Heartkiller

Chapter Thirty Five: Love Without Tears

The sweetest smile is now turned bitter by these thoughts
So I wonder the dark of my own, I should've known all along

Sunday February 10, 2013

The next day, Avery stirred in the sheets and froze when she felt her leg brush against Ville’s. She gave a weak smile, comforted by his presence. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was late in the afternoon, but she didn’t mind the hour. It was the first night in many that they had slept peacefully. After being apart for so long, she welcomed the change.

Avery looked down and saw his arm wrapped over her waist. She turned to face him and saw his tranquil face snoring softly, causing her to smile wider. She almost wanted to give Ville a kiss, but she didn’t want to wake him. After carefully removing his fingers one by one from her waist, she wriggled out of his grasp and rolled away from his sleeping form. She got up and gasped in surprise when Ville grabbed her hand, pulling her back down to the bed.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he mumbled with his eyes closed.

She beamed, though traces of despair lingered in the corners of her mouth. “Gonna go make coffee, babe…”

“Already?” he asked, perking up his eyebrows.

“What do you mean ‘already?’ It’s one-thirty!”

“Oh.” he opened his eyes, and his emeralds glimmered at her. Ville greeted with a smile, “Morning.”

“Morning.”

She leaned down close to him and faltered for a moment, unsure if she could kiss him. He enclosed the space between their faces, making the decision for her, and connected their mouths. It was the first time they’d kissed in a week, though they’d been in the same apartment the whole time. He tugged her warm pouty lip between his ever so slightly, and her half-open lids conveyed her longing for this intimacy. Their mouths tenderly moved together, and Ville slipped his tongue inside. It roamed her mouth, and their noses brushed against each other from the proximity of their faces. After kissing for a few moments, Avery pulled away, and he smiled cheekily.

Remembering their conversation from last night, she couldn't match his enthusiasm. Ville had written a song based on the experience, and he felt like it was the missing piece of the album. He'd decided to fly to Finland today, but he still needed to book a ticket. Though he’d yet to speak with the rest of the band about the album’s status, Ville was in a hurry to leave her alone, thinking that’s what she wanted. Avery frowned slightly.

“It’s a big day,” she said with a sense of finality.

His grin faded, and he nodded in agreement. Though he couldn't tell how she felt about it, Ville didn't think she wanted him to stay. Avery hadn’t given him any indication suggesting that she wanted him with her. He took this to mean that things were as they always have been: she’d struggle in privacy and delude everyone into thinking she was okay. He let go of Avery’s hand, allowing her to brush her teeth and to start the pot of coffee.

She left the room, and he sat up in bed. With his head leaning against the headboard and his eyes closed, Ville sighed. It had been a hectic week, and he didn’t know what to make of it. When he’d landed in the city six days ago, all he’d hoped was to be with his wife and relax from the worries of the album. They had spent months apart, only visiting each other on some weekends, and had missed some big holidays. Ville thought that he'd come home and celebrate with her. He thought this would be a positive time while he contemplated what the band's next move would be. Instead, he’d been given shocking news without knowing how to process it. Though he'd spent a few days grieving, a part of him still hadn’t accepted it, chalking the miscarriage up to be some sort of illusion. What a sick illusion, at that.

Ville picked up his phone off the nightstand and dialed the airline to get a ticket for later in the day. He didn't even know how the rest of the guys would feel about the song. He didn't know what answer he'd give if they asked what the inspiration behind Drawn & Quartered was. Once he landed in Finland, he would talk to the rest of the band about the specific arrangements in order to finish the next song; he'd figure it out later. For now, Ville was only concerned about Avery's needs. She needed to be alone.

In the kitchen, Avery started a pot of coffee and preoccupied herself with making breakfast. They didn’t have many provisions, though; most of it had been spent waiting for Ville to find the will to eat. She was left with cereal and hardly enough milk for her coffee. She sighed and poured the remaining flakes of cereal into a bowl. She tried to keep herself distracted from the miscarriage by focusing on getting Ville situated before his flight. His bag hadn’t been unpacked last week, and he needed to go through it to repack for the trip. Avery also wanted to prepare a home-cooked meal before he left to live on his own again. With what little time they had left together, she decided to be close with him, choosing to cope with the unfortunate reality once he was away. Avery didn’t want him to see her upset. She didn’t want to make things worse for him.

She thought that he’d go away to Finland and start working. She hoped that Ville would be preoccupied with his work enough that he wouldn’t be thinking about the baby. Avery had told him what had happened because she had to, but she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to break him down like she had. She had never seen Ville so upset before, and she didn’t want him to ever feel that way again. She would do everything in her power to make sure he was happy.

As Avery started pouring the coffee into a mug, Ville’s strong arms wrapped around her waist, and he peppered kisses on her shoulder. She grinned at the feeling and twisted around to look up at him. Avery stood on the balls of her feet to reach up and plant a kiss on his lips.

“The ticket has been booked.” he informed.

“Oh?” she said, raising her eyebrows.

“Yeah, it’s for 5:30 this evening.”

Her eyes widened. “That’s in like three hours!”

“Yeah, not many people are flying out to Frozen Hell, so it was easy to get a seat on the flight.” he quipped, trying to keep the mood light.

“No, I wasn’t saying that it was easy to get a ticket…” She continued meekly hardly above a whisper, “I meant that it doesn’t leave much time for us to be together.”

“Yeah…” he agreed uneasily. “I, uh, I’ll probably have to get going once we finish breakfast… or, brunch, I suppose. I’m sorry, love.”

"No, no… don’t be." Avery replied solemnly, trying her best to hide her disappointment.

She handed him the mug of black coffee and turned to get her own, which had milk. She brushed past Ville to leave the kitchen, but he was troubled by how the day was going. Though there was an obvious air of tension, the couple seemed to proceed as though everything was normal. They were speaking as if nothing traumatic had ever happened. It felt weird for Ville to pretend like this, and he didn’t know what it meant for them as a couple. Although Avery was cordial, she was not herself: she seemed drained and empty, lacking the energy to get through a sentence without breaking down. As much as he hated having to bring it up, Ville couldn’t help but ask her how things were.

He called her attention, “Are we--Um, are we okay, Ave?”

She turned, and her blue eyes peered intently at him. At first, Avery didn’t know what answer to give him because she didn’t know what he expected. Was he asking about the miscarriage? Because the wound was still too fresh for her even to consider moving past it. Right now, she was trying not to think about it, focusing instead on Ville and his impending departure. Was he asking if she was okay with him leaving, especially considering the circumstances and nevermind that they had only reunited mere days ago? She didn’t know the answer to that herself.

She settled for a defeated shrug and murmured, “I guess.”

Ville followed her to the couch where they sat against the arm rests and entangled their feet between them. She sipped her coffee with her gaze focused on him. Avery wanted to engrave his face into her mind because she didn’t know when she’d see him again. Once he finished the album, he'd be busy with interviews, gigs, and travel. It could be months before he'd return, nevermind how the couple would be coping at that point. She knew her husband well, so she already knew every part of his body, but she couldn’t resist the exercise. Her eyes were transfixed on his image, tracing the path from his emerald eyes that shone fervently at her, across his high chiseled cheekbones that could carve marble, down his long nose that slightly curved upwards near the tip, and landed on his thin mulberry pouted lips, which were parted and looked supple, inviting her to kiss him.

“What are you thinking ‘bout?” he asked, noticing her trance.

“Nah.” she looked at his eyes once again and dismissed. “Nothing.”

He tapped his toe on her ankle and insisted politely, “Tell me.”

“I’ll miss you, that’s all.” Avery whispered. “It feels like I hardly got you back and now you’re off again.”

“You don’t want me to go?” Ville asked, biting his lip. He wanted nothing more than for her to ask him to stay.

Without hesitation, however, she deftly answered, “I don’t want to stop you, Ville.”

He looked at her, unable to form a response. He didn’t know what to say, barely understanding what she was insinuating. He knew that she wanted to be alone in this difficult time, at least that’s what he expected of the woman he knew so well. Ville wasn’t sure if her current behavior meant that he was wrong to make this assumption or if it was really as simple as she made it sound. Had nothing changed? Was she still the same defensive person, unwilling to let anyone see her vulnerable?

Her bloodshot eyes told him this was not the case. The old Avery would never have shown any indication that something was amiss. She was holding herself together, but barely, and Ville wanted her to let him in. Setting his coffee down on the table, he crawled to her and took her mug out of her hands, placing it beside his. With a ginger grip on her hips, he pulled Avery into his lap and held her close. There were no words between them, but he buried his face in her neck and kissed her hair. She was detached at first, but the kiss tore away at her defenses. His hand cupped the back of her neck and held her close. Avery tightly gripped his torso and pressed her nose into his shoulder.

"Why?" She breathed. "Why us?"

He rocked her from side to side while cooing, "I don't know, darling... I don't know."

Avery tugged her top lip between her teeth and sighed. There was a heavy weight hanging on her heart as she struggled to make sense of it. She experienced the same emotions over the past few days, and it was growing monotonous. She would be upset and heartbroken, but she would also wonder where she had gone wrong. As Avery had told him, she thought that she was the one to blame for the miscarriage, and she wouldn’t listen to any reasoning explaining otherwise. Her chest heaved up and down as she gasped for breath, and Ville held onto her tighter.

She knew he didn't have much time; Ville had to check in for his flight within the hour in order to get through security on time. Though she wanted to stay like this with him, though she wanted to remain in the warmth and safety of his strong arms, Avery knew she couldn't get attached. It would only be harder for her to cope when he left. She exhaled deeply and reluctantly removed herself from his grasp before standing up. She had to end this sentiment now.

"Come on, let's finish up packing.” she said, her voice low. Avery slyly brushed the tears off her cheeks. “You should get going soon, Ville."

"You're not coming with me to the airport?"

She stood beside him and looked at him lovingly. Avery brushed his hair back and away from his face as she replied, "No... No, I'm, uh, I'm gonna stay here. I'm in no shape to go out in public."

"You still look gorgeous to me, Ave." he assured with a weak voice, though he was fully aware she wasn't referring to her physical appearance. It was the only words of encouragement that he had to offer, not wanting to whitewash the trauma.

Not knowing how to reply, she swallowed hard before walking away to get his things ready. His eyes followed as her hips swayed out of the room. Once she had disappeared down the hallway, Ville looked down at the table and saw her nearly full mug of coffee. The bowl of cereal between them was untouched, and he realized that she had hardly eaten. Immediately, he worried that this was a sign. In the past few days, he had been so wrapped up in his grief that he hadn't bothered to check on his wife's well-being. He didn't have the slightest clue as to whether or not Avery had been eating since she found out about the baby. He wanted to make sure she was okay now and that she’d be okay while he was gone. Ville grabbed her mug and walked down the hallway. When he entered the bedroom, he saw her huddled over a pile of clothes in the closet.

Leaning against the wall, he interrupted her, "Ave, I know that you're usually the one reminding me to do things while we're separated, but... " He paused, unable to swallow the thought that she'd starve herself. "But promise me that you'll take care of yourself?"

She looked at him and cocked her brow. Her strained voice struggled to appease his concerns, "You're worried about me? Ville, I'll, um, I'll be fine. You know that my mum will be checking up on me, and--"

"Promise me, Avery." He said with a tense jaw. She was making excuses, but he needed a clear answer.

Her gaze faltered as she recovered from his unexpectedly harsh tone. She picked up a shirt off the floor and assured, "Yeah, I promise."

"Good." Ville held out the coffee. "Here. I'll take care of the packing, you just drink your coffee."

She stood frozen in her spot and stared at the mug he held out for her. Uneasily, Avery approached him and took the coffee, sipping it unsurely. It felt strange for someone to take care of her like this. He exchanged the mug for the shirt she held in her hand. There wasn’t much work to be done; she was only trying to change out the old scarf, beanie and tee for a fresh set. She sat on the bed and watched him get things ready while she drank her coffee.

“Maybe you can order something, and we'll have a meal together before I'm off.” he suggested.

Her eyebrows perked up. She didn’t realize that they’d have that much time together. Avery timidly replied, “Sure. What should I order?”

“Hmm, I don’t know. Pizza is usually pretty quick, right?”

“It’ll take about thirty minutes, I think… That place down the street is faster if you just get like a cheese pizza or something.”

“Yeah, that should be good… Is that okay with you?”

“Mhmm.” She stood and went to the living room to get the landline.

By the time she ordered the pizza and returned to the bedroom, Ville had finished everything and zipped up his backpack. He sat on the bed and patted the space next to him.

She sat down and said, “Food should be here in a few minutes, honey.”

He wrapped an arm over her shoulders and brought her close. The two were looking at the opposite wall, and Ville deliberated silently about his flight. He didn’t want to leave her alone like this. He could plainly see that Avery wasn’t herself. She was still responsible and caring, but it was something deep in her soul that was amiss. It was like she’s lost her spirit, and her empty body was left to wander the world. Ville was troubled about leaving her, but he didn’t know what to do.

He opened his mouth and hesitated. Avery tensed her muscles upon hearing his sharp intake of breath and knew that he had something he wanted to ask. She anxiously waited for him to finally remark, “Are you going to be alright while I’m gone?”

It was the third time he’d asked her something like this today. The first two times, she’d been able to deflect, but Avery couldn’t find the words to assure him again. She looked up at him and gave a weak smile before planting soft pecks on his lips.

“Stop asking me that, Ville.” she said and kissed him again. “You do what you need to do.”

“I worry about you, that’s all.”

“I know you do. That’s…” she swallowed hard before speaking again, “That’s sweet, but don’t. Don’t worry about me.”

Before Ville could respond, the doorbell rang and he got up to answer it. She followed close behind so that they could eat at the table together. He took the pizza and paid the delivery man. When he turned around, he saw Avery bringing two glasses of water for them.

“Thanks, Ave.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

They took their seats at the table and opened the box. Each took a slice and started eating, though neither felt particularly hungry. They were just doing it to alleviate the worries of the other person. Avery put the slice in her mouth and took a bite.

“Call me if you need anything, okay, sweetheart? Day or night, it doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah, I will. And the same goes for you, Ville. I know that… you know, when you’re working, you tend to forget about the real world, but this isn’t really something that you can… forget.”

“I know.” he replied with a grim smile.

They ate their food silently as they didn’t have any comforting words left. Ville had confirmed multiple times that she wouldn’t neglect her health, and that’s as much as he could do. Nonetheless, he didn’t want to leave her side.

“Is there any medication or anything that you have to do to… you know, let your body recover? I don’t really know how--I don’t know how a miscarriage works.” Ville asked.

“Yeah, I didn’t know either. I spoke with the doctor, and… I had to like go into the hospital again a few days after I found out. I… I rushed out of the room when the doctor first told me, but I,” she sighed, “I went back and they looked at everything. They said that since the pregnancy was under ten weeks, my body is going to take care of itself… Everything passed through my system naturally, so I didn’t need any surgery or anything like that.”

“That’s it, then? There’s nothing else that needs to be done? For pain or anything like that?”

Avery shook her head. “No, I don’t have any physical pain. The doctor just suggested that I go to therapy and talk it out, but… you and I aren’t really therapy kind of people. It sounds a little absurd to me.”

“How would someone else understand what we’re going through?” he mused.

“Exactly, Ville.” He had finished three slices of pizza and sat back in his seat. “You’re done?”

“Yeah, I’m full.”

“Me, too.”

“Okay, I should get going, Ave.” he said and stood up.

She got up and followed him to the bedroom where he got his backpack and passport. She gave him a kiss, and the look in his eyes made her heart sink. All too suddenly, it hit her hard that he was actually leaving. Ville would be gone. For how long? Avery didn’t know. She wasn’t sure how often they’d speak as he’d be busy working. He was her everything. He was her life and soul, and she needed him to get through this. No one else knew about the baby, and she wasn’t going to tell anyone. Ville and Avery only had each other.

She knew that she couldn’t let Ville walk out that door only to face this pain by himself. She couldn’t push him away for the selfish reason that she didn’t want to be treated like a child. She had done it numerous times in the past, like when she sprained her ankle after they met with her parents for the first time; or when the hurtful comments were posted about her on a gossip site; or when her favorite grandmother passed away; or a million other things. She had always pushed him away in order to take care of herself, and all he was trying to do every time was just to help her.

Avery thought she was doing this to protect him, but she saw that it was only hurting him to deny the ability to support her in the same ways that she had supported him in the past. All he ever wanted to do was be there for her. She couldn’t deny it again, not when this loss was as equally painful for him as it was for her. She saw his shoulders sulking as he walked away. She couldn’t let him go, and her soul yearned for him.

“Stay.” she breathed. He stopped in his tracks and turned, but he hadn’t quite hear what she had said. “Stay with me.” she croaked. Tears started falling down her cheeks and she didn’t do anything to brush them away. “Ple-please just stay with me, Ville.” she said, her voice breaking at the words.

He dropped the backpack onto the floor and took three strides to close the space between them. He wrapped her now shaking body into a hug and she collapsed into him. Her legs gripped his waist and her face was buried in his neck. Ville started crying along with her and slowly backed them into the couch, but she remained in his grip.

"Please don't leave me, Ville. I need you." She muttered into his neck.

"I'm not going anywhere, Avery. I'm right here with you… I’m here, babe, I’m here."