Heartkiller

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

It was Tuesday afternoon, which meant it was time for therapy. Ville took the elevator down and was about to leave the building when he some paper sticking out of a mailbox caught his eye. It was the only thing that faltered the image of the otherwise perfect Manhattan skyscraper’s lobby. He walked over to it and realized the mailbox belonged to him; he fiddled through his keys until he got to the one he thought belonged to the mailbox. Opening it, Ville caught the mail that fell out of the overstuffed box; it was an armful, and Ville decided to take it back up to the apartment to avoid having to lug it around to the appointment.

On his way, he sifted through the pile and separated the junk from the important letters. He walked into the apartment and set the mail on the dining table. There were a few things for him, but most of the mail was addressed to Avery. Amongst the pile were several bill payment reminders, which he kept aside for him to address when he returned from the therapist's office. There was one letter from her law firm that caught his eye, and he opened it to find a check. Quickly skimming through the details, he saw that everything was normal. When he read the amount, however, Ville’s jaw dropped agape.

“Holy shit.” he whispered.

Ville stared with his eyes blinking as he tried to absorb the information. It was absolutely surreal. He held the check up to the light to look for a watermark; perhaps the check had been a fake. That was the only explanation he could think of after seeing the piece of paper granting him $2.3 million. The attached letter didn’t help much; it merely stated the amount along with some administrative information. He fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed the number for the only person he thought could help explain this to him.

“Hello, Sterling-Ellis, Stanton’s office. This is Paige speaking, how may I help you?”

“Hey! Paige, it’s Ville. I need your help clearing something up for me.” he said nervously.

“Yeah, just give me one second. I have to put you on hold; I have another call.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure.”

Ville paced in the living room with his phone in one hand and the check in the other. No matter how long he stared, he couldn’t believe his eyes. Where was this money coming from? What was it for?

“Ville, you there?” Paige came back on the line.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I-I just got a, um, a check for a ridiculous amount of money from the firm. Well, technically, Avery received the money.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I’m just really clueless as to what this is for. I mean, this is--this is a lot of money...”

“How much is it?”

“A little over 2 million.”

“Oh, that. I think that should be her cut from her last case.” Paige said nonchalantly, as if it wasn’t as big a deal as it clearly was.

“What do you mean?”

“She was working a lawsuit for... well, I can’t really tell you whom it was on behalf of, but the point is, she ended up settling. The other party paid, and the firm gets 10%. Usually she gets 20% of the firm's cut, but I think since this was her last case, the firm gave her the entire 10%.”

“And this just happens all the time?”

“When she wins... which is often, so yes. How were you not aware of this before?”

“I don’t spend money often, and Avery took care of the bills in New York…” he quickly explained.

"Yeah, but didn't you notice deposits for large amounts?"

"We have a joint account, but I don’t really look at the balance or anything since Ave handled everything... This is crazy. I can’t take his money!”

“Actually, you can. It’s yours. Especially if it’s to your joint account. That’s definitely yours to keep.”

“This is insane, Paige. I-I can’t. Do you... do you want it?”

Paige hesitated a few moments before answering. “As tempting as it sounds, I’m gonna have to decline. It wouldn’t be right. It’s your money, Ville. Don’t feel so bad.”

“Um, I- well-...yeah, okay.”

“Okay, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later?”

“Yeah, sure.” Ville replied and hung up.

He leaned against the couch in a daze. He looked at the check again and reviewed the details once more to make sure it wasn’t a mistake. No matter how hard he looked, he couldn’t find anything out of place. The check was definitely authentic, and it was addressed to Avery, meaning the money was his by default. He shook his head in disbelief. Ville decided to put the check in a safe place for now; there was no way he had the stomach to deposit it right away.

He went to his bedroom and put the check between the pages of a book on his shelf. After returning the book to its place, he stood and paused a moment to debate moving it to a different location. Deciding against it, he took his keys and made his way back down to the streets in order to be prompt for his therapist appointment.

On his way, he smoked a cigarette to calm himself. Ville was aware of Avery’s family estate; her family was rich. They had a house in the Hamptons, a beach house in Malibu, and a cabin in Aspen. Avery had made it clear early in her relationship with Ville that she was trying to make a name for herself without using her family for street cred; she tried to distance herself from her family as much as she could, professionally speaking. Avery had made her passion for the law very clear, so he never thought about how lucrative her career could be. Seeing the amount on the check didn’t invalidate this passion Avery had had for law; it only caught him by surprise. This was a lot of money.

He decided not to bring up the day’s events to Dr. Ashbury. After his conversation with Bam the other day, Ville decided against being forthcoming with the therapist. He would give it some more time to succeed, but if he wasn’t making any progress soon, he would stop with the appointments. If this was a scam, revealing the fact that he was in possession of (at least) $2.3 million may provoke the “doctor” to charging him more money for the sessions. As a result, he decided to keep quiet about the check.

When he reached the therapist's office, Ville opened the front door and walked inside. In the craze of the mail, Ville had run a little late and was already 10 minutes into the hour. David, the receptionist, looked up to see Ville walk in.

"Hey, I was just about to call you. She's waiting inside for you." He informed Ville.

"K, thanks." He replied and opened the door to the private session.

When he walked inside, Dr. Ashbury was at her desk running through some paperwork. At the sound of the door opening, she looked up and took off her reading glasses.

“Hello, Ville. I was starting to think you were going to show up.”

“Yeah, sorry. There was--there was a big crowd outside and I just got caught up in it. Traffic was crazy.”

“That’s New York.” she chuckled. “Take a seat.”

Ville returned to his place on the plush seat while Dr. Ashbury got her memo pad and his file, joining him in the seat across from him. She took a moment to run through the details of their last meeting and to refresh her memory. Once satisfied, she looked up at him.

“Last time, you told me about your decision to go to rehab. Do you remember what we talked about?”

“You said that I need to start living my life for myself again. Become independent.”

“Right, and did you do take any steps to do that?”

“I went to the grocery store. I cooked a meal for myself.” he admitted. “Does that count?”

“It certainly does… Good, that’s good. How are you doing today?”

“I’m… getting there, bit by bit. I’m trying my best to get through each day.”

“You have to take it one step at a time. Grieving, like I’ve said before, is a process and it takes time. You can’t expect to make leaps and bounds of progress in a short amount of time. Going to the grocery store, cooking your own meals… these are all good steps to be taking. I’m glad to hear it.” she encouraged and made a few small notes in her book. “So now we’ve talked about how you met, how it was to meet her parents, your decision to attend rehab, and how it was for her to meet your parents. These are all good beginning stages of a relationship.”

“It wasn’t always good.” Ville paused, and she signaled for him to continue. “After the first few months, after what people call the honeymoon stage of a relationship, we started to fight a lot.”

“Fight about what?”

“How hard it was not to see each other, mostly. My schedule was as busy as ever, especially once our Venus Doom album was released, so I was always away. Before, when I was recording, she could come and visit every once in a while or we would at least speak on the phone. Now that I was doing promotion and touring, it was harder and harder to reach each other.”

“Because of the odd hours?” Dr. Ashbury asked.

“Yeah, but also, whenever I had the chance to relax, I needed time to rest. You know, before, the alcohol was what was getting me through and when I passed out from drinking, I slept like a baby. I was like an Energizer bunny, you know, just running around handling everything.”

“What changed now that you were sober?”

“Now I needed to sleep properly at regular hours, which I didn’t have much of. I would be taking naps between interviews or gigs or whatever.” he said.

“You were also touring in the months before the album’s release, as far as I understood.”

“Yeah, but back then, the shows weren’t as packed together, and it was only the occasional interview. Now I was trying to talk about the album as much as possible in interviews and still performing at my best at the shows. I mean, when I was on stage, I didn’t really feel the exhaustion. I fed off the crowd’s energy and it really sent me on a high. I’d say they were some of my best shows, when I was sober.”

“And now, how did this affect your relationship?” Dr. Ashbury directed, bringing the conversation back to Avery.

“Before the album, like I said, I had more time and she and I could talk and Skype and she would visit or whatever. After the album, I had less and less free time to do those things. It made us fight partly because I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t come visit. In retrospect, I had actually been quite ignorant.”

“How did these fights culminate? How did you move past this?”

“We broke up for a time. We decided that it probably wasn’t the best relationship if we couldn’t make time for each other, no matter how much I loved her or she loved me.” he muttered, embarrassed as the fight wasn’t one of his better moments.

“When was that?”

“Briefly…” he took a moment to recall when it had happened “I think, in the holiday season of 2007/08.”

“What happened?”

“We had been dating for a little over a year, and we had had a huge fight, mostly a misunderstanding. But I overreacted and broke it off.” Ville groaned and rolled his eyes. “I was so stupid.”

December 17, 2007

It had been almost two weeks since the two had spoken. Avery was busy with a high-profile case, and Ville was on tour. Normally, this wouldn't be an issue, but it was almost New Year's Eve and it didn't seem like they were going to be able to spend it together. Missing major holidays was starting to take a toll on the relationship. Ville's career required him to travel, and, although it had been an issue with past girlfriends, it didn't strain the relationship as much as it did the current one. Maybe it was because they weren't able to spend much time together when Ville had been home. Maybe it was because past girlfriends had been able to fly out to see him wherever he was. Maybe it was because the love was stronger. Regardless, it had become a problem.

The couple didn't expect much for the holidays. They wanted nothing more than to be in each other's company because that was the best present they could expect. That was the hardest part, however. The two had such hectic schedules, especially due to the recent release of Venus Doom in September, that it was hard to maintain solid communication. If they had been more materialistic, perhaps it would have been easier and simpler. A present shipped across the world could have been comforting enough; it would be certainly much easier than finding time to speak to each other. With Avery's late nights and Ville's travel schedule, a phone call at a convenient time was near impossible.

Avery was still at the office around midnight working on the case when he called her Blackberry. It was inconvenient; Ville had just finished a show and should have been sleeping in order to be ready for the early morning interviews, but he didn't care. They hadn’t spoken in two weeks and he missed the sound of her voice. Avery missed him, too; right now, though, wasn’t the best time to speaking to him. She was calculating her next move and gauging the best decision for her client, and the sudden disruption of her cellphone’s ringtone interrupted her thought process. Annoyed, she answered the phone in a huff without looking at the caller ID.

"What?"

"Hello to you, too." Ville said sarcastically.

She softened at the sound of his voice.

"I'm sorry, babe. I was working and you just-- you caught me off-guard, that's all. What's up?"

"Nothing much. I just called to see how you were. Busy and stressed, I presume."

"You can say that again. I'm swamped, Ville; I have this big report due for the partner meeting in two days, but I’m not even ready to start writing it yet. And this case is just--Someone is suing my client for sexual harassment in the workplace because it violated her religious beliefs, and there's just so many factors at play here. I don’t know how to approach this. There's the moral injustice of it all and there's the law. The two don't necessarily coincide all the time, and my mind is so burnt out to even think anymore.”

"So, I suppose you won't be able to fly in for New Year's, then?" he asked without acknowledging the difficulty of the case.

There was no disappointment in his voice. He was emotionally drained after performing every night, and this dilemma wasn't helping. All he wanted to do was talk to her, but he didn’t like her tone. Avery was stressed out and drained, as drained as he was. Neither had the energy to excuse the partner’s behavior. At this point, he had come to accept the circumstances. He already knew the answer to his question, but he needed to confirm just in case.

"I'm sorry, but no. I'll probably still be working that night. I won't have court, but I'll definitely have things to take care of at the office."

"Yeah, yeah. I know." He muttered.

"Don't be so flippant, Ville! My hands are tied." She raised her voice.

"I'm not trying to be. I just don't understand why you can't make time for me. It doesn’t make sense as to why you won't make time for me."

"You think I like not being able to talk to you? Like it’s a choice? I love you and it hurts not to be able to see you or to talk to you, but I'm working! I can’t just get up and leave at the drop of a hat. What do you want from me?"

"I want you to try. I want you to make an effort. It doesn't seem to bother you that we haven't seen each other, and you don't want to do anything to change that. I know you can be a little apathetic sometimes, but you can't be as callous as you seem."

"How dare you say that? You know that I care about you! You know what? If it really bothers you that much, why don't you fly out here to see me?"

"Because I'm on tour! By the time I reach New York, I'll need to be in a different city in the middle of an interview. This is my job!"

"Right, and this is mine! It's important. If I don't do my job, people get in trouble with the law, go to jail, and lose lots of money. There are major consequences. If you don't do yours, what's the big deal? Somebody doesn't get their big 'scoop' about your love life, people lose money, and some fans gets upset. It doesn’t seem like that much of an issue." she said rudely.

"I can't believe you."

"Me? What about you? You basically said that I need to drop everything and come see you just because you miss me. I have responsibilities here! People rely on me!"

"And people don't rely on me?"

"I'm just saying, if you didn't show up, the only thing that will happen is a bunch of twelve-year-olds will throw a hissy fit. Big fucking deal." She dismissed.

Avery had a tendency to speak in anger to prove a point. She would say anything so as not to lose an argument without regard for anybody's feelings. Blessing and a curse, being an attorney. Had she been in a better mood, Avery would not have said those things because she didn’t mean them. Of course, the exhaustion was wearing away at her inhibitions and she simply spat out the first thing that came to mind. Ville had been understanding of her loose lips in the past. Right now, however, his judgment was impaired by many things: the tour, the time since they had last spoken, and Avery's seeming disregard for him. He couldn't take it anymore.

"I can't do this with you." He admitted.

"Yeah, yeah, you’re right.” She sighed. “I’ll call you another time. We’ll be calmer and we can talk things out--”

"No... I can't do this anymore... I don’t think we should - I'm done... We're done." he said helplessly.

Suddenly, Avery backpedaled and her breath caught in her throat. Almost immediately, her eyes welled with tears at the thought of losing him. He couldn’t possibly mean what she thought he was saying. Did he really want to give up on this? Did Ville want to give up on her? Her mind reeled at the idea, and she found her hands shaking.

"What?" she sputtered.

"I can't put in this much effort for someone who doesn't want to do the same. I can’t. It's just not worth it.”

Although what Ville meant was that he could no longer be in a relationship that was emotionally draining him, all Avery heard was that she wasn’t worth it. It was her deepest insecurity being fleshed out again and she sat at her desk in shock. She was crying softly and sniffled, but Ville couldn’t hear anything over the phone. She didn’t say anything--she didn’t know what she could say to change his mind--so he continued.

“I'll, uh, I'll come pick up my stuff and move out in a few weeks when I get back to New York."

"O-okay." Avery whispered.

“Bye.” Ville said and hung up.

She didn't know what else to say. She was caught by surprise, and for the first time in a long while, she was speechless. Avery took a moment to settle into her seat and sighed; she let the break-up news set in. In a matter of a single conversation, her first happy relationship in almost 8 years was cut short. It was like someone pulled the rug out from underneath her, and her stomach lurched forward in uneasiness. Avery hesitantly put her Blackberry on the desk and sat back in her seat; her face was etched with shock at the turn of events. She never meant for this to happen; she never wanted to give up. Ville meant the world to her, and now he had removed himself from her life as quickly as he had entered it.

Giving herself only a few minutes, she quickly sat up and flipped through another file. She couldn't afford to be distracted now because a client's life was on the line. As much as the news pained her, she couldn’t let it overpower her in this moment because of her responsibilities to others. Avery, ever the workaholic, took the negative energy and focused on her work. She didn’t know what else to do.

Ville was also upset. He accepted what he had done but he didn’t like having to do it. He wished there was a better solution to it so that the two could have worked things out and stayed together. In order to deal with the emotions, he did what he did best: Ville performed. His shows were the best they had been since he got sober; all the happiness and joy in his life and been replaced by feelings of emptiness and loss. Ville channeled these emotions during his performances and the stage became a viable center for release. He felt at home with a mic in his hand and the fans singing lyrics with him.

For a full two weeks of shows, playing the music had been enough. He was slowly but surely trying to move past the relationship. It had been difficult because he didn’t want to let go, but he was trying his best to pull through. There were people who depended on him. Contrary to what Avery had said, many jobs held on the balance of Ville’s well-being and his performance: the band, the fans, the crew that set up the shows. He couldn’t just walk away from it all, like Avery had suggested.

On Christmas morning, Ville sat in his hotel room. He had the day off today and wasn’t planning on getting out much. He had a plethora of books that he had been meaning to read, and he wanted to make a dent in reading at least a couple of them. He took a shower and got into the bed in his sweats with a book. Ville’s wet hair dripped around so he took a hairtie to put it in a bun and keep it out of his face. Just as he found a comfortable position to sit in, someone knocked on his bedroom door. Ville groaned. He got up and went to the door; looking through the keyhole, he saw Jonas, the tour manager. Confused as to why he was here to see him on the day off, Ville opened the door.

“Hey, what are you doing here?”

“Hey, I have something for you.” Jonas greeted and handed him a small package.

“You got me a present?” Ville asked and knit his eyebrows.

“Oh, no, no,” Jonas laughed. “It’s from your girlfriend. Er- well, ex-girlfriend, I guess now. She gave it to me before the tour started and told me not to give it to you until Christmas. I was under strict orders.”

“Oh.” Ville stared at the package in his hands. “Okay, well, thanks for that.”

“Yeah, no problem. See ya.” Jonas said and left.

Ville closed the door behind him using his foot and made his way to the bed. He sat at the edge of the mattress and looked at the gift. It was wrapped in a colorful Christmas giftwrap with a small white note taped to the front. The package was very light and not very big; from what he could tell, it felt rather soft. A shirt or something, maybe? Ville first read the attached note:

Ville -
I know we’re not one to celebrate holidays with presents, but I couldn’t help myself with this. With you gone for what should be about 8 weeks now, I wanted you to have something to show how much I love and miss you. You must know that the past year and a half that I’ve known and been with you have been amazing, and this is but a small token of my appreciation for having you in my life. Don't ask me how I got my hands on it. I just know a guy who owes me a couple favors. I wish I was there to see you open this! Merry Christmas!

Love you my darling,
Ave

He carefully opened the package and ripped off the gift wrap to find an original copy of one of Edgar Allan Poe’s most famous works, Tamerlane and Other Poems; there were only 12 known surviving copies of the book. Even at their first meeting, they had talked about his love for Poe. A few months ago in particular, he had mentioned in passing to Avery that he wished he could read the rare work. She remembered. He had never imagined owning an original copy. It was truly a collector's item and something to be cherished. It must have cost a fortune to obtain something so rare.

Holding the book in his hands, he felt terrible for what had happened. Ville felt like he should have been more understanding for the circumstances and realized that she was busy with her own life. Despite Avery’s words, he shouldn’t have reacted so whimsically. It could have just as well been a fight to overcome instead of the abrupt break-up that it had been. The book was more than just the gift; it was a symbol recognizing the relationship and showing that Avery cared. Of course she cared. He was silly to think that she didn’t. Ville had overreacted and he regretted what had happened.

“I’m such an idiot,” he muttered to himself.

He wanted to fix things with Avery right then, but it wasn't a conversation to have over the phone. Ville needed to redeem himself. He continued to work, doing daily interviews and performing most nights. He got caught up in his work, but he always thought about her.

“In the tired state that I had been in during the conversation, I just lost sight of the bigger picture. Of course, it hurt that she couldn’t be with me and come on tour with me.” Ville explained. “I wasn’t used to that; in relationships in the past, I was able to manage because the girls were models or you know, people in the industry that... did travel and could meet me halfway.

“Ave was different. She was someone with a real job that required to be grounded in the city at all hours of the day. When I’m away on tour, she was usually working not only because she wanted to fill the time, but also because she had that much to do. When I was in the city, she tried her best to put her work off until after I left. At the end of the day, I shouldn’t have made it such a big deal; she was such an amazing person, and I was lucky to be with her. None of my past relationships could hold a candle to Ave and me. She could provide this very analytic perspective on things, and me being the emotional romantic bastard that I am, I... I needed that. I needed someone to knock me into my senses.

“Whenever we spoke on the phone, she spoke with such conviction. She always believed in me, no matter what. Sometimes, I would have a bad show where I just fuck up the lyrics ‘cause I’m so drained, and I feel like shit when I get off the stage. I’m this perfectionist when it comes to my work, so things like that really get to me. And I’d call her up afterward, being like ‘babe, I’m such an idiot’ or whatever, and she knew just what to say. She’d tell me ‘sweetheart, they came to see you perform. If they were looking for this perfect show with all the right words and the smoothest riffs, they could just pop in your album. Your mistakes make the performance real; you’re only human. These little slip-ups give them a chance to jump in and help you... they sing along with you.’ and she was right.

“Because at the end of the day, those are the things that matter: the person she was to me and the person I was to her. We were in a good place, and I didn’t need her to follow me on a plane to prove that. Of course it was hard to be away from her. I wanted to see her. That didn’t change. But I just broke things off so abruptly and unnecessarily and I just... it was so stupid.”