Heartkiller

Chapter Twenty Six: Wings of a Butterfly

This endless mercy mile
we're crawling side by side
with hell freezing over in our eyes
Gods kneel before our crime

May 10, 2012

“Have you seen my earrings, doll?” Avery called from her place at the vanity in the bedroom.

Ville came up the stairs of the tower from the living room to see his wife fixing her hair. She was having some trouble trying to figure out how to style it. She aimlessly played with the ends while she thought.

“The hoop things? I think they’re on the bathroom counter…” he paused and noticed her struggling. “Do you want some help?”

She pouted and met his eyes in Ville’s reflection in the mirror on the vanity. “Yes, please.”

Ville walked over to her and picked up the hairbrush from the counter. He ran it through her hair to untangle it. “Are you excited?” he asked with a smile.

“To see Burton’s baby?” she clarified. Ville nodded. “Of course. It'll be nice to see them the boys again, too. I haven't seen them in like a year.”

"You miss the band, huh?"

"Mhmm. It's been so long since you've played a show, and I've seen them all. Not to mention the gals! I talked to Kay every once in awhile during the pregnancy, but I didn't get to see her at all! It'll be nice to check in with everyone."

"Yeah." He replied with a weak smile.

Although he smiled at her words, his eyes were empty, signalling that his mind was far away. Avery could see that he was mulling over a topic in his mind trying to figure out how to broach the subject. He stopped brushing her hair and rested his hands at her shoulders. Ville took a deep breath and she looked at him expectantly, eager to find out what he was thinking about.

"What's on your mind, Ville?" She asked.

He looked at her hesitantly and sighed. He dismissed, "Just wondering..."

Avery put her hands over his to reassure him and insisted, "Wondering what?"

"It's just that all this baby talk makes me think about us and when we're gonna have our own family. Our own child."

Avery lowered her eyes. She knew how he felt about this, and she thought she had made her own feelings rather clear. After all, they had had several conversations about this over the past few months. She truly wanted to start that chapter of her life with him, but Avery wanted to do it right. Because of the calculating, careful person that she was, she needed to know and to plan for everything before venturing into a new territory like raising children. It wasn't something that she could do freely regardless of how badly she wanted it.

Ville, however, had grown bored the last few months. Without an album or a tour to keep his hands tied, his mind was left to think about things that he usually didn’t devote much time to. He was able to see that in all these days when he didn’t have work, he could be spending time with a baby. Ville wasn’t delusional; he knew it would be nine months of waiting before there would be a baby in his hands. Still, it was the empty hours he spent lounging on the couch that left him to wonder how different--how much better--life could be with a child.

"I told you time and time again--"

"We're waiting. Right.” He said exasperatedly with an eyeroll. He was growing impatient with what he felt were excuses. “Waiting for what?"

"Waiting to hear from Seppo. Waiting to find out if you still have a job.”

“Why? What about my job?” he replied in a tone barely entertaining the idea that his job and their baby were at all connected. He thought it was a preposterous suggestion.

“It's so uncertain right now." she blurted as she brushed her hair. "Let's just figure that out first."

Avery wasn’t thinking about what she was saying; the conversation had become so mechanical because of how many times they had the same argument. She simply blabbered without thinking about what she was really saying or about the implications of her words. Ville, however, had heard her loud and clear; he dropped his hands from her shoulders and backed away. He was offended by her words.

"So now my career is uncertain? What happened to you supporting me unconditionally over the past few months? Was that all false assurance then?” He probed, raising his voice.

She stood up from her seat and turned so they were no longer looking at each other through the reflection in the mirror. She faced him to make eye contact. As usual, her mouth was moving faster than her mind could make sense of the words, and she had said things she didn’t mean, that Ville’s career was uncertain. He was angry, and she wanted to fix things.

"No, it wasn't false hope. I meant what I said about you and the band being able to work again. I know that something good is going to happen for HIM. I fully believe that you will be signed... But you haven't been yet. At this very moment, it’s not clear what’s happening with that; that’s all I mean. Until we get some idea of the band’s next step, I don't want to bring a baby into this world.”

“Why not? What does my job have anything to do with this?” he asked, missing the point.

He was a man driven by his passion, and right now his heart was yearning for a child. Avery, on the other hand, was a woman driven by reason, and her mind was telling her that it’s not the right time. She tried to explain herself as best as she could; ironically, she knew just how to say things in the courtroom in order to get what she wanted, but around Ville, it seemed that she said all the wrong things.

“It has everything to do with this! A child is not some experiment that you can quit halfway through. If things--”

"I know that a child isn't an experiment. Don't patronize me, Avery!" He interrupted angrily.

"I'm not trying to." she sighed. "All I’m saying is that if things don't go well for HIM, I don't want it to affect our child. A baby is important and serious, and all the love in the world won't make up for a father who is frustrated about his career. I want everything to be just right before we start trying for a baby."

“You keep saying the same thing, but that doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t convince me any more than the last time I heard those words.”

“I end up saying the same things because I don't seem to be getting through to you! For some reason, you seem to believe that I don't want to have children with you. Why can't you understand that having a baby with you is all I want? It's literally all I want.”

“I doubt it.” he said sarcastically.

Avery ignored him and continued. “I think that a baby would only make things better and make us stronger. It will be an incredible, life-changing, remarkable thing, and I can’t wait to bring that kind of joy into our lives… All I’m saying is that it's not the right time. Whenever we talk about this, it's like… Fuck, I don’t know. It’s like you hear me but you don't listen to what I have to say."

“I do listen!” he insisted. “What? Are you complaining now that I’m a bad husband, too?”

“No!” she yelled. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. You know how much I love you--”

“That’s not what this is about.”

“It seems that it is.” she said and let out an exasperated sigh; she was frustrated about the situation but she was also near tears that she was fighting with her husband like this. Avery didn’t like this one bit. "Because if you knew and believed that, you would know that I only have your best interests in mind."

How did they suddenly get here? They weren’t talking about their marriage, they were talking about a baby. The conversation was spinning out of control, and Ville chose to quit while they were ahead.

"Whatever. I can't keep talking about this. I don't have the energy anymore to argue with you." He said defeatedly.

Ville was tired of hearing the same things. Avery sighed. She walked over to the bathroom to grab the golden earrings. She slipped them on and tied her hair into a ponytail. When she returned to the bedroom, she found Ville fixing a beanie onto his head. Avery wrapped her arms around his waist from behind him and leaned her head on his back. She wanted to make sure that things were okay between the two of them before they left the house to see their friends. Ville caught her hands at his bellybutton and pried them away from his body. He took a few steps away from her and didn't bother to turn around.

He was cold. He was upset.

"Ready?" Ville asked, still refusing to look at her.

"Yeah." She barely croaked out, holding back tears.

He started walking downstairs and she followed close behind, grabbing the gift bag to take for the baby. Ville made sure to hold the front door open for her, but that was it. He didn't kiss her. He didn't hold her hand. He didn't touch her.

Avery bit her lip. She felt dejected by the way he was treating her, and it hurt her deeply for him to ignore her like this. Over the past few months that Ville had been home with her, they were always very touchy with one another to make up for lost time. Even when they fought about little things, they never denied their love for each other. This fight was different. Whenever the topic of having a child came up, they had usually been able to hold a civil conversation. They would express themselves clearly and calmly. Today, Ville had become standoffish at her reasoning, leaving her feeling rejected. It was making her feel so low, like he didn't care about her anymore. Avery felt like her beliefs toward the situation was enough for him to rescind any feelings he had for her. It absolutely sucked and it pulled at the very core of her soul, tugging her down into purgatory.

On the way to the car, she awkwardly held her left elbow with her right hand as if to keep herself from falling apart. It was a very real possibility for her to stop in the middle of the driveway and start sobbing, only to succumb to his every wish just so he would hold her again. She was never one to get so emotional, but he was her vulnerability. After the years that they’d been together, she was reliant on his love and now that he was ignoring her, it was suffocating her. Ville wasn't looking at her, so he didn't see her brush away the tears before she got into the driver's seat. Avery knew she had to regain her composure in order to drive properly, and she certainly couldn't show up to Burton's house in such a wreck.

They drove in silence with Ville looking outside the passenger window. He was being stubborn and childish about the whole thing, but she still loved him. Avery just wished that he would show some sign that he loved her too. Unable to find the words to ease his anger, she remained tight-lipped and kept her eyes focused on the road.

When they pulled up to Burton's house, she parked a few houses down. Ville got out of the car, but she took a moment to check her face in the rearview mirror for any visible signs of her discomfort. Her eyes were still a little watery, but that was it. After grabbing the gift bag, Avery got out of the car and shut the door. The couple went up the steps to the front door, and Ville rang the doorbell. They could hear the voices from inside, mainly Mige talking over the rest of them. Katya opened the door, laughing at something that had been said. She turned to the doorway to greet Ville and Avery.

"Hey, you two! We were about to send out a search party or something." She joked. “Nice to see you could make it.”

“Sorry, it’s my fault. I took forever trying to decide what to wear.” Avery excused.

“Ah, whatever. Come on in.”

"Congrats." Ville said with a smile and pulled her in for a hug.

"Thanks." She said with a big grin.

Ville walked inside to the living room where he was met with a round of hellos, while his wife hung back to talk to Katya. He settled into a seat amongst the crowd and eased into their conversation.

"Congrats, Kay." Avery said and handed her the gift bag.

"Thanks, honey. What's this for? You didn't have to get us anything." She teased.

"We wanted to do it." Avery reassured, walking inside. “I knew you would refuse, but it’s just a little something for the baby.”

"Well, thank you."

“Don’t mention it.” she smiled.

Katya led her further into the house. In the living room, everybody from the band was seated on the couches. Vedrana, Natali and Toni had joined them. Lara, Gas and Natali’s three-year old daughter, sat on the rug in the middle of the living room playing with some toys she had brought with her. The little girl paid no mind to the people around her; she was in her own world.

"Look at you, Kay! You don't even look like you gave birth three weeks ago! You look amazing!" Avery complimented.

"Thanks," she replied, slightly blushing now that all eyes were on her.

Avery tried her best to mask her emotions; she didn't feel as happy as she tried to come off. Her mind was still reeling from the fight and the way Ville was treating her. Even now, he was sitting on the end of the couch with no room beside him for Avery to join. There were two open seats side by side next to Mige that would have been just as well. The message was clear: Ville was upset and he didn’t want to be near her right now. With her tail between her legs, Avery sat down next to Mige. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and welcomed her into a hug. The entire group was fluent in Finnish, so the conversation continued as such.

“Hey there, Avery. How are you?” he asked gleefully. She threw on a grin to match his enthusiasm.

“I’m doing well, how ‘bout you?”

“I can’t complain.”

“How’s work going for you? Are you still at that law firm?” Toni asked.

“Yeah, I am. It’s… well, same ole, same ole. How are you guys?” she answered, her eyes flitting about the room to look at everyone.

“I’m doing well.” she replied.

“We were just talking about the new Sherlock Holmes series that’s coming out in the States. Maybe you could settle the argument: Mige thinks the UK version is the way to go, but I think we should give the US a chance. What do you think?” Gas asked.

Avery threw her head back and giggled. “Oh no, I’m not going to get in the middle of this!”

“That’s smart. The girls and I didn’t try to get involved in that either,” Vedrana added.

"There's no right answer we could give. Taking sides between these boys is not a good idea." Toni remarked with a laugh.

"Yeah." Avery agreed.

"What are you talking about? We're just asking for your opinion." Mige objected.

"No, you're not. You're looking for someone to agree with you." Avery countered. Gas and Mige exchanged sideways glances before conceding that what she had said was true. “Where’s Olivia?” she asked Linde.

“She’s with Manna today.” he replied.

“Alright, I’ve got Anastasia all dressed and ready to go,” Katya said, walking into the living room. “Do you guys wanna come see her now?”

“Yeah, let’s do it.” Gas said.

Everybody stood and followed Katya into the baby’s room. Burton was waiting for them in the room while holding the baby in his arms standing next to the crib. They went inside and everyone cooed over Ana, who opened her eyes and explored the room full of new faces with a bright smile. Next to Burton were Toni and Ville while Avery was on the other side of the crib. The others were gathered around them as well. Ana was first passed down to Toni.

“Oh, she’s precious.” she said. “Hello, baby. How are you? Hmm? How are you? What are you looking at?”

“She’s definitely got your looks, Kay.” Ville joked. “Thank goodness.”

Everybody cracked up, and Toni passed Anastasia down to Ville. When he took her into his arms, his smile grew brighter and his face lit up. Ville started cooing and humming to the child who looked back at him in awe. Ana was completely transfixed by what he was doing and forgot all about the other people around her. Ville beamed and gently bounced the baby in his arms, and Ana started to giggle.

Avery watched from the other side of the crib. While everyone else was still focused on the baby, she now had her eyes on Ville. He let out a hearty chuckle at the faces that Anastasia was making at him, and it warmed Avery’s heart to see him so happy. However, it also hurt to know that she was preventing him from being that way with his own child. She was starting to second-guess if she was at all correct to wait to have a baby. After all, Burton and Katya were doing it, and they were in the same situation as Ville and Avery were in. They too had their worries about the band’s future. If they could handle it, why couldn’t Avery? Engulfed by the tension and unease, she felt claustrophobic and needed to leave the room for a moment to herself.

"I, um, I need some fresh air. Excuse me." Avery said and left the room.

She returned down the hallway to the kitchen. She went out the back door and rested her elbows at the porch railing. She took a deep breath of the cold Finnish air to relax. It was hard for her to have to see that. Ville was so happy to be holding Anastasia in his arms, and she knew the feeling would only be magnified if the child were his own. He would be a good father. She knew that much.

Avery heard the back door open behind her and someone joined her on the patio. A hand landed gently on her back and slowly rubbed back and forth. Avery turned around expecting to find Ville, but it wasn’t him.

"What's wrong, Avery?" Natali asked.

“It’s nothing.” she dismissed in Finnish with a casual smile.

Natali narrowed her eyes. “Don’t lie to me,” she admonished in English.

Avery sighed. "Ville and I were arguing before we came. He wants to have a baby, and I don't know--I’m just not ready yet. I, uh, want to wait until the whole recording situation gets sorted out so that his mind isn’t elsewhere. We’ve been talking about it for a long time, but today I said some particularly harsh things."

“Like what?” Natali asked and leaned her back against the railing.

“I said that a child wasn’t an experiment for him to quit whenever he pleased."

"Well, that's true." She said. Natali had been a mother for almost three years now and had experienced all the questions and doubts that were consuming Avery’s thoughts.

"I accused his career of being quite uncertain right now," Avery conceded.

"Oh," she remarked, understanding the issue.

"I said that even though I know good things will happen. I know it, you know it, Nat. They’re good. HIM is so good. Somebody will come along and recognize it and sign them again…” she looked down. “But right this second, it hasn’t happened yet, and I worry about him. I worry about his happiness and if we bring a baby into this-- I don’t know, I don’t think I could give two human beings a hundred percent of my care and effort. I don't trust myself to be able to make them both happy. I want to wait until things are calm. Is that so wrong?”

She turned to look at Natali. Avery fiddled with her fingers as she was known to do whenever she was nervous. Natali smiled to comfort her.

“No, it’s not wrong. You want to be a good mother, that’s all. I'll admit that it's hard to raise Lara and support Mika, moreso now because of his injury. The truth is that I wouldn't have it any other way: sure things can be pretty bad, but when they're going well... I-I can't even put into words how happy Mika and Lara make me. I like being a wife and a mother.”

Avery broke eye contact to look at her hands again. “Yeah, well… that’s the other thing. Part of my anxiety--most of my anxiety, actually--is because of my own fears that I’m not going to be good enough. I want to educate myself and read and figure everything out before we start trying. I know that Ville will be a good parent; it’s obvious that he’s a natural… I’m just not so sure if I will be good at that kind of stuff.”

Natali lightly chuckled. “This is all normal, Avery. Having a baby is a scary thing, and you want to be as prepared as you possibly can be. You think I wasn’t scared? I was terrified! It’s normal. You also need to keep in mind, though, that all the parenting books in the world aren’t enough to prepare you for that moment. When you’re holding your baby, your own flesh and blood that you created out of love, it’s… it’s a remarkable thing. You’ll be surprised at how much you’d already know. And what you don’t know… well, that’s what you figure out as the days go by. Trust me, things will fall into place for you.”

Avery heaved a sigh. “I hope so.”

“Look, it’s going to be okay. Waiting to have a baby is fine. Depending on the circumstances, it can be a smart decision. But don’t let your worries of trying to please everybody stop you. Ville is a man; if things don’t go so well for the band, he’ll handle it... The best you can do is to try and be there for him. That's all he can ask of you.”

Lara came out of the back door. Her grey-blue eyes peered up at her mother. “Momma! Juice.” she asked.

“You want some juice? Hmm?” Natali replied with a broad smile.

Lara nodded, and Natali caught the child in her arms and stood up. She turned to check on Avery, who waved her off. Natali went inside carrying the child, leaving Avery alone to brush away the tears and clear her face. She took a few deep breaths to calm herself before returning inside the home.

The other guests had returned to the living room and were sitting on the couches. When Avery walked inside, Ville turned to acknowledge her. He patted the space beside him to invite her to sit, and she did. Although the tension between the couple was still palpable, they put up appearances so as not to concern the others.

Ville placed his hand on her leg near her knee: he was sorry for the way he had reacted earlier. Avery reached to hold his hand, which he subtly pulled away. He was sorry, but still angry, and that’s as much as she would get from him now.

They spent a few hours at the house joking and laughing with the others. Katya had prepared a light dinner, and the group gathered in the living room with their plates of food to continue the conversation. Despite the tension between the couple, there was a warm sense of camaraderie among the guests. After spending so many years together, they had become somewhat of an extended family. While the boys were on tour, the wives were able to consult one another because they understood the emotions they were going through; it was tough to be apart from their husbands. Even though Avery lived on the other side of the ocean, she was welcomed into the circle of wives. It was a deep bond that they shared; no one else really understood the way they felt, and so it was comforting to be able to seek advice from people who could empathize.

Once everybody ate, the guests started to make their way out one by one. After saying their goodbyes to their friends, Ville and Avery retreated down the front steps to the car. When the couple had settled into their seat, Avery looked over at Ville for a quick glance. He seemed considerably calmer than he had been earlier in the day.

“Did you have fun?” she asked as she pulled into the traffic to take them home.

“Yeah. Did you?”

“Mhmm.” she sighed, keeping her eyes on the road.

The answers were short, and she was simply trying to test the waters and gauge the situation. He was talking; that was a good sign. Still, Ville didn’t try to be intimate with her; usually, he would rest his hand on hers in the space between the two seats. As a result, she felt a little awkward and cold, so the ride home was silent. Avery was chewing the inside of her mouth raw as she expressed her frustration. It was quite dark, and she focused on the road to keep her emotions at bay.

Once they got inside the tower, Ville got out of the car first and went ahead to open the front door. The couple walked inside, and she paused in the living room and took a deep breath. This was a major fight, and she needed a moment to gather her thoughts.

“I, um, I’m gonna go to the backyard.” she announced.

“It’s dark out.” he pointed out.

“Yeah, I know, but, um, I want--I need to clear my head, that’s all. I won’t be long.”

“Alright, then. It’s been a long day, and I’m pretty tired. I’m gonna go up to bed.” he said. Ville gave her a small peck on the lips. “Good night.”

“Good night.”

She watched as he retreated up the staircase and went to the bedroom. Avery walked past the stairs to the kitchen and fixed herself a cup of tea to take with her. Once the tea had been steeped, she took the cup to the backyard and sat in the small swing that Ville had custom-made. She sighed and settled into the seat, rocking herself back and forth. After taking a few sips of the tea, she tilted her head back and closed her eyes. This was a major decision.

A baby. Could they do it? Could she do it? That's what worried her. It wasn't even a question about Ville being a good father at all. It was about whether or not she could juggle everything: keeping Ville happy, taking care of the child, and staying on top of her career. Hearing Natali talk so fervently about Lara and holding Ana in her arms made Avery only more eager to have a baby. Seeing Ville so happy was also comforting. Her number one priority was his happiness. He’s all that mattered.

Avery sat and thought about what she wanted to do. Natali's advice earlier had considerably soothed her qualms about being a good mother. She had told Avery that it was a learning process and that she would have maternal instincts that would take over. As scary as raising a child was, Natali had said it was the most rewarding feeling. That had to count for something. Having a child still seemed daunting, but Avery was slowly starting to gain faith in her ability after only hearing Natali’s words.

Her other concern had been the timing. Ville was still preoccupied with talks of record labels and the sound for the next album. He was overwhelmed by the pressure to put out another hit, and the break HIM was taking was disconcerting. After the break and the industry logistics, Ville would no doubt be back in the studio, after which came the inevitable: promotion and touring. He would be away a lot.

If it wasn't one thing, it was another. From production to promotion to touring, Ville would always be traveling. That's what he had always done and what he would continue to do for years to come. Avery didn't want to change that. This was the man she fell in love with, despite his hectic work schedule. By the time things settled down and he was ready to be home for long periods, Avery's body would have aged. Who knows if she would be viable to bear a child? Could she risk that? Could she risk continuing to work for a few more years at the expense of Ville's happiness? At the expense of their ability to expand their family?

Avery sighed. She needed help making this decision. She needed someone to push her in the right direction. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and dialed her mother’s number. Although Grace was in New York, the time difference meant that it was about six a.m. there, and she would be getting ready to go to work. The line rang twice, and Avery considered hanging up. This could wait until Avery got back home, right? She was about to hang up when her mother answered.

“Hello, dear. I'm surprised to see you call so early in the morning. Aren't you in Finland?”

"Yeah, I am. I wanted to talk to you, that's all. Do you have a minute?" Avery whispered. Her voice wavered due to her nervousness.

"Yeah, is something wrong? Are you okay? Is Ville okay?" Grace asked, worried by her daughter's tone.

"Yeah, he's fine. We, um, we got into a pretty big fight, and I wanted your opinion about something."

"What did you fight about?"

Avery sighed. "Having kids."

"Mm." Grace said, fully aware of the couple's situation.

"I don't know, mom. Am I--" her voice caught in her throat. "Am I wrong?"

"You know I want grandkids, so you know that I’m biased about this." Grace said candidly.

"Right. But I'm not saying that I don't want kids... There's a lot going on right now, isn’t there? Is it wrong for me to want him to sort out his career first?"

"Don't try that with me. As far as I know, there isn't much going on. You are going to work, and Ville is between labels. What else is there?"

"That's about it." Avery conceded. "I worry about him, though."

“Worry about what?”

“His happiness. What if I fuck things up? What if I’m a terrible mother?”

"You won’t be a bad mother. You have lots of help around you if you need it. Avery, honey, look, you're both happy, young people who are completely in love with one another. That's more than a lot of other people who have had kids, especially in this day and age. So Ville isn't working right now. So what? It doesn't mean he's never going to work again. He'll find something, and then he'll be off to who knows where. That's not an issue."

"So you're saying that he's right? That we should start trying?"

"I'm not saying he's right or that you're right. That's not my place. What I will tell you is that you can't waste your time waiting for some perfect magical moment where everything will be right. Life doesn't work that way. Just when you think you can relax and settle into some sort of rhythm, you'll be thrown a curveball from left field. You can't let that stop you from doing what you want to do. If you both want to have a baby, then do so. The jobs, the money, that's not something you need to worry about, not when your father and I are here to support you should something go wrong. Money and jobs will come and go, but the bond that you and Ville share is unbreakable; it will get you through anything. "

Avery huffed. "How do you always know just what to say?"

"Where do you think your courtroom etiquette comes from? Don't you always know just what to say when you're in front of a judge?" Grace questioned with a light giggle.

"Yeah… You're a good mom, you know that?"

"You will be, too, honey." Grace assured.

"Thanks for everything. I'll let you get off to work."

"Alright then, I'll see you when you get back home."

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye, sweetie." Her mother said and hung up the phone.

The answer was clear. She stood up having come to a conclusion: she couldn’t keep putting this off when all that matters was that she and Ville both wanted to start a family. Her confidence in her ability to raise the child wouldn’t abruptly change one day; she would never know unless she tried. Avery couldn’t keep waiting to clear the milestones in their careers when a baby was the biggest milestone of their lives.

Avery went back inside the house and put the teacup into the sink before softly going up the steps. She didn't want to wake Ville but decided to tell him the good news the next morning. The bedroom was dark, and Ville’s sleeping form lay still. However, when she crawled into bed, she was surprised when his strong arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her close to him. He twisted his body backward to turn the bedside lamp on and returned to see her illuminated face. With his hands cupping her cheeks, Ville placed a gentle kiss upon her lips. She looked back at him with curious eyes, confused as to his sudden mood change. Only an hour ago had he been dismissive and mechanical with her.

"I didn't want you to go to sleep thinking I was upset with you," he explained. "Because I'm not upset with you. I know you didn't speak with malice when you said that things were uncertain. They are uncertain, and you're right. You always are," he said with a chuckle. "You're always so rational about everything whereas I'm so emotional. This morning, I was-- you know, I was frustrated with the conversation, that's all."

"I know you were frustrated. I'm sorry for what I said, too. Even though you're being so understanding about it, I wasn't right to be so rude to you."

"I'm the one who should be apologizing, darling. I'm sorry for how the argument went about this morning... And for the way I've been this whole day. I'm really sorry. I was wrong. If you want to wait to have a baby, we'll wait." Ville said, brushing her hair behind her ear. He kissed her once more and she pulled away.

"I don't." She said.

"What do you mean, Ave?"

"I don't want to wait. It seemed rational to me at the time, but I’ve reconsidered things… I can't wait anymore. I want to have kids, and you want to have kids; that’s the only thing that’s relevant. There's no sense in putting this off any longer. There's always going to be something in our lives that's difficult and distracting, whether it's your career, or mine, or... Whatever. There's always going to be something, and we can't put things off waiting for the perfect moment. There's no better time than right now. I want this. I want a baby. I want to have our baby." Avery reiterated with a broad smile.

Ville beamed. "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. I'll stop the birth control and we can start trying. We can start trying right now." She said excitedly with her fingers intertwined at the nape of his neck.

"Right now, hmm? I like the sound of that." He said and brought his lips to hers. "I love you, Ave. You know that?"

She beamed at the words. "I love you, too, Ville."