Heartkiller

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

It was 3am in New York City on a Wednesday night, and Ville was spending his time sitting on the floor of his bedroom, cleaning out his closet. He hadn’t been sleeping well ever since the accident. Sometimes, he found comfort in playing his guitar, but he had no inspiration tonight. The apartment had become a wreck, and it was very distracting from the music, so he chose to sift through the mess instead. He had a Depeche Mode album playing in the background to keep him company, along with a cup of tea.

Ville had become quite the hermit, only leaving the house for groceries or therapy appointments. Although he had spoken to Bam a few days ago, he hadn’t talked to anybody from the band. His last interaction with them had been the night he almost jumped off of Gas’ balcony to the streets below. After that incident, he had asked everybody to give him some privacy as he tried to deal with the issue on his own. The band had respected his wishes, although they were left wondering in what condition he was. They were curious, but, after the 20 years that they had spent touring in road buses, they knew each other pretty well; they knew that they needed to give Ville his space and that he would speak to them when he was ready.

Right now, Ville wasn’t ready. He did miss them, though, so he decided to give them a call; if it was 3 am on the East Coast, it was about 11am in Finland. He wanted to check in with everyone and see how they were. He called Mige first, his oldest and best friend. The two were always joking around on stage and sneaking glances between themselves; after all this time, it was like they were in each others heads and knew what the other was thinking. Mige always made the shows entertaining for Ville as he whispered sarcastic remarks in his deadpan humor into the dead mic. As Ville called him now, the phone rang a few times before Mige’s gruff voice answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Mige, it’s Ville.”

The two continued their conversation in Finnish.

“Hey, man. It’s nice to finally hear from you. How are you doing?”

“I’ve gotten better since the last time we spoke. I still feel like shit, though.”

“How’s therapy?”

“It’s fucking ridiculous. I feel stupid trying to explain what happened to a stranger, and… I don’t know. I can’t tell if it’s helping or not. It doesn’t feel like it is.” he said, rubbing his eyes as he sat down on the couch. He mindlessly played with a blue contraption he had found while he talked to Mige.

“Your father called.” Mige stated, and Ville waited for him to continue. “You didn’t tell your parents what happened, did you?”

Ville sighed. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell them over the phone. My mum loved Ave like she was her own.”

“You can’t pretend like everything is okay. They’re going to find out. It would be better for you to tell them rather than the media.”

“Yeah, I know. I guess that that’s the advantage here in New York. I can be invisible, and the paparazzi won’t be ogling to get photographs. I’m sure that if that were the case, the magazines in Finland would be going mad trying to figure out what’s going on. How are things there?”

“The tabloids are freaking out, but they don’t know anything about the accident. You dropped off the face of the earth for them, and they haven’t been able to find any information... You should tell your parents soon, though. You can’t keep it a secret forever.”

“I know, I know.” he sighed. “Did they say anything else when they called?”

“Kari asked what you were up to.”

“And what did you tell him?”

“Relax. I kept it vague and said that you were handling some things. He pressed for further details, but I played it off. I made up some bullshit and changed the subject. He did mention that they’ve been trying to reach you in New York.”

“Yeah, I haven’t been answering their calls. Or anyone’s calls, for that matter. If I do, they’ll want to speak to her, and… you know, what am I going to do then?”

“Your parents must be worried about you, especially when you’re being so evasive. It seems a little suspicious, don’t you think?”

“I know how it seems." He sneered. "I think Ave would have called my mum by now to talk to her, so she must know already know that something isn’t right. I’m too afraid to face them.”

“They’re your parents. They’re not going to be angry at you for something that happened beyond your control. You have a tendency to be the peacemaker, especially when it comes to your parents, but what you’re doing isn’t helping them. They’re not… they’re not going to overreact.”

“To be honest, I’d rather them overreact or be angry with me. I’m too afraid to tell them because I don’t want to hurt them.”

“You can’t protect them forever. Waiting it out isn’t going to soften the blow.”

“I know, I know. I’ll come to Hel soon, maybe in a month or so. We’ll see how this therapy goes until then, and if there’s no progress, I’ll just quit it. I’ll come there and sort everything out with my parents. Get that fucking shit sorted out, and then… Then I wanna start working again.”

“Working again? Are you insane?”

“It’ll keep me preoccupied!” Ville protested.

“Maybe temporarily, but it’s not going to help in the long run. What are you going to do after the touring? It’s not an endless cycle of touring and recording; at some point, you’re going to have to face the facts, and it's better for you to grieve now than to bottle it up.”

“You’re right. You’re being surprisingly rational.” Ville begrudgingly admitted.

“I’m always rational.” Mige said matter-of-factly. “Anyway, you and her had that in common. You both work to avoid dealing with your problems. Bad habit, you know?”

“Oh, like you have no faults?” he countered.

“I never said that.”

“Yeah, whatever.” he chuckled. “What have you been doing, Mige?”

“Vedrana.” he said.

Ville smirked. “I said what, not who.”

“It’s all the same to me.”

“Well, I just wanted to call and check up on you. It seems like you’re doing well. I’ll see you in a few weeks, I suppose.”

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t rush into work, though, okay? Take your time. We’re all here for you.”

“I appreciate the support. Really.”

“Any time. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Ville hung up the phone and continued cleaning. He knew it was wrong to leave his parents in the dark like this and to let them believe their daughter-in-law was still alive. He couldn’t tell them over the phone; it would break their hearts. Anita, his mother, especially had loved Avery; after initially meeting his parents, Avery had vehemently tried to learn Finnish. By the next time they spoke, four months after the first meeting, she was speaking to Anita completely in Finnish; a few years later, she had perfected it and was fluent in the language. Ville’s mother was over the moon that Avery had made such an effort to connect with her. They got along so well that the two would speak more often than even Ville did to Anita.

He didn’t want to deliver the news of Avery's death over the phone, which seemed so impersonal. At the same time, he couldn’t fly to Finland and tell them what happened without having the full story; he needed to remember what happened both for his own peace of mind and for his parents’. Ville needed therapy to work, and he was frustrated that it wasn’t. He had spent a full three hours so far recounting various details of his relationship with Avery to a stranger without any progress to show for it. He hadn’t the slightest clue as to what happened that night. He needed the full picture in order to approach his parents in person. They would have questions, and he needed answers.

In addition, Ville did things better face-to-face than he did over the phone. There was so much more he could do and say when he was in person; he could see the other person’s facial expressions and gauge the situation. Over the phone, he was left wondering how the other actually felt and how restrained he or she was being. When he and Avery had broken up, he waited four weeks until he could see her in person to try to win her back. Ville felt that if he were to sort it out over the phone, she could just as well hang up on him without hearing a word of what he had to say. She had every right to be upset after the break-up; he wasn’t even sure that she would take him back. He was impatient to wait the four weeks between Christmas morning and the end of the tour, but it was worth it when he finally saw her.

Tuesday January 15, 2008
He walked into the apartment around 9:30pm, dragging his suitcase behind him. Ville looked to his right and saw a small cardboard box filled with his belongings. There were a few blue scarves, his copy of the fourth Metallica album, and a novel he had picked up in an airport. There were some other band T-shirts tucked underneath the pile. She had packed all his stuff up and kept it ready for him to take.

Exhausted from the tour, he wanted to lay and sleep for ages and ages to renew himself. However, having gone 12 weeks without holding his dear angel in his arms, he knew he had to see her before doing anything else. He needed to see her and fix things. He set his belongings near the door and searched the apartment for her.

"Ave? Avery, are you home?" He called out.

Assuming she was working, he went to her study. Devoid of any windows, it was the "perfect place to work" in her eyes. He politely knocked to avoid startling her before he wandered inside. The room was neat with organized piles of paper on the desk and the laptop open, but she was nowhere in sight.

“Ave? Darling?”

Ville turned and looked in the bedroom and bathroom, but both were empty. Seeing that she wasn't home, he decided to check her workplace. More than likely, she was holed up in her office at the late hour and poring over some files. He took a taxi to the firm, stopping only to pick up a bouquet of pink tulips, her favorite. He was the last customer at the florist for the night, and he quickly returned to the cab to make his way to Sterling-Ellis.

When he got to the firm, he paid the driver and rushed into the building. He tried going towards the elevators when the security at the front desk stopped him.

“Excuse me, sir, do you have an appointment?” the guard asked.

“No, no, I don’t.” Ville admitted.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't let you up after hours without an appointment," the security guard informed.

"I'm just here to see my girlfriend, please. It's a surprise. Please, can you let me go up?" Ville reasoned.

"The building houses sensitive information. I can't let you up without a good reason... like an appointment." He emphasized.

Ville let out an exasperated sigh. He didn’t know what to say to convince the security to let him see Avery. He put his hand to his forehead and kneaded the skin in frustration. He knew she was upstairs; he just needed to figure out a way past the security. He needed to see her tonight. After seeing that Ville didn’t have a valid excuse to be allowed into the building, the security guard sat back down in his chair and returned to reading the sports section of his newspaper. Discouraged, Ville tilted his head back and let his hand droop, causing the flowers it held to almost touch the floor. He racked his brain trying to think of a solution.

"I really hope those are apology flowers you're holding," he heard a voice say from behind him.

Ville turned away from the counter to see Paige, who had a rather judgmental look on her face. He was relieved to see a familiar person, though flustered by the situation. He took two large strides until he was in front of her.

“Paige, I’m so glad to see you.”

"What did she ever do to you? As far as I saw, that woman loved you unconditionally. Was that so wrong?" She said with her arms crossed.

"I know that she does. She didn’t do anything wrong. I was just being stupid, so stupid." He said while shaking his head.

"So those are apology flowers, then?" She pointed to them, and her judgmental look didn't dissipate. He nodded. “What are you planning to do?”

“I was hoping I could speak to her for a minute, if she’ll listen. I mean, I understand why she wouldn’t want to, but I hope that she will. I wanted to apologize and see if we can work things out. I made a mistake, Paige. I made a huge mistake.”

For a minute, she didn’t say anything. She simply looked at Ville and tried to assess his demeanor. If she was going to take him up, she wanted to be sure that his intentions were pure. Once she finished sizing him up, Paige looked past him to the security guard.

"He's with me, Al. I'll take care of it." She said to him.

“Okay.” the guard said and the two went to him so that Ville could get a visitor’s pass.

“Thank you, Paige.” Ville said.

“No problem… just you know, be careful. I care about her, too, and if you fuck her over again--”

“I won’t.” he assured.

Once the security guard cleared Ville, the two took a ride up the elevator.

“How is she?” Ville asked.

Paige paused, debating how to answer. “She’s… she’s had better days. Avery is throwing herself into her work, as usual, but she spends more and more time at the office than she needs to, which means that I end up having to stay late as well. I don’t know what to do to help her.”

“Hm.” he said to acknowledge her reply. The elevator car stopped on the seventeenth floor, and they got off; Paige waited at the empty receptionist's desk to give them some privacy.

"I’ll give you 15 minutes. If things aren't going well, you gotta come back because I have to leave." Paige warned. “Can I trust you to make that call? I don’t want to have to interrupt your private conversation, but I will if I have to.”

“Yeah, I got it. If she doesn’t want to see me, I’ll come back.” Ville said and started to walk off. He paused and turned around. “Thanks again, Paige.”

“You’re welcome. Now bring back the Avery we all know and love.”

“I’ll try.” he said with a smile.

The floor was almost completely dark, save for a light in the far corner: Avery’s office. Ville made his way to her office, which had glass doors, as did all of the offices. At this hour, everybody else had left... but not Avery. Ville reached her office to see her pacing back and forth. He leaned against the doorway so as not to disturb her since she was in the middle of a call; she had left her phone on speaker and was playing with a baseball to keep her hands occupied.

Ville stared at her, observing the changes he noticed. Though dressed professionally, her appearance seemed off. Her hair was tied off lazily, and there were deep bags under her eyes from lack of sleep. Overall, she seemed to have lost her energy, though it was unclear whether it was due to being overworked or to the breakup itself. One thing was for sure: she was not taking this well.

“I’m not going to take the deal because it’s shit and you know it. Buxom International didn’t cause those damages, and I’m not going to accept some bullshit settlement so that we can finish this now. I’ll take you to court and kick your ass because I know that I’m right!” she demanded the person on the other line.

“It's not about whether or not you know you're right. The question is: can you prove it?" The receiver croaked.

"Let's take this to court, and we can find out. I’m sure that your client would love--” Avery turned around in her pacing to see Ville holding the flowers, and her voice faltered. “You know, can I call you back?”

“Scared, huh?” the opposing counsel intimidated.

“See you in court, Jay,” she spoke steadfastly.

She picked up the receiver and reset it in its cradle to hang up the line. She set her baseball on her desk and hesitantly turned to face Ville.

“What, um, what are you doing here?” she asked uneasily.

Her hand was on her hip, although her tone was anything but accusational. In fact, it was coated with heartache and hopelessness. Avery knew she had messed up. She had no right to say the things she had said on the phone to him. Now that Ville was in front of her, she feared that she would break into tears and tried her best to stay poised.

“These are for you,” he said and handed the flowers to her. He retreated to his position near the doorway, making sure to give Avery the space she needed.

“Thanks.” She took them and stared into the tulips. “I won’t be home for a while, if you were wondering. You can clear your stuff out, and I, um, I won’t bother you.”

“I actually came to apologize.”

Avery was surprised. She looked up from the flowers and in his general direction but refusing to make eye contact. She knew that once she looked into his precious green eyes, all hope would be lost and Avery would likely fall apart. Still, she was confused. She knew that she was the one who had made the mistake of saying the things she had; what could Ville possibly be apologizing for?

“For what?” Avery asked.

“For being so stupid, Ave. I completely overreacted, and I didn’t want to break up with you.”

“But you did.” she insisted.

Ville sighed. “Yeah... yeah, I did. It wasn’t fair for me to ask you to drop everything to come see me. You have your own life here... I missed you, that’s all. I’m really sorry.”

She gave him a pensive stare before giving in. “Sit down.” she invited him in and set the bouquet on her desk.

They sat on the couch in her office. There was still some considerable space between the two of them; it was enough space for a third person to sit. Ville was trying to allow Avery to digest what he was saying without rushing into anything; he wanted nothing more than to pull her in for a kiss, but he restrained himself. His back was against the couch’s arm so that he turned to face Avery, who sat properly in her seat. Avery maintained the space because she was cautious; she didn’t want to jump to conclusions and assume that his apology was an invitation to get back together.

“I think it was the stress of everything that caused me to lash out like that, but that’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have said that you didn’t care about me because I know that that’s not true.” Ville continued. “For the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about calling you to take back what I’d said, but I wanted to do this in person. I wanted to see you again. I don’t know… I don’t know if you wanted to see me again, but I’ve really missed you.”

He absentmindedly stroked her hair while Avery fiddled with her hands. She was looking down at them in silence. Ville waited for her to say something-- to say anything. She was trying to avoid breaking down, and she breathed a deep sigh before feeling like she could stay composed long enough to speak.

“I’m sorry, too. I was such an idiot, and I didn’t mean any of the things I had said. I was stupid to say that nobody would care if you didn’t do your job or that it’s not as significant as mine. Of course your job is important! How could I have possibly said that?”

“So you’re saying we were both acting stupid?” Ville smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

She inched her hand to the middle of the space between them. Ville dropped his hand from her shoulder to hold her hand as she spoke.

“I know I was... I was speaking in anger and exhaustion.”

“As was I. I was angry from not having spoken to you in weeks and exhausted from everything wearing me down.”

“But you had a valid point! I should have made more of an effort to come out to see you.”

“No, Ave, that’s really not necessary to say. You have a job and your own life here. I can’t possibly expect you to drop everything to come follow me around like a puppy. You’re not my pet.”

“It’s not that simple.” she paused, trying to figure out the best way to express herself. “Look, when I got to college my freshman year, and I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, I had everything worked out. I planned for everything, from where I was going to go to law school, to where I wanted to intern, to how far up the corporate ladder I wanted to go. I had my whole life mapped out. The problem is that... I didn't plan for you.” she rambled.

Ville held his breath, unsure of where this conversation was going to go. By saying that she hadn’t planned for him, was she implying that they shouldn’t work things out? That they wouldn’t get back together? That wouldn’t be good. Ville wanted to fix the situation and move on. He missed her. She continued to speak, so he stayed silent.

“I didn't mean to run into you behind the club, and spend that night together, and fall in love with you. You weren't a part of the big picture--a part of my big picture--and I'm just having a hard time trying to integrate you into my life in the way that you need... But I know that I want to be with you. I know that after you've come into my life, I can't imagine a day without you. It physically--” she paused to heave a sigh. “It physically hurts to be away from you. I'm sorry for what I said. I really am."

He smiled. Ville was relieved at the turnaround in her words and took her hands in his. “I know you are. I got the voicemails.”

She rolled her eyes and slouched in her seat. “Oh, God. How bad were they? What did I say?”

“They were horrific and confusing. I couldn’t understand what you were saying at all. I had to call Bam to see what was going on. How much did you drink that night?”

“Too much, Ville.” she admitted. “Too much. I know I drank Bam and the boys under the table.”

“Why would you do that to yourself?” he asked.

Ville started rubbing circles with his thumb on her hand to assuage her. The conversation was lighter than it had started, but the tension was still palpable.

“I was upset. I just wanted to drown everything out.”

“Drown it in alcohol?” She nodded. “I got your present, by the way. Thank you.”

“Did you like it?” She turned to look at him with a smile on her face.

“Of course I did, Ave. How did you possibly get your hands on it?”

“I told you. I know a guy.” Ville motioned for her to elaborate. “I helped him win a case and avoid a nasty lawsuit. He owed me big time.”

“And he owned the Tamerlane collection?”

“Yeah. He had a lot of things, actually, but that was the only thing he was willing to part with. After much coaxing, of course.”

For the first time in the conversation, she looked into his deep green orbs, and her knees felt weak. He had her wrapped around his finger. The light smile disappeared from her face as her mind returned to the real conversation. She focused her attention on the fact that Ville was in front of her and they were apologizing to her. Only one question remained in her mind. Her eyelids fluttered to hold back tears, and she chewed the inside of her mouth.

“Can we--can we please get back together?” she whispered, her voice cracking out of nervousness.

In response, Ville, still holding her hand, used the grip to pull her close to him; their lips were like magnets and instantly latched onto each other. He had a tender grasp on her head, holding it close to him, and her arms were wrapped around his neck. He smiled and was happy to have resolved things.

“I’ve missed you, Ave.” he whispered between kisses.

At first, she didn’t say anything. Moments later though, she pulled away, and Ville could see her cheeks covered in hot tears. He immediately pulled her into a hug and rubbed her back gently.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” he asked.

“I missed you. I missed you, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Her head was nestled in his neck and breathed in his familiar scent of cologne and cigarettes. She left kisses along his collarbone every time she said ‘missed’ or ‘sorry,’ completely succumbing to the emotions that flooded her senses.

"I love you, dear Avery Louise."

"I love you, too, Valo."

They sat in that position for a while in complete silence. She sat in his arms, and Ville tucked his chin above her head, which was held to his chest. Avery was calmed by the sound of his heartbeat while he caressed her hair. It was serene, and they were in bliss. Ville’s mind was blank; now that he had spoken with Avery and the air was clear, he let the exhaustion of the tour overpower him. He felt completely at home.

Avery, on the other hand, had thoughts flowing through her mind a mile a minute. Her mind was racing to figure out if this was real, if this moment had indeed happened and if she had gotten back together with Ville. It didn’t feel real. Sure, she could tell that she was sitting in Ville’s arms and that he was breathing down on her; she was completely aware that he was here. She could even accept that the conversation had, in fact, occurred. What was off about it, then? It felt surreal. The thing that she had been wishing and hoping for the past few weeks had now happened, but now that it had, she wasn’t sure that it was real. It couldn’t be that easy, could it? She couldn’t just hope for something, have that wish burn through her soul, and the universe carry out the deed for her. It had to be more complicated than that.

She rolled her eyes and closed her lids. I need to settle down, she thought. He was here now; she was safe with him. It wouldn’t be long before he had to leave for Finland again and handle some other band related affairs, but for now, he was with her. That’s all that mattered. Despite the fact that these things could be handled over the phone, she knew that she had to let him go; he probably missed being home and the comfort of his own bed, from which he’d been apart for a few months. He could stay with her, but it was still her apartment, and he felt like a guest in spite of Avery’s constant reassurances that her home was his home. He could never accept it.

"Move in with me." Avery blurted out.

Ville’s eyelids were starting to close as he drifted to sleep, but they were wide open once he heard her words. Not quite believing what she’d said, he confirmed, “Hmm?”

She lifted her head off his chest to look him in the eyes.

“Move in with me,” she reiterated. She grinned as the magnitude of her words set in; she wanted this. “Move in with me, baby.”

Ville’s mouth, though in a smile, fell agape. “Are you… are you sure?”

“‘Am I sure?’ Of course I am!” she exclaimed. Her eyes glistened with fresh tears--tears of joy, this time. “You already have a key to my apartment, but we should make it our home now. It should be catered to both our tastes, and then… and then we can spend more time together. You won’t have to rush back to Finland all the time for a fresh set of clothing or that darn Sabbath disc or whatever. It’ll all be here!”

Ville looked at her eyes, trying to gauge her mood. He wasn’t sure if this was genuine or if it was out of fear of losing him again. In truth, it was a little of both. It was a hasty decision given the fact that they had just gotten back together moments ago. The rational thing would have been to give it some time so they could return to the groove of things. Their relationship needed work, and moving in together wasn’t necessarily the wisest decision to make. Avery couldn’t wait, though. Now that she had him back in her life, she didn’t want him to leave, even if only for a few belongings from his tower in Finland.

Looking at her bright face, Ville realized that he wanted it, too. He felt the same way; Ville didn’t want to leave her again unless he absolutely needed to. He looked into her eyes which were eagerly awaiting his answer. Avery bit her lip to keep herself from urging him further. In response, he grabbed her lips with his own and kissed her.

“When shall I move in?” he asked.

Avery squealed and smothered him with kisses while he let out his signature staggering laugh.

The waiting had been worth it then. If Ville had been so impulsive as to try to fix his relationship with her over the phone while he was miles away, things may not have turned out so well. Thus, Ville rationalized that it would be worth it tell his parents about Avery’s passing in person. It would take some time before he had the answers and was ready to go to Finland and speak to his parents, but he needed to wait; it was for the better.

Ville put the phone down on the table and returned to his late-night cleaning. He ran his hand through his hair and looked around to assess the clutter of the living room. Clothes were strewn about and music sheets were left in crumpled balls. Letting out a deep sigh, Ville picked up a shirt off the floor and threw it into the laundry basket. It felt a little overwhelming to do without his partner by his side.