Heartkiller

Chapter Thirty Three: Behind the Crimson Door

Death served wine for lovers
Brought from the world where devils reign
And intoxicated angels with sorrow
They witnessed in the eyes of their slaves

Monday, February 4, 2013

Avery, bouncing up and down on her toes, stood in the airport at the metal railing that separated passengers from the New Yorkers at the airport. She pulled the coat tighter around her bosom as her eyes eagerly peered through the crowd, waiting to see her husband’s familiar face come around the corner. She couldn’t wait to see him. Of course she couldn’t wait. It had been almost a month and a half since she had kissed Ville’s lips or laid in his arms. They’d been spending their time on Skype dates for the past few weeks; after having him home for so long, it was difficult for her to readjust to Ville being out of the country. For a few months, they had been eating dinner together at a real table and laying in each other’s company as they discussed everything from the mundane events to 80s music. They were reminiscing their younger days and planning their futures in the comfort of their bedroom. Since he was recording the next album, Avery had to settle for 2am Skype calls and emails to keep themselves in each others lives. Occasionally, she would fly out to Finland, but a weekend with Ville was not enough. She couldn’t wait to see him again and enjoy the company, however short his stay may be.

At the same time, she was nervous and concerned to tell him what had happened. For the past eight days since she had found out about the miscarriage, she would force a smile on her face during the day as she struggled through work and roll around on the bed at night unable to stop thinking about the day at the hospital. She had been catching a few minutes of sleep every now and then, but only because her body required it; still, it had taken a considerable amount of concealer to cover her dark circles to make herself presentable. If Ville noticed anything amiss, he would ask her questions until he found the truth, and Avery wanted to stall the sadness and pain as much as she could. Once she told him, she knew things would never be the same. She wanted to revel in these last moments of happiness as long as she could.

She knew Ville was having a rough time as it is with his work, and she hated to have to add more to his plate. He had called her last night before his flight to say that the band had finished recording the next album. The songs had been recorded and Tim Palmer was working on the post-production work. Still, Ville had made it clear that the album wasn’t ready yet; there was something missing, and the rest of the band agreed. For now, whatever songs that had been recorded so far could be produced to the final product, but the album wouldn’t be released until everybody felt satisfied. HIM was never a band to churn out records like a factory assembly line. They put care and thought into every detail of every album, and despite the years since the last album, HIM didn’t want to release Tears on Tape until everything seemed right.

So, Avery knew that he was already stressed out. She certainly didn’t want to make him the fool and keep the news from him long; she just wanted some time to welcome him home before she threw a curveball his way. At this point, she didn't even know if she'd have the strength to form the words. It took all her energy just to stand in the airport with the risk of breaking down in tears threatening her every second. She looked at the time on her phone and noted that his plane landed an hour ago.

She sighed and whispered to herself, “Come on, honey... where are you?”

Meanwhile, Ville disembarked the plane and went through security. It took some time because of how many passengers there were, but he remained patient. After a hectic few months, he was excited at the chance to spend time with his wife, especially since she was pregnant. It was a whole other world and he had only been around her for a few days thus far in the pregnancy. He needed a distraction from his work, which was stressing him out terribly. It had taken a few months to finally have the chance to record an album, and even still, Ville wasn’t satisfied with the tracklist to release the record. There was something amiss, and it was incredibly frustrating for him not to know what exactly was wrong. The album had been put on hold for now, and he hoped that taking a break for a few days would allow him to figure it out. He thought maybe the band had become so immersed in the record that they weren’t able to see the bigger picture.

He sighed. It took almost forty-five minutes to get through security and immigration, and Ville was anxious to get out of the airport. Thankfully, he didn’t have any checked baggage, so he was able to move quite smoothly.

When he rounded the arrivals corner, Ville was surprised to see his wife waiting near the ramp as other travelers found their relatives and friends. He could see her bundled up in several coats and peering over the edge of the silver railing as she waited to see his face. When she did, Avery lit up with recognition and hurried to the end of the walkway to meet with him. Ville quickened his pace and pulled her into a hug when they finally reached each other.

Bending down to kiss her, Ville smiled, “Hello, love. I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”

“Hello, sweetheart.” Avery mustered a grin to mirror him and replied, “Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you and I was too excited to see you that I couldn’t go to work.”

“Ah.”

“Yep. Are you ready to go?”

“Indeed, we are. Lead the way, darling.” he said and took her hand in his. She squeezed it tightly.

Accustomed to traveling light, Ville only had his backpack with him. The couple weaved through the throng until they reached the automatic doors to exit the airport. When they reached the curb of taxis, they approached the first available one and Ville gave their destination before getting inside. He placed his bag on the floor of the cab and the couple sat next to each other in the backseat. She squeezed his hand and brought it to her lips to place a kiss on his knuckles. Ville looked at her and smiled; he let go of her hand so that he could pull her into a side-hug.

“I missed you, prinsessa.” he said.

She looked down and grinned at the petname. “I missed you, too. How was your flight?”

“Ah, well.” he dismissed. “Long. Boring. The usual… How’s the Little One?”

His hand gravitated towards her belly, and Avery shifted in her seat. Her efforts at remaining nonchalant were abysmal at best. The very mention of the baby had made her uncomfortable and nervous, and she knew that she was distancing herself from him. Unwilling to answer him directly, she excused, “Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when we get home... Speaking of, what do you want to eat for lunch? Do you wanna have… oh, I don’t know. Pasta, maybe?”

Since Ville didn’t appear to show any sign that he was concerned, she thought that maybe he was too tired from the flight to notice her change in disposition. Avery didn’t want him to say anything; she didn’t want to confront the issue at least until they were within the safety of their home.

“That sounds good to me… What have you been up to while I’ve been gone?”

“Much of the same thing I’ve always done, Ville.” she murmured. At her next words, she looked up to meet his gaze and bubbled with elation, “You’re the one who’s been out living the life! Any stories for me?”

“I’ve been holed in a crook in the wall of a shitty little country called Finland, so… nothing too exciting has been happening there.”

“Oh, come on.” she rolled her eyes. “Why are you so dismal about Finland? I love that place.”

“That makes one of us.” he joked. “Nah, I’m only kidding. It’s Finland, it’s frozen Hell. How could I not love it?”

“‘Frozen Hell.’” she repeated. “I’m pretty sure that’s an oxymoron, baby.”

“Not quite. Hell is just any place of torture or misery… there’s nothing said of the scorching temperatures that you’re thinking about.”

She rolled her eyes. “You nerdy loser.”

Ville burst into laughter, the boisterous noise rumbling his chest. “Yeah, yeah, but I’m your loser, right?”

“Unfortunately.” she exaggerated. Changing the topic, she asked, “So, what’s up with the new album? Why am I not allowed to hear the sweet music you’ve been creating?”

“It’s not done, it’s not perfect yet to show you… I don’t know what it is, sweetheart. It--It just doesn’t feel right. You remember when you visited a few months ago for my birthday?” She nodded. “Yeah, even then… something didn’t seem right. It’s quite frustrating, actually. After waiting all this time to get the green light for the album, things are now stalled for some stupid creative instinct.” he muttered with disappointment.

“Your instinct is usually spot-on, though, so I don’t know if I’d call this stupid.”

“Maybe… I guess, I don’t know. So far we’ve got “All Lips Go Blue,” “Love Without Tears,” “I Will be the End of You,” “Into the Night,” “Hearts at War,” “No Love,” and “When Love Starts to Die.” Oh, the title track and a few instrumentals in there to break up the album and let it breathe a little.” He sighed. “I don’t even know what it is about the album that I don’t like. Something doesn’t sit well with me. Fuck, it’s just…”

“You should be satisfied with it before you put it out. God knows you’re going to have to be promoting it for ages and ages.” she assured. “Don’t feel bad. The fans will be patient, I’m sure. If you don’t like it now, you can’t force yourself to speak well about it, right?”

“Well, I don’t know, it’s just… it’s--it’s frustrating to have to stall things like this.”

“Antsy to return to the road?” she offered.

“Indeed, indeed.”

“Well, you can’t leave quite yet. I just got you home.” she said and hugged his side tightly. She inhaled the familiar scent of cologne and cigarettes.

“I’ll be sure to stay for a while, dollface.” Ville assured with a grin and pressed his lips to her forehead.

The taxi pulled to the curb in front of their apartment building and Ville, who was closer to the door by the sidewalk, got out first while Avery paid the fare. She then hopped out of the cab and walked with him up the front steps. The lobby was rather crowded at this hour, so they squeezed past the people to reach the elevator. Once they got up to the 43rd floor and to their apartment, Ville set his bag down in the living room.

While rubbing his eyes and fixing the beanie on his head, he informed, “I’m gonna go take a shower and freshen up a bit.”

“Kay, I’ll have lunch ready by the time you get out.” she replied as she walked into the kitchen.

“Alright.”

Ville went to the bathroom and turned on the tap to allow it to get warm. Looking in the mirror, he wiped away some fluid that had settled into his tearducts while he’d slept on the plane. He then undressed and stepped into the shower. After living in New York with his wife for so long, he felt more at home in the apartment than he did all alone in his tower. It was comforting to return to the familiar environment and he relaxed while the warm water splashed onto his pale skin.

Meanwhile, Avery set to work on making lunch by taking a large pot out of the cabinet. Far too worried about him to keep her hands steady, she winced when the pot banged against the counter. Muttering curses at herself, she filled it with water and set it on the stove. Waiting for the water to boil, she leaned against the kitchen counter with her face buried in her hands. Avery didn’t have the words to tell him what happened. It would break his heart, she knew. He was so excited when she first told him she was pregnant, and they had spent many nights talking about their plans for the baby. Although she was happy to have him home now, she was on edge, wary of everything she said to him. Avery groaned. She didn’t have the strength to move forward; she wanted to break down into sobs in the middle of the kitchen floor, unable to contain herself any longer. Ugh. Why did things have to go this way? she thought. After everything that’s happened, from the rehab to the record label drama, is a happy family too much to ask for?

Once she told him, she would be left to deal with the consequences, and she didn’t know how he would react. She didn’t know if he would hold her close or if he push her away. Avery wasn’t sure if he would reach for the guitar or if he would return to his old methods and pick up drinking again. At the thought of him destroying himself over this, over what she had caused, she cursed herself. Fuck, why couldn’t I just do this one thing correctly?

She bit her lip and wiped away a few tears. Avery knew that she couldn’t let him walk in to see her in this condition; he couldn’t find out accidentally, so she had to rein in her emotions until she could tell him. The sound of the water bubbling in the pot caught her attention and pulled her away from her thoughts. Avery pulled out a package of fusilli from the cupboard and dropped the pasta into the water. She wiped her cheeks and set to work on quickly making a pesto sauce to add to the pasta. There was no time to waste now with these musings of how things could go; she would find out soon enough.

Ville finished his shower and left the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. When he went to the bedroom to grab a set of fresh clothes, he noticed how spotless the room was. He shook his head with a smile at Avery’s cleaning habits. He went to the closet and pulled out a pair of jeans and a Black Sabbath tee.

By the time Ville emerged from the bedroom, she was just setting the table for lunch. The silverware and glasses had already been placed. He walked into the living room and saw her bringing the pot of pasta to the dining table.

She looked up and said, “Hey, you. I was just about to call you over.”

“Right on time,” he smiled.

They took their seats, and Ville ran his hand through his wet locks to move it out of the way. She watched him with a smirk on her face before the two started eating.

After taking a few bites, Ville remarked, “Oh, did I tell you? Jesse’s band broke up.”

“No, you didn’t. Tsk, that sucks… What happened?”

“They were, uh… I don’t really know-- it was some disagreement over ego, at the end of the day. The bassist was like, upset or whatever that Jess was getting the attention you know, since he’s connected to me. It didn’t seem fair to him and blah blah blah.”

“That’s unfortunate. It’s not Jesse’s fault in any way… it’s family. What did the guy expect him to do?”

Ville shrugged his shoulders and swallowed his mouthful before continuing, “I don’t know. I think it’s good riddance, actually. If you have so much ego over some bullshit like that… it’s never going to work out. It’s better they figured this out now than like… five years down the road or something.”

“I suppose. I should give Jess a call to check up on him. How does he seem?”

“A little irritated, more than anything else. I don’t know, he’s not too hung up on it. The band was just starting out, anyway.”

“Hm.”

“Yep.”

“I talked to your mom the other day.” Avery said casually.

Ville looked at her out of the corner of his eye with a smirk playing on his lips. He knew where this was heading, and he was not going to like it. “Did you now?”

“Uh huh.”

“Are you going to tell me everything she said? I’m sure she was trying to lecture me through you.”

“She was just upset that we didn’t make it out for Christmas this time… It seems reasonable to me,” Avery explained indifferently.

“Well… it’s not like I didn’t want to go over there and see her. I was busy… I was working.”

“I tried to tell her that,” she shrugged.

“And what did she have to say?” he cocked his brow.

“What do you think she said?” she inquired with a taunting smile.

“If you’re lucky, she would have said few words. Something along the lines of the fact that everybody else likely was able to get home and ‘why couldn’t my son,’ I assume. ”

Avery grinned. “That sounds about right… A few swear words dappled in there, but you’ve got the right idea.”

“I was working!” he excused lightheartedly.

“Mhmm, I believe you.” she insisted with an exaggerated tone simply because she knew he would try to argue.

“I was!” he contended, an incredulous smile on his lips. “Well… I wasn’t recording, but I was working out the kinks of one of the songs. ‘I Will be the End of You’ just wasn’t sounding right, and I had to smooth out the melodies better. I just got caught up in it, and you know me… once I’m in the zone in the middle of a song, it’s hard to find my out into the real world again.”

Avery drank some water before replying, “It couldn’t wait until the next day?”

She got up to bus their empty plates, but he pulled her by her hand and into his lap. Burying his face in her neck, he whispered, “Are you sure these are my mother’s words and not yours? Is this you expressing your disdain for me telling you not to fly out for the holidays?”

“A little bit, but I don’t blame you too much for that. I ended up getting some stuff done, too, so… you know, I can’t complain too much.”

“You sure?” he checked.

“Am I happy that we weren’t able to spend the holidays together? Of course not. But you and I are both workaholics, the whole ‘exchanging presents’ situation isn’t really our thing, and… well, we got to have a cute little Skype date. So we weren’t in the same place, but we were together in spirit…” she explained. By the unsure look on Ville’s face, she could tell that he wasn’t satisfied by that answer. She gave him a kiss and reiterated, “I’m not mad at you, I promise.”

Ville grabbed her bottom lip with his teeth and drew her in for another kiss. He loosened his grip to allow her to stand up. As she started to walk towards the kitchen sink with the plates and cutlery in hand, he called after her, “Then that’s all I want to hear… I’m sure Dad consoled my mum and explained everything to her as well.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“Need some help with the dishes, darling?” he asked.

“Nah, I’m gonna get ‘em later. It’s fine.” she said, returning to her seat at the dining table.

“Besides, Mum’s gonna get some amazing news that I’m sure will absolve anything I’ve done till now. Who knows? It could even hold me off for a few years of future mistakes.” Ville said with a laugh. “She’s been waiting so long for grandchildren.”

Avery nodded, though she didn’t mirror his grin. At the mention of his mother’s anticipation for grandchildren, she knew it couldn’t wait any longer. This wasn't a charade she could continue to play. If she were to entertain his ideas now, it would only hurt him more.

“Ville, we need to talk about something.” she introduced. Her voice was soft and hesitant. She didn’t want to be here and she didn’t want to tell him, but she couldn’t avoid it.

Understandably, Ville became concerned by her tone and dropped his chipper mood. “What’s wrong?”

Keeping her hands fidgeting together, she avoided eye contact. She couldn’t bear to see him when she said her next words. Avery didn’t want to see him disappointed in her. The pain, she knew, would be evident in his demeanor. Taking a few deep breaths, she opened her mouth.

“I… God, I don’t know how to say this.” she said and started tearing up.

Concerned by the sudden change in her attitude, Ville extended his hand to grab hers and comfort her, but she retreated backwards. Her hand crawled into her lap and she distanced herself from him. He was shocked at her reaction; she had never denied him like that before, and he was worried. This couldn’t be good. What was she about to tell him? Avery let the tears slip down her cheeks, knowing she couldn’t keep them contained much longer.

“Tell me, Ave.” he begged. His forehead was laced with worry. “Please… What’s wrong?”

“Ville, I went to the doctor a few days ago…” her voice cracked. “I was having really bad pains and I woke up in the middle of the night bleeding, and I--I didn’t know what was wrong. It was like three o’clock in the morning and I was scared… I went to the emergency room to check up on everything. The doctors-- they did some testing, and…” Avery brushed away the hair that had fallen in her face, taking the opportunity to clean off her tears as well. It was of no use though, as she continued to cry softly. She didn’t looked at him, and Ville was barely able to decipher her whimpering voice deliver the news: “I lost the baby.”

Although he was already sitting down, Ville was overwhelmed by an uneasy feeling. It felt like all the wind was knocked out of his lungs, and his knees felt weak. He felt sick to his stomach, and he could barely utter, “What?”

With her eyes still on the floor, Avery clarified after clearing her throat. “I had a miscarriage… I-I’m sorry, Ville.”

Avery kept her head down waiting for his reaction. He didn’t respond. Her arms were folded across her chest as her body shook with sobs. She waited a few seconds for him to say something. When he remained silent, she looked up off the floor to see his expression, though she continued to cry. Ville was restraining himself by keeping his face as placid as he could. He was trying not to show how much it upset him, but she could see it. Avery could see the pain behind his eyes. She could see the hope drain from his face as he realized what she had said and what it meant. While he tried to pull himself together and to cover up his pain in order to be able to console her, she could see past it all. She could see him broken underneath all the armor he was trying to assemble.

And it broke her.

She sobbed harder. As badly as she felt about having lost the child, she felt monumentally worse knowing how he felt and how he wanted to hide it from her. This was much worse than what she expected. Avery thought he would be angry or disappointed in her. It was her fault, after all. Avery expected him to treat her like failure she felt she was, but that’s not what he did. Seeing his face looking back at her like that felt like someone had pulled the rug out from underneath her. Whatever was left of her heart, whatever hadn’t already broken from the news of her miscarriage, shattered into pieces. She never wanted to see him so low ever again. She couldn’t bear to recover from hurting the man whom she loved with every ounce of her being. It was much worse than she could ever have imagined.

“Ville, sweetheart, please…” she whimpered and bit her lip. “Please say something.”

She looked at him expectantly, and he stopped looking around the room long enough to make eye contact with her. He was in a daze, and he didn’t know what to do or say. He needed to find consolation, and he needed to be alone.

Taking in a sharp breath, Ville mumbled, “I’m gonna be in the bedroom… I-I just need some time for myself.”

He stood up and placed a kiss on her forehead before he retreating to the bedroom. Avery sat at the table, her posture frozen in shock and unable to go after him. There was a range of things on her mind from the realization that she had actually delivered the news to the confusion by his cold response. She was swamped by an utter feeling of sorrow. She was unable to accept that this had really happened, that she had actually told Ville the truth. Her body was shaking violently with each sob, and she rested her head in her arms on the table.

There was only one thing that stood out at the forefront of her thoughts, though, and that was Ville’s pain. He was so deeply hurt, and why wouldn’t he be? Avery knew this would happen. She had expected it. However, seeing that look of despair in her lover’s eyes, the sadness resonating with her soul, she was struck by the weight of the impact of the miscarriage. Could they get through this? Right now, it seemed near impossible.

After waiting a few minutes, Avery cleared her tears and stood. Though her hair was a tangled mess and her cheeks were stained by tears, she couldn’t allow herself to let him be. The look in his green eyes was burned into her heart. She wanted to make sure he was okay. She walked down the hallway and approached the bedroom. The door was closed, and her hand hesitated on the doorknob. Avery wanted to go inside and be with him. It had been a torturous few days as she waited for him to come home so that she could finally deliver the news. Now that she had, she had hoped that they could grieve the loss together, but he had shut her out. It didn’t make sense and she didn’t know what to do. She needed him.

I failed him, she thought. He probably doesn’t want to speak to me right now after I’ve done such a thing. Regretfully, Avery withdrew from the bedroom doorway and instead went to the bathroom. Seeking warmth, she turned on the tap and let the tub fill with warm water. The water noisily rushed out of the faucet, echoing in the silence of the bathroom. While she waited, Avery went to the sink and steadied her gait by holding onto the cold counter. Her hands were trembling, and she felt as though her feet would give out any second and that she would fall to her knees. Nothing had gone as she expected; at the very least, she expected that Ville would have pulled her in for a hug. Something. Anything. Instead he was distant.

It could have gone better.

When the bathtub was three-quarters of the way full, Avery stripped off her clothing and carelessly let it fall to the floor. She stepped inside one foot after the other and sat down slowly to avoid sloshing the water around too much. Once she was sitting down, Avery eased herself in until she was almost completely submerged in the water; her face was all that was left above the surface. She closed her eyes, and her hair, left unruly without a hairtie, was free to swim around her face.

She took a few deep breaths to calm herself. Her mind was inundated only by thoughts of the miscarriage. The pain of the loss stung her heart. Knowing how much she had hurt her husband affected her even more. By his reaction, it seemed to her that Ville blamed her for what happened; that’s the only reason she could muster for his behavior, and it didn’t matter if it was the truth. It upset her nonetheless. The past few days she had been putting on a brave face so that she could tell Ville while she still had some sanity. Now that he knew, nothing else mattered. She didn’t have to fake it anymore, and the worries of the miscarriage consumed her. Above the surface of the water, her brain was racing with thoughts of the baby and of Ville. She needed an escape.

Opening her mouth, she took a deep breath and held it. Avery let her face sink deeper so that her entire body was underwater. The worries, concerns, fears, sorrow--all of it vanished. Instead of her mind being flooded by these thoughts, there was nothing. Silence. It seemed that time had slowed; perhaps it had stopped altogether. All that she sensed was the movement of the water. Sound was completely drowned out, and in this state of mind, she could finally let herself unwind, to some degree.

She was alone.