Heartkiller

Chapter Twenty Nine: The Foreboding Sense of Impending Happiness

Tip toeing along a strand of your hair suspended between
These thoughts and actions miles above reality

Tuesday, November 21, 2012

The bedroom was littered with various items as Avery searched for what she needed. All the while, the duffel bag sat empty at the edge of the bed. Did she need this black jumper? What if she felt like wearing a maxi dress and she hadn’t packed it? There could even be a day when she wanted to wear shorts and a tanktop--nevermind the fact that it’s November in Finland--and she wanted to be prepared. These were the kinds of questions looming in her head as she picked apart her attire deciding what she wanted to take. They were irrelevant, though; Avery had a complete wardrobe already sitting in her closet at the tower, so she didn’t really need to pack anything for her spontaneous trip. However, she was too nervous to see her husband that she couldn't think straight.

Although she meandered around the bedroom with handfuls of clothing, her attention was focused on the phone conversation she was having with Paige. She needed to make sure her assistant was prepared to hold down the fort at the office while Avery was gone.

“Yeah, and the Landon case isn’t going to trial until next week anyway. I’ll be back by then.” Avery continued as she scouted the bedroom, muttering something about a blue ruffled blouse.

“Okay, and the deposition that was supposed to be tomorrow afternoon needs to be rescheduled.” Paige pointed out.

“Oh, that was going to happen anyway. Zane has been so capricious and has been calling to reschedule so many times. Tomorrow was the third date we had decided, so I’m sure he’s not going to complain too much if you change plans. If he does though, feel free to send him my way. I’ll deal with him.”

She went to the bathroom and got her makeup bag. She started filling it with her essentials as Paige made a checklist of things she needed to do. With way too many things on her mind, Avery failed to realize that she had most of these belongings at her second home in Ville's tower. However, since she had to leave for her flight soon and had a list of things to get through before boarding, Avery was a little overwhelmed and consequently packed unnecessary things. When her pouch was full, she returned to the bedroom and tossed her makeup bag inside the duffel.

“Fuck, my passport.” she remembered and went to the dresser to fish it out.

“You may need that.” Paige smirked.

“Yeah.” she scoffed lightheartedly at the sarcastic comment. “Do you need anything else from me?”

“No, I think that’s it. You’ll be available by email, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course. I’m going to Finland, not dropping off the map.” Avery chuckled as she tossed a few more things into her bag.

“Just checking.” Paige replied and leaned forward in her desk. “Did you finish packing?”

Avery glanced at the black bag to see that a green dress, jeans, some undergarments, her makeup bag and passport had been packed. The uncertainty was clear in her reply: “Uh… yeah. Almost.”

She rolled her eyes, knowing that Avery was lying through her teeth. With sarcasm dripping from every word, she replied, “Uh huh. If you say so.”

In response, Avery changed the subject. “Alright, I’m gonna head out soon. We’re good, right?”

“Yeah, we should be. I’ll email you if anything comes up.” Paige assured. “You have fun with your husband.”

“Kay, see you Monday.”

“Bye, fly safe.”

“Thanks.” She replied.

Avery hung up her cellphone and tossed it onto the bed. She walked around the room and picked up the clothing that was scattered; every once in a while, she would throw a garment into the bag to fill it up. When the floor was clear of the mess she had created, the bag contained a menagerie of apparel and the remaining clothes formed a pile near the closet door. It seemed like she was ready to leave. While pointing at the various items she had packed, Avery went through a mental checklist of the things she needed.

Laptop, passport, ticket, makeup, clothes, keys, toiletries… phone. Camera? Do I need my camera? Maybe I should pack that, she contemplated. Hmm, I don’t know. I may need it, but… I don’t want to lug the weight. There’s one in Hels anyway… Yeah, I should be fine. Okay. Anything else? Mmmm. Laptop, passport, ticket, phone. Right. I think that’s everything.

Glimpsing at the clock on the nightstand, she muttered curses under her breath. It didn’t matter if she needed anything else because she didn’t have the time to be more thorough. She needed to leave now to go through security and catch her flight. Avery zipped up the duffel bag and lifted it off the bed. After stuffing her phone into her pocket and grabbing her house keys, she started to walk down the hallway with her luggage in hand. She was just nearing the front door of her apartment when she stopped dead in her tracks.

“Oh, Ville’s present!” she yelped. “Duh! How could I forget that?”

Leaving the bag near the door, Avery sprinted back to the bedroom and picked up the wrapped birthday present from the bedside table. She murmured to herself about how much of an idiot she was while she carefully put the small box into the duffel. With her belongings in tow, she slammed the apartment door shut and briskly walked towards the elevator. Once a car reached her floor, she got inside and waited as it descended to the lobby.

When the doors opened, she brushed past the crowd waiting to enter the elevator car. She waved goodbye to Larry, the elderly doorman, who held the door open for her on her way out. He was a tall fellow with salt-and-pepper hair and a leather-like wrinkled face; despite his guise, Larry was an energetic and happy man who always greeted Avery with a genuine smile. This time was no different.

"You’re going on a trip in the middle of the week? Business or pleasure?" He asked after seeing her baggage.

"Pleasure." She quipped with a grin.

“It must be a special day! You have a safe trip, Miss Avery." He said and tipped his hat.

"Thanks, Larry." She waved and slipped a $10 bill into his coat pocket, since she felt extra generous today.

She walked to the edge of the curb and leaned over to look into the distance on the street. After spotting an available cab, Avery stuck two fingers in her mouth to let out an ear-piercing whistle and waved her hand to call attention to herself. When the traffic moved, the cab pulled up alongside the curb to allow her to hop inside. She opened the door and climbed into the back seat, tossing the duffel next to her.

"JFK, International Terminal." She directed as she closed the door.

The cab driver nodded to denote his understanding, and she tugged her seatbelt over her body. Avery pulled her phone out of her pocket to engage in her usual task: sifting through work emails. There were so many things that needed to be tended, and it seemed like she didn't have enough hands to do all the work she intended to. If it wasn't a deposition to mediate, it was a settlement meeting. Her workload had tremendously increased recently due to changes at the office, and the impromptu visit to Helsinki was forcing her to rearrange her commitments. Avery’s time was already limited next week, but, because of this trip, additional tasks had to be penciled into whatever available time she had left. It was inconvenient but there was no way Avery was going to postpone this trip: she had exciting news that she needed to tell Ville in person as soon as possible.

Avery had only booked the flight last night and notified the office this morning that she wouldn't be coming in for the rest of the week. It was a sudden decision because of the unexpected news she now had; she couldn’t wait to share it with Ville. Because she had been overwhelmed by her work last night, she didn't have the time to pack for her flight until literally moments before she had to leave. It was late in the afternoon, and although her flight wasn’t until 8pm, she was pushing her luck about getting to the airport in time for check-in. All this was to see her husband on his birthday and give him life-changing news. She knew it was worth it.

The anticipation was bubbling in her stomach, and she couldn't wait to see her love again. Although Ville had come to the city three weeks ago for a short break from the album, she missed him. The dorky old bugger, whom she was lucky enough to call her husband, was busy recording the next album across the ocean. She was happy for him, but happier still at the thought of the news she was bringing him. She squealed, but covered her mouth with her hand when she realized she was in public. Only a nine hour flight separated them now.

Wednesday, November 22, 2012

It was quite a long voyage. The flight had been delayed two hours due to poor weather conditions in New York City, and she was restless throughout the ride. The awkward seating on the plane didn't provide her with much room to sleep, and the meal was subpar, although her expectations couldn’t be very high for food on the plane. Thankfully, she didn't have to deal with much trouble after that. Avery breezed through security, and, since she had kept her only bag as a carry-on, she didn't have to suffer through baggage claim. Had she needed to endure such things, she wasn’t quite sure her temper would have remained level.

When she exited the airport's automatic sliding doors, Avery was greeted by cool Finnish air licking her skin. The change in environment was evident. The sidewalk was very neat and there was a stillness about the town, in contrast to the noisy buzzing of the New York streets. The trees that lined the airport’s entrance had lost their leaves and stood bare. The grayness of the sky spilled over into the sheen of the air, blurring the horizon line. Tugging her black trenchcoat tighter around her arms, Avery walked towards the line of yellow taxis whose drivers were waiting to pick up customers. She walked up to the first one, who wore a faded beige leather jacket and newspaper cap and leaned against the side of the car.

"Hi, can you take me to the corner of Rauma and Kotka, please?" Avery asked in Finnish when she approached him.

"Yes, twenty four euro." He offered a rate.

Gauging that to be a fair price, she nodded. "Yeah, that's fine.”

The driver went around the front of the car and got into the driver's seat. Avery opened the back door and kept her baggage next to her. Once the taxi pulled away from the curb and into traffic, she pulled her phone out of her pocket and turned it on again. It played a greeting tone and went through a long welcome process to turn on. Avery tapped her foot impatiently as she waited for it to allow her to do anything. She wanted to call Ville and gauge his bearings.

Leaning her head against the window, she looked out at the snowflakes falling to the white blanket that hung over the city. Though she had lived in the City for so many years, Avery felt much more at home here in Finland. Over the past few years since she had been with Ville, she came to Helsinki many times to visit him or his parents or to enjoy the peace of the country. She had fallen in love with the land as easily as she had fallen in love with the man, and she was elated to be here now. The countryside ambience was what really appealed to her. What seemed like hours later, the Blackberry was ready and she quickly dialed Ville's cell number. It rang a few times but went to voicemail.

“Hey honey, it’s me. " she started. Her voice reflected her exhaustion, and she cleared her throat to cover it up. "I just wanted to let you know that I got off the plane in Helsinki and that I’m coming to see you. Listen, I know that you’re working and that I may not have a chance to see you, but I wanted to try anyway. Besides, I have some really good news to share with you. I hope you’re excited! I’ll see you soon. Happy Birthday, Ville! Love you."

Avery hung up and stuffed the phone into her pocket. She settled into her seat and hugged her frame. The cab driver was silent throughout the ride, allowing her to bask in her ceaseless euphoria. She couldn’t believe that after all this time, after all this waiting and effort, that she could finally utter the words. It was as though things had finally fallen into place. She was living the best version of her life, and she couldn’t ask for more. Avery grinned. When she saw the vines of the tower pull into view, she pulled out a few bills from her carry-on luggage to pay the driver.

“Take a right here, please. You can stop right there by that blue car.” She directed. The driver followed her instruction and slowed to a stop on the other side of the street from the tower. Handing the fare to the older gentleman, she thanked him, “Kiitos.”

The driver nodded to acknowledge her words, and she got out of the taxi with her baggage in tow. Once the cab pulled away, she looked both ways before crossing the street and walking up to the home. The street was still, much like the rest of Helsinki at this hour, and there were cars lining the edge of the street. When she opened the creaky black-iron gate, she was overwhelmed by the amount of snow on the pathway. The heels of her boots sunk a few inches with every cautious step she took to approach the front door. Once she had gone up the small staircase to the brown entryway, she pulled her set of house keys from her purse and slipped the appropriate one into the keyhole and turned the knob. Avery dropped her duffel bag as soon as she entered and closed the door behind her, struggling against the gust of wind. She leaned against it for a moment as she soaked in the warmth of the house. It was silent.

“Ville! Honey, are you home?” she called out through the house.

Since there was no response, she pushed herself off the door and took her time removing her large trenchcoat and tall boots. Once she had stripped off the excess clothing, Avery climbed up the spiral staircase. The home seemed to be just as she had left it months ago when she last came. Evidently, Ville spent his days only in his music room and the bedroom. She shook her head; although she admired his diligence in his work, Avery wished her husband would take better care of himself, especially when she wasn’t around to help him.

“Baby?” She hollered once more, but she could see that he wasn’t home.

She walked down the hallway into the bedroom and spotted crumpled balls of music sheets on the floor. It was apparent that there was something in the new album that he couldn't get right, and she could see that it was eating away at him. Whenever they had spoken on the phone, Ville hadn't mentioned his frustrations to her, as he usually would. She hoped that him leaving that information out meant that everything was okay now. Without him with her now, there wasn't much she could do or say to see what was going on.

It was almost noon, and it seemed that the poor Finn had gone to the studio even on his birthday. She would have to wait and hope that her husband would return home from the studio earlier than usual. Her eyes fell on the navy blue sheets of the unmade bed. Having slept very little on the plane, Avery was happy to fall into the comfort of the thick covers. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and made sure the time on her phone had changed to reflect the current time zone. After a quick scroll through her inbox, she tossed her Blackberry beside her and closed her eyes. She was sprawled out on the bed and took up almost all the space, but she was comfortable and that’s all that mattered. Within minutes, she was softly snoring and was transported into a dream.

-----------------------------------------

Avery opened her eyes when she heard the slam of the front door. Her heartbeat was racing and she sat up to rest against the headboard. Her awareness slowly peeled into the current reality and the dream dissolved. With her palms clutching the sheets on either side of her, Avery couldn't relax until she heard his voice as her mind was still shaken up the dream.

“Babe?” Ville announced.

“Up here!” she replied after clearing her throat. She could hear his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs. Within a few moments, his pale face popped into the doorway and she grinned.

"Hello." He greeted with his mouth stretched into a broad smile and walked into the room.

“Hello there, doll. Happy Birthday.” she replied and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

Ville joined her on the bed and approached her to give a kiss. “Thank you.” he said and kissed her again. “What a surprise to see you here.”

“Mhmm. I was hoping you would be home when I arrived." Ville rested his head in her lap and she removed his black beanie so that she could play with his hair. "You went to the studio even on your birthday, my love?”

He shrugged innocently and looked up at her. “What else was I to do, darling? There’s not much here, and we’ve got a lot of work to do. I couldn’t bring myself to take the day off. We laid down the vocals on one of the tracks in almost one go, though, so that was cool.”

“Oh, nice.”

“Yep.” he said, popping the ‘p’.

“How much do you have left?” she asked as she stroked his hair.

“Uhh,” he thought out loud. “I think we have two and a half songs to finish up.”

“And then I get to hear it?”

“Mhmm…” he paused, unsure if he should express the thought.

Avery noticed and her eyes glazed with concern. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know. I feel like something is missing from the album… like there’s a piece of it that’s not quite right. I can’t quite place my finger on the particular thing.” Ville replied, the Scandinavian accent enunciating every syllable.

“You just have the gut feeling?”

“Indeed.”

“I can see that you’ve been frustrated about something.” she said lightheartedly, gesturing at the music sheets on the floor. “Maybe you need an extra song on there to complete the feel of the album?”

“Maybe.” His eyes had been closed but they shot open as he remembered the voicemail she had left him. “Now... you said you had some exciting news for me and I rushed home to receive it. We can talk about the album later. Am I to wait much longer to discover what it is?”

Avery smiled widely and bit her bottom lip. “No, I’ve been way too excited to tell you, so I won’t tease you either. Lemme get my bag and I’ll give you the news, alright?”

The ends of Ville’s lips twitched due to amusement. He agreed, “Okay.”

“Wait here.” she instructed as she bent to give him a kiss.

He lifted his head off her lap to allow her to stand up. While she walked out of the room and down the stairs, Avery adjusted her ponytail, which had gotten messed up as she tossed in her sleep. She reached the living room and went to the duffel bag that she had dropped near the front entrance. She opened the zipper and rustled through her belongings until she found the present. It was a box wrapped in yellow gift paper. On her way up, she took the steps two at a time so that she could reach Ville faster. When she walked into the bedroom, he was sitting on the bed with his legs tossed over one side. He was looking through his phone but put it on the bedside table when he saw her approach.

“Is that my Deathcard shirt?” he asked.

Avery looked down and saw what she was wearing. She had a tendency to wear his clothing to bed in an effort to feel more connected to him. In the rush of packing and getting everything ready, she didn’t have the time to pick out a proper outfit to wear for the day.

“Maybe…” she said sheepishly.

“It looks better on you, anyway.” he grinned and pulled her waist towards him.

Avery handed him the present; her face looked giddy like that of a child excited over a small feat.

“This is the news? A birthday present for me?” he asked, confused but with a teasing smile nonetheless.

“Open it. Trust me, it’ll all make sense.”

Ville took the box out of her offering hand. “Thank you, Ave.”

“Don’t thank me quite yet. You gotta open it first.” she warned and clasped her hands together, eagerly looking down at him.

He tore off the wrapping paper and uncovered a white cardboard box. When he lifted its flap, he pulled out an object covered in tissue paper to keep it safe. Ville unraveled the protective tissue to reveal a black coffee mug.

“I don’t mean to be rude, love, but I don’t understand. This coffee mug is the exciting news that you flew all the way over here for?” Ville asked and looked up at her.

“Read what it says.” she directed, bouncing on her toes and teeming with anticipation.

Ville turned the mug in his hands until he saw red letters that had been painted on the ceramic. “World’s Greatest…” When he saw the last word on the mug, his jaw quivered, and he looked up at his wife. Ville tried to read the expression on her face to see if this was some sort of joke, but she looked so sweet. She looked so genuine and happy when awaiting his reaction. He couldn’t believe it, and his voice wavered when he confirmed, “World’s Greatest Dad. Am I going to be a… I’m going to be a father, Ave?”

She nodded with tears of joy in her eyes. “We’re going to be parents, Ville.” she said excitedly and accepted the hug he extended. With her eyes shut in disbelief that this was reality, she murmured into his shoulder, “We’re going to have a baby.”

Ville embraced her tightly and rocked their bodies from side-to-side. His eyes were shut as he tried to savor the moment, confounded by the surreality. They had been trying for five months whenever they visited each other, and he was incredulous that this had finally happened. They were pregnant. Oh, good Lord. She pulled away but she was still standing in front of him.

"Are you sure?" He asked nervously.

"Mhmm, I took like 7 pregnancy tests this weekend and I went to the doctor on Monday to confirm." Avery assured. “Believe me, I wanted to be positive before I told you.”

He marvelled at her confession, pulling her down to his level gently for a kiss. “How far along?”

“About three weeks.” she said with a broad grin and lifted the black Deathcard shirt to bare her tummy. At this stage, there wasn’t much to see, but Avery still wanted to give him a peek. “By July next year, we’ll have our own Little One to care for just like we’ve wanted.”

Ville gently put his hands on her hips and inched them towards her belly. He ran two fingers from the space between her ribs down to her bellybutton. He smiled.

“Hello there, Little One.” he whispered a greeting. Pulling her hips to him, Ville placed a soft kiss on the skin above her bellybutton.

“See? This isn’t something I could simply tell you over the phone. Then I’d miss this incredible reaction you’re having, and…" Avery blinked away tears of happiness. "It makes me so happy to see you this way. I’m so excited for us, and I--I can’t believe this."

“I’m glad you came.” Ville agreed and stood up to embrace her. She perked her head up and kissed him. “It makes me want to stop everything I’m doing just so we could be together throughout all this. I don’t want to miss a thing.”

“I know, I don’t want you to miss anything, either. I want you to be there for it all. The good, the bad.” Avery rested her head on his chest. “Did you know that on the plane ride over here, I half-considered quitting my job so that I can live here with you?”

“What?!” he said flabbergastedly. “No, I won’t let you do that. Honey, you just made senior partner a few weeks ago. It’s something you’ve been working toward for so long, and I… You can’t give that up just for us. That’s--no, I won’t allow it. I’m sure we’ll work something out.”

“I hope so.” she whispered glumly and let go of him.

Ville sat back on the bed against the headboard and pulled her into his lap. She rested her legs on either side of him and sat with her arms wrapped around his shoulders. Avery rested her head on his chest. They were as close together as possible.

“When do you think we should start telling everyone?” Ville asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to tell people until we know that the baby is safe and healthy. The first trimester is so critical and you know… there’s so many things that can go wrong.” Avery frowned. “I wanted to tell my mom and your mom, especially. Can you imagine how happy they’re going to be? It’s going to be… just so great. But I want to make sure things are okay first before I get their hopes up. If something were to happen--”

“Nothing bad is going to happen, you worry-wart.” he teased lightheartedly.

Avery smiled at his attempt to lighten her mood. “But if something does happen, it’d be much more difficult if everyone else knew, you know? Anyway, In the mean time, there’s so much we have to do to get ready! We need diapers and blankets and a bassinet--”

“We have a long time before…” he paused. “Do you know what the gender is?”

She shook her head. “Nope. The baby doesn’t even have a gender yet. It’s just a little ball of cells and love right now.”

He chuckled at her sweet voice, and her head rocked with the vibrations of his torso. “A little ball of love.” he noted. “Well, we have a long time before the little ball of love arrives, so don’t fret, my dear, we will get through all the necessary preparations.”

“We gotta be ready! We need to figure out a nursery for the apartment in the city and for this tower. And get toys and baby clothes… There’s so much to do!” she exclaimed.

“Well, you’re not gonna do it alone. I’ll be right there to help you out.” Ville soothed and she smiled.

“That’s true. I have you.” she let out a sigh of relief and hugged him tighter. “I’m so glad you finally know. Oh my God, you don’t even know how hard it was to get through the flight. I just wanted to be here. I’m so excited for us, honey. I can’t believe it.” She kissed his collarbone, right over Maya Deren’s eye. She whispered to convince herself of the truth: “We’re having a baby.”

They sat in silence for a while to allow the news to settle in. Ville was lost in thought about what life would be like once the baby arrived and the kinds of changes he would need to make in his work schedule. He wanted to be sure to be present in his child’s life; it wasn’t enough to visit every once in a while or to carry through life by checking in on the phone. He had seen the rest of the bandmates manage it that way with their own children, but Ville knew it wouldn’t be enough for him. Knowing how amazing Avery was, he was sure this baby was going to be incredible. He didn’t want to miss out on anything.

Avery, on the other hand, was worried about the immediate changes she needed to make. Her life was about to take a dramatic turn and she needed to be ready. If she was prepared for all whatever situations she expected to face, Avery reasoned that there was a chance she would be able to deal with the unexpected. Still, this was a baby. When it came to things about the law, she was fearless because she knew she was equipped to deal with the challenges that came her way. After all, she had spent three years studying everything there was to know and had additional years of experience in the field. Avery was confident that she could tackle any situation about the law. There wasn’t a similar training that she could undergo in order to raise a child. Her initial fears from months ago, the very things that had made her apprehensive and reluctant to start trying for a child, remained and, if anything, were magnified.

“Ville, I have a confession.”

“Shoot.” he replied and pulled her waist closer to him.

“I’m scared.” she admitted without looking up at him. “I mean, this is a real live human being… We don’t get second chances, and we’re being given this huge responsibility to rear this child to be a decent person, and I’m… I’m scared I’m going to fuck it up.”

“Can I confess something to you?”

“Hmm?” Avery encouraged.

“I’m scared, too.” He sighed. “I don’t imagine anybody is ever ready with all the answers for this sort of thing, though.”

“Then how does anybody do this? I’m so crippled by fear that… I don’t know, our child is going to grow up to hate me.”

“That’s nonsense. One can’t help but love you, Ave. You don’t have to worry about that.”

Avery giggled. “Coming from you, that’s a little biased.”

“It’s the truth.” he reassured with a toothy grin. “I can’t wait to meet the little nugget.”

“Me neither. I hope he has your good looks and your creativity and imagination. A little mini-Ville… I guess, that puts me in an uncomfortable dilemma. I don’t know which one of you would be more amazing.”

“What makes you so sure it’ll be a boy, Ave?”

She frowned at her uncertainty. “I guess I don’t know. I suppose it could be a girl with your good looks and your creativity and imagination. That’s just as well.”

Ville let out a staggering laugh and nearly fell to his side. “Well, if we’re making bets, I think the baby will have your wit and humor.” He pulled away to look at her as he spoke. “And your blue eyes, I can’t forget those. She… or he… is going to grow up to be a heartbreaker, that’s for sure.”

“Are you speaking from your experience as a heartthrob?” Avery teased.

“No, it comes from experience chasing one.” he quipped cleverly.

“Ahh, I see.” she smirked and kissed his mouth.