadn’t said a word.

“I know that I have to tell him, I just…I can’t find the words. I’ve rehearsed it in the mirror a bunch of times and I can’t make it sound like I don’t want to jump off the roof while I’m saying it. Maybe that’s the fear or something, I don’t know, I’m just not any good at big news I guess.”

I couldn’t think of a time I’d had to share big news with Sidney. There had been the announcement about the website and doing art again, but that was more of a showing situation than one of telling. And that hadn’t been truly life-altering. I’d always been an artist, that wasn’t even a big deal. But being pregnant when we had just had another discussion weeks earlier about the fact I still wasn’t ready for kids, that was a big deal.

“You have to tell him. He’s going to notice that you aren’t being yourself and he’s going to ask questions. He knows you better than you know yourself and you aren’t at all yourself right now.”

“I know that.”

He’d already asked me if I was okay at least three times since I’d been home and I’d seen very little of him. The only relief came from the fact he had extra press to do at the rink and I wouldn’t see him until later than usual. But at the same time, that had become troublesome as well.

I was alone in a very big house. Just me and my thoughts and a suitcase that I didn’t want to unpack for fear of having to lay my eyes on the tests that I’d taken, four in total, all saying the same thing. I was pregnant and for some reason I wasn’t telling my husband, my partner in everything. If I looked at those tests at the wrong moment it would feel like a slap to the face.

I’d ended up sitting in my art room doing absolutely nothing until Taylor had texted asking if I was around to Skype with her. She was lonely, her roommate off practicing whatever instrument it was she played. She’d spent so much time with me and my father that being back at school was an adjustment.

I was just glad to have the distraction. But it wasn’t as distracting as I’d hoped it would be.

“How’d you manage to throw up last night without him knowing?”

“They had some trouble with the plane last night. They got home later than they should have.”

“You’d already puked and brushed your teeth.”

“Twice.”

She gave me a look that I couldn’t deny I deserved.

“I’ll tell him, Taylor.”

“When?”

“When he gets home. Or after lunch. I agreed to meet Nathalie at the café and I can’t really cancel now. I know that I can’t keep this from him but this isn’t as easy as it should be. I should’ve been able to tell him when he got home last night. He was right there in bed next to me and both of us were awake. But I just laid there and pretended to be a hell of a lot more tired than I was. I couldn’t sleep anyway but I couldn’t make myself say a word. He needs to know—“

“Needs to know what?”

I jumped as his voice filled the room.

“Fuck,” I muttered. “I’ve gotta go.”

I closed my laptop, cutting off the conversation with his sister abruptly as I took a moment before looking towards him. He was leaning in the doorway behind me, waiting for an answer. He’d seen who I was talking to and he’d heard at least a portion of the conversation. I couldn’t be sure of how long he’d even been there. I sent a glare in Sam’s direction, silent admonishment for not alerting me to Sidney’s presence.

When my eyes finally fell back to him, his eyebrows were knitted together, his arms crossed defensively. I gulped as my gaze shifted to the set of his jaw.

“What do I need to know that my sister is somehow already aware of?”

“Sid,” I pled, standing from my place at my work table.

“Tell me. What is it that you can share with my baby sister but not with me; your husband.”

He was angry, his words coming out like an accusation.

I approached him slowly, still keeping some distance between us. It felt wrong. It was such an intimate announcement yet I couldn’t bring myself to inch closer to him. I wasn’t sure he would have wanted me closer as it was.

He shifted his weight, standing up straight and looking down at me.

It was rare that I felt any sort of intimidation when I looked at Sidney. He saved that for the ice, never for me. But that wasn’t the case this time. He wasn’t holding back, his shoulders pulled back as he held himself up at his full height. His arms were still crossed, acting like a barrier between him and whatever it was I needed to tell him. He was blocking the only exit, giving me no option but to tell him what it was he needed to know.

The buildup made it even harder to get the words to come out. It all felt confusing and I felt turned around. I couldn’t make sense of my own thoughts as I felt the cold sweat of panic breaking out upon my palms.

“Come upstairs with me,” I suggested.

I’d decided that showing him would be better than telling him, but he didn’t seem to agree.

“I’d rather not,” he sneered.

He wasn’t himself, stressed out about something. Not all of his ire was meant for me, but it was being directed had me. I couldn’t blame him for it. I was keeping something from him, something important and he was at the end of his rope as it was.

“I want to show you something.”

“Goddammit, Bronwyn!” he snarled. “Just tell me whatever it is you’ve been hiding from me so we can move on with our fucking day.”

I shifted my weight back, taking a step away from him. His eyes widened slightly as he took in the motion that I’d made. It wasn’t like me to back away from him, but it wasn’t like him to shout.

We’d had plenty of fights that ranged from disagreements that lasted minutes to those that lasted days. I’d never worried about them previously. Everyone I’d ever spoken to assured me that the first year of marriage was the hardest. We always got through them and seldom went to bed angry.

But this felt different and it scared me.

He was still leering at me and time seemed to be crawling to a near stop.

“I’m pregnant,” I managed to sputter.

He didn’t react immediately, but when he did, he didn’t react the way I’d expected. Or the way I’d hoped.

“That’s what you’ve been keeping from me?”

“Yes.”

His face didn’t soften. “And Taylor knows?”

I nodded.
“How long has my sister known?”

“Since I found out.”

“And when was that?”

His voice was a low growl that made me sick to my stomach.

“Thanksgiving. I didn’t take the first test until Saturday.”

He nodded slowly, running his tongue across his teeth. “Great.”

His voice was flat as he turned around and walked out of the room. I watched silently as he sauntered towards the kitchen. It took me a moment to get my wits and follow him.

“Great? That’s all you can say?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Something. I tell you I’m pregnant and all you can say is ‘great?’”

He spun on his heel, facing me with fire in his eyes. His teeth were clenched together.

“Not telling me something is the same as lying to me, Bronwyn.”

“I’ve only known for a few days, Sidney. I didn’t want to tell you over the phone.”

“And last night?”

He’d almost certainly heard that part of my conversation with his sister.

“I panicked. I can admit to that. But this is a big deal and I couldn’t find the words at four in the morning.”

“You could have tried.”

He wasn’t wrong but he also wasn’t reacting to the news. It made me feel sick. He was so focused on the fact that I had waited to tell him and that by chance he wasn’t the first to know, that he hadn’t even responded to what I’d told him.

“Yes, I could have. I won’t deny that. But I wasn’t trying to keep anything from you, Sidney. I was just trying to find the right moment and the right words.”

He shook his head and turned back towards the kitchen.

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, waiting for him to say something. He remained silent as he pulled a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and cracked the lid open. My phone vibrated in my pocket but I didn’t check to see what it was. I was sure it was a reminder that I had ten minutes to go meet up with Nathalie for lunch.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. Is that what you want to hear?”

He didn’t respond. I felt the urge to scream rising up in my chest. I wanted to shake him, to make him react. If he wanted to fight then that was what we needed to do. If we needed to talk it out then he needed to speak up. I couldn’t stand staring at one another without a word.

I grabbed my keys and my purse and headed for the door.

“Where are you going?”

“Lunch with Nathalie,” I snapped. “What do you care?”

The words left my mouth with a ferocity I hadn’t intended. He looked like the words stung but didn’t react immediately.

“Is now the time for that?”

“I promised I’d meet her. Would you rather that I just stay here while you glower at me?”

“Shouldn’t we talk about this?”

His voice was softer but the tension was still evident.

I’d decided that I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to stay in the house with him for another minute.

“No.”

I stepped into the garage, closing the door behind me; only noticing that I was shaking when I’d settled into the Land Rover and attempted to get a firm grip on the steering wheel. I took a series of deep breaths. I had to calm down before I drove, even though I was only going a few blocks.

I was shocked by Sidney’s reaction and I couldn’t quite digest the response he’d sent my way. Deep down, I had the urge to cry and I wasn’t sure why. But in that moment, while he stewed in the kitchen, I was just angry with him.

Angry that he’d tried to intimidate me.

Angry that he’d shouted.

Angry that he hadn’t said a word that had to do with the news I’d shared.

I was pregnant. We were having a baby whether either of us was ready for that. But he didn’t seem to care much about that. He cared that I’d kept it to myself for a few days. He cared that his sister knew before he did.

I wasn’t sure what I’d expected from him. I’d known for days and I still wasn’t comfortable with the weight of it. Had I expected him to embrace the news that I’d just thrown at him? I wasn’t sure. But for some reason I had expected more from him than what he’d given me. I’d expected something concrete to carry with me. I’d expected his support of the comfort that he so often gave to me. But he hadn’t given me anything of the sort.

I pulled out of the garage and drove in silence. My phone vibrated again, almost certainly Sidney trying to get me to go home instead of out to lunch with Nathalie. I ignored it as it buzzed against my leg, finally falling silent and still as I pulled up to the curb outside the café.

It was a chilly day and in my haste to get out of the house, I’d left without a jacket. I tensed up against the cool breeze as I hustled towards the door. Nathalie’s car was already there, parked just a few spaces ahead of mine. She’d likely found a corner booth where we could feel like things were a little more private.

I relished in the warmth of the air as the door slammed closed behind me, helped along by a gust of wind that pushed me from the sidewalk and into the building. I let my arms fall to my sides but the tension in my muscles was much deeper than what the wind had caused.

The hostess smiled as I pointed towards the blonde woman in the corner. Nathalie was smiling up over her menu and sent a soft wave my way. I slid into the booth across from her and settled my purse next to me. There was a menu and a glass of water waiting.

“How was Minnesota?” she asked cheerfully, wasting no time in the effort of catching up.

Meeting with her for lunch had become something we did almost weekly. Generally I looked forward to our shared meals but as I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket again, I found myself wishing we’d done it a different day.

“It was nice to see my dad,” I said as I picked up my menu.

“And Taylor?”

“You knew about that too?”

“We invited her here for the break. The kids wanted to see her and we knew Sidney would have enjoyed spending some time with her as well. But she said she was spending it with her sister.”

I smiled as Nathalie focused on the menu in front of her. I already knew what I was having, a creature of habit at my core. I would order the same salad that I always did with the dressing on the side. I’d peruse the dessert menu but I wouldn’t order anything, settling for frozen yogurt if Sidney was up for it after dinner.

I doubted we’d be sharing any frozen yogurt given the way we’d left things.

I doubted we’d be sharing much of anything.

“How was your Thanksgiving?” I asked.

“Uneventful. One of the dogs stole a bite of turkey, but that was exciting as things got.”

“Sounds nice,” I muttered without thought.

It caught her attention and her menu drifted down to the surface of the table. She closed it and folded her hands on top of the pages. I saw her shift in her seat, bringing her torso just a bit closer to the edge of the table, her shoulders curving forward to lessen the gap between us.

It was then that she really looked at me. No makeup and a scowl that I couldn’t seem to shake. I’d caught a glimpse in the rearview mirror in the car and I certainly wasn’t looking my best. I’d hastily pulled my hair into a bun while the car was idling on the street outside and I looked worried at best. Mostly, I looked like I was about to be sick.

“Is everything okay?”

Was it?

I shook my head slightly.

“Your father?”

“No. Dad’s fine. He’s thinking about moving, leaving Minnesota and going off the grid, I guess. Sidney and I are letting him use the cabin up in Nova Scotia if he wants to. He really seems to be doing okay, just embracing a change of pace. Hopefully he heads up there and clears his head. Maybe he’ll do some fishing and just relax for a while before the cold really sets in.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

She didn’t add the words “you look terrible” to the end of the sentence. They were a given.

“We got into a fight.”

She knew that I wasn’t talking about my father. That much was clear in my tone. I just had a habit of not referring to Sidney by his name in public. There were still times that I caught myself reverting back to referring to him as “Patrick” when conversing with Nicole or Sebastian.

“About?”

“I was keeping something from him when I was in Minnesota. I just didn’t want to tell him over the phone and I didn’t see him until late last night and I chickened out. He found out today and I was talking to Taylor about it when he walked in the house. She only knows about it because she was in Cannon Falls with me. Otherwise I don’t think it would have been a big deal.

“But he’s angry with me.”

“Angry?”

“Angry.”

“There has to be more to it.”

“I think there is, but he’s not going to talk to me. And frankly, I don’t think I want to talk to him.”

“How serious was it? The thing that you weren’t telling him, I mean.”

“Serious. Life altering, really.”

“Bronwyn, you’re not leaving him…” she trailed off.

“What? No!” I replied quickly. “It’s nothing like that. It’s the opposite of that in a lot of ways.”

I leaned forward but the waitress arrived to take our orders. I acted out of habit and Nathalie placed her order quickly. We waited until she was out of earshot then I leaned forward again.

“I’m pregnant,” I said as quietly as I could. “We didn’t plan it, it just sort of happened. But that’s not the point. I figured it out on Thanksgiving and took the test on Saturday. I just wasn’t prepared and it threw me for a loop. I should have told him when he got home last night but it was so late and it didn’t feel like the right time especially after the game they had.”

The game hadn’t gone well. The Islanders destroyed them and I could tell by the time they left the ice that every man on that team was blaming himself for the loss. That kind of behavior was a Sidney Crosby specialty. For every bit of self-loathing the rest of the team had, he had twice as much.

“Last night wouldn’t have been the right time. But you’ve only known for a few days. I didn’t tell Mario I was pregnant with Lauren until at least a week, maybe two after I found out. She wasn’t exactly planned either and we weren’t married yet. It was a lot to take in. You can’t beat yourself up for not telling him.”

“He knows now.”

“Good,” she replied softly.

She was still watching me closely.

“You’re not acting like it’s a good thing.”

“I told him and all he could do was shout about the fact that I hadn’t told him earlier and that Taylor knew before he did. He didn’t say a word about…you know. He just stayed angry with me about the circumstances.”

She didn’t reply right away. It was clear by the look on her face that it wasn’t what she’d been expecting. Everyone who knew Sidney knew he wanted kids and even the fact that I hadn’t told him before his sister shouldn’t have overshadowed the joy everyone expected him to feel.

But I hadn’t felt a bit of joy from him upon telling him he was going to be a father.

Not even a little.

Nathalie stirred the ice in her glass with a fingernail. The smooth red polish stood out against her porcelain skin. My own nails were bitten down. It was a habit I’d thought I’d broken, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself from gnawing on them over the course of the weekend and all through my flight home. It was a habit that came from worrying and from being unsure about things. It wasn’t something I thought I would go back to with someone like Sidney in my life.

It was the first time in months that I’d felt unsure with Sidney. And before, I’d never been unsure about him. It had always come down to me. Whether I was good enough or strong enough to be with him. But this was different. For the first time I wasn’t sure about him as a man and as my husband.

It was jarring and the nausea I’d been feeling all day just wouldn’t let up.

I picked at my salad when it arrived.

“You need to eat it not just look at it,” she admonished quietly.

“My appetite is pretty much shot.”

“What are you going to say when you get home?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know where to start.”

“You’ll figure it out. And I’m sure that Sidney isn’t angry with you.”

“You didn’t see him, Nathalie. He was angry.”

The set of his jaw and the way he’d stared down his nose at me. That was Sidney when he was mad. But it hit me that I’d never seen him like that because he’d never been truly angry with me. We’d both had our moments of being angry with situations or frustrated with one another, but this had been new and so unlike him.

I changed my standard behavior and ordered the cheesecake that I’d been eyeing since the first time Sidney had brought me to the café we enjoyed so much. I needed to eat and the salad was far from appetizing. I’d only managed to pick off the croutons and the chunks of chicken before pushing it away.

“He’ll be calmed down by the time you get home.”

“I hope so,” I murmured as I scraped a bit of the crust off of the plate. “I didn’t like seeing him that way.”

“You weren’t afraid of him, were you?”

She looked genuinely concerned.

“No. It just made me so uncomfortable. I know he was defending himself because I caught him by surprise, but it still didn’t feel right.”

She reached across the table and placed her hand softly atop mine. The feeling of needing to cry rose up with a vengeance, but I held the tears back. It was something a mother would do to show support. It didn’t feel misplaced at all, it felt comforting in a way that I hadn’t expected it to.

“Mario and I are here if you need us.”

She paused for a moment, letting it sink in. It was like my father had told me back in Minnesota. I had people who would gladly step in and fill the void where my mother should have been. I just had to trust them and more than that, I had to be willing to let them in.

“It will all be okay. He loves you more than anything in the world. You’ll figure this out and be stronger for it.”

I hoped she was right.

After lunch I sat in the car and stared at my phone. He’d called several times but he’d left only one voicemail. It took me a while to work up the courage to listen to the message.

“Wyn, just come home and we’ll talk about it.”

It felt empty, his voice hollow when he spoke. Again I found myself expecting more from him. On a level it felt like he wasn’t even trying. It didn’t sound like the voice of the man who’d shown up in Boston just to make sure I hadn’t offed myself. It didn’t sound like the man who’d let his teammates fly home without him to be with me after the playoff run had ended so badly. It certainly didn’t sound like the man who’d held onto an engagement ring for months waiting for the right moment to arise and not letting my self-doubt get in the way.

I cried on the drive back to the house. Sidney’s car was still in the garage just where it had been when I’d left. I was glad he hadn’t run off out of frustration in the way that I had. We needed to talk and avoiding each other wasn’t going to do us any good no matter how angry we were.

I dug through the glove compartment for a Kleenex but came up with only an old takeout napkin from our favorite sushi place. I made do with the rough paper, dabbing the tears away from my cheeks, glad that I hadn’t taken the time to paint my face when I got out of the shower that morning.

I took a shuddering breath and headed inside.

The house was quiet and after a moment of thinking, I knew just where I would find him. I dropped my purse on the kitchen island, my keys clattering down next to my cell phone, and headed for the basement.

It was what Sidney did when he was angry. He worked out, tried to burn off all of the excess emotion like the calories from a slice of cake. It wasn’t just anger either. He’d worked himself far too hard after his grandmother had died and he was a mess afterwards. He was doing it again, I was sure of it.

He was dripping with sweat when I found him. He spotted me in the mirror but didn’t look directly at me. I could see by the look in his eyes that he was still angry. According to his message he wanted to talk, but that didn’t seem to be the case.

“Did you tell Nathalie all about our personal problems?” he snarled.

I wanted to turn around and walk away but in knew it would do me no good and neither would tossing a free weight at his face. We had to talk about it. We had to figure things out.

“I talked to her as a friend.”

As a mother.

“Great.”

“You’ve said that a lot today but you don’t seem to mean it.”

He scoffed, still not looking directly at me.

“Will you just turn around and look at me?”

“I’d rather not,” he said with a shrug.

He turned and walked past me, hopping onto the treadmill and staring straight ahead as if I wasn’t even there.

“Why won’t you talk to me about this, Sidney? A month ago there was nothing in the world you wanted more than to be a father, now I tell you that you’re going to have your wish and you can’t even respond.”

“I don’t know what to say, Bronwyn. We didn’t plan this. Or maybe you did.”

“What?!”

“The pill.”

“The pill fails sometimes. I’d been sick, I’d been on medication and that can mess with things. Shit happens, Sidney.”

He didn’t respond. He just stared straight ahead, running at a pace that was faster than usual.

“Say something!” I shouted.

I’d reached the end of my tether.

“I have nothing to say.”

“So you called me home to tell me that you have nothing to say to me? How big of an asshole are you trying to be right now?”

It was the flatness in his voice that infuriated me. I felt sick to my stomach, the red hot boil of my anger rising to join the constant nausea. He wasn’t being himself and neither was I. I thought that we’d seen each other at our worst, but it was becoming quite clear that wasn’t true. I was finally seeing the worst of Sidney and I didn’t like the man running in place in front of me. I didn’t like the way it felt when he refused to make eye contact, when he acted like my being pregnant was some sort of sabotage created just to ruin his perfect little world.

I turned on my heel and stormed out of the gym heading straight for our bedroom. I grabbed a duffel bag out of the closet and tossed a few items in without any thought.

I was fuming as I unzipped the suitcase that I’d taken with me over my break. I dug through the contents unearthing the paper bag that I’d carried so much fear over, just days earlier. That fear had been replaced by anger that I didn’t feel equipped to deal with.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent a quick text to Sebastian. I couldn’t think of what else to do. I wasn’t sharing a bed with a husband who wouldn’t make eye-contact with me. But I didn’t want to be alone. I knew that Sebastian wouldn’t ask questions that I didn’t feel like answering, but he would listen if I wanted to talk. I just hoped he’d be home when I got there.

I slung the duffel over my shoulder and headed back downstairs, the paper bag clutched tightly in my hand. I was shaking again and I couldn’t tell which of my emotions was causing the reaction. I was on a roller-coaster of emotions and they kept shifting. I was upset and sad but I was also so angry I felt as if I was seeing red.

I didn’t stop when I hit the ground floor and continued on towards the basement. The duffel was feeling heavier as I reached the gym and found Sidney still on the treadmill, running in silence. He slowed slightly, letting his eyes fall to me for just long enough to take in what he was seeing.

“Going somewhere?”

“Staying with a friend.”

“You can’t be that angry with me.”

“You have no idea how angry I am right now. I don’t think you can fucking fathom how angry I am with you right now.”

“It’s not that big of a deal. You’re being dramatic.”

I bit down on the inside of my cheek, the sensation nearly bringing tears to my eyes.

“This is a very big deal and I think you need to figure out just how big of a deal it is.”

I stepped forward, standing directly in front of the treadmill. The bag crunched in my hand. I could feel the tests inside. Three of them were identical and the other, the cheaper test, showed two pink lines. All four very clearly denoted the seriousness of our situation. I thought that maybe, if he had some time alone to think and stare at the tests the way I had back in Minnesota, he would figure out just how big of a deal it was.

I held the bag tightly in my hand, making sure he could see what I was holding.

“This is what I wanted to show you earlier. I thought it would have been easier. Maybe it would have sunk in a little better. They’re yours now.”

I thrust my hand forward, my palm thumping harshly against his chest. He nearly lost his stride as he grabbed hold of the bag and I retracted my hand. He made an attempt to hold onto me but my fingers slipped through his.

“If you want to talk, I won’t be that hard to find.”

I didn’t tell him I loved him, though it remained as true as it had always been. I was simply too upset to say much of anything to him.

I expected to hear the thudding of his heavy steps following me up the stairs two at a time, but after a moment I realized he wasn’t following me and I found that I preferred it that way. I picked up my purse and keys, the duffel still hanging off of my right shoulder, and headed for the car.

Sebastian wasn’t there when I arrived and I set up camp outside his door.

I could only imagine what it must have looked like to the few neighbors who passed me in the hall while I waited. I looked like a crazy person, tears streaming down my face and duffel bag squashed into my lap as I leaned against the door of his apartment. I’d only made it that far because a neighbor had recognized me as someone who belonged and let me into the security door at street level. More likely, she took pity and could only assume that I wasn’t a rapist or murderer.

It wasn’t long before Sebastian showed up. He was rushing, reacting to the 911 text I’d sent his way.

“Jesus, Wynnie,” he murmured when he reached the door.

I pushed myself onto my feet as he took my things and unlocked the door. I’d stopped crying for a while, but it didn’t last long. All of my emotions poured over when he wrapped me in a hug.

“Trouble in paradise?” he asked as I sobbed into his suit.

I attempted to laugh but only ended up snotting on his suit. He slipped it off of his shoulders and settled me onto his couch.

“Give me just a minute,” he said quickly, retreating to the bedroom.

He changed quickly and stopped in the kitchen. I heard him going through cabinets and it was only a minute before he returned with a stack of takeout menus and a bottle of wine. There were two glasses in his hand as he sat down next to me.

“What did he do?” he asked.

“You just assume he did something.”

“Yes, I do. The last time I saw you cry they were sad-happy tears on your wedding day. But he was the part that made you happy and the fact that your mom couldn’t be there was the only thing that was making you sad. But now I find you reduced to a puddle of tears outside my apartment in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday. He had to have done something.”

He began to pour the wine, a common occurrence when we commiserated. But I held out a hand to stop him.

“Don’t bother.”

“Wine helps, Wyn.”

He was right. There’d barely been a time between us that the wine hadn’t helped.

“I can’t drink it, Bastian.”

It took a moment for the words to sink in and for him to make sense of what I’d said. He put the bottle down as the awareness showed upon every inch of his face.

“You’re…”

“In a family way. Got a bun in the oven. Knocked up. Preggers. Up the duff,” I muttered.

“And you’re also miserable and fighting with your husband?”

I nodded.

“Forgive my confusion but isn’t he the one who has been all gung-ho about having kids, trying to convince you to go off the pill?”

“Up until I told him.”

Sebastian gave me a confused look and I found myself back at the beginning of the story. I doubted that the details mattered, but I didn’t leave any out. From the first time I’d ralphed to my father doing his best to comfort me. I didn’t stop talking until I told him about the old woman who let me into the building. He told me her name was Mrs. Mattson and she had four cats all named after a member of the Beatles. On a normal day I would have been amused but I really just wanted to murder Mrs. Mattson’s cats.

“I thought he’d be happy.”

I was crying again. I wasn’t angry anymore. That feeling was gone. What I was feeling was utter sadness.

Even though I’d been afraid to tell him, I had started to grow a little more comfortable with the idea of being a mom in the days since I’d found out. I was far from confident, but some of my terror had been replaced by momentary twinges of excitement. I’d hoped that Sidney would be ecstatic and his joy and happiness would help me along in overcoming my fears.

But now I was lost.

I was heartbroken because he wasn’t happy like he should have been and something felt very wrong.

“I’m sure he is.”

I shook my head.

“You know he isn’t good with showing emotion.”

“He is with me.”

Sebastian couldn’t argue. Sidney was a different person when he was with me. He was open with affection for me when we were in private; he was almost sappy at times. Showing emotion wasn’t the issue he was dealing with.

“Besides, he showed plenty of emotion.”

“Just the wrong ones.”

I nodded in agreement.

Sebastian wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close.

“Here’s what we’re going to do, Wynnie. We’re going to order some dinner and then you’re going to pick the worst movie in my library and we’re going to make fun of it while we eat. By that time Sidney will probably have called to grovel. If not, you’ll sleep with me and I’ll even let you be the little spoon.”

I laughed softly.

“It’s gonna be fine. This is just a rough patch.”

“A rough patch?”

“That’s what the experts call it.”

“You aren’t an expert.”

“Fine, I’m not. But I know what I’m talking about. Everything will be fine, your husband is just being a dick.”

For some reason, that made me feel better.