Too Damn Young

He sat on the end of the dock, his feet in the water, relaxing in a quiet moment before the sun rose. It was something he did every summer on this day. Not always in this place but wherever he was, he thought about it. It was the day he met her.

They had been teenagers, sixteen, and living life as if they were invincible. They were on top of the world and when they met, the connection had been instant. They ended up being inseparable that summer, and the two summers after that. The summer that they were eighteen had been the one he remembered most and sometimes he regretted not coming back the following summer. But he had made new friends at college and spent the summer training with some of his teammates around Boston. He hadn’t been back here since the summer he was eighteen.

He didn’t know if she knew what he was doing now but he knew though where life had taken her. Social media was both a blessing and a curse for this. It was why he found himself back this summer, for the first time in seven years. A lot of time had passed but she had rooted herself in his memories and coming back had brought them all flooding back.

Even now, as the sun broke over the horizon, a memory of her sneaking out of her house and following him down to this dock played in his mind. Even though he hadn’t seen her in years, a crystal clear image of her eighteen year old self flashed before his eyes. There had been so many nights for those three summers where they stayed up late just talking in the moonlight, counting stars, sharing so many of their dreams with one another that he could no longer recall them all. He tried but the ones he remembered most were the ones they had that last summer, after high school graduation but before they started college, full of so many hopes for the future.

Often he found himself recalling his birthday that summer. It was another night that she had snuck out of her house to meet him and on the dock, she had brought him a cupcake with a candle stuck in the center. She had softly sang happy birthday to him after lighting the candle, whispering to him to make a wish before he blew out the candle. She set the cupcake aside and tentatively reached for him, holding his arms tightly as she kissed him.

They had kissed on the end of that dock for what felt like hours. When she pulled away from him, she slowly pulled her tank top from her body. His breath had caught and he fumbled with his own clothes as she had stood and peeled hers from her body. In the moonlight, he traced her tan lines with his fingertips, barely touching her body. In the still of the darkness, they had come together as one.
They hadn’t known exactly what they were doing and it had been her first time, as well as his. But there wasn’t anyone else he wanted it to be with. When it was over, they laid on their backs, their shirts stuffed under their heads as a pillow, and she curled against his side, leaning into him and kissing him. Maybe they just didn’t know better, maybe they were too young, but it felt like it meant forever.

Except it wasn’t forever, not like he had imagined, like they had talked about.

She was getting married.

When he had seen a friend of a friend leave the note of congratulations as it popped up across the newsfeed on his facebook, his stomach had turned and his heart had clenched. He remembered rushing from the room and emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet. His roommate had followed him, asking if he was alright. He had nodded, said everything was fine, even though he knew it wasn’t. He was certain he could feel his heartbreaking, even though he had not seen her in so long.

Now he was back, trying to work up the courage to talk to her, say something, anything, to find out whether he was crazy, whether he had imagined everything he had felt or if she had felt it too. Maybe there was a chance for them, maybe there wasn’t, but he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t try.
He felt her presence before he heard her, before he saw her. The air became charged as he sat on the dock and then he heard the steady thwack of flip flops across the wooden dock. He glanced to his left at her tanned legs as she came to a stop and stood there for several long moments. Finally, she sank down, slipping the flip flops off and letting her feet dangle into the water.

“I heard a rumor you were in town for the summer, Ben Smith.”

He turned to look at her. She was still Isabelle, his Izzy. Her face was the same, her green eyes always searching his. Her honey blonde hair was longer, falling past her shoulders but still with the same sun kissed highlights he remembered from their summers as teenagers. The sun brought out a smattering of freckles across her nose and he desperately wanted to kiss each one. He knew it’d be wrong but the urge was there.

“I had to see you.”

“Why, Ben? Why now? It’s been years.”

“I had to know that you’re happy.”

“John is a very good man.”

“Do you love him?”

“Yes.”

“Do you love me?”

“That was a long time ago.”

“Do you think about me? I think about you, all the time.”

“If you did, then you would’ve come back that next summer, and every summer after that. I moved on. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you here then?”

“I told you; I heard you were here this summer.”

“You sought me out though. Why?”

“Why are you here, Ben?”

“I love you.”

She sighed. “You can’t say things like that,” she said quietly as she looked out over the water.

“You should always say the things that are true.”

“Benny....” she trailed off and shook her head. “I’m getting married tomorrow.”

“I know.”

“Then why would you say that?”

“That I love you?” She nodded. “Because I do Izzy. Because I’m always going to love you. You were my first love; that will never change.”

“We can’t go back.”

“We could. You could move to Chicago, we can start over, have what we were supposed to have.”

“We were kids, Ben. I grew up. You grew up.”

“I grew up but I never stopped loving you. Tell me you don’t love me.”

“I don’t love you, Ben. I love John.”

Ben deflated on her words but he turned to her and grabbed her, pulling her into him and crashing his mouth against hers. Her hands went to his chest and gave him a small push back.

“What are you doing?” she exclaimed.

“I...” He stared at her for several long seconds. “I’m sorry, Izzy. That was uncalled for and wrong.”

“You think?”

“I just thought...”

“What? That you’d kiss me and everything would change? That I’d throw away my whole life for you, when you couldn't even bother to come back here for the summer, for me?” She laughed spitefully. “Our ship sailed a long time ago, Ben. There is no us.” She stood and he gazed up at her. “I don’t know what you expected coming back this summer, but it’s not me, it’s not us. I’m sorry, Ben.” She turned and ran from the dock, disappearing into the early morning.



People buzzed around Izzy Clark but she couldn't snap herself out of her own fog long enough to pay attention to what was going on around her. Someone did her makeup while another person fixed her hair, sweeping it up elegantly before pinning the veil into place on the back of her head. She had some time before she would slip into her dress, too worried she'd somehow manage to stain it or rip it before the ceremony and opting to put it on at the last possible moment. Her best friend Rebecca pulled her from the room thirty minutes before they were to head for the church.

From the window of the bedroom Rebecca had pulled her into, Izzy could see the dock she had sat on with Ben. Sure, he had the same boyishly handsome smile with the dimple that she remembered like it was yesterday but he had filled out considerably in the years since they had been teenagers.

“Are you okay?” Rebecca asked, pulling Izzy from her thoughts. “You seem like you’re elsewhere.”

“Just nerves I guess,” Izzy answered.

“You sure?” Izzy nodded. “This has nothing to do with the rumors about Ben being in town, does it?”

“They aren’t rumors; he’s in town. I saw him yesterday.”

“What?! When? Where?”

“On the dock just before sunrise. He was out there, like we use to those summers.”

“And?”

“He told me he thinks about me, that he loves me.”

“That’s so romantic, Izzy. What did you say?”

“That I love John. That I don’t love him.”

“Do you believe that?”

Izzy sighed heavily. “Of course I do. We’re talking about someone I had a silly crush on as an eighteen year old. I’m a twenty five year old adult.”

“How did he look?”

“Who in the hell gave Ben Smith permission to get better looking? I swear to God his thighs are like tree trunks and his shirt must have been two sizes too small because it looked ready to split right off his perfect fucking chest and those damn arms. How can a white t-shirt look so goddamn sinful?”

Rebecca fanned herself. “Wow...Ben sounds hotter than even I remember. Then again, I saw the pictures from his day with the Stanley Cup and he definitely looked like he was aging well. Even I wanted to take a turn.”

“Rebecca!”

“What? I’m only saying what you’re thinking.”

“I am not thinking about Ben. Yes, Ben is even better looking than when we were teenagers and okay, maybe I had a fleeting thought about what he's like now, if he's gotten better but then I thought about John and I love John, with my everything. John is it for me. I haven't thought about Ben in years; he is my past and him showing up to declare he thinks about me, that he loves me doesn't change that. I loved Ben once but that time is over. This is my future. John is my present and future."

"If that is true then you need to get it together. People are noticing that you aren't all here. I can't explain it away as nerves in the middle of your reception."

"I'm good, Bex. I'm going to marry John and I'm going to have my happy ending. This is what I want."



Ben stood in the window of his old childhood bedroom, looking out over the reception in the backyard next door. He sighed and let the curtain fall back into place.

"Guess that's that," he murmured. A soft knock at the door announced his mother's arrival as she opened the door with a sad smile.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine, Mum."

"It wasn't meant to be, Ben. The girl who is though is still out there. You'll find her one day."

"What if it was Izzy though? What if I ruined my only chance for love?"

"You were young and didn't know better, honey. You've grown up since then, and so did Izzy. It was puppy love. You live and learn from it."

"My heart feels broken."

"I know. It will get better though."

"I know you're right but it doesn't make it hurt any less." She leaned in and hugged her youngest son.

"I made cake. Come have a slice. It'll make you feel better."

"Thanks mum. I'll be down in a little bit." She nodded and left the room, leaving Ben to his thoughts. He walked back to the window and drew back the curtain again. He sought Izzy in her white dress, her veil fluttering in the light breeze as candlelight danced and the moon shine overhead.

"I wish you nothing but happiness, Izzy. I wish I had known then but we were too damn young to know any better." He let the curtain fall back into place and left the room to join his family, and search for his one too.