Without You There Is No Me
1/1
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck
Five years. Five fucking years. That's a long time, filled with pure bliss and happiness. Filled with love and friendship.
But all that was wasted. Honestly, Jack never saw it coming. He just thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with his other, completely happy and nobody could take them out of the bubble that they've been in for so long.
Currently, Jack was sitting on the ground, leaning on the front door of his apartment. The love of his life, Alex, had shown up and all but raised hell at Jack. Saying that he didn't love him, he never did. Saying that he was just using him so he won't be alone. Saying that he found somebody new. Saying he found a girl that he loves.
You can pin point the exact second Jack's life came crashing down before him. His entire world caved in on his feet and now all he is a soulless being, having his heart ripped out and stomped on into the dirt by his lover.
Him and Alex had met in high school, it was freshman year and they had been paired together for a project in English. At first, Jack was weary of the other, but after finding out they had a lot in common they became fast friends. They did everything together, if you wanted Jack, you better expect to have Alex glued to his side. They just clicked instantly and haven't been able to get enough of one another.
They started dating in senior year, after finding out why all their relationships fell through the cracks. They just couldn't stop comparing their significant other to each other. After figuring out what they wanted was each other, it was simply the 'meant to be' life.
Jack had no idea how Alex could have found somebody else. They were still glued to the hip and they were 23. Everything was being questioned in Jack's mind, if Alex actually meant what he said and if this was the complete end for them.
He had no idea how long it's been since Alex left, all he did know was that he was still sitting on the floor, tearing at his hair and crying. He thought him and Alex were perfect for one another. Like, they were made to be together forever. He hoped it all this time. Hell, he wanted to marry him. Officially make him his, with the ring and the ceremony. Show all his co-workers and family the ring he had bought and invite them all to the wedding.
Obviously that wasn't going to happen and Jack felt so empty. His heart hurt, his head hurt, and his emotions were shattered. He knew that from this day on, he would never emotionally be the same. He may not even be physically the same.
Shove everybody's emotions down their throats, despise every single emotion he felt, and just be void of everything. He didn't want to be void of emotions, but honestly he didn't want to feel them. Feel the heartbreak, envy, happiness, sympathy, anything.
He wanted to feel empty. He didn't want to feel anything. Fuck emotions, everything is confusing, everything isn't right, everything inside you just feels wrong. He didn't want to question what he feels, he wanted to know exactly what he was feeling at that exact moment. And as of right now, he didn't want to feel.
Sure, he wasn't thinking when he had done it, but when he stood up and walked down to his bathroom he knew this was the exact solution to not feel anymore. When he started to fill the tub, he felt equally numb. When he looked at the small metal object in his hand, the object that could stop the emotions running through his body, he felt numb. He just all around felt numb, nothing mattered without Alex. Nothing made sense.
He loved Alex, he gave everything away just to be with Alex, he physically and emotionally gave everything away to Alex. And in the end, Alex threw it back in his face as if he never had it. That was probably the most heartbreaking thing about the whole thing. Alex was his rock and he always had been, if he was sad, Alex would climb into his room just to be with him so he doesn't do anything stupid in his fit of rage when they were younger, but as they grew older Alex had lived with Jack and he was always there. Alex had become distant lately and said he was staying with a friend for a little bit, just to hang with them. That was why Alex came over to Jack's house instead of just living there.
Alex was his best friend, lover, boyfriend, his world. He didn't want that to end, but Alex did and shoved everything into Jack's hands without a second thought and stalked away to leave Jack on his own. He wouldn't have Alex like he used to, he probably most likely never will. Alex wasn't his anymore, even after all that they went through. They went through everything together, not just one ahead of the other, they both faced it head on.
When the tub was finally full, Jack's mind was everywhere. At Alex, his lifeline, his everything, soulmate. Just all about AlexAlexAlex. Questions left unanswered, words left unsaid, past experiences remembered. He remembered everything about their relationship. Their first kiss, the first time they met, when they figured out all they needed was each other, the first time they actually had sex. Jack remembered it all.
Alex was probably at home with his girlfriend. Jack had remembered how much Alex disliked girls, how when Alex had told him that he was gay and expected Jack to leave and never return, he also remembered how Alex had hugged him so tight when Jack promised he wasn't going anywhere.
Jack smiled a bit as he looked at the object in his hand. It reflected the light in the bathroom and Jack softly pulled his thumb across the razor and tested how sharp it was. After getting a small cut on his thumb and a small hiss of pain from himself, he knew it was really fucking sharp.
If he wasn't a honest man, he would have said that Alex wasn't the cause of this, but truth be told, he was. He wasn't going to blame it on the world, though. Sure Jack despised the world, but he wasn't going to hold all the blame to it, make up some lame ass excuse so people don't know what really happened between him and Alex. But, he wasn't going to cover Alex's tracks, his entire world was Alex and if he lost that, he would never want to experience anything. And sadly, he had lost his lifeline.
Jack was still crying, even harder then before. He put the razor down on the counter and walked over to the mirror, trying to point out what exactly was wrong with him and what made his love leave.
Jack stared at himself for long moments, looking at his five o'clock shadow, the messy two toned hair that was recently styled to perfection but messed up in a fit of rage. Looking at his deep brown doe eyes that Alex had always said he loved about him, and his stupid too big nose. He always questioned why Alex had picked him and stuck around for so long, but all good things come to an end eventually, right?
Alex was better off without him, he always thought so. Alex was fine on his own, not having to deal with the childness that is Jack Barakat. But in all honesty, him and Alex were basically the same person, they had so much in common and did the same things together. Their relationship was inevitable and at the time, was thought to last forever.
Jack watched the tears come out faster as he teared harshly at his hair and sobbed loudly. He felt insane, he didn't feel right. All you could hear were the loud screams and choked out sobs, most people turned a blind eye and paid no attention to Jack as he felt his world end.
Jack had ran out of the room and grabbed a large sharpie, when he returned he faced the mirror, uncapped the sharpie and started to write on the mirror. He hadn't stopped crying, Jack didn't know he had so many tears, he's been crying since Alex left, just never-ending tears came down his face.
After dropping the sharpie and falling to the floor next to the bathtub, rocking back and forth for a bit, he finally stood up, walked over to the counter that held the small razor, he picked it up and walked back to the bathtub. He didn't bother with anything, just slowly sliding in and sitting at the very end. His legs spread out in front of him as he brought his hand that was holding the razor up to his face.
He never really thought he'd end up like this, so empty and numb. He didn't think he and Alex were going to end, they were going to grow old together and chase the band dream they always had. Maybe tour with Green Day, Fall Out Boy, or Blink-182. They were fanboy dreams, but they were possible.
Jack wanted to be remembered for something great, but after everything he just wanted to be with Alex.
As he choked out more sobs, he looked around him. He had done a lot of damaged in the bathroom, along with the whole apartment. He had punched some holes in walls, which resulted in a throbbing fist, that didn't faze him at all though. He welcomed the pain, he wanted to feel it.
As he stared down at the razor, he had thought if this was the right thing to do. But it seemed like a dumb question, of course it was. The fabric of his being had been ripped away with the man he loved for so long. He didn't want to live anymore, living without Alex on his side seemed sinful and Jack didn't want to deal with it. Seeing Alex happy without him. Jack knew he wouldn't be able to love another without Alex, he was the one Jack wanted. Jack only loved Alex, he only lusted for Alex. Alex was his one and only, and without him seemed meaningless.
Nothing mattered without Alex, and nothing ever will.
With that final thought, he took the razor and pushed it into his left wrist. It stung like a bitch, Jack could give you that. This isn't how Jack meant it to be, he promised that he wasn't going to fall apart. He promised Alex that he loved him from the start, but Alex had pushed that in Jack's face without a second thought.
He kept the blade vertically on his left arm, started from his wrist up until mid-elbow length. He watched the blood drip into the water and turn it slightly pink, he watched the blood gush from his wound with fascination. He thought it was beautiful, as sick as that sounded. He smiled a bit as his vision danced with darkness. He welcomed it, he couldn't wait for it to end.
For without Alex, why the fuck should it matter?
---
It's been four days since Alex had walked out on Jack. Alex has never felt more vulnerable, he hasn't heard from Jack at all and he felt like such a dick. He knew Jack didn't have anyone, all Jack had was Alex.
He didn't think twice about jumping in his car and going towards Jack's home.
But when he got there, he knocked on the door a few times and even pleaded Jack to come out. He saw Jack's car in the parking lot so it wasn't like he wasn't home. After a few more knocks he opened the door to find it was unlocked.
When he entered, he saw the whole entire apartment trashed, holes in walls, shattered picture frames of him and Jack. Everything was destroyed. He slowly walked around, taking everything in. He couldn't believe he caused this, the truth was, Alex loved every fiber of Jack's being. He didn't hate Jack, he didn't have a girlfriend, he didn't have anything. He just thought it might be better, sure he could have worded everything better but he thought that if Jack thought he hated him, Jack could go out and find somebody else.
After pausing at a picture of them both that was on the wall, he looked down the hallway and noticed the bathroom light was on. Every light was turned off except for the bathroom. It unnerved Alex a bit and he slowly walked towards it. He knocked and called out Jack's name, no response.
Now this, scared the fuck out of Alex. He tried to open the door but it was locked from the inside and that was when the internal panic set in.
When he finally got it bursting open from kicking the door in, he regretted every single thing he had done.
He saw Jack, lying in the bath water tinged pink and a razor in his right hand that was hanging off the edge. He ran to his body and scooped him up out of the bath, just hoping he was alive, but he noticed the clothes he was wearing were the exact clothes he was wearing when Alex broke up with him.
Sobs were echoing in the room, as he desperately clung to his boyfriend. He buried his head in Jack's neck and cried.
He looked up after awhile and noticed that on the mirror Jack had written something, he didn't know if he intended for Alex to find him like this or he did it just because. He stood up, carefully laying Jack's body upright against the tub and looked into the mirror.
Sometimes people are born for each other.
---
*Three years later*
It was June 18, 2013 and Alex was walking through the cemetery looking for a tombstone that held his world. When he finally found it, he sat down in front of it and stroked the headstone softly.
Jack Barakat - Musician, son, and lover
June 18, 1988 - March 23, 2010
Alex let a tear slip as he whispered out "Happy birthday, Jacky," and let his head hang as he cried softly.
He never looked at anybody since Jack and he never planned to. His heart belonged to Jack, and Jack only. He rested his head on the tombstone, trying to choke out words but all they came out to be were choked sobs.
"I love you so much, I'm so sorry."
Just like before, I should have told you again. That I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry...
Five years. Five fucking years. That's a long time, filled with pure bliss and happiness. Filled with love and friendship.
But all that was wasted. Honestly, Jack never saw it coming. He just thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with his other, completely happy and nobody could take them out of the bubble that they've been in for so long.
Currently, Jack was sitting on the ground, leaning on the front door of his apartment. The love of his life, Alex, had shown up and all but raised hell at Jack. Saying that he didn't love him, he never did. Saying that he was just using him so he won't be alone. Saying that he found somebody new. Saying he found a girl that he loves.
You can pin point the exact second Jack's life came crashing down before him. His entire world caved in on his feet and now all he is a soulless being, having his heart ripped out and stomped on into the dirt by his lover.
Him and Alex had met in high school, it was freshman year and they had been paired together for a project in English. At first, Jack was weary of the other, but after finding out they had a lot in common they became fast friends. They did everything together, if you wanted Jack, you better expect to have Alex glued to his side. They just clicked instantly and haven't been able to get enough of one another.
They started dating in senior year, after finding out why all their relationships fell through the cracks. They just couldn't stop comparing their significant other to each other. After figuring out what they wanted was each other, it was simply the 'meant to be' life.
Jack had no idea how Alex could have found somebody else. They were still glued to the hip and they were 23. Everything was being questioned in Jack's mind, if Alex actually meant what he said and if this was the complete end for them.
He had no idea how long it's been since Alex left, all he did know was that he was still sitting on the floor, tearing at his hair and crying. He thought him and Alex were perfect for one another. Like, they were made to be together forever. He hoped it all this time. Hell, he wanted to marry him. Officially make him his, with the ring and the ceremony. Show all his co-workers and family the ring he had bought and invite them all to the wedding.
Obviously that wasn't going to happen and Jack felt so empty. His heart hurt, his head hurt, and his emotions were shattered. He knew that from this day on, he would never emotionally be the same. He may not even be physically the same.
Shove everybody's emotions down their throats, despise every single emotion he felt, and just be void of everything. He didn't want to be void of emotions, but honestly he didn't want to feel them. Feel the heartbreak, envy, happiness, sympathy, anything.
He wanted to feel empty. He didn't want to feel anything. Fuck emotions, everything is confusing, everything isn't right, everything inside you just feels wrong. He didn't want to question what he feels, he wanted to know exactly what he was feeling at that exact moment. And as of right now, he didn't want to feel.
Sure, he wasn't thinking when he had done it, but when he stood up and walked down to his bathroom he knew this was the exact solution to not feel anymore. When he started to fill the tub, he felt equally numb. When he looked at the small metal object in his hand, the object that could stop the emotions running through his body, he felt numb. He just all around felt numb, nothing mattered without Alex. Nothing made sense.
He loved Alex, he gave everything away just to be with Alex, he physically and emotionally gave everything away to Alex. And in the end, Alex threw it back in his face as if he never had it. That was probably the most heartbreaking thing about the whole thing. Alex was his rock and he always had been, if he was sad, Alex would climb into his room just to be with him so he doesn't do anything stupid in his fit of rage when they were younger, but as they grew older Alex had lived with Jack and he was always there. Alex had become distant lately and said he was staying with a friend for a little bit, just to hang with them. That was why Alex came over to Jack's house instead of just living there.
Alex was his best friend, lover, boyfriend, his world. He didn't want that to end, but Alex did and shoved everything into Jack's hands without a second thought and stalked away to leave Jack on his own. He wouldn't have Alex like he used to, he probably most likely never will. Alex wasn't his anymore, even after all that they went through. They went through everything together, not just one ahead of the other, they both faced it head on.
When the tub was finally full, Jack's mind was everywhere. At Alex, his lifeline, his everything, soulmate. Just all about AlexAlexAlex. Questions left unanswered, words left unsaid, past experiences remembered. He remembered everything about their relationship. Their first kiss, the first time they met, when they figured out all they needed was each other, the first time they actually had sex. Jack remembered it all.
Alex was probably at home with his girlfriend. Jack had remembered how much Alex disliked girls, how when Alex had told him that he was gay and expected Jack to leave and never return, he also remembered how Alex had hugged him so tight when Jack promised he wasn't going anywhere.
Jack smiled a bit as he looked at the object in his hand. It reflected the light in the bathroom and Jack softly pulled his thumb across the razor and tested how sharp it was. After getting a small cut on his thumb and a small hiss of pain from himself, he knew it was really fucking sharp.
If he wasn't a honest man, he would have said that Alex wasn't the cause of this, but truth be told, he was. He wasn't going to blame it on the world, though. Sure Jack despised the world, but he wasn't going to hold all the blame to it, make up some lame ass excuse so people don't know what really happened between him and Alex. But, he wasn't going to cover Alex's tracks, his entire world was Alex and if he lost that, he would never want to experience anything. And sadly, he had lost his lifeline.
Jack was still crying, even harder then before. He put the razor down on the counter and walked over to the mirror, trying to point out what exactly was wrong with him and what made his love leave.
Jack stared at himself for long moments, looking at his five o'clock shadow, the messy two toned hair that was recently styled to perfection but messed up in a fit of rage. Looking at his deep brown doe eyes that Alex had always said he loved about him, and his stupid too big nose. He always questioned why Alex had picked him and stuck around for so long, but all good things come to an end eventually, right?
Alex was better off without him, he always thought so. Alex was fine on his own, not having to deal with the childness that is Jack Barakat. But in all honesty, him and Alex were basically the same person, they had so much in common and did the same things together. Their relationship was inevitable and at the time, was thought to last forever.
Jack watched the tears come out faster as he teared harshly at his hair and sobbed loudly. He felt insane, he didn't feel right. All you could hear were the loud screams and choked out sobs, most people turned a blind eye and paid no attention to Jack as he felt his world end.
Jack had ran out of the room and grabbed a large sharpie, when he returned he faced the mirror, uncapped the sharpie and started to write on the mirror. He hadn't stopped crying, Jack didn't know he had so many tears, he's been crying since Alex left, just never-ending tears came down his face.
After dropping the sharpie and falling to the floor next to the bathtub, rocking back and forth for a bit, he finally stood up, walked over to the counter that held the small razor, he picked it up and walked back to the bathtub. He didn't bother with anything, just slowly sliding in and sitting at the very end. His legs spread out in front of him as he brought his hand that was holding the razor up to his face.
He never really thought he'd end up like this, so empty and numb. He didn't think he and Alex were going to end, they were going to grow old together and chase the band dream they always had. Maybe tour with Green Day, Fall Out Boy, or Blink-182. They were fanboy dreams, but they were possible.
Jack wanted to be remembered for something great, but after everything he just wanted to be with Alex.
As he choked out more sobs, he looked around him. He had done a lot of damaged in the bathroom, along with the whole apartment. He had punched some holes in walls, which resulted in a throbbing fist, that didn't faze him at all though. He welcomed the pain, he wanted to feel it.
As he stared down at the razor, he had thought if this was the right thing to do. But it seemed like a dumb question, of course it was. The fabric of his being had been ripped away with the man he loved for so long. He didn't want to live anymore, living without Alex on his side seemed sinful and Jack didn't want to deal with it. Seeing Alex happy without him. Jack knew he wouldn't be able to love another without Alex, he was the one Jack wanted. Jack only loved Alex, he only lusted for Alex. Alex was his one and only, and without him seemed meaningless.
Nothing mattered without Alex, and nothing ever will.
With that final thought, he took the razor and pushed it into his left wrist. It stung like a bitch, Jack could give you that. This isn't how Jack meant it to be, he promised that he wasn't going to fall apart. He promised Alex that he loved him from the start, but Alex had pushed that in Jack's face without a second thought.
He kept the blade vertically on his left arm, started from his wrist up until mid-elbow length. He watched the blood drip into the water and turn it slightly pink, he watched the blood gush from his wound with fascination. He thought it was beautiful, as sick as that sounded. He smiled a bit as his vision danced with darkness. He welcomed it, he couldn't wait for it to end.
For without Alex, why the fuck should it matter?
---
It's been four days since Alex had walked out on Jack. Alex has never felt more vulnerable, he hasn't heard from Jack at all and he felt like such a dick. He knew Jack didn't have anyone, all Jack had was Alex.
He didn't think twice about jumping in his car and going towards Jack's home.
But when he got there, he knocked on the door a few times and even pleaded Jack to come out. He saw Jack's car in the parking lot so it wasn't like he wasn't home. After a few more knocks he opened the door to find it was unlocked.
When he entered, he saw the whole entire apartment trashed, holes in walls, shattered picture frames of him and Jack. Everything was destroyed. He slowly walked around, taking everything in. He couldn't believe he caused this, the truth was, Alex loved every fiber of Jack's being. He didn't hate Jack, he didn't have a girlfriend, he didn't have anything. He just thought it might be better, sure he could have worded everything better but he thought that if Jack thought he hated him, Jack could go out and find somebody else.
After pausing at a picture of them both that was on the wall, he looked down the hallway and noticed the bathroom light was on. Every light was turned off except for the bathroom. It unnerved Alex a bit and he slowly walked towards it. He knocked and called out Jack's name, no response.
Now this, scared the fuck out of Alex. He tried to open the door but it was locked from the inside and that was when the internal panic set in.
When he finally got it bursting open from kicking the door in, he regretted every single thing he had done.
He saw Jack, lying in the bath water tinged pink and a razor in his right hand that was hanging off the edge. He ran to his body and scooped him up out of the bath, just hoping he was alive, but he noticed the clothes he was wearing were the exact clothes he was wearing when Alex broke up with him.
Sobs were echoing in the room, as he desperately clung to his boyfriend. He buried his head in Jack's neck and cried.
He looked up after awhile and noticed that on the mirror Jack had written something, he didn't know if he intended for Alex to find him like this or he did it just because. He stood up, carefully laying Jack's body upright against the tub and looked into the mirror.
Sometimes people are born for each other.
---
*Three years later*
It was June 18, 2013 and Alex was walking through the cemetery looking for a tombstone that held his world. When he finally found it, he sat down in front of it and stroked the headstone softly.
Jack Barakat - Musician, son, and lover
June 18, 1988 - March 23, 2010
Alex let a tear slip as he whispered out "Happy birthday, Jacky," and let his head hang as he cried softly.
He never looked at anybody since Jack and he never planned to. His heart belonged to Jack, and Jack only. He rested his head on the tombstone, trying to choke out words but all they came out to be were choked sobs.
"I love you so much, I'm so sorry."
Just like before, I should have told you again. That I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry...