Mike and Jeff Versus the Zombie Apocalypse

Mike Richards and Jeff Carter had finished practice and were freshly showered and changing when Dustin Penner ran into the locker room.

“Dude!” he yelled as he skidded to a stop. “We’re under attack!”

"You're in the wrong locker room, man," Mike pointed out.

“What are you even talking about, Penner?” Jeff asked.

“Come on!” he shouted, running from the room. Mike and Jeff exchanged a look before shrugging their shoulders and finished getting dressed before walking out into the main room. Everyone, the players from the Kings and the Ducks, the coaches, the training staff, were all standing around staring at the television on the wall. Mike and Jeff walked up to the back of the group and Jeff poked Drew Doughty in the side.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“Zombies,” Drew replied solemnly.

“Zombies?” Mike repeated in disbelief.

“It’s a zombie apocalypse. The east coast is completely under siege and they expect zombies to reach here in the next few hours.”

“You’re serious?” Mike asked. Drew pointed up at the television.

“See for yourself,” he replied. Mike edged closer as Jeff hung back. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out to see a message from Julie.

Where are you?

Staples.

I’m coming over. I was at lunch with Sam for that freelance piece he wants me to do next month. Don’t leave without me.

Okay?

Jeff! Have you not seen the news?

I mean, we’re looking at it right now but its fake right? I mean, it is April First....

I swear to all that is good and holy, Jeff....this is not an April Fools joke. Canada is more or less obliterated at this point and the zombies are taking over the United States.

Really?

REALLY!!! I’ll be there in two minutes.

Jeff stared down at his phone and called out to Mike who walked back over to him. “Julie is coming here. She said its a zombie apocalypse.”

“Yeah, but its April Fools,” Mike replied.

“She swears it’s no joke. We’re under attack, dude.”

“Have you talked to Sarah?” Dustin asked as he joined them. Mike stared at him blankly. “Dude! Your wife is home alone! And there are zombies! I distinctly remember you telling me that you promised to protect her from any and all zombie apocalypses in your wedding vows.”

“She has Arnold....” Mike said slowly.

“Arnold is a dog; he can not shoot a zombie in the face.”

Julie came running in then and threw her arms around Jeff. “Thank God you’re okay. You are okay, right? No zombies have bitten you? Let me check you!”

“If you want to see me naked, all you have to do is ask,” Jeff said with a wiggle of his eyebrows. Julie slapped him hard across the chest.

“Now is not the time for that! Have you talked to Sarah?”

Jeff pointed to Mike who was in the corner with his phone to his ear. “Mike is calling her.”

"Holy shit you're huge!" Dustin exclaimed. Julie smacked his arm.

"I'm two weeks away from giving birth you goober!"

"How many babies do you have in there? Or does Jeff just have super human sperm?"

"It's just one cheeto. And please don't encourage his idea that his sperm is super."

Mike walked back over with a frown. “I can’t get Sarah on the phone.”

“Fuck!” Julie muttered. “We need to go.” She led the way to the door and looked back at Jeff and Mike who stood frozen in place. “Come on!” she yelled at them. "Of course I'd have to be in charge of you two," she muttered.

“Where are you going?” Drew called out as Jeff and Mike started for the door.

“We gotta find Sarah,” Jeff answered.

“I’m coming too,” Dustin spoke up.

"What about your teammates?" Mike asked.

"Fuck them; if I'm going against zombies, I'm doing it with you guys."

“Me too,” Drew added. All five of them piled into Mike’s range rover and started driving towards Mike and Sarah’s house.

Halfway there, traffic began to slow and Mike pulled around other cars to continue. His grip on the steering wheel was white knuckled as Julie continued to try to reach Sarah to no avail.

"Holy fuck!" Dustin exclaimed. Ahead of them, a line of zombies stumbled towards them in the middle of the expressway.

"Floor it!" Jeff yelled at Mike. He nodded and pushed the gas pedal to the floor, the range rover picking up speed as he barreled down on the zombies.

Thud! Bam! Crunch!

Three zombies flew through the air as Mike drove straight through them. "Fuck yeah!" Drew shouted. Mike drove like a man possessed and fifteen minutes later, he was pulling into his driveway. Sarah's escalade was parked there and Mike flew out of the vehicle and towards the house.

"Grab your sticks," Julie said as the others climbed from the vehicle.

"Why?" Dustin asked.

"The only way to kill a zombie is to take off its head. What better way to head shot a zombie than with your hockey stick? Why did you think I told you to grab every one of your sticks that you could? So we could play street hockey with them?" Julie rolled her eyes and headed inside.

"Sarah!!!" Mike yelled, running room to room and then up the stairs. "Sarah!!" He slammed the bedroom door open and Sarah sat up in bed. She took note of the wild look in Mike's eye as he advanced on her and pulled her out of bed and into his arms.

"What is going on, Mike?" Sarah asked.

"Zombies.”

Sarah began to laugh. “Haha, April fools.”

Mike set Sarah in front of him and gripped her shoulders, looking her in the eye. “This is not a joke; the zombie apocalypse is upon us!”

“WHAT?!?” she yelped. “Zombies?”

“Yes, zombies.” Arnold barked at their feet and wagged his tail, looking up at them.

“Mike!” Julie yelled up the stairs. “Did you find Sarah?”

Mike grabbed Sarah’s hand and pulled her behind him down the stairs. “She was sleeping,” Mike answered as they all gathered in the kitchen.

Sarah looked around the room. “We’re seriously going to survive a zombie apocalypse with these guys? Why didn’t you bring Stoll? Or Quickie? You definitely should have brought Anze...”

Dustin hung up his phone and grinned. “Kopi is on his way with Stoll and Carbomb. Quickie and Brownie are together with their families and Greenie is with them.”

“Well at least they have some muscle then. Now, what’s the plan?”

The guys all exchanged glances and Julie sighed. “We need to board the windows.”

“I have wood at my house from the renovation,” Drew offered.

Mike tossed Drew the keys to Sarah’s escalade. “Bring back as much as you can.” Drew nodded. “Go with him, Penner. Call Kopi and tell him to meet you there. If Stoll is driving, you can fill up the back of his truck.”

“Bring back whatever sticks you have at home too,” Julie added. “Guns if you have them. Oh and food. Whatever won't go bad in case we lose power.” They nodded and headed out, Dustin on the phone with Jarret as they went.

“Okay, so what do we do?” Sarah asked.

“Jeff and I are going to our place to get whatever we can find to use as a weapon,” Julie replied. “And I’ll bring back whatever food I can find too. Collect all the non perishables you can find here. Thank god you guys are hockey players. We’ll be good on the water and gatorade front.” She turned to Mike and held out her hand. “Keys please.” Mike handed over the keys to the range rover and with a nod, Julie pulled Jeff out of the room with her.

When they were alone, Mike turned to Sarah. “So since this is the zombie apocalypse and we might die, does that mean we should make it one more time?”

“Mike!” Sarah shrieked.

“What?”

“How can you think about sex at a time like this?”

“I mean, I don’t want to die without satisfying your lady boner for me one last time. Plus I’m fucking freaking out on the inside and I don’t know what to do. Sex seems like a really good idea to get some clarity.”

Sarah sighed and walked over to Mike, hugging him around the middle. She leaned into him and kissed him. “I love you, sweet cheeks.”

“I love you too, babe. Now can I please have sex with you?”

“Oh my god! There are zombies out there, Mike! All of our friends are getting supplies so we can prepare and you’re thinking about sex!”

“We are offering our home as a base for this operation. I think I have earned this.” With that said, Mike grabbed Sarah bridal style and charged up the stairs with her. “Ten minutes.”

Sarah shook her head as a smile came over her face. “Twenty. I mean, just in case this is the last time we get to do this.”

“I promised to protect you from the zombie apocalypse and I will. At some point you decided I was the best partner for this and I intend to live up to it.”

“I know I’m safe with you. Now shut up and love me.”