Heartkiller

Chapter Twenty Four: Love You Like I Do

And there's no escape
Just countless mistakes
No one will love you, no one will love you the way I do
No one will love you, love you like I do

September 17, 2011

Although Avery had had a long day, she couldn’t wait to get home. Tomorrow was her wedding anniversary with Ville, and it was the first time they would be able to spend it in peace without him having to rush off to another country to record or to promote an album. She was happy to have him with her, to say the least. When she opened the door to the apartment, she saw Ville lying on the couch watching a movie on the television.

“Hi, baby,” she greeted. She pulled her keys out of the lock and closed the front door behind her. Ville turned his head to see her when she started walking towards him.

“Hey, sweetheart. How was work?” he asked. His voice was dull and monotone.

“Oh, well… Same ole, same ole.” she replied and bent to give him a kiss. “I missed you.”

He didn’t reply and gave a small smile to acknowledge her words. She straightened back up and walked to the study to put away the files she had brought home. By the time Avery returned down the hallway, he had shifted around on the couch and turned his attention back to the movie. She made her way to the kitchen to fix a cup of tea for the cold evening.

“What did you have for lunch?” she asked him as turned on the teapot to boil some water. She started to look through the cupboards in search of tea bags.

“Spaghetti.” he called to her from his place.

She pulled out a chamomile tea bag from the stash and poured the boiling water into a cup. While she waited for the tea to steep, she leaned in the kitchen doorway. The exhaustion from the day left a clear impression on her face. She was worn out, and she wanted nothing more than to crawl into a ball and go to sleep. Seeing that she was looking at him, Ville muted the television so that he could hear her speak.

“Do you wanna have chicken parmesan tonight?” she asked.

“Sure… For now, I want you right here,” he said, patting the spot beside him. “Come here, Ave.”

She smiled. “I’ll be right there.”

After checking to make sure the tea was ready, she added a few drops of honey and mixed it into the drink with a teaspoon. She took the cup with her and went to sit on the couch. Ville was still lying down, but there was some space for her to sit on the couch in front of his stomach.

“You want some tea, Ville?” she offered, extending the cup to him.

“No, I’m fine.”

She gently stroked the side of his face and smoothed his hair back. Because of his somber look and the short answers he provided, she knew something was wrong. He didn’t seem like himself. Ever since the band had been dropped by the label, Ville hadn’t been too happy, but he usually found a reason to smile if only to pretend things were okay. However, today, it seemed like nothing could cheer him up.

“Why are you so down today?” she asked and took a sip of the drink.

“It’s nothing.” he dismissed and looked away.

“Hey, now.” she admonished and nudged him gently. “Come on, tell me.”

“It’s annoying to have to sit here doing nothing all day.” Ville admitted with a heavy sigh.

“Why don’t you go to that new bookstore that opened up on 7th? I only passed by, I haven’t gone inside yet, but it seems promising. I’m sure you can find a psychological thriller or two to keep yourself entertained.”

“I already tried.” Ville smirked. “They had a few interesting thingies, which I picked up, but… I don’t know. I can’t focus much on the stories and get lost in the pages like I usually do... The uncertainty of the band’s future is plaguing my thoughts more than anything else. Whenever I try to read a chapter, I can focus for a few lines before I start thinking about the band again. I think it’s starting to take more of a toll on me than the boredom itself.”

“There’s nothing to worry about. I’m sure you’ll get a call soon from some big record company saying how much they love you and want to put out your music. If I know nothing else, I know that you are an unbelievable musician with amazing talent. Someone is gonna sign you, Ville.”

“It’s not just about being signed. That’s only half the issue.” Ville groaned. “Even if we’re able to find a label to sign us, Gas is still trying to recover from his wrist injuries… Last time I spoke to him, like two weeks ago or something like that, he said the doctors weren’t sure if he’ll be able to play again. It could go either way, which would mean…” he trailed off and broke eye contact.

“Which would mean what, honey?” Avery encouraged him to continue and rubbed small circles on his chest.

“If Gas can’t play again, there won’t be a band, I’m sure. He’s, you know, he’s been with us for so long, we’re like a family. You can’t replace a family member. And… and if there’s no band, we’ll all end up going our separate ways, and the boys… they have families and kids and things to keep them occupied. What am I going to do without HIM and without writing music for the band? I don’t know. The band has been my life for so long… I won’t know what I’d do without it, Ave. I’ll be sitting here everyday waiting for you to come home.”

“Ville, baby, I…” she hesitated, playing with the ends of his chin-length hair. “I don’t want you to get into this head space and worry yourself sick for no reason. You said it yourself that it could go either way; Gas could recover. Things have the possibility to work out, and until we know anything for sure, you’re only going to ruin your own happiness by worrying about all this. Let’s… let’s just wait and see what happens.”

He closed his eyes and whispered, “You know how much of a workaholic I am; it’s weird to be sitting on my hands now. I wanna get back to work, that’s all.”

“Soon enough.” she reassured.

He didn’t answer to what she said. Instead, Ville started to tug her waist closer to get her to lie with him. She set her teacup on the coffee table to avoid spilling it but didn’t show any intention of relaxing beside him. He pouted to coax her and she frowned.

“There’s not enough space for the both of us, Valo.” she reasoned.

“Then let’s go to the bedroom. I wanna lie next to you… Let’s celebrate our anniversary in true spirit.” he said almost gleefully. His mood was reasonably uplifted at the thought, and it warmed her heart to see. She couldn’t turn him down now.

“Okay, let’s go.” she replied with a giggle.

Ville stood up and tugged Avery along towards the bedroom. As they walked down the hallway, Ville held her hand and led the way in front of her. She ran her eyes over his profile and noted that he was still wearing the Electric Wizard tee, sweats, and socks that she had seen him in this morning. Clearly he hadn’t showered, and she was surprised that he had even found the will to get to the kitchen and make lunch. By all appearances, he was slipping hard and fast. Damn, he was down. She needed to figure out a way to cheer him up.

“You know, I was thinking about our anniversary, and I feel like we need to do something different this year.” Avery said.

“What do you have in mind, darling?” he asked. He turned so that he could maintain eye contact but walked backwards, trusting her to warn him if he were to hit something.

“I don’t know. We’ve been together for five years now, it’s our third wedding anniversary…” she wondered aloud. “I feel like we need to do something special, Ville. More special than usual.”

“Like presents? We don’t usually do that, so it'll be special.” he suggested.

The couple walked into the bedroom and stood right alongside the bed. Ville pulled her tightly into a hug, and she craned her neck back to meet his eyes. With her arms wrapped around his waist, Avery looked up at him. Though the usual bags under his eyes were nowhere to be seen, his green orbs seemed somewhat empty. His skin was a ghastly pale, and he had lost all the color in his lips. Without his usual eyeliner rimming his eyes, Ville looked altogether lifeless and drained.

“Not presents. I was thinking more along the lines of something we could do together. I don’t mean a party or anything so indulgent like that, but… I don’t know, maybe a tattoo?” Avery said, though her tone implied that she thought the suggestion was outlandish. She sounded like she was leaving the option to back out of the idea in case Ville didn’t like the idea.

Ville raised his eyebrows. “Really? You’re usually not so whimsical. How long have you been debating this?”

“Quite a while.” she admitted.

Ville’s mouth twisted into a smile. “What kind of tattoo did you have in mind, Avery?”

“I’m not entirely sure. I want something to, uh, to celebrate our love… “ The weight of the words sank in, and her eyes widened from disbelief. She muttered, “Wow, that didn’t sound so cheesy in my head.”

“It’s not cheesy.” he reassured. "I think it's sweet."

“You’re just being nice.”

Avery pulled him in for a kiss and smiled. Her body twisted towards the bed, and she pulled Ville on her way down. They fell on top of the mattress, and Ville rolled off of her but kept his arm around her waist to hold her close. He kept his gaze concentrated on her features and traced the details of her countenance. Her bright blue eyes were open and inviting, her nose was cute as a button, but it was her smile that he couldn’t get over. That smile could bring him joy when all else failed. In truth, if Avery wasn’t in his life, Ville may not have been able to survive these hurdles as well as he was now.

“I’m never going to get tired of your precious little lips. I wanna kiss you all the time.” she said, pulling from his trance.

“I have no objections to that.” he replied with a childish grin. “You should make that your full time job, love.”

“Hahha, just follow you around all day to give you kisses?”

“I’m not going anywhere much these days. We could stay right here on this bed. It’d be remarkable to be spend our days strumming the guitar and making love. Without the obligations of your job to distract you at every second, you’d finally get a chance to paint like you’re always saying you want to do. Doesn’t that sound nice?”

“It sounds divine, Ville. I wish we could live at that level of leisure and comfort. Someone would have to pay the bills, though.”

“We’d manage.” He mumbled as he kissed her again.

With her hands at the nape of his neck and her fingers entangled in his hair, she slipped her tongue inside his mouth. They had been lying crookedly on the bed, and slowly Ville moved his body to straighten himself out while pulling Avery on top of him. Her legs flanked his torso, and she gently rested her body on his while they continued to kiss. She held her weight as much as she could so that she wasn’t lying directly on top of him, and Ville noticed. He pulled her to him by her waist to ensure that there was no space between them anymore. After a few moments of vying for control, they slowly pulled apart their mouths and finished the kiss with a few soft pecks. Almost immediately, they were able to slip back into conversation.

“What if we got tattoos of each other? You can go right here next to Timo Mukka.” Ville said and pointed to the empty space on his right forearm. “I could look down and you’d always be right there. It sure would be nice when I’m on tour, and there’d finally be all these photos of you and I on stage together, figuratively speaking, of course.”

She scrunched her nose in distaste. “Please no. Don’t get me wrong: I absolutely would not mind your beautiful face etched onto my body for eternity, but I think it would be incredibly creepy to see my own face staring back while we make love... Besides, I’m always with you right here, remember?” Avery said and poked his chest, referring to his heart.

"That you are. I’m sure we’ll think of something good.”

There was a silence as they thought of tattoo ideas, and she rolled off of him so they lay side by side. She wasn’t even sure what idea had sparked this notion of getting a tattoo in the first place. She had never cherished anything so much that she wanted to have it branded onto her skin, but she had been thinking for the past few weeks of something special to do for this anniversary. It made sense for her to want a tattoo to commemorate the relationship, but she didn’t have a clue as to what this thing should be. A picture? A symbol? Text? It would have to be something that represented them but suited their individual tastes. Her mind started to wander to other things, and she realized that she needed to start making food if they had any chance of eating at a reasonable hour. It was already 7:30pm and the chicken parmesan would take 45 minutes to make.

“I should go make dinner,” she stated and started to get up, but he gently pulled her back to the bed.

“Not yet. Stay a little while longer.” he whined. “I haven’t seen you all day, and I miss you, my dear darling.”

“Just for a little while, Ville.” she said and lovingly tapped his nose with her index finger. She smiled and relaxed into the bed beside him with her head resting on his shoulder. “After all, how could I say no to you when you make such a polite request?”

Although Ville didn’t intend to turn the pleasant mood, he couldn’t help but blurt out: “You’ve said no to me about other things.”

Avery didn’t immediately connect as to what he was talking about, so she furrowed her eyebrows and clarified, “To what?”

“To having kids.” he whispered.

“Oh.” Avery sighed. “We’ve talked about this, honey.”

The jovial mood that they had maintained slowly faded away as they embarked on the serious conversation. It was a sore subject. The problem wasn’t that she didn’t want kids, but rather that she didn’t want them right now. With everything that was happening in their lives, she didn’t feel it right to bring more responsibilities into the mix, not unless they were sure they could handle it.

“I know, I know. You want to wait until our careers settle down so that we have the time and attention to raise them. I think that now that I’m home, I can see you and the bump grow and be here all the time for whatever you need.” he coaxed, leaning his forehead against hers. “Whether it’s some late night craving you have or a… I don’t know, a foot rub to make it all better; I’m here. I’m here for you, Ave.”

“That’s sweet…” she hesitated, not wanting to upset him. “But the fact that you have all this time on your hands is actually even more of a reason to wait.”

“How so?”

“Because you’re already stressed about your career, and I want you to find some peace with that first. I want you to be confident in whatever direction you decide or need to take, and I want the motivation behind those actions to be your desire to accomplish something for yourself. I want you to do things for yourself, not because you think you need to do something for the sake of our child.” Avery kissed his collarbone. “Please understand that I only want the best for you… the best for us! A baby would only add more tension and urgency to what’s going on. I don’t want you to, you know, decide to play odd and end gigs or something like that just so that you can support our child. You need to be satisfied in what you’re doing. You need to be happy. Right now, you’re in a bit of a rut, and… well, let’s cross one hurdle at a time.” she reasoned.

“I wouldn’t think of a baby as being a hurdle.” he asserted.

She smiled and cupped his face. “Neither would I. I only meant that we should at least wait for this to get sorted out first. Then we can focus on and enjoy our little ones without worrying about, well, all the other stuff. You and I aren’t going anywhere. We have time. We have years and years together, bubba.”

“I know we do.” he said, but he didn’t seem convinced.

“Look, Ville, I want kids with you, I do.” She took his hands and intertwined their fingers; once she pulled herself up, she rested her forehead against his and closed her lids. “I want nothing more than to have a mini-Ville running around learning how to play the guitar and rocking out just like his handsome daddy.”

“I want a mini-Avery for myself, too.” he interrupted..

She laughed and looked into his green eyes. “Okay, we can have two... But I want to be home to raise them, and I want them to be around you. I want them to see the amazing, loving, generous, creative person that you are, but I don’t want them to bring them into this world when you have other things to devote your attention to.”

“I can devote my attention to multiple things just fine. Don’t I make time for you?” he pointed out.

Avery sighed, deciding against bringing up the fact that nine months out of the year he was in a different country than she was. This wasn’t the time to argue about that. Besides, she had been able to manage just fine. As long as she knew that Ville was happy touring and making music, she could deal with the lonely nights.

“Once we know what’s happening with your music--who you’re signed with, I mean--we can figure things out for a baby. I promise you that.”

“Yeah, but if we sign with someone--” he started to argue.

“When you sign with someone.” Avery corrected.

“Okay, when we sign with someone, I’ll be off working and travelling.”

“You’re right.” she conceded and thought of the best way to express herself. “I know that we’ve made it work between the two of us, but we can’t pull them out of school and fly them out to come see you as often as they should be around their father. And me, work is hectic, and I get home at ridiculous hours, and I-- I don’t want them to be raised by strangers, baby. You’re absolutely right about you being gone. I want them to see us, I want them to see you and how absolutely amazing you are. We can see what we need to do to make everything just right so that everybody is happy. We’ll work things out when the time comes.”

“I know we’ve talked about it before, but I only bring it up because it’s hard to listen to the boys talk about their kids when I don’t have a story to share. I want my own little one running around. I talk to Gas and Linde, and they always tell me some cute thingie their daughters did that day. I want a story about our child to share with everybody.”

Avery kissed his lips and moved her hands down his chest. She could feel his heart race through the thin material of his shirt. She smiled through the kiss, knowing what effect she still had on him.

“I know, I do too. Let’s wait for things to slow down and I promise that we’ll make it happen, if it’s the last thing I ever do.”

“I don’t know about you, but things are already pretty slow for me. I’m sitting around here all day, waiting for Seppo to finally call and say that we’ve booked a record contract with somebody, with anybody.”

“Frustrating, huh?” she smirked. The tension started to dissipate, and she was glad that the moment had passed.

“Boring, more than anything else. I want to be working again.”

She smiled. “You and I are absolute workaholics. It’s nice having you home with me for once.”

“It’s nice being home with you.” he agreed.

He knew that the subject was changing and that that’s as much as they would say about having children for tonight. It was something that they had talked about in the past, but they always came to an impasse and decide to drop the topic before they argued vehemently. As disheartening as it was to leave the conversation unfinished, Ville would rather have it this way than to argue with his love. That would be harder to reconcile with his conscience. Ville and Avery always knew when to stop before the discussion got out of hand.

He smiled at the thought of how well they knew each other. There were some days where he knew exactly what she was going to do or say, and there were other days when she would completely surprise him. It had been five years and a few months since their first date. Looking into her baby blues, Ville thought about the person he had been then, when they had first met, and the person he was now. He was so much better now; he had written some amazing songs, he had a clearer head since he wasn’t drinking constantly, and, most importantly, he was happier. Before he met Avery, he thought he knew what love was, but she made him redefine what it meant to care for and to love someone. He couldn’t imagine his life without her.

Brushing a lock of hair behind Avery’s ear, he said, “You know, as cliche and as lovestruck as this may sound, I think you and I were made for each other. I think we balance each other out and bring out the best in each other. At the very least, you do those things for me... and I don’t know if you realize that… Like yin and yang, if ever two were one, then surely we are.”

“You are so unapologetically poetic, I can’t even handle it, Ville. And I completely agree... although I think you are the better half. You challenge me and you push me and you inspire me in ways I never even thought were possible. I love you, Ville. Things are going to work out when they’re supposed to. Everything is going to fall into place the way it’s meant to be. I love you, and I hope you know all that.”

“I love you too, sweetheart.” He said and kissed her lips.

“Wait, that’s it!” she exclaimed and her face lit up.

“What’s what?”

“What you said right now is so perfect for us. ‘If ever two were one, then surely we are.’ I think it’s perfect and poetic and so very ‘us.’ I think it describes us so well, and we could get that tattooed.” she rambled excitedly. “Is that okay? Do you--do you want that?”

“I like it.” he smiled. “Where would you like to get it, Ave?”

“I want it to be hidden because this is just for you and me. Mmm… What about right here?” she asked and pointed to the space underneath her left breast. “Right over my heart.”

Ville tensed and his grip around her waist tightened. Gingerly grabbing her bottom lip with his teeth, he growled, “Absolutely not.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not going to let anybody else look at you like that, certainly not in a tattoo shop.” He then added with a smile: “These two puppies are all mine.”

He lifted her shirt and fit his head underneath to place sloppy wet kisses on her chest. She started to laugh, and he wiggled out to see her again.

“Fine, fine, not there. Where would you suggest?” she asked between hysterics.

“Hmm... how about right on the curve of your shoulder?”

“It’s so close to the bone, though. Won’t that hurt?”

“It’s a tattoo; it’s going to hurt wherever you do it.” he pointed out.

“Okay. Like right here?” she asked and rubbed the skin above her collarbone. He nodded. “It’s nice and hidden, but I can still show it off if I want to. It’s nice. Although... I don’t think the whole phrase will fit on my shoulder. It will end up sliding halfway down my arm.”

“We can get half of it on yours and the other half on mine.” he suggested.

“Like two halves of a whole…” she whispered. With excitement bubbling within her, she looked up at him with bright, eager eyes. “Yeah, that sounds good! Perfect!”

“You like it?” he confirmed.

“I love it.” she replied.

“Okay, so now that that’s settled...” Ville started kissing her and pulling off her blouse, but she didn’t let him.

“I gotta go make dinner, babe.” she warned.

“We can order in.” he mumbled and continued spreading kisses across her jaw.

“We ordered in yesterday, and the day before that. I’m tired of the takeout. Let’s have some real food.” she tried to convince and pulled her shirt back down. Avery broke into a fit of giggles as he worked the area below her ear. She almost succumbed to the magic he was working but controlled herself. She started to pull away and insisted, “No, no, I gotta make food, baby.”

“Fine.” Ville replied and reluctantly pulled away.

“Afterwards, I promise.” she responded and stood up. After smoothing down her shirt, Avery, standing at the foot of the bed, took his hands in hers to help him up.

"You're going to let me help you cook?" He asked, surprised.

"Don't be silly, Ville. I want you to come sing for me. I would pop in your CD, but why bother when I have the real thing with me?" She answered sweetly.

He smiled and stood up. When he ran his hand through his hair, an idea came to mind. He threateningly jiggled his hands, and she knew what that meant. She tried to run away, but he caught her by the waist and threw her over his shoulder. She giggled all the way to the kitchen.

"Put me down! Baby, please!" She pled.

Ville finally came to a stop in front of the stove and set her down next to him. She stared up at him; although she tried to appear upset, Ville could see the corner of her mouth trying to hold back a smile. He kissed her forehead.

"Where do you want me?" He asked obediently.

"Right there, please." She pointed to a space on the kitchen counter, and he bounced up into the seat.

"What would you like me to sing for you?"

"You don't have to sing if you don’t want to. I wanted you here with me at the very least. It would make up for being apart from you all day." She said and took out two large mixing bowls from the cabinet.

"That's what I was trying to do in the bedroom!" He said playfully.

"Yeah, but then we'd end up doing that and ordering some pizza or something. You always have to order food whenever you're on tour. Lemme make you a home-cooked meal while I have you here with me." She took out a carton of eggs from the refrigerator and started to crack them into one of the large bowls.

“So how was work?" He asked. He started tossing an apple to keep himself entertained.

"It was okay. I worked out some issues that I was having with an uncooperative client. Do you remember that guy, Slater?"

"The, uh... golfer, I think. Right?"

"Yeah, that's the one. He's the most arrogant prick I've ever met." She explained with an eyeroll and returned the carton to the fridge. "Anyway, he kept trying to insist that he knew more about the law than I did."

"What a fool."

"That's what I said." Avery scoffed. "We had this huge argument where he tried to tell me how to do my job, and I wasn’t having it. When it finally came down to it, I told him that if he wanted my help, he was going to have to trust me. It took… it took a lot of persuasion, but he finally let me do things my way. I'm working on getting his case dismissed."

"That sounds good."

"Yeah. What about you? What did you today?”

“Not much of anything. I made a decent dent in our DVD collection (which needs an update, by the way), had some spaghetti, smoked. That’s about it.”

“Is that all you know how to make? Spaghetti?” she asked as she made the parmesan and breadcrumb mixture for the coating of the chicken parmesan.

Ville’s mouth turned into a shameful smile. “Maybe.”

She glanced at him and grinned. “It’s okay. As long as I’m around, I’ll make sure you’re full and satisfied.”

“Sexually?” he asked with his eyebrows raised.

“You little rascal.” she muttered. Avery picked up a pinch of the parmesan mixture and threw it at him. It landed across his cheek; he wrinkled his nose in response.

“What was that for?” he asked innocently.

“You know what that was for.” she replied with a smirk and returned to her work.

Ville set the apple he was throwing back on the counter and got off of his seat. He furtively crept up behind her and reached past her shoulder to grab a dash of the mixture. Quickly, he threw the pinch of parmesan back at her face and leaped backwards to avoid the backlash.

“Oh, you’re dead.” she said with a grave tone.

He started running away and she started to chase after him with the bowl of parmesan and breadcrumbs. She flicked a little at him, and he backed away. Avery chased him throughout the living room and tried to throw the blend at him. Although a little landed on his shirt, most of it ended up on the floor. He ran back toward the kitchen and grabbed the bowl of cracked eggs, threatening to throw the gooey substance at her. She stopped dead in her tracks.

“Ville, don’t you dare. That is a bitch and a half to clean up if it gets all over the floor.” she warned.

“Put the bowl down.” he instructed, a grin playing on his lips.

“You first.”

“Ah, ah,” he cautioned. “Put it down or I’ll throw this at you.”

“Fine,” she surrendered and set the bowl on the kitchen counter next to her. “Your turn.”

He put the bowl down behind him. “Killjoy.” he sighed, though the smile remained on his face.

“Ass.” she countered.

“You know you love my ass.”

Avery couldn’t help but erupt into laughter at his comment. She glared facetiously and smacked his chest lightly. Ville played along and whimpered as he returned to his seat on the counter.

“Now I have to start this coating thing all over. There’s barely enough for one chicken piece.” she whined.

“It’s not my fault. You’re the one that started it, Ave.” he said matter-of-factly.

“After all this, I’m pretty exhausted. I’m not sure I’ll have enough energy for post-dinner activities.” she intimidated.

“We could skip the dinner altogether and get right to those post-dinner activities.”

Avery’s eyes narrowed. She deadpanned, “Not what I meant. Again.”

“I’m having fun playing with your words.” he chuckled.

“I can tell.” she agreed with a laugh.

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I know it's been a while, but I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Let me know what you think! :)