Heartkiller

Chapter Sixteen: When Love and Death Embrace

I'm in love with you
And it's crushing my heart
All I want is you
To take me into your arms

Saturday, January 19, 2008

After the Hell that they’d both been through for the past few weeks, Avery and Ville were glad that things had been resolved and that they’d gotten back together. The breakup had plagued their minds in the final weeks of the year, and they had been especially lonely when ringing in the new year. Now, though, they had fixed things. Better than that, actually; they had flown into Finland for the weekend to pack a portion of his belongings and ship them back to New York. Moving in together was going to be a chaotic process that would be prolonged over several months because of Ville’s hectic schedule. He only had a few days off before he would be back on the road in Europe until March, followed by the summer festival circuit. Fortunately, he didn’t have any work commitments this particular weekend, so the couple was able to start the daunting task rather quickly.

At the moment, they were in the bedroom of his tower; Avery had finished her shower and had gotten ready for the day, while Ville had just woken up. He sat at the foot of the bed, and Avery stood in front of him with her hands on his shoulders. He was still in pajama bottoms and a wife beater with his shoulder-length hair in a disheveled mess. He held her hips close and leaned his head against her stomach while she played with the frayed ends of his hair. His eyes were closed, and he was ready to fall back asleep.

“What are we shipping back home on this trip, Ville?” she asked.

“Uhh… clothes, mostly." He mumbled in his raspy morning voice. "Maybe some paintings, if we have space for it in your apartment.”

“First of all,” Avery started, tilting his chin up and looking into his vibrant green eyes. “it’s now our apartment, not my apartment. Second, we can always make space for whatever your heart desires.”

Ville smiled. “Okay. Yeah, probably only those things for now. Maybe I should also call a realtor while I’m here.”

“For what?” she asked as she fixed her hair in the mirror on the wall, though she hadn’t moved from her earlier position in front of him.

“To sell the tower.” he said as though it were obvious.

Immediately, Avery twisted in his grasp with an appalled expression on her face. “Sell the tower? Why on Earth would you want to do that? I love this place.”

“You think I should keep it?”

“I-I mean,” she started reluctantly. “I want us to live primarily in New York since my career forces me to stay grounded there, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want us to come back to Finland. It’s home.”

“It’s home for me.” Ville corrected.

“Home for us.” she denied. “This--moving in together and sharing our space--is the next step in our relationship, don’t you think? We need to stop this whole ‘sleeping over for a weekend or two before returning to Finland’ thing that you end up having to do. I want us to be a proper adult couple that spend the holidays together, and you should feel at home wherever you are, whether that’s here in Finland or in New York. That’s all this is. You're not sacrificing anything for me.”

Ville let her finish and replied, “Okay… I won’t sell the tower, then. It's hard to argue when you put it like that.”

“Good.” she beamed. “Moving into the apartment doesn’t mean you’re giving up your life here for me; I don’t want that. I would never ask you to give up anything of yours for me. Okay?"

Ville nodded. “Yeah, but I just thought that it would be easier if I did sell it.”

“Where would we stay when we came to Finland?”

“I didn’t realize you had any intention of coming back.” he explained with a tender smile.

“You’re silly. I’m not stealing you away.” she giggled. "Anyway, while you ready whatever needs to go to the City, I’ll go to the hardware store and pick up cardboard boxes and packing tape for today.”

“Are you sure you can handle that by yourself, darling? Are the Finnish lessons kicking in?” he asked as she smoothed his skin and wiped away the fluid that had crusted to his tearducts.

Avery hesitated. “Um… I might be able to do it. I’m not entirely sure. We’ll see.”

“Maybe I should come with you, and we can--”

“No, no. It’s a one-person errand, and I’ll call you if I need help. Besides, I love you, but you’re nowhere near ready to leave the house.” she chuckled. “You need to get a headstart on getting the stuff ready to go.”

“Fair enough… Most people should be able to understand English, if anything, so you can always fall back on that.”

“No, I want to practice what I’ve learned so far! I’ll be fine.”

She bent down to give him a quick kiss and pulled away from his grasp. She found her purse by her duffel bag on the floor of the bedroom and grabbed some crumpled bills off the bedside table. She checked to make sure she had everything she needed and tightened a coat around her body.

“Coffee’s brewing downstairs. I’ll pick up some breakfast, kay?” she informed.

“Yeah, sure. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

He got off the bed to give her a final kiss goodbye. She smiled and pulled him in for another before walking away.

“Later, love!” she called behind her as she went down the stairs.

“Bye, Ave.” he responded and rummaged through his closet to look for something to wear for the day.

She reached the bottom of the staircase and slipped on a pair of boots before opening the front door, which let in a gust of cool winter air. A few snowflakes trickled inside as well, and since her coat didn’t seem to be enough of a barrier against the harsh weather, Avery grabbed Ville’s blue scarf off the hook by the door to wrap around her neck. She pulled down the beanie she wore so that it covered her ears and ventured out into the Finnish winter. She closed the door behind her and went to the street.

There wasn’t much traffic passing by her, so she didn’t have the chance to flag down a taxi. Avery wandered down the street and vaguely remembered from her last visit that there was a cafe two blocks over. She just had to make sure that she turned in the right direction. With her hands in her pockets, she traversed the snowy sidewalk towards the cafe. The wind was biting against her face, so she pulled up the scarf to cover her nose and mouth, involuntarily inhaling the lingering scent of cigarettes and cologne that remained on Ville’s scarf. She smiled; it was like he was right next to her.

She found the cafe, and, after silently praising herself for being able to make her way around the neighborhood, she went inside the joint. A set of small bells signaled her entrance, and she was greeted by the sweet smell of a fresh porridge and the comfort of a heater. She rubbed her hands together and blew into them to warm herself as she stood in line. Avery looked up at the menu to figure out what she wanted and to formulate the sentences so that she’d be ready to order when it was her turn. Avery stood in line and quietly whispered to herself to rehearse the pronunciation.

“Hi, what can I get you?” the barista greeted.

“Hi, uh, two porridge in size three boxes, to go please. And a sandwich with cheese.”

“Okay, 10.86€.”

Avery pulled out the cash and gave it to the barista, who returned some change. She stood off to the side while another attendant arranged her order. Since she hadn’t received any strange stares due to her Finnish, Avery assumed that she had done well. Either that or the Finns were too polite to show their disapproval. She looked around. It was strange. It was nine am, and, despite the crowd in the cafe, it was rather quiet. It was peaceful. This is not what Avery was accustomed to seeing in New York, where the cafe would surely have been hustling with the noise of busy bees grabbing a quick bite to eat on their way to work. This was a welcomed change of scenery for Avery.

"Miss!" The barista called her attention to a plastic bag with the food and returned to arranging the next order.

Avery got the package and waved a thank you before leaving the cafe. She hugged herself to guard against the wind and made her way to the next destination: the hardware store.

Meanwhile, Ville had taken a shower and changed into a pair of sweatpants and an Electric Wizard tee. He sat at the kitchen table with a mug of black coffee and watched a Finnish soap opera on the small television he had on the counter. In fact, the 6 inch tv set was the very one Ville had bought when he first moved out of his parents house all those years ago. The tv set had really done its time at this point, though; it was a wonder the thing even worked anymore.

Ville sipped his coffee while paying half a mind to the show that was airing. Avery must have been gone for half an hour at this point, but he hadn't heard any updates. He didn’t like the idea of having her wander around a city that was so foreign to her, but she was too stubborn to listen to Ville’s reasoning that he should tag along. He sat with his legs outstretched on an adjacent chair as he drank his coffee. He kept his phone next to him and hoped that she would call him.

Their time apart and the break-up had had a strong impact on him. It had proved how much she meant to him, and he didn’t want to lose her ever again. While Avery was thinking about small steps to take in the relationship, Ville was thinking long-term. He didn’t want to lay by her side between tours or have dinner together whenever they pleased; the breakup had left his heart yearning for much more. He wanted to start every morning by waking up to her smiling face beside him. His arm would be around her waist while she played with his fingers and her hot breath was on his neck. They’d lounge around in bed for a few minutes before Avery rushed off to get ready for the day. Maybe they’d have some spontaneous conversation while she changed into her pantsuit for work. When she came home that evening, he wanted to help her make a meal together and to discuss what they’d done that day over dinner. They would go on amazing adventures together, and they would travel the world; maybe they could even start a family together. She’d make an honest man out of him. And every night he wanted to fall asleep to the sound of her heartbeat rocking him to a deep slumber. He wanted to claim her for himself.

After all this, there was only one thing he knew that would permanently bind their relationship: marriage. Ville wasn’t one to believe that a ring ceremony was necessary to solidify a bond and cement their commitment to one another, but the breakup had changed things for him. It made him realize that he needed that ceremony as a means to shout to the world that he loved her and that she was the only woman for him. He wanted to see her walk down the aisle in a pure white dress; he wanted a first night to consummate the marriage; he wanted a ring for her to wear on her finger everyday so that everyone would know that Avery belonged to him and Ville to her.

He wanted to be married.

He had thought about it for a long while. This wasn’t a haphazard decision that he had come to, but a well-thought out one. The idea had preoccupied his thoughts for most of the tour as he waited to return to New York and convince her to get back together. While he didn’t know if Avery would have even given him half a chance to speak to her a week ago, he was determined; he wouldn’t have given up until she finally surrendered to him and they were a couple again. She was the One. She was the muse whom he’d been pining after in his love songs for all these years. She was that shining light at the end of the tunnel to let him know that all the heartache he was going through was only preparing him for a relationship greater than he could have ever imagined. She was everything and more than what he thought he deserved, and he wanted to call her his own.

His cellphone started to ring on the table and brought him out of his reverie.

"Hey, I was wondering what had happened to you." Ville answered.

"Hey, what are you up to?" she said.

"Drinking coffee. How are the errands coming along?"

"Uh, well, I got breakfast." she hesitated.

"And the boxes?"

"About that..." Avery started and her voice suddenly sounded shy. "How do you, um, say cardboard boxes in Finnish?"

"Pahvilaatikot."

"Pahvilaatikot?"

"Yeah."

"Pahvilaatikot, okay. Pahvilaatikot.” she repeated to herself to confirm. “Alright, I'll ask to see if they have any here."

"You're at the hardware store now?"

"Yeah."

"If they’re not selling any, it's okay. My dad probably has some from unpacking stuff for the shop. We could grab them later."

"Okay. Oh, that reminds me: we should stop by your parents' house this weekend regardless. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them."

Ville chuckled. "Sure, we can do that."

"Alright, I'm gonna go. I'll see you at home in a few."

"Sure, darling."

"Bye."

"Bye."

He hung up the phone and returned his attention to the show. He was more relaxed now that he had heard back from her. His mind regressed to the earlier topic of marriage. He needed to talk to his parents and to hers, find a ring, and formulate an appropriate way to actually propose to her. It was a lot of work, especially to be secretive about all of this. The more people he informed, the more opportunities that were created from which Avery could discover the news, and he certainly didn’t want that. He didn’t want to ruin the surprise.

The couple was scheduled to fly back to New York the next day, and Ville had a few days to spend with her before he had to catch a flight to finish up the tour. The rest of the band had also returned home for a short break; the exhaustion of the tour was overwhelming and they couldn’t continue to perform at this pace. They had been on the road for 3 months and had played shows throughout the country, which required long trips in the tourbus; they needed some rest to gear up for the hectic festival season. Ville reasoned that he may able to talk to his parents while he was in Finland for the weekend. He wanted to be sure to include them in the decision so that he didn’t spring an invitation upon them. He could also speak to Avery’s parents before he left for tour again; hopefully they’d agree to the arrangement. The only question that remained was the ring. He knew that it had to be perfect. It had to be beautiful, unabashedly so, but quirky nonetheless.

There was a hurried knock at the door, and Ville went to answer it. Once he opened the door, he found an out-of-breath Avery waiting with a small stack of flattened cardboard boxes and a plastic bag of food. There was a burst of camera flashes behind her as paparazzi struggled to get a good shot, and he realized the reason for her urgency. He ushered her inside and picked up a few of the boxes that remained on the doorstep. He slammed the door shut behind him and turned to see Avery with a perturbed look in her eyes. Ville took a few long strides to close the space between them and enveloped her in a tight hug to calm her.

“I’m never gonna get used to that.” she whispered into him.

He kissed her hair and replied, “That’s alright, love. I don’t expect you to, especially because it worries me most of the time, too. They don’t come by the house often.”

“Then why are they here now, Ville?” she asked softly and looked up to meet his eyes.

“Honestly?” she nodded. “They’re probably fascinated by you. They don’t know who you are, and they’re trying to figure it out.”

“Great.” she said with an eyeroll. Avery pulled away from him and went to the plastic bag she had placed on the kitchen counter. “Come on, let’s eat. We’ve got a long day ahead of us.”

“You okay?” he checked.

“I will be.” she reassured.

He came up next to her by the kitchen counter and peered into the bag as she began taking out small containers. “What did you get?”

“Some porridge and a sandwich for us to split. Will that be enough?”

“I should think so. Did your Finnish lessons fare well?” he asked as he opened one of the containers of porridge.

“Mm.” she took a spoonful of the food. “I think. I hope… I didn’t get any weird looks, so I think so.”

“Sounds good. C’mon, sit down.” he directed as he went to take a seat at the small table in the kitchen. “I’ve kept some things ready while I waited. I don’t know--I’m not so good at the packing thingie.”

Avery giggled. “That’s alright, I’ll help.”

It was four am, and as Avery dropped another folded shirt into the cardboard box, she turned to sneak a glance at Ville. ‘Helping’ him turned into doing it for him while he helplessly sat by and watched. Since he was used to taking only a few outfits--if even that--when he went on tour, packing his entire closet seemed intimidating. He let her take the reins as she clearly seemed to know what she was doing. He was lying on the floor of the bedroom with his hands interlaced behind his neck to support his head; his eyes were wide open as he stared off into an empty patch of the ceiling, and he seemed to be deep in thought. She smirked before coming down to his angle and lying beside him. She poked his nose playfully with her finger to get his attention, and his eyebrows perked up at the touch.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked.

He shrugged his shoulders. “Nah, just wond’rin’.”

“Wondering what?”

“‘Bout life after death. I wonder what that’d be like. I wonder... if I'd be conscious. I wonder how I would perceive things. If I’d perceive things, rather. I wonder if there’s an afterlife; it’s hard to fathom the possibility of no longer existing. Certainly I wouldn’t rot in a box six feet under, would I? ”

Avery scrunched her nose. “Why do you have such dismal thoughts? What’s got you preoccupied with death all of a sudden?”

“I don’t know.” he said and wrapped an arm around her shoulders to pull her close. “I think my life has been consumed by the quest for true love, and now… now that I’ve found that, I’m just thinking about what’s next, I suppose.”

“Why does death come next? What about all the stuff in between?”

“Like what?”

“You know, like having a family. Like achieving our dreams.”

Ville smiled jovially and looked at her. “Is that the kind of thing that keeps you up at night?”

“Yeah, it does.”

He was caught off guard by her answer but quickly recovered in order to implore her for more details. “Re-really? What kind of things do you think about?”

Avery turned to caress his cheek while she stared at the little follicles of his beard, which was threatening to make itself known again. Looking into his evergreen eyes, she imagined all the things she hoped and dreamed to do with this man. She took a deep breath before she began speaking.

“Like… the vacations we’ll take together. We’ll see all the pretty sights, and you know, do actual tourist-y things. I don’t want to just fly back and forth to visit like we do now; I want to travel the world with you and enjoy everything that’s out there. And... I want to… help you accomplish everything you dream to do in any way that I can help. Whether that means being at the merch table and trying to sell stuff or, I don’t know, even something as simple as cheering you on from backstage. Whatever you need, I want to be there for you.”

Ville tilted his head to plant a small kiss on her lips. He didn’t want to interrupt her narrative, but he was truly touched by how much she cared about him and how much she thought about their future. Although he knew that she loved him, the conversation invoked a different sense of understanding that the two cared about one another.

“What else do you think about?”

She hesitated momentarily, an answer hanging at the tip of her tongue. She didn't know if she should utter the word; she didn't know if it would scare him off. However, seeing his earnest stare urging her on, she couldn’t help but blurt out: “Our kids.”

“Kids?” he repeated whilst arching an eyebrow in surprise. “Really? You-you think about our kids? How many do you think we’ll have?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Two, maybe. Or four, if we decide to have more. We can’t stop at three though; you know what they say about middle child syndrome; I don’t know… I’m pretty sure I have enough ego for all of us.”

Ville laughed. “Wow, I can’t believe you’ve thought about all this.”

“Does it scare you?” she asked, afraid of the answer.

“Not at all.”

"Do you think about these things, too?"

Ville paused to choose his words carefully. "I... I do think about these things, but I don't concern myself with the details as much. As long as you're by my side, nothing else matters."

"Hmm. I should've expected such an answer from you. 'Let's go with the flow.' I don't understand how you can do that. How can you leave things up in the air?"

“Uhm… Fate has a tricky way of making things work out.”

“And you’re willing to trust such a fickle concept?”

“What choice do I have?” he replied and shrugged his shoulders.

Avery paused and marveled at his countenance. “I can’t comprehend being so easygoing like that. It… It absolutely terrifies me not to have some sort of plan.”

“It’s hard to plan when things don’t always go your way; it begins to wear you down, and it’s easier to accept whatever happens when you don’t have any expectations.”

“Now that’s where we differ, my dear: I make things go my way.” she said and laughed.

Ville joined in. “Oh, I know. I’ve witnessed that firsthand.”

She rolled onto her back so that she could face the ceiling as well. She mimicked his posture and closed her eyes; the day was starting to take its toll on her, and she was itching to go to sleep.

“So you have a plan, then, for our life. How does that go exactly? What happens after we have kids?” he asked curiously.

Avery opened her eyes to stare up at the white wall. She sighed. “Um, well. I don’t plan for dates or anything like that. I have a general idea of sorts. After we have kids--a girl and a boy--we’ll… we’ll settle into the suburbs of New York or maybe Jersey for the schools. Um, we’ll raise them to be good, respectful people and take them on road trips to show them the world. We’d make our own discoveries and create wonderful memories. You’d still be the amazing musician you are now but even more famous. People will be edging to get your autograph or your photo wherever we went, and I’d be okay with it because you’d be happy and successful, and that’s all that matters to me. And then, once our kids have gotten married and are out of the house, you and I will settle into a nice place here in Finland because I would have retired by then. You’d sing with that beautiful baritone voice of yours and lull me to sleep.”

“I will, will I?” he teased.

“Yes. Then, and only then, are we allowed to even discuss the possibility of death. Because, Hell have mercy on your soul, Valo, if you ever bring up the idea of leaving this world while I’m still alive, I…" She paused to think of an appropriate threat. Nothing came to mind, and her hand fell limp to her side. "I don’t know what I’d do, but you won’t like it.”

Ville let out a staggering laugh. “What a feeble threat!”

“Hey now, I--”

He interrupted her protests. “But your point has been made clear. I won’t dare to bring it up again.”

“Good. Besides, you won’t rot in a box six feet under, as you so eloquently put it. No, I think there is an afterlife because, like you said, it’s hard to imagine suddenly not existing anymore. I hope there is an afterlife. I think your young soul will be released into the universe. Maybe you’d stay a bit to tie up some loose ends, but otherwise, you’ll peacefully be released into the cosmos only to be reborn into another life.”

“That’s how you see your afterlife playing out? It seems rather hopeful.”

“I should think so. We spend our lives toiling over every little damn thing; we deserve some peace and bliss once we’ve left this Earth, don’t you think?”

“Hmm.”

“When I die--” she started, but Ville interrupted with a kiss on her lips.

“What makes you think I’d be okay with you talking about your death?” He stared fiercely into her irises. “Don’t.”

“Fair enough.” she said softly and he smiled.

“Good.”

“Anyway, that’s a while from now. There’s all the time in the world for our dreams, our adventures, and our family. Right now…” She took a moment to yawn audibly and sat up. “Right now, it’s time for bed. We’ll finish the rest of the packing tomorrow.”

“Remind me to have more late night conversations with you; it’s much easier to get inside your head at this hour when you’re less resistant.”

“Now why would I ever dare to alert you to my weakness?” Avery joked.

She stood up and held out her hands to offer to help him up. He grabbed her hands, and she pulled him up so that he towered over her. She got on her tiptoes to place a few soft kisses on his lips, but Ville held her face close so that he could slip his tongue inside her mouth.

“I thought we’d better start on those kids you mentioned.” he murmured through the kiss, causing her to pull away.

“You’re skipping steps, mister!” she admonished and threateningly waved her index finger at him while she walked out of the room.

♠ ♠ ♠

Hey all,
I think this chapter is long overdue, and it's because I was on vacation for the past three weeks and unable to write while traveling. I was originally going to make this chapter much longer, but I think a lot of important things have already happened here. I didn't want to overwhelm this chapter, so I decided to save the rest for the next one. Anyway, that's that. The next chapter is super scandalous, so I hope you're excited! Thanks for reading! <3