Sequel: Cyanide Sun ›
Status: completed
Heartkiller
Chapter Thirty Seven: Endless Dark
A flickering flame so serene
Devours the night so we could see
The fear we hold on to so strong
Devours the night so we could see
The fear we hold on to so strong
Monday, April 1, 2013
Avery opened the front door and jiggled the key out of the hole. She huffed when it finally came out and kicked the door shut behind her. She looked around the living room and couldn’t see Ville anywhere. She twisted her mouth, wondering where he was.
“Sweetheart, is that you?” he called from some corner of the apartment.
“Yeah, it is." She settled at the sound of his voice and set her belongings down by the couch. "Where are you?”
“In the bathroom!”
“Oh… well, I’ll leave you to your business then, honey.” she replied with a giggle.
“No, no, it’s not like that, Ave.” He emerged from the bathroom shirtless with his jeans hugging his hips. His hair was pulled back but evidently damp. He explained, “A pipe burst under the sink.”
“And you’re fixing it?” she cocked a brow suspiciously. She never pegged him as being a DIY kind of guy and was incredulous at the idea.
“Yeah, I, uh… I thought I’d try my hand at it.” Ville said shyly.
“Oh. How’s that going?” she asked with a lighthearted laugh.
“Uh, well... Google helped. I looked at some videos and things to get a sense of it. I saw some guides that walked you through the steps of it, and it didn't seem that hard. So, you know, I, uh, I went to the hardware store and bought the parts. I’m just finishing up. ” Ville’s eyes perked up, "You wanna see?"
Seeing how proud he seemed, Avery couldn’t help but agree with a grin. “Sure.”
She shrugged the coat off her shoulders and set it on the couch before following Ville back to the bathroom. The cabinets under the sink were open, and there was an array of tools spread out on the floor. He crouched in front of the pipes to point out what he’d done.
“See, I figured out that the leak was from this part here, so I had to cut this out and then buy another PVC pipe to fit in there. I glued and sealed it, so… I’m just cleaning up in here.” Ville said excitedly.
Avery grinned proudly. “Aw, my little handyman. Did you test it out?”
“Not yet… Would you do the honors?” he asked and gestured for the faucet.
She reached over and paused for dramatic effect. Ville sat in front of the pipes nervously biting his thumb, and she didn’t tease him any further. Once she turned the faucet on, the water fell through the drain and smoothly continued on its way. There wasn’t any problem, and Avery turned to her husband.
“It works! Wow, I’m so proud of you, Ville. Good job!” she said and extended her hand for a high-five. Ville stood, slapped his hand with hers, and interlaced their fingers.
“Thank you.” He smiled.
Avery ran her eyes over his figure, lingering at the v-shape formed by his pelvis near the buckle of his jeans. She brought her eyes up to meet his again, hoping he didn’t notice her getting carried away. She remembered what Ville had told her exactly two weeks ago in this very same place. Of everything that Ville had said to console her after her suicide attempt, what resonated with Avery the most was his recognition that she was determined to get her way. Despite all the obstacles, Ville had said, she would always find a way to remain focused until she reached her goal. He was right, she realized. She couldn’t let the miscarriage stop her. She wouldn’t let the terrible experience stop them from having a family. Avery wanted to try again.
Seeing Ville play the role of a strong man who knew his way with his tools, she wanted nothing more than for him to ravish her right there in the middle of the bathroom. It was really hard for her to resist the temptation, but she knew she couldn’t act on her impulses. The couple hadn’t yet spoken about how they were moving forward from this. She had no idea what he thought about trying again. Avery saw the smile on his face now and didn’t want to bring up the subject and sour his mood. She settled her inhibitions with a chaste kiss on his precious lips.
“I’ll clean up in here and be right out.” Ville informed.
“Okay, I’ll start making dinner.”
Avery left him behind and went to the kitchen. It was still early in the evening, so she had plenty of time to make dinner and started taking ingredients out of the cabinets, ready to prepare a large meal.
At the surface, things appeared to be normal again. Although Avery’s near-suicide was startling, the couple was slowly moving past the miscarriage. They were starting to find reasons to laugh and to smile, but most important of all, they no longer cried. The pain still lingered. Avery and Ville weren't sure if the pain would ever go away, so it was still something they had to swallow everyday. But it was an improvement.
“All done.” Ville announced as appeared at the kitchen counter. “What can I do to help?”
“Mm, you can sit your cute butt right over there and tell me how your day went.” Avery replied sweetly. She looked up from chopping some vegetables to see that he’d put on a Foo Fighters shirt, and she tried her best to conceal her disappointment that he’d covered himself up.
“Ah, well. I was working on the pipe situation for most of the day, so… you know, that was my day, Ave. What about you?” he asked grabbing one of the tomatoes off the counter and throwing it around like a ball.
“Pretty good. I’ve just been catching up on my caseload lately. I’m kind of behind on some of the stuff, you know, from everything that’s been happening between us over the past few months. I had to streamline through some cases and just… I don’t know. I did things a lot faster than--” she cut herself off when he dropped the tomato on the counter. She warned, “Ville, you’re gonna drop that and it’s going to splatter all over the floor."
“Nah, I won’t!” he defended.
She shook her head but smiled nonetheless at his behavior. “I, um, did things faster than I normally would need to.”
“Things have been moving forward well?”
“Yeah, as well as can be.” she paused. “Today is April Fool’s Day, though, and I wasn’t expecting any pranks around the office. Usually, it's humdrum... Business as usual.”
“Uh oh. What happened?”
“Nothing major. It, uh, it was a playful joke, I just wasn’t expecting it. People around the office usually don’t do that sort of thing. Anyway, it started out like a normal day… I didn’t notice anything when I went into the office this morning. It seemed like everything was fine, and I went into a meeting in the afternoon. You know… I don’t even think I was gone that long, but--”
She was interrupted by the sound of the Ville’s phone ringing on the coffee table. “‘Scuse me a second, darling.”
He got up and went to pick it up. Reading the caller ID on the way back to the kitchen, Ville saw that it was Seppo. He decided not to answer and stuffed his phone into his pocket so that Avery wouldn’t see who it was.
HIM's manager, oblivious to the mental conditions of the couple, had been badgering Ville with calls for a solid week now. The other songs had been recorded and produced, but the album still required Ville’s seal of approval that it was done. It was not something Ville was ready to do, however, as he’d just written Drawn and Quartered a couple months ago. It belonged on the record. He knew it. He just didn’t want to record and produce the song because it would mean that he would be working again. With gigs and interviews abound, he wouldn’t be home, leaving Avery to her own devices. He didn’t want to abandon her like that. Seppo, blind to all these worries, would call almost everyday trying to pester Ville into submission. Admittedly, the recording and release of Tears on Tape was not at an ideal time.
Ville returned to the kitchen and took a seat. She looked up to see that he wasn’t on the phone and frowned.
“You’re not gonna answer that?” she asked as she tossed the chopped vegetables onto a pan layered with oil.
“No, it’s not important.”
She moved the vegetables around with a spatula and looked over her shoulder. “You sure about that, Ville?”
He looked up and grabbed the tomato again. “Yeah, of course.”
“You could just talk to him, you know.” Avery reasoned with a soft, tentative voice. She was fully aware of who had called and knew that Ville was being wary of her state of mind.
With a heavy sigh, Ville replied, “I already have.”
“And?”
“And… I know what he wants.” he said simply.
Avery looked down and bit her lip. She knew what was stopping her husband from working again, and she hated that she was such an obstacle in his life. “I’ll be fine, you know? I know--I know that it may not have seemed like it two weeks ago, but I’m a lot better now. You can leave me alone while you go work on the record.”
Ville opened his mouth but paused, not knowing how to deflect. He thought for a moment before replying, “No, I know you will be, Ave. It’s not about that… it’s just--if I go record this song and we release the album, I’ll be faced with the inevitable like… postpartum depression. It happens every time we record an album: after working day and night on something, it’s weird to be sitting on your hands and eagerly awaiting the response once the album’s finally been released. I guess I’m not really ready to deal with that yet.”
“Nice try, but I know when you’re lying.” she said solemnly and grabbed the bowl of onions to add to the pan.
Avery continued to make dinner and there were a few moments of silence while the tension dissipated. Neither wanted to push the topic any further, testing the other’s patience. She wanted to convince him that she was okay. She wanted him to move on with his life without the miscarriage or her sanity hanging over his head. Ville wanted her to believe that she wasn’t the problem. Although it was because of her health that he didn’t want to leave for work now, he didn’t see her as being a burden to him. Ville was afraid though that’s how she thought of herself. He sighed and looked at his hands.
“But what happened when you returned to your office?” he asked.
“Hmm?”
“You were talking about some April’s Fool prank or something at work before… What happened?”
Avery smiled at his flub. “It’s April Fool’s, babe. Anyway, I got back to the office from my meeting, and--I’m not exaggerating--every surface in my office was wrapped in aluminum foil. I couldn’t pick anything up off my desk or anything out of the bookshelves. I mean, my office was covered.”
“Really?” he clarified, chuckling with his usual staggering laugh.
“Not funny, Ville! Do you know how long it took to uncover all my stuff? It was awful.”
“No, that’s hilarious.” he replied between fits of giggles. “Did you find out who it was?”
“Nope, but I’m sure Paige was in on it.”
“Of course she was.”
“Yeah, she came up to me as I walked into the office… said that whoever did it probably wanted to lighten the mood for me after seeing how I’ve been lately.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah…”
For now, she let it go. Avery knew that she couldn’t talk him into putting himself first again now that she’d let him in. She had resisted allowing him to see her in despair in the past, but the miscarriage wasn’t something that she could push him away from. However, now that she’d let him see this side of her, it seemed that the worst of what she’d imagined had come true: Ville was cautious around her and for her sake. She listened to Ville as he told her about something Mige had called about, but in the back of her mind, she unwillingly swallowed the truth: she had lost the only bargaining chip she ever really had. For so many years, she had convinced him that she was a strong independent woman with a tough skin against hardship. After seeing her so low and so desperate, there was no way Ville would ever believe that she would be okay by herself. Avery had shown how dependent she was on him, and Ville loved her too much to allow her to slip up.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
It was around 7:30 in the morning, and Avery was running late for work. Muttering curses under her breath, she hurriedly slipped on her long sleeved blouse and buttoned it so that it framed her well. Her black pencil skirt was pulled just a few inches under her bust, showing off her svelte figure. Without enough time to style her hair, she grabbed a hairtie and wound her long tresses into a loose bun. Avery turned around and saw Ville's sleeping form snoring peacefully. She walked over and bent to give him a kiss on the forehead, causing his sleepy eyes to peel open.
"Hey there, sleepyhead. I'm about to head out, and I just wanted to say bye. I made some food for you, okay?" He nodded. "Alright, I'll see you tonight. Love you, doll." Avery said as she smoothed his hair back.
"Love you, too, darling. Have a good day at work." Ville's raspy morning voice croaked with his eyes closed. “Kiss me.”
Avery complied and got off the bed, allowing Ville to return to sleep. She went to the study and got her leather messenger bag before she made her way out the front door of the apartment, slipping her heels on her feet along the way. As she walked down the hallway, she scrolled through her emails on her Blackberry, nearly running into the wall because she wasn't paying attention. Rolling her eyes at her behavior, Avery hit the down arrow to call for an elevator car.
After all this time, nobody knew what Ville and his wife had been through over the past few months. It was their little secret, and they had decided that it was better that way. If they spoke about the miscarriage now, the couple felt they would only receive pity from their family and friends; Ville and Avery both felt uncomfortable at the mere idea of that kind of attention. It wasn’t conducive to the situation, so they decided to keep it to themselves. Not even their parents knew what had happened. Though the wounds from cutting had almost healed completely, Avery had been hiding her wrists with a well-placed bangle or long sleeved tops so that no one would suspect anything. By all appearances, Ville and Avery had never been better.
He was just starting to fall asleep when the landline started ringing, disrupting the peace. He rolled over and groaned. He knew who it was. Seppo. Ville placed a pillow over his ears to muffle the blaring sound of the phone. It was too early for this kind of conversation, and he hoped that Seppo wouldn’t be persistent with his calls. After a few minutes, there was silence, and he relaxed his shoulders. He turned and settled into a comfortable position, hoping to return to his dream. Just as his eyelids closed, though, Ville's cellphone started ringing at its place on the nightstand.
"Son of a bitch!" He exclaimed as he threw the covers off his body. He picked up the phone and answered gruffly, "What?"
“You know what, boy. Don’t give me that attitude!” Seppo countered in Finnish.
“I just--” he groaned, “I’m not ready. Don’t rush me. You know that continuously harassing me isn’t going to get me to do anything.”
“Ville, I can’t do this with you anymore. The album has been stalled for three months now, and if you don’t know what’s missing, I don’t know how much longer you think you can hold it off before you get some spark of an idea. The labels are getting nervous. We’ve just signed a new deal with them--”
“I know, I know. I know all that.” he muttered and closed his eyes. He was tired of hearing these lectures.
“--and they need some reassurance that they’ve made a good investment bringing HIM on. I’ve been able to keep them at bay for a while--for plenty of time, now--and there’s not much else I can say. I don’t know if I can guarantee you that they’ll still be around waiting for your whiny ass to get your shit together.” Seppo sighed, resenting that he was getting so ruthless now. He didn’t see any other choice, though. As the band’s manager, he had to keep their best interests in mind, and delaying the album any longer wasn’t in the band’s best interests.
“I get it… Fuck, I get it. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know what it means to stall the album longer, but you just don’t get it, Seppo. I can’t… I can’t just leave.” Ville said, his voice clear with desperation.
“What are you talking about? Of course you can leave.” he reasoned, missing what Ville was trying to say. “Besides, you know that there have been promotional shows booked already.. a few festivals and stuff. Even if you don’t leave now for the album, you’re going to have to leave for that."
"Yeah..." Ville said biting the inside of his cheek. "Yeah, you're right... I'll have to leave eventually, but... But I don't know. Not yet. It's not the right timing."
"Right timing? What are you talking about? Timing with what?”
“Nothing, it’s… it’s nothing.”
“Is there... Is there something going on that you're not telling me?" he asked, suspicious now at the way Ville continued to deflect his advances. "You're usually thrilled to get back to work, and now... Now, it's like pulling teeth. What's gotten into you?"
He exhaled sharply before mustering a response. "No, no, nothing's going on."
"Ville... You sure 'bout that?"
"Yeah, yeah, sure. I guess I'm just nervous about putting another album out. It's been a while, you know? I don't know. Maybe I'm scared about the album's reception or something..." Ville averted, relying on the classic excuse. There was no way he was gonna tell the truth.
"Well that's why we released the compilation album. You saw that it had a good response."
"I know, but that was a set of songs we've already released. This is new shit, and you know... Gas basically had to relearn to play the drums, and we haven't released a song in a while, so, uh, I'm just concerned about how the fans will respond to it."
"Look, don't worry about the fans, alright? You've done your part, so now let me do mine. Trust me to promote the shit out of this record. It'll sell, it'll be fine. Don't worry about that. Just give me the okay to release and... And we'll be on our way."
"It's not that simple, Seppo." He replied. Ville pursed his lips, not knowing how to explain the situation to his manager. Though Ville was apprehensive about what the fans would think of the album, that wasn't his primary concern. He worried about Avery.
"Look, whether or not you say okay, I'm gonna give the go-ahead for the album to be released by the end of the month. I can't keep waiting for your hormonal ass. It's been three months, and I need an answer."
Ville didn't say anything. His tongue was between his teeth as he thought about his next move. It had never been easy for him to leave his wife behind, but now more than ever, he wished he could be in two places at once. Ville didn't want to ask her to accompany him while he worked just so he could make sure she was okay. He didn't want to take Avery away from her work for that was probably the only thing keeping her mind active at this point. There was no way he could expect her to sit on a tourbus miles away from home twiddling her thumbs; surely, her anguish would eat her alive.
Seppo relaxed his shoulders. He was exasperated by the situation and he didn't like having to install such harsh measures. Since the line was silent, he tried to explain, "Ville, my hands are tied! I don’t know what’s gotten into you… Of course, you know that I hope you’re okay, but I can’t just cancel all these shows, not when it took so long to get them booked in the first place. It’s been a while since the band has been out, and you know how difficult it was to get these gigs.”
“I know, I know.” He bit his lip. He hated being put in this position, but Seppo was making a strong argument. Ville remembered the months of waiting it took between Gas being approved to drum again and finally scoring some labels. He had spent months agonizing over the uncertainty of the band’s future, and it had been such a relief to finally get the call that HIM had a label to promote their music. It was a difficult wait, and he was going to ruin it all if he didn’t give in. He hated having to leave Avery. She was better now, leaps and bounds better, in fact. He could only hope that she would be strong enough without him around. Ville opened his mouth and reluctantly conceded, “Okay…”
“Okay, what?”
“Okay, I’ll fly out tomorrow. I, uh, I have a song ready and uh, we can just record the track in a couple days and get the album out by the end of the month. Don’t cancel the shows. We’ll, um, we’ll be fine.”
“That’s what I wanna hear!” Seppo said excitedly.
“I’ll book a ticket, and, uh, I guess I’ll see the boys in the rehearsal place tomorrow or the day after.” he murmured.
“Sounds good, sounds good. I’ll let you go, then. I’m glad you’re finally coming around.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Alright, I’ll see you soon, boy.” Seppo said.
“Yeah, bye.”
Ville hung up the phone and threw it beside him on the bed. He groaned and closed his eyes. Fuck, I don’t want to do this, he thought. The couple was doing a lot better than they had been earlier this year. Even though Avery had nearly killed herself two weeks ago, the incident had brought them closer together. For the first few days, Ville was especially jumpy around her, uneasily recovering from the idea that she would consider take her own life. Soon though, she was able to prove that she wouldn’t do something so rash ever again.
Within a week of the incident, Avery found the strength to enter the kitchen and make food for the couple, saving them from the takeout they had been dependent on for the past few months. She was trying, and he was very much aware of that. Still, the thought of leaving her alone made him cringe. Avery was better now, but she wasn’t completely healed. He didn’t know if she ever would be. He certainly couldn’t forget the scars that were left on his heart from the miscarriage, so he couldn’t imagine Avery, the woman who would curse herself for simple mistakes, would ever move past such a monumental incident. He tightened his jaw. He didn’t want to leave. Ville turned over in the bed, unsure of how he would bring this up to his wife.