Heartkiller

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

No matter how tightly he pulled the blanket to him, there was a chill sweeping throughout the living room preventing him from staying warm, and Ville rolled over on the couch as he tried to find a more comfortable position. The television was still on, although it was at a low volume so as not to disturb Paige or the neighbors. At the late hour, all the channels were playing infomercials; the occasional re-run was shown on popular channels, but it wasn’t anything Ville was interested in. He lay awake with his legs curled up close to him since the couch was much too small for him to lay snugly. His eyes were wide open, and he stared at the ceiling trying to force himself to sleep. He really needed to get some rest, now more than ever.

He needed to be enveloped by the sheltering blanket of slumber so that he may try to forget tonight’s events, even if only momentarily. Ville was ashamed for what he had done to Avery by sleeping with her assistant. It felt right in the moment, and it was relaxing to let him forget the pain of her death; however, now that he was done and lay alone in the empty room, his actions were free to overwhelm him. The guilt made everything worse; the pain and betrayal he had felt before were overshadowed by the guilt of his actions. Now he was the one to have betrayed his loved one.

“I need a beer.” he whispered.

He was sure the amber liquid would be able to forget his troubles until he was ready to deal with them. At the very least, it would allow him to pass out and get some rest. The rain was still beating fiercely against the windows, and it made it even more difficult to close his eyes for some peace. Ville took the remote off the coffee table and started flipping through the channels in search of some mind-numbing TV show to hypnotize him. He landed on Spongebob, and Ville let the program run in the background while he got up to get his box of cigarettes from the table by the front door. He lit one and settled back into his earlier position on the couch.

Although he would smirk every now and then at some joke on the show, even the idiocy of Spongebob wasn’t enough to lighten his mood very much. Ville rested his head on the arm of the couch, folded one leg, and let the other hang freely off the couch. The cigarette was held between his thin lips while his arms were folded over his chest, as if to challenge the world around him to change his attitude. He was waiting for some signal to the end of his misery and until it came, he was content to wallow in self-pity. So much of his life had been affected by Avery’s death. Aside from his personal hygiene, eating habits, and work schedule, it was like he had lost a limb. He was losing his sanity bit by bit and he needed an elixir.

He was about halfway through the cigarette when he could feel his eyelids drooping. It wasn’t quite sleep, but it came close. Ville put out the cigarette into the ashtray on the table and turned off the television. It wasn’t long before Ville managed to fall into a deeper state of consciousness. One couldn’t define it to be sleep with any certainty. He was tossing and turning with nightmares, but it was a much-welcomed change to sitting up wide awake as he’d been accustomed to doing most nights in the past few weeks.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Ville woke up the next morning, and it appeared as though Paige were still asleep. He went to the bathroom for his morning routine. Because of the awkward posture he had been laying in through the night, his body ached. He could feel the soreness in the muscles of his calves, and he stretched his extremities to ease the tension. He yawned and grabbed his toothbrush out of the tumbler. His gaze lingered on Avery’s brush for but a second before he took the toothpaste and squeezed some out. He slipped the brush into his mouth and scrubbed away fiercely, as if to remove his sins. His face was pale, dark circles were around the perimeter of his dismal eyes, and he wasn’t taking the best care of his hygiene. After he rinsed his mouth, he walked back down the hallway and paused to stretch again, although it wasn’t much help.

The past few weeks he hadn’t been eating very often and when he did, it wasn’t very much. This morning, he was ravenous and he shuffled his way to the kitchen to fix himself some breakfast. Once he was standing in front of the stove, he took out a bowl from the cupboard and poured himself some cereal. After adding the milk, Ville turned to return the carton when something on the side of the fridge caught his eye. He set the carton back on the counter. With the bowl in hand, he took spoonfuls of cereal while staring at the things on the fridge.

There were a few photographs of the happy couple, but there was also Avery’s calendar held up by a magnet. It was still labelled November. What caught his eye was the red circle around the date November 3rd with the words ‘Tell VALO’ written inside. That was the day after the fatal accident that had claimed Avery. Ville furrowed his eyebrows. What was she going to tell him?

His eyes flew back a few days to see October 31st had its own special note. The date had a big heart drawn around it with the words ‘Valo is home’ written inside. Similarly, the Saturday dated November 2nd was marked to remind her of Ville’s tour wrap party. Because of the calendar’s place on the fridge and the fact that Ville spent little time in the kitchen, he hadn’t noticed it in the previous weeks. Now that he had wandered into this room for a meal, he stood transfixed by the image as he tried to figure out what it meant.

"Morning." Paige greeted, causing Ville to nearly jump out of his skin. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"S'okay." He said with a mouthful of food and gave a sideways glance to acknowledge her. "Cereal?" He offered and pointed to the milk and cereal box still on the counter.

“Yes, please," she said graciously and gravitated towards the items. "What are you looking at?"

Her mood was rather chipper, and last night’s events didn’t seem to faze her. Paige acted as though everything was normal. She was dressed in the same tunic she had changed into last night, and her hair was in a disheveled mess at her shoulders. Ville was still looking at the fridge and had turned only to point out the cereal.

"Huh? Oh, it's this calendar. Avery's calendar, actually. I'm trying to figure out what she had planned. Do you know what was supposed to happen on November 3rd?"

"That date doesn't seem to stand out to me, no. Why?" She asked. Paige came up behind him and looked at the calendar.

"Do you know what any of this means?" he asked, with his gaze still focused on the date.

"Other than the obvious, no, I don’t know."

Paige went around to the other side of the kitchen counter to the living room. She leaned against the counter and stirred the bowl, debating how to broach the topic on her mind. Ville still waited at the fridge trying to decode what was written. He took infrequent bites and chewed slowly while his mind was consumed by the enigma of the calendar. It was the first sense of communication that he had had with Avery since she passed; it may have only been a note on a calendar, but it meant something. It meant that at some point, she had a secret that she was going to tell him. It was a reminder that the couple was supposed to have a life together and that there were plans that had been set forth.

He finished his cereal and put the bowl in the sink as he thought about what this could mean. Ville leaned his back against the counter opposite Paige so that he could face her, but he wasn’t paying attention to the glint in her eyes or the smirk on her face. His eyes narrowed in thought as he looked past her to the windows of the living room, and he chewed his bottom lip. He didn’t know if this was important; maybe he was racking him mind over something insignificant. Maybe she was just going to tell Ville to run an errand for her or something. It could mean nothing.

“Do you know what--” he started to say.

“Can we talk about last night?” Paige interrupted at the same time, having finally mustered the courage to talk to him.

He pulled out of his trance to make eye contact with her. Ville wasn’t expecting to have a discussion about what had transpired, especially since having sex with Paige was the last thing on his mind right now. He didn’t understand what there was to talk about or what details were blurred from last night that he needed to elucidate for her. He was caught off guard, resulting in a somewhat awkward response.

“Um, yeah, sure. What, um, what do you wanna talk about?” he asked hesitantly.

“Last night, we kind of ran into things without really thinking about it. I don’t know if you were completely okay with what we did; sure, we stopped for like a second, but at that point, it was too late to turn back. It’s a little embarrassing to stop when our tongues were--” she paused to withdraw from the line of thought. “Well, you know what I mean. The way we did things was really--”

“What do you want to know, Paige?” his impatience for her tangents was evident. He had more important things to think about.

“I just need to know that it was something you wanted to do. Do you-- do you regret what we did?”

She certainly didn’t regret what had happened, but he was under different circumstances. He was still grieving the loss of a spouse, which was monumentally different from having a spouse cheat on you. Despite the similar emotions the two events elicited, despite the reasons they had provided to rationalize their actions in the moment, the major difference between the two people was that Ville still loved his partner. Paige didn’t. The lack of guilt she had felt about cheating on Russell only affirmed her suspicions.

Ville sighed and pursed his lips. He didn’t want to tell her the truth and inadvertently make Paige feel worse than she did after finding out that her husband had cheated on her. Telling her that he regretted it would make her feel more guilty, and he’d rather avoid that with a little white lie. Hopefully, she’d believe him and leave him alone to his thoughts.

“No,” he lied.

“Good… good. I just wanted to be sure that, um, you didn’t think-- well, good.” she said. Paige walked to the sink to politely wash her dish.

“Anyway,” he said, trying to change the subject. His mind was still overwhelmed by the calendar. “Did she tell you about her plans for that weekend?”

“Who?”

“Avery.” he said and pointed to the calendar. “Remember?”

“Oh, right…” she recalled and insisted, “I already told you that I didn’t know what was supposed to happen on that day. I wish I could help, really, but she didn’t tell me anything.”

“Do you know if it was related to her work?”

“Not that I’m aware of Ville. All I know about is that for the past few months, she had changed her work schedule. She was only coming in a few days a week, and even then, she wasn’t working with clients. She had created a special program to work with the associates more closely, so she focused all of her time on them-- I don’t know why she did that because the associates are under the junior partners’ control. As a senior partner, she didn’t have to worry about them--but she was putting in a lot of work to help them. That’s… that’s all I know.”

“When did this start?” he inquired.

“A few months ago. Maybe a couple weeks after you left for tour?” she said unsurely. “You didn’t know about this?

Ville shook his head ‘no’ and pressed further, “Why? Why would she do that?”

“I don’t know. She was way over-qualified, but she was the one who volunteered to do it. Nat jumped at the chance to create some friendly competition in the workplace.” she said offhandedly, itching to change the topic.

“Really? That doesn’t sound like her. Avery likes to challenge herself; why would she do something that was so… Uh, effortless?” Ville narrowed his eyes and stared off while deep in thought. He was puzzled by Avery’s behavior, which seemed so out-of-character.

“I thought it was kind of strange, too. I don’t know what to tell you.” she shrugged.

Her answers were curt because she didn’t have any interest in this conversation. Her mind was elsewhere. Paige was standing beside him and looked up to meet his eyes. Now that Ville had confirmed that he didn’t regret what they had done, she had no qualms with trying for round two. She wanted more. She didn’t regret having sex with another man when she was technically still married to her husband; if anything, Russell deserved it. Her concern wasn’t with Russell’s feelings but with her own and what she wanted. What’s more? She didn’t even care for the fact that Ville was Avery’s husband. His answers earlier had just told her that he wasn’t bothered by their relationship, so why should she be?

“I wonder why she didn’t tell me--” Ville spoke.

Paige interrupted with a kiss on his lips. Unlike last night, he didn’t wait for her to pull away. He immediately turned his head to disconnect their lips, and she settled back on the heels of her feet. Ville looked at the floor; he couldn’t make eye contact as he said his next words.

“Look, I know I said that I didn’t regret what happened last night, and I don’t. It was nice, it was needed, and it was cathartic… But it can’t--we can’t do that again. It’s in our best interests. I’m sorry.” he said.

“Nice is the polite way of saying that it sucked.” she said with an awkward smile as she nervously rubbed the back of her neck.

“No, it’s not, it’s--”

“Relax, it’s fine. I’m the one who should be apologizing for crossing the line. I just made it from cordial to embarrassing.” she said and rubbed her neck. Her face was red with chagrin. “I totally took it too far.”

“You can still stay here for as long as you need.” he reassured. Ville didn’t know what else to say.

“Thanks… You know, I think I’m, um, I’m gonna go to the store really fast.” she excused herself. “I’ll pick up a few things. I feel like I should restock your fridge to pay you back for letting me spend the night.”

Paige pulled her hair back into a ponytail and threw on an oversized jacket. She raced out of the apartment; she felt completely humiliated by what she had done and couldn’t wait to leave the room. Ville sighed. He didn’t mean to make her feel so uncomfortable, but he also couldn’t sleep with her again. The guilt from last night was already eating away at him, and he couldn’t put his body through further stress. He went to the coffee table to pick up his box of smokes and lit one up. The nicotine pulsed through his blood and calmed his nerves.

His mind regressed to the earlier matter: Avery had changed her work schedule. When did this happen? Why didn’t she mention anything when they spoke on the phone? They strived to preserve a sense of normalcy when he was on tour by keeping their interactions as close as possible to the way they were when Ville was home. His being on tour didn’t change anything about the way Ville and Avery were with each other; at least, they tried not to let the distance hinder their relationship. Now, Ville found out that he had kept a big secret hidden from him, and he couldn’t understand why. What could possibly have been going on that she would change her work schedule? What else was she hiding?

His cellphone started ringing and he picked it up to answer it. The caller ID read ‘Seppo.’ Ville sighed; he had a feeling he knew what this call was going to be about.

“Hey, what’s up?” he asked in Finnish.

“Hey, Ville. How are you doing?”

“I’m well. How are you?”

“You could try to lie better than that.” he admonished. “Your therapist called. She said that you stormed out of your session yesterday.”

“That’s nothing.” he dismissed.

“If she called to tell me about it and to express her concern, it certainly is something. Why did you leave? What happened?”

“I was irritated. It’s been building up over time and I can’t take it, Seppo. I’ve been going there and telling her things when she’s an absolute stranger. It’s been a month now, and I haven’t made any progress. I still feel as shitty as I did before. It feels so useless, and… therapy--it’s not something us Finns are particularly comfortable with, you know.”

“You don’t want to do it anymore?”

“No, not really. I don’t see the point.” He replied and rubbed his eyes.

“I understand that it’s making you uneasy, but the fact is that it’s for your own good.” Seppo tried to reason. “Ville, she’s keeping an eye out.”

“An eye out on what? On me?” he replied, as though it were a crazy suggestion.

“What else?” he retorted.

“Look, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I’m staying away from balconies, I promise.” he said and rolled his eyes at Seppo’s tone. “I’m not a child to require a chaperone through my daily life.”

“I can’t just take your word for it.”

“You’re going to have to. I’ll see you in Helsinki in a few weeks for Helldone, and you can see for yourself then that I’m doing just fine.”

Ville was absolutely lying through his teeth. He was in no condition to be playing shows. His mind was swarming with thoughts about what the date on the calendar meant, why Avery had kept information from him about her work, and what he had done with Paige. There were just questions and confusion left for him. He was lying because he wanted to be in that position. He wanted to be ready to play on a stage in front of a crowd and let the music overwhelm him. Ville wanted to let the fans and the music sweep him off his feet so that he could momentarily forget all these worries that were inundating his brain.

“What are you talking about? You still want to play the shows?” Seppo asked. He was shocked that Ville thought he was going to be allowed to play already given his current state of mind. It was a preposterous suggestion.

“Of course I do. Fuck, you didn’t cancel, did you?” Ville panicked.

“No, no, I didn’t…” Seppo paused and he had an idea. “But I will, if you don’t finish therapy.”

“Aw, come on,” Ville whined like an eight year old child.

“Yeah, that’s what we’ll do.” Seppo said as if he was convincing himself. “You go to therapy and you do it right, and if the doctor says it’s okay, then we’ll do the shows.”

“If she says I can’t, what are you going to do? Cancel the shows at the last minute? People fly out to see this gig and there are other acts lined up. We can’t disappoint them.”

“I know that, so don’t do anything stupid. I’ll cancel the show if that’s what I need to do to get through to you.” he threatened. “There’s three weeks until Christmas, so three more sessions. If all things go well, you’ll fly out the weekend before New Year’s for the shows.”

“Are you really going to let some stranger tell you that I’m good enough to perform? I’m not a fuckin’ madman, you know? I can handle playing on stage.” Ville tried to convince his manager that he didn’t need this.

“She has a degree, so yes, I will trust her opinion. I’m not budging on this. If you want to be on the stage in a month, you’re going to go to therapy and you’re going to cooperate. Besides, if you think you’re ready to perform, it shouldn’t be a problem to show that to her, right?”

“Ugh. Fine, I’ll go.” He groaned. “You’re impossible sometimes.”

“Good. Your health and safety are the most important things right now. I’m doing this for your own good, son.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. If you really knew what was good for me, you’d let me play the damn show. It would be nice for me to get out and play for a crowd.”

“Prove to me that you’re ready.”

“For fuck’s sake…” he whined.

“Alright, alright. I’ll talk to you later. I wanna hear good things next time we speak, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure.”

“Take care, bye.”

“Bye.” Ville set the phone back on the table and groaned.

Now I really need that beer, he thought. He found it inconceivable for Seppo to believe that another stranger could assess Ville’s sanity from a few sessions delving into his past. That wasn’t going to do anything. It was a waste of time and effort. He looked at the clock, which read 1:13pm. Fuck it. It’s 5 o'clock somewhere, and I don’t care anymore.

Ville went to the bedroom and changed his clothing. He put on a thick coat, beanie, and gray scarf to protect against the rain outside, which was still pouring. He double-checked to make sure that he had his wallet and keys before leaving the apartment. He took the elevator down to the lobby and went into the streets. The liquor store was just at the end of the block and he made his way there with the rain pounding on his back. The cool sensation woke his body up.

When he opened the door to the store, the small Christmas bells that were attached to the handle jingled with the movement. Ville went inside and was welcomed by the smell of the alcohol. Although the sweet scent hit him like a gust of wind, it was like being greeted by an old friend. Ville smiled and revelled in the moment. He walked down the aisles looking at all the brands and kinds of liquor. Pick your poison, and the store had it. Seeing the logos invoked a sense of familiarity for Ville; he connected these vices to a time in his past, perhaps a happier albeit deluded time when he led a carefree life at the top of his game. It was a point in his life where he was travelling through Europe and had every girl’s heart in his hands; had he been told at that point that Ville would end up grieving over the death of a wife in a few years, he would have scoffed at the thought. He walked throughout the store until he found his favorite beer and a grin spread on his face. He picked up two six-packs and went to the counter.

“Hi, there.” the clerk greeted.

“Hello,” Ville replied.

“Is that all?” he asked once he rang up the beer.

“Yeah, that’s--actually, let me get a pack of Red, too.” he said after spotting the cigarettes behind the counter.

“Alright, that’s $34.18.”

Ville handed the clerk his card so he could finish the transaction. He signed the receipt and grabbed the black bag of alcohol.

“Thanks,” Ville said and left the store.

He went back home and opened a bottle of the beer. He relaxed on the couch and set the rest of the bag on the coffee table. Ville turned on the television and watched the screen come to life; it was running some cartoon and he flipped through the channels. He took a sip of the beer, his first sip in six and a half years. He let the liquid burn as it traveled down his throat. Ville missed this.

“Ah. That hits the spot.” he said.

Although he had enjoyed the occasional glass of wine over the years, it was nothing compared to this. He quickly gulped down the beer and opened the next bottle. He got a few sips in before stopping to strip off the excess clothing. The coat, beanie, and scarf came off, and Ville flung them onto the other couch without bothering to put them away properly.

He spent the next few hours drinking and soon realized that he wasn’t able to drink as much as he had before. Prior to rehab, he could have gotten through the two six-packs without an issue. Now, the room seemed to have started spinning after only five beers. Understandably, after six and a half years of sobriety, his body had lost the tolerance to the drug that had been built up; he had to start over now. Ville heard a faint knocking at the door and clambered across the living room to reach the doorway. It took him a moment to figure out how to use the door handle, but he was finally able to get the door open.

“Hey, Ville.” Paige greeted as she walked inside past him. “So, I went and talked to my parents. I told them everything that happened--with Russell, not with you and I--so I should be of your hair soon. They were pissed at him, obviously, but that’s not the point.”

She was by the couch, putting away a few things into the duffel bag that still lay on the floor. She turned to see him walking towards her. His eyes were glazed over, and he didn’t seem to be present.

“I’ll try to be--” she continued, oblivious to the blank look in his eyes or the grin playing on his lips.

It was Ville’s turn to interrupt with a kiss. He bent down to reach her height, and kept his hands on her shoulders to steady himself. They kissed for a few seconds, but Paige pulled away.

“What are you doing?” she breathed.

“You wanted to do this.” he replied and tried kissing her again but she deflected. She could smell the alcohol on his breath and wrinkled her nose.

“You’ve been drinking.” she stated.

There was a slight disappointment in her voice. Despite how poorly she had treated him last night without much care for his feelings, Ville was still a friend. She knew his struggle with the addiction and how hard it had been to overcome it. Paige found it disconcerting that he had regressed to his behavior after knowing how toxic his relationship with alcohol had been.

“Who cares?” Ville said, dismissing her uneasiness.

Ville put his hands around her to prevent her from going anywhere and kissed her again. She let him; she got lost in the kiss, but quickly stopped herself. Paige knew what was happening, and she couldn’t let this continue for many reasons, the most important of which was his lack of sobriety. Even though he had told her that he didn't regret last night, his reaction to her pass this morning was enough to counter that. She knew that if she let this continue, he would again regret it the next morning. He was trying to fill a hole in his heart, but he couldn't do it this way. She wouldn’t let him. Brushing his hands away from her, Paige turned her head to keep her mouth away from his.

“No, no, we can’t. Tomorrow, you’re going to wake up and regret it just like you did this morning. You’ll feel like shit for doing this again.” Paige tried to reason. “I can’t let you do this.”

“Lemme worry ‘bout that, a’right? Not your concern.” he slurred.

He kissed her again, and she started to kiss him back, unable to resist the temptation. She took a few steps backward, and he stayed close. Paige bumped into the back of the couch and stopped. He held her by the hips, and she held onto his arms to steady his posture. He slipped his hands underneath her dress to pull her panties down, and she set to work to unbuckle his belt.

Suddenly, he stopped moving his tongue; his stomach lurched forward and he untangled himself from her. He took a deep breath and started stumbling towards the bathroom. As soon as he was through the bathroom doorway, Ville emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl. The pain burning in his throat was much worse now that the alcohol was coming back up. He held his hair back as best as he could while he finished puking.

“You’re much more fucked up than I am.” Paige said, leaning against the bathroom door frame.

Ville was not lucid enough to hear what she had said, but it was clear that she wasn’t referring to the alcohol. He was in over his head and he needed help.