Back to the Disaster

This morning I woke up with a clenching pain in my chest. It caught me off guard; I practically shot out of bed, tripping in the blankets that were snug around my ankles. In my haste, I fell to the ground, colliding with my nightstand on the way down. The pain inside now mixing with the jab on my arm and I knew I'd have a pretty sweet bruise later on.

Before I could stand up, Mike burst into my room with a loud groan. "Vic! We're late." He grumbled and came over to help me stand. "Why are you on the floor?"

"I fell," I shrugged, brushing past him to get to the bathroom. "And we're not late, we have plenty of time."

"Yeah," he murmured as he readjusted his book bag. "But it's the first day back. I, uh, have to meet someone."

"A girl I presume?" Leave it to my brother to have dates lined up the very first day we come back from summer break.

He rolled his eyes and walked away from me. I took his silence as a yes and quickly headed to the bathroom so I could shower and get ready for the day.

As we made our way to the school, that pang in my chest returned, burning and clawing at my insides begging to be set free. I knew exactly what was happening. It was the moment I had been dreading since the day after that night. Today was not only our first day back to school, but it was my first day back without him.

I tried to shake the thought. I had to get through this day in one piece, even if it killed me. And it probably would. We pulled into the familiar parking lot once more and I killed the engine, Mike and I grabbing our bags and running towards the building.

Once inside, I was greeted with the yellow lights in the hallway. The long row of faded red lockers stood out, almost mocking me in a way. With a sigh, I trudged to my area, allowing my bag to slip off my shoulders and onto the floor.

We had about ten minutes until the first class and I probably should have gone in the cafeteria to meet with my friends, but I didn't have the energy. I was still in so much pain.

I was about halfway through collecting my books when I felt a small tap on my shoulder. The only person who ever greeted me by my locker this early was Kellin, but I knew it wasn't him. That realization sent another shot of pain to surge through me. I bit my lip in an attempt to hide my frown and I spun on my heels only to be face to face with Tony.

He gave me an apologetic smile and shoved his hands in his pockets awkwardly. The guys had been acting weird around me for the past two weeks, but I was hoping now that we were back in school that they'd loosen up a little.

"Did you hear?" He finally asked me, breaking contact with the floor and meeting my curious stare.

"About what?" I frowned and turned back to my locker to quickly grab my things and finish what I was doing. He went silent again and after I shut my locker I faced him once more. "What's going on?"

"There's an assembly..." He started and at that moment I stopped walking. "For Kellin." He finished quietly and I could tell he was afraid to mention the boy to me.

I didn't know what to think at that moment. They were having an assembly already? It was only our first day back. How could this happen so soon? I wasn't complaining, to be honest, I wanted this done as quickly as possible. But I was just shocked.

"How do you know?" I spoke up once we started walking again. Maybe it was a rumor. This school loved to spread rumors.

"I heard it from Justin." He admitted. "Who heard it from Gabe."

My mouth formed an 'o' but nothing came out. Gabe Barham was the son of the principal. The best person to find things out from was him. So if he said we were having an assembly today, it was a fact and not a rumor.

"This day just got worse." I mumbled to myself, hoping that Tony wouldn't hear me. They were worried about me, I knew that much and every little thing I did or said was put under a microscope and analyzed. "Do you know when?"

"I think the end of the day." He shrugged and we continued walking, making our way to the classrooms. "What do you have first?" We stopped once we reached the end of the hall.

"Algebra. You?" I toyed with my schedule, familiarizing myself with it.

"Biology." He rolled his eyes and started for the staircase. "See you in second!" He called out before disappearing through the doors.

I walked into my class, smiling a little when I saw Jaime and Jack sitting in the back of the room.

"Vic!" Jaime waved his hand motioning for me to join them. So I did, taking a seat in the middle row.

"Did you hear?" Jack asked me in a whisper, his expression changing to one of sadness.

"Mhm." I simply nodded, not wanting to talk about it anymore.

Jaime went to add onto Jack's statement, but I was saved as the teacher walked in the room, chipper and ready to start. This day was going to be gruesome and as I fell back into my seat, listening to the old man up front talk about how this year was going to be great, my mind started to wander to the assembly later in the day. I knew they’d probably ask me to give a speech or something and at first I was okay with that idea. Talking about Kellin made me incredibly happy, but as I thought about it more and more, I became scared. There was no way I could do this.

After the first class, the day seemed to drag on. Trying to get from class to class was dreadful seeing as how I was stopped every few inches by a random student or teacher offering me a smile, hug, or their condolences. It was nice, everyone taking their time to make sure I was okay, but honestly, I was growing sick of hearing “I’m sorry.” I know they meant well, so I kept my mouth shut and accepted it. But it didn’t make the day any easier.

Now we were at lunch, sitting in the cafeteria while other students started to file in. Our little group sat in the circular table towards the back, the one a few of us claimed freshman year. After that it just kind of stuck and became our usual space. I was placed between Mike and Justin, both of them shouting about something that happened over the summer at a party they attended. Like always, I didn’t listen. Instead I stared at my tray, using my plastic fork to move around the food in an attempt to make it look like I ate. Over the past couple of days I haven’t had much of an appetite. Mike noticed and at home, he’d always try to get me to eat, but I just couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stomach anything except maybe some juice.

As the lunch hour progressed, the room became exceptionally louder and I could hear different conversations scattered throughout the area. The girls next to us were talking about their summer vacation and which boys they were hoping to hook up with this year. At the table to the far right there were the band kids, chiming about how wonderful camp had been this summer and how it was a much better turn out than the previous years. And of course there was our table, which always seemed to be the loudest. Everyone was so full of life and I just didn’t understand it. How could they be so happy when I’m so miserable? Am I the only one who actually cares?

I knew that wasn’t the case. They wanted to go on like nothing happened, remembering Kellin but not letting it drag them down. I, on the other hand, couldn’t stop thinking about him. And knowing that if he were here right now, we’d be off in the hallway or some abandoned classroom making out and laughing. Just doing the usual things we did when we were together.

When the warning bell finally rang, my stomach dropped. There were only three more classes left until the end of the day. Technically, two, since they were cutting off our last period for the assembly. I found that out earlier in the day when a teacher had stopped me on my way to third.

Instead of heading straight to English like I was supposed to, I took a little detour to the hallway by the choir and band room. Kellin and I always used to skip gym and hang out in this area. It was a wonder we never got caught; it was an open space, right next to the second entrance of the school and the cafeteria. However, most people left this corner of the school alone. I always appreciated that.

I knew in just a matter of hours we’d all be crunched in that auditorium and there would probably be police officers and other officials, plus the principal, teachers, and of course, Kellin’s parents. I didn’t know if I should be nervous, or scared, or what, but I knew at that moment I was sad more than anything. I had spent the last two weeks trying to recover, trying to grieve and now it was all being thrown in my face again. Soon enough, I’d have to leave this precious corner and head into the room just across from me, but for now, I’d stay here, and reminisce in this spot one last time.

--

We filed into the auditorium one by one. I stayed glued to Mike’s side because I was afraid that if I didn’t, I’d run out of the room and probably into oncoming traffic. It was nerve-wracking to say the least. The room was dark, though I’m not sure if it was to set the atmosphere for the assembly or if they had just forgotten to adjust the lights yet. Either way, I didn’t like it and a sickening feeling erupted in my stomach.

As I sat down between Mike and Tony, my body began to shake, hands trembling. I couldn’t relax, or breathe; it seemed like the room was caving in and swallowing me whole. “Vic,” I heard my name whispered out but I was too afraid to turn my head. I felt like if I moved I’d fall apart right here in this seat. “Vic, relax man, it’s okay.” The voice said again and I recognized it as Justin’s. He was sitting behind me and I felt his hands on my shoulders, giving them a firm squeeze. “It’s gonna be fine.”

His words were of little comfort, but I just nodded and slipped my hands underneath my legs, watching as my knee bounced up and down. The room had gone silent as the lights dimmed even more and I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and hoping this would all be over soon.

Footsteps echoed throughout the auditorium, I cracked an eye open to watch as Principal Barham walked across the stage. He looked upset, but of course he would be, he’d grown to love Kellin just like the rest of us. Stopping once he reached the podium, he outstretched his arm, tapping on the microphone before clearing his throat and speaking. “Good afternoon faculty, students, friends, and family. It is with great sadness that we have to be here today.”

Now everyone’s eyes were on him, mine included. He stood tall, strong, as if he weren’t about to break down and I envied that. There would be no way in Hell that I could pull off his demeanor.

“As you know, just a few weeks ago we lost a very special person.” His eyes scanned the room and I swear they landed on me for just a brief moment before returning to the paper in front of him. “Kellin Quinn was a friend, a respectable student, a loving son, and overall an incredible human being whom I have had the pleasure of knowing.”

I said I wouldn’t cry, because honestly, it was embarrassing, but as Principal Barham spoke, I couldn’t stop it. Tears began pricking at my eyes and seconds later hot drops came rolling down my cheeks. The way his face lit up when he spoke about Kellin warmed my heart, but crushed me all the same. Kellin was an amazing person, one we’d never see again.

“Before we get to the serious stuff,” He motioned towards a woman in a suit with two police officers by her side. “I’d like to take this time to have a very special friend of Kellin’s come up and say a few words.”

This was me. He was talking about me. My body froze when his gaze landed right where I was sitting. “Vic,” He raised his hand towards my direction, motioning for me to come forward. “Could you?”

I could see what looked like desperation in his eyes. He always knew me so well, knowing that I’d probably chicken out of doing this. And I seriously thought about it. Speaking of Kellin and what he meant to me was only going to destroy me more, but one look at his parents who were sitting on the stage, tears streaming and hands clasped together, I quickly got over that fear and stood up.

“Good luck man.” I heard one of the guys whisper, but I didn’t check to see who it was. I mumbled a quick ‘thank you’ before slowly making my way down the aisle and up towards the stage.

Everyone’s eyes were on me and it was honestly very intimidating. It took everything in me to move one foot in front of the other and not turn and escape out of this horrible room. “For Kellin,” I whispered once I reached the stairs. There were maybe five or six of them, but it seemed like so much more.

One shaky foot in front of the other and I made my way up to the stage. Passing the woman and her two officers and taking a stand in front of the podium. I could barely see over it, my size was something that always got in the way, but it was enough.

My eyes glued to the wooden piece in front of me, afraid to look up at the awaiting crowd. It was an eerie silence, one that only I could put a stop to. So I stood there, straightening my body out and ready to speak only to find the words stuck in my throat. My mouth opened, jaw quivering, but nothing would come out. No, I couldn’t do this. I clenched my eyes shut tight, clutching onto the podium and inhaled. A release washed over me once I took that breath and I looked up at everyone, just scanning the room of students and teachers, friends and family. This was all for him.

After taking in my surroundings, my gaze fell to the back of the room and my heart stopped, the tears coming once more. I swore I saw him standing there, his blue eyes sparkling in the dim light once again. He flashed me a brilliant smile, encouraging me to continue before finally disappearing into whatever unknown he had come from.

It was a little figment of my imagination, but it was that figment that gave me the confidence to finally speak.

“Kellin wasn’t my friend,” I said honestly, shooting a small look at Mr. Barham. I don’t know why he had to use the word “friend”. Everyone knew that Kellin and I had been dating for the past three years. “He wasn’t my friend. He was the love of my life.”

I wanted to run off the stage and rewind to a month ago when Kellin and I were safe in my room, cuddled on my bed just holding each other. I would give absolutely anything to have that back. Anything.

But I couldn’t do that. I had to stay here. I had to tell Kellin’s story. I had to go back to the disaster. “And on Sunday, August 18th, the love of my life was taken from me…at the hands of a drunk driver.”

“Kellin, wait!” I called after him as he rushed out of the restaurant, leaving me behind. “Why are you running so fast? It stopped raining like an hour ago?” My boyfriend just ignored my yelling and ran even faster, jumping in puddles and getting his shoes soaked. Sometimes he could be such a child.

“Yeah, but sometimes after the rain is the best part.” He had a stupid grin on his face, one that always managed to melt my heart and I quickly found myself giving into him.

“Alright, fine.” I shrugged, taking his hand and allowing him to pull me along through the various puddles that lined the streets. It was a cool night, weird for the middle of August, but I wasn’t complaining. The days prior had been some of the hottest we’d experienced and a nice cool down was needed. The air was crisp, quiet, and the sky was inviting, the once fogged Earth now clear and the stars made visible. “Kels, where are we going?” I piped up when he remained silent.

He grinned, ignoring my question at first as he leaned in closer to me. His warm breath tickled my skin, making my hair blow about around my ear. “It’s a surprise,” He whispered, wrapping his arms around my waist and lifting me off of the ground gently.

A tiny squeal escaped me, but I quickly threw my hands over my lips to prevent any future sounds. “Kellin, put me down!” I demanded, playfully slapping him. I wiggled a few times to try and get free of his grasp, even though I didn’t really want to be. I loved when he held me.

“Never,” He murmured, holding me tighter and finally letting me fall to my feet. His arms remained wrapped around me as we tried, and failed, to walk to his car quickly. “I’d say we could continue walking, but I don’t want the monsters to come out and capture us.”

“Monsters? Kellin, how old are you?” I rolled my eyes and waited for him to unlock the door.

“Old enough,” He smirked before sliding into the car. I laughed and followed his actions.

Once inside the vehicle he turned on the radio, letting the music flood through the car. After pressuring me to put on my seat belt he finally began driving away. I always loved watching him drive. There was something about the faces he made that made him seem irresistible, and I meant that in the most innocent way. He was focused, always protecting me and making sure that every move he made was safe.

“Vic, I can feel you looking at me and it’s making me nervous.” He chuckled, flicking the turn signal to make a right at the stoplight.

“Sorry,” I blushed looking away from him. The road he was turning on led to a dead end, which included a small creek with a rock bridge. It was probably one of the quietest and least known places in the area. Kellin and I found it one day when we went exploring for something new to do. Ever since then, when we wanted time for ourselves or just a romantic minute or two, we’d go out there. “The creek? Babe, that isn’t much of a surprise,” I teased him, poking his cheek and laughing when he swatted it away.

He opened his mouth to speak, and that’s when it happened.

One minute Kellin and I were having a conversation and the next his car was being thrown across the road. The details became fuzzy from there, but I could still remember the crash. I could remember the feeling of the car tumbling, the helpless screams coming from both of us and the moment in between when time seemed to freeze. Kellin grabbed onto my hand and he kept saying that he loved me, over and over again. I tried to say it back, but I think I was too nervous; no words were coming out, just a few loud screams. That moment seemed to last forever until we finally collided back onto the ground and I passed out.

I don’t know how long we were there, or what exactly happened, but when I woke up, my whole body ached. Looking around, I was still in a daze, my mind trying to wrap around what just went down and that’s when it came rushing back. We were hit. We were stopped at a light about to turn when a car came slamming into us.

Quickly I tried to gather myself, amazed at the fact that all I had were a couple of scratches. I pushed my body over to Kellin’s side, grabbing for him and sighing in relief when I felt his jacket. “Kellin,” I whispered, yanking on the fabric. “Kellin, are you okay?”

My voice was hoarse and my head hurt a lot, but I was still conscious and I could move. In the distance I heard the sounds of sirens, wondering when they were called. Truthfully we were out in the middle of nowhere and I couldn’t see anyone else in sight. It was just us and the other driver. “Kels, I hear them, they’re coming.” I nudged him again, but he wasn’t moving. “Kellin?” I shook him again, but got no response.

I was panicking now. Why wasn’t he waking up? “Kellin, baby, come on. You have to get up.” My voice was shaky, trembling with fear when he still wouldn’t move. Not a sound was coming from him. Nothing. “Kellin, please… Please wake up.” I cried desperately, my hands grabbing at his face, hair, clothes, whatever I could hold onto. “Don’t do this to me, Kellin. Don’t do this to me!” By now tears were clouding my eyes, I couldn’t see anything anymore. “Please! Kellin!”

The sirens were getting louder, I could tell an ambulance was on its way. Oh God, it needed to get here now. “They’re almost here, Kellin, please, just hold on.” I was able to find his hand, squeezing it for dear life as I waited for the vehicles to approach us.

I heard the cars approach, and people talking and shouting. “Help!” I cried, hoping that they’d hear me. “Please, you have to get my boyfriend!”

The footsteps got closer as did the voices and I felt someone wrap a hand around my leg. “Wait! Get him! Kellin!” I screamed again, trying my best to hold onto him but I couldn’t. They had managed to get me free of the car and I struggled the whole time, putting up a fight because I didn’t want to leave him. “Please,” I pleaded, “Check my boyfriend! You have to get him out!”

“Okay, sir, sir. Calm down, okay? We’re getting him. We need you to get checked out though.” A woman tried to calm me, running a hand up and down my arm. She called over a paramedic, telling them to take me to a bus so I could be checked. I didn’t care about myself, though. I was fine, I knew that. I was worried about Kellin.

The man wrapped me in a blanket and began checking my vitals. The whole time I watched as they tried to get Kellin out of the car, gasping when they finally opened the door. “No,” I whispered, shaking my head furiously. I watched them grab a stretcher, move the door, and remove my boyfriend’s lifeless body from his car.

“Kellin!” I screamed again, running out of the grip the paramedic had on me, collapsing on the ground before I could reach him. My knees hit the ground, my hands grabbed my hair, and I let out a scream loud enough for the people the next town over to hear.

Kellin, the love of my life, was dead.

I was still on stage, tears falling down my face as I shook in my place. As I recalled the story of that night, leaving out details here and there, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. Even people who didn’t know us, or like us, were crying.

“I found out the next day that the man that hit us was intoxicated.” I concluded, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. “Kellin was killed on impact. I managed to walk away with just a few scratches.” I hung my head, almost ashamed at that statement. “I know that this assembly isn’t just for Kellin, but to also warn us of the dangers of drinking and driving.” My eyes flicked to the police officers standing there. “So I just want to say this…”

“Before you get in your car after a party, or wherever you’ve been, please make sure you have a designated driver with you and if you don’t, please don’t get behind the wheel. It is not worth it, at all. I lost the most important person in my life because of someone as careless as that man. I ask that you don’t make the same mistake. If there’s one thing I want people to remember, one mark I want to leave on the world, it’s this: Think before you act. Please don’t drink and drive.”

That was enough, I couldn’t do it anymore. I finished what I had to say and ran off of the stage through the side exit. The cool air hit my face as soon as I stumbled out of the building. My feet carried me as fast as they could to the middle of the parking lot where they finally gave out.

I fell to the gravel, holding my knees to my chest as I cried. “I love you so much, Kellin. I’m so sorry.”

And as the wind enveloped me, catching my hair, I knew it was him, letting me know that he was there.