Heartkiller

Chapter Thirty Eight: Close to the Flame

The arms - safest
And words - so good
The faith - deepest
In this world - so cold and cruel

Tuesday April 2, 2013 (cont’d)

When she came home from work on that Tuesday evening, Avery set her messenger bag on the couch and walked further into the apartment in search of Ville. After enduring such a long day, she wanted nothing more than to crawl into his strong arms and rest her head on his chest, allowing the sound of his heartbeat to echo in her ear. Avery started taking her hair out of the neat bun it was in and ran her fingers through her locks as she walked down the hallway. She found her husband in the bedroom looking through some music sheets on the floor. He looked up when she approached the doorway and smiled.

“Hey, baby.” he greeted.

“Hey, you.” she grinned.

There was still a hint of despair lingering in the air between them, but it was much better than it had been weeks ago. She walked over to him and bent to plant a kiss on his lips.

“How was work?” he asked.

She scrunched her nose in displeasure. “Don’t you get bored of my answers? I don’t think my job could be that interesting for you that you want to listen to me drone on and on about it everyday.”

Ville smirked and shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. It’s cool. It’s a different thingie from what I do, so it’s always new and exciting for me.”

“Well, it was good, I guess. I have a deposition tomorrow on a check fraud case and I was prepping my witness today for that. You know, like a trial run sort of thing.”

“How’d it go?”

“Uh, pretty good, pretty good. She seemed calm and collected, which is as much as I can hope for when she’s in the deposition. Quick and painless.”

“Is it ever that way?” he asked, cocking his brow.

Avery rolled her eyes and deadpanned. “Not once has it been that way.” Tilting her head at the papers, she asked, “What are you up to in here? Organizing?”

“Cleaning up the clutter is more like it. I know that I kind of took over the bedroom with the music sheets lately, so I wanted to clear it up. I don’t need most of this shit anyway.”

“Rough drafts?”

“Nah, it's mindless gibberish. Just bits and pieces that I came up with that haven’t really fit together quite yet. I don't think it's gonna be of much use.”

“Ah, I see…” she trailed before hesitantly asking, “Did you, um, did you talk to your mom?”

“No, why? Is something wrong?” Ville replied with concern and looked up at her.

“No, no, nothing’s wrong… She called my cell when I was at work today, and I answered. You know that we usually speak to each other at least once or twice a month, right?” he nodded and she continued, “Yeah, I haven’t spoken to her in a while because… well, I didn’t really want to lie to her and pretend like everything was okay, so… I didn’t call.”

“What did she say to you today?”

Avery sighed. “The expected. She asked why I’ve been so silent lately and what’s been going on this side of the pond. I, um, told her that, you know, we’ve just been busy. I tried to brush it off. I reminded her that I was recently promoted, so the new position has come with some additional duties including my regular caseload. That kind of thing. She was understanding, of course.” She smiled. “I miss her.”

“I’m sure she misses you, too, my prinsessa.”

“She asked about you… Wanted to know how her little boy was,” she added with a smirk.

Ville rolled his eyes. “Fuck, I could be like eighty years old, and she will still call me her ‘little boy.’ I’m never going to be an adult to her, am I?”

“‘Course not. You’re her son, after all! If she admits that you’re getting older, she has to accept that she’s aging, too, right?”

“Oh, don’t you take her side.” Ville chuckled and looked back down at the stacks of music sheets.

The truth was that he wasn’t just trying to clean up the bedroom but he was also starting to pack up for his trip. He had called the airline after his call with Seppo today and obtained a seat on a flight tomorrow evening. He'd also spoken to the band and made plans to meet in the rehearsal studio to finish the record. Because of all the preparation, Ville didn’t have much time left with her. Soon, he’d be flying across the world for various shows and interviews, and Avery would visit him occasionally.

He had considered asking her to join him, but in the back of his mind, he knew it wouldn’t work. Ville would be pulling her away from her work, away from the only thing other than himself that could distract her from the past few months. He couldn’t do that to her, no matter how much he wanted to be able to look after her. Independence; he owed Avery that much. After all, what would she do in Finland? She could only hang around the studio for so long before the inactivity would drive her up the wall. No, no. She couldn’t come with him.

He stood up and wrapped his arms around her in a hug. She welcomed the intimacy. His forehead rested against hers and he closed his eyes. He held her close, trying to forge permanently the feeling of Avery in his arms. With his flight the next afternoon, he wasn’t sure when he’d get the chance to be with her like this again, and he wanted to savor the moment. Naive to his inner battle, she brought her chin forward and kissed his lips.

At the touch, Ville opened his eyes and the ferocity of his eyes pierced her soul. He looked at her curiously, trying to form the words, and his mouth parted open slightly. She immediately recognized the expression, and her grip loosened.

“You’re leaving again, aren’t you?” Her voice was level but hinted her glum attitude. For the past few months, it was comforting to know that the furthest he would be was a few blocks away. If he was returning to the studio and then to tour, Ville would be miles away from her.

“How--”

“That look on your face. It’s like this weird hesitation and uncertainty. You look like you have something to say but it’s… I don’t know, it’s like news that you don’t want to tell me or something. And Seppo has been calling here so often that, you know… I kind of put two and two together. I assume he called again today?”

“Yeah, he called in the morning. He says we can’t wait anymore, and I can’t stall Seppo any longer. The labels are getting nervous, and--”

“You don’t have to explain, Ville. I understand. Trust me, after seven years of this, I know what it’s like…” Avery assured with a weak smile. “It’s your career. You’ve been attending to my needs for a while lately. Now put yourself first and chase after your own dreams.”

Ville grinned at her encouragement. “You’ll be fine, right?”

“Missing your pretty face dearly, but other than that… I’m sure I’ll be alright.”

“Good. That’s… good.” he replied.

Avery smiled and shook her head at his overly concerned behavior. “You’re such a dork, sometimes.”

“Whatever!” he scoffed. “Come on, I’ll help you make dinner one last time before I leave.” he said and grabbed her hand.

She followed meekly behind as he led her to the kitchen. Once there, he naively looked through the cabinets, not knowing what to make. Usually, he just followed whatever directions Avery provided, and he turned to her for instruction.

She laughed at his expression. "You look like a lost puppy, babe."

Ville grinned. "I... Don't know what to have for dinner. Where do we start?"

"How about a good homemade Finnish meal?"

His face fell to a half-amused look. “Are you just trying to get rid of all the fresh food while I’m still around? I know that once I’m out the door, you’ll be surviving on takeout from that Chinese place.”

Avery twisted her mouth and murmured. “Well, I’ll have pizza, too.”

“See!” he laughed.

"I think we have beets.” she said thoughtfully as she went to the fridge. She opened it and peered at the fresh produce drawer. “Hmm, we have some cabbage, too. How about cabbage rolls, beet salad, and… I don’t know… a casserole? How does that sound?”

"That sounds divine, actually."

“Okay." She started taking the bags of vegetables out of the fridge and handed them to Ville, who set them on the counter. Once she had everything out, she pulled out a chopping board and a large knife. “I have to boil the beets and potatoes first, but do you wanna work on the salad?”

“Sure.”

Once she put the beets and potatoes on the stove to boil, Avery showed him how the carrots to be cut. He stood to the side while she demonstrated and then took the knife from her. She watched him trying to cut it the way she'd asked. She could tell that he was trying not to ask her for help; he didn’t know what he was doing.

Avery smiled woefully from seeing him try to be domestic. He was so far from it. This was Ville Hermanni Valo, singer for the band HIM. He was a rockstar. He wasn’t meant to be standing in the kitchen making dinner. It brought a grin to her face, and she couldn’t help but think about trying to start a family with him again. It was something that constantly hung over her, and right now, it was very hard to placate her desires. She wanted her husband badly. Avery would usually curb herself from trying anything because she didn’t know if it was too soon, and she didn’t want to push her luck. They hadn’t yet spoken about it, after all.

However, upon the news that Ville was leaving, she became quite perplexed once more. She couldn’t let the miscarriage stop her. Ville’s words helped her throughout her recovery since her suicide attempt, and although she wasn’t whole yet, Avery was getting there. She didn't want to waste any more time, not when he was about to leave her for who-knows-how-long.

She asked softly and unsurely, “Ville…?”

“Yes, darling?” he replied and turned to face her.

She looked into the emerald of his eyes that shone so fervently, his entire disposition seemed eager to help her. Ville had always been concerned, but ever since the suicide attempt, he seemed more on edge. Avery, on the road to recovery now, was pained to see such an anxious look on her love’s face. Avery could take care of herself. She wanted to reassure him of that. She wanted to regain his confidence that she was capable of living on her own.

“I love you, Ville.” she smiled.

He grinned widely. “I love you, too.”

With a hand cupping his cheek, she leaned closer and kissed his mouth. He wrapped his arms around her waist and hugged her tightly as they kissed. It was a tender moment with urgent kisses, and Avery could feel him smiling against her. He started to pull away, thinking it was only a moment to share before they continued to make dinner, but she had other things on her mind. She entangled her fingers in his hair and kept him close, slowly backing until she felt the back of her legs hit the kitchen counter behind her. Her heart raced at the thought of him inside her, and she continued on.

Avery gingerly parted his lips with her tongue. Ville gasped in surprise as their tongues started to writhe together, and he was pleased since they hadn’t done this in a while. A peck every now and then was all they had settled for in these past few months, and this was a nice change of pace. He vied for control and took her bottom lip between his teeth, grazing the skin. A fluttered moan escaped her mouth, and her hand wandered down his chest to the button of his slacks.

He tried to pull away. He could see where she was going now, what she wanted. As much as he wanted to be with his wife again, Ville wasn’t sure what her intentions were. After all, it was only days ago that she had nearly taken her own life; it was inconceivable to think that suddenly she was strong enough to move past everything that had happened over the past few months. A kiss was innocent, but a pass at him was cause for concern. It didn’t seem right, and he didn’t want to encourage her potentially rash behavior.

"We--"

"No, no talking." She said hurriedly between kisses.

"--can't do this, Ave. Not now, not like this."

Her heart sank to her stomach at the way he spoke, and she pulled away. Didn’t he want her? Didn’t he want this? Holding back tears, Avery turned the pain into anger and interrupted between grit teeth, "Shut up and fuck me."

Ville kept his distance and didn’t try to kiss her. There were tears welled up in her eyes, and she looked at him, desperate for a solution. Desperate for him to give in. The past months had been torturous but she couldn’t stop now; she couldn’t give up after the miscarriage. Avery could do things right. She could conceive and care for a healthy baby, and she knew that she could. Her vision darted between his eyes as she pled.

“Don’t deny this.” she growled. “Don’t.”

She bit her lip to muffle a sob as he stared back at her. His eyes were glazed with tears threatening to spill; he wanted to have sex with her, and he wanted to have a child. Of course he did. But after seeing his wife so broken these past weeks, he was cautious. He didn’t want to put her in that dark place again. Seeing her in such self-doubt and to be in such pain was reminiscent of his own battle with depression years ago. He could finally understand how his loved ones must have felt during his difficult time, and why they had been so cautious with every mention of a new relationship; what he saw to be a new opportunity for love was seen by his family and friends as being another chance for him to fall. Now that he was listening to his wife plead for his mercy and for another opportunity to bear a child together, he couldn’t help but crave a sense of control to prevent Avery from falling into a similar pit of self-hatred once more.

“We’re good people and we deserve to have a child that we’re going to spoil relentlessly.” she reasoned. “Our baby is going to grow up to be intelligent and charming and beautiful. You and I are meant to be parents. We deserve to be, and I’m not going to let this stop me. I’m not going to let it stop us. Because I want this--” her voice cracked, and she held onto the collar of his shirt to remain poised. “I want this so badly, Ville, and I know... I know you want this, too.”

Ville continued to keep his eyes low. It hurt him to listen to this and the way she was speaking to him. He could hear the desperation in her voice. It pained him to hear. He wanted to be with her. Of course he did. Ville missed the feeling of being encased by her walls, the touch of her smooth skin against his, and their hot, sweaty bodies writhing together. He wanted her badly, but he didn’t know if he could take her now.

“Don’t give up on us. Don’t--” her voice broke and her eyes flit away, but quickly returned to look at his piercing green eyes. “Don’t give up on me. Trust me. I can do this. Please...” she bit her lip, letting the tears fall. “Please, just give me a chance.”

In that moment, he could no longer restrain himself. He knew firsthand where she was; when everyone else had been cautious and concerned for him, all Ville had wanted was a chance to redeem himself. He knew. Ville knew exactly what she was feeling and how the desire for a second chance burned her soul.

With his mouth parted, he kissed her lips, gently at first but more roughly as they continued. He gave in. Avery clung to his shoulders and kept their mouths attached. Her tongue played with his as she started to calm down from her tears. Ville let his hands fall down her back and push the back of her legs, inviting her to step on his toes. Once she did, he turned the stove off, tightened his grip around her waist, and led her towards the couch. Avery unbuttoned his shirt and slipped it off his shoulders. It dropped on the floor as she fell on top of the couch, taking Ville down with her. She giggled as he tickled her neck with playful kisses. Meanwhile, his hand slowly etched down until he found the zipper of her skirt on the side of her body. He pulled it down and tugged the pencil skirt downward until Avery was able to wiggle out of it completely.

Her hair was tangled around her since she didn’t have a braid or hairtie to keep it in place. Ville didn’t care though; he was far too preoccupied playing the band of her lacy underwear. He pulled this way and that, teasing her about taking it off. Oh, how she missed this.

“Two can play that game, babe.” she warned.

She rolled them over so that she was straddling him. Avery pulled his jeans down far enough so that his boxers were exposed. She stuck her hand inside and took his growing member in her palm. With a gentle touch, she ran her hand up and down, causing him to rise faster. His back arched at the pleasant touch, and he writhed from side-to-side. When he was ready, he grabbed her by the hips and flipped her over. With his mouth interlocked with hers, he finally pushed into her.

Saturday April 24, 2013

Two weeks later, the couple was separated, each living in different hemispheres. The last song on the record had been recorded and produced in a matter of days, and it was set to be released at the end of the month. Already, though, HIM was starting to travel Europe for a tour, leaving Ville and Avery to catch up in phone conversations at odd hours of the day.

"No, I love you more.” Avery insisted.

“Ave, we could go on all night, but at some point, you’re going to have to accept that I love you more.” Ville threatened with a smile.

“Are you forgetting who the lawyer is, sweetheart? I could argue with you for ages, forcing you to surrender.” she warned.

“You may be able to convince me of anything, babe, but never of this.”

She smirked and rolled her eyes. She murmured, “I never thought I’d be one of those couples.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, like the ones in the movies. They always playfully argue about who’s gonna hang up the phone or who loves whom more. Like that sort of thing.”

“It’s teenage love.”

“Yeah… except we’re in our thirties.” Avery giggled.

“Well, you’ve got me feeling like a boy crushing on the popular girl in school, so I don’t know if our age plays much of a role in what you do to me.”

“You may feel like a boy, but I sure hope you aren’t built like one.”

“Oh no, I assure you that my body is squirming from all the dirty thoughts about what I would do to you.”

“That’s better.” she smiled coyly. “What sorts of things would you do to me?”

“Darling,” he sighed and rolled over in his bunk on the tourbus. “As much as I would love to have this conversation with you, I’m afraid that I am not in the position to do so. The boys are within earshot, and I’m sure they’re already cursing me for the kinds of things we’ve been saying to each other for the past twenty minutes.”

“Yeah, they’re probably trying to sleep, huh?”

“Yep.”

“I could use a good nap, too.”

“Isn’t it only two in the afternoon in New York?”

“Yeah. I don’t know what it is… I’ve been feeling really tired lately.”

“Is something wrong?”

She bit her lip. She had her suspicions, but she didn’t know anything for sure. Avery casually dismissed, “No, no, it’s just-- it’s been a long week, that’s all. You should get to bed, too, love.”

"No, I wanna stay up all night talking to you."

"Like a teenager hiding away from your parents?” She chuckled. “I’m afraid not, Ville. You have work tomorrow and if you fall asleep in the middle of an interview, Seppo would have my head."

"No, he won't, Ave." He chuckled.

"Yeah, he will!” She rolled her eyes. “Come on, go to bed and I'll talk to you tomorrow before your show."

"Ugh. Fine." He groaned.

"Good night, baby. Sleep well."

"Thanks, darling. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye." She said and hung up the phone, setting it down beside her on the bed.

Avery closed her eyes for a moment and tried to relax. Lately she had been really fatigued, losing stamina throughout the day and needing to rest often. It may have been due to the stressful week she had had: between juggling two cases and bracing herself for the new round of associates entering the firm in two weeks, she was exhausted by the time she came home. When she did, there wasn't much to entertain her. Without Ville around to keep her company, she hardly found the will to cook a meal, much less stay distracted from work. Usually, she wound up picking some takeout on the way home and continuing her work in the study.

As much as she tried, she wasn’t able to sleep. She tossed on the bed until she was more comfortable. With her eyes shut tightly, she thought about calm, relaxing things to help her fall asleep. She must have been laying there for half an hour before she decided it was useless.

She hoisted herself off the bed and tip-toed across the cold hardwood floor. Avery had to find out the truth. The last time she had been fatigued like this, she found out that she was pregnant. That and the fact that she was overdue for this month’s period made her strongly suspect that she was carrying a baby. Knowing that was a possibility, she was too excited by the thought.

When she got to the bathroom, she opened a few of the cabinets looking for the pregnancy tests she had bought. There were a few that she kept handy, especially now that she and Ville were trying again. She pulled open a drawer on the right and finally saw a couple of them in the corner. She pulled one out.

Holding it in front of her hands, she sighed deeply. Although she thought she could be pregnant, Avery realized that something else could be causing her fatigue. It was a universal symptom, applying to various things. After all, she and Ville had only had sex once since the miscarriage, and no matter how much they wanted it, sheer willpower couldn't make her pregnant. She had to be careful not to get ahead of herself; she may not be able to handle the disappointment if she were wrong. With a final sigh, she opened the package and pulled out the test. She took off the plastic cap, exposing the tip of the test, and backed up towards the toilet. She pulled her jeans down and peed onto the stick, making sure it was completely wet.

After placing the cap back onto the test, she placed the stick facing down on the counter and flushed the toilet. Avery took her time washing and drying her hands. The test only needed about thirty seconds to display a positive response, if one was appropriate, and she had certainly waited that long. Nonetheless, Avery stood with her arms folded over her chest and stared at the stick on the counter. She bit her tongue. She wanted it to read positive. She wanted it to read positive so badly, but she couldn’t bring herself to turn it over and see the result. She started to walk towards the door to the bathroom, ready to leave and forget about the test altogether; she wouldn’t be able to read negative one more time. They had been trying for a few months before she became pregnant the first time, and she had had to read multiple negative tests. Her hand was on the doorknob when she leaned her forehead against the wall.

“Fuck, just fuck.” she muttered under her breath. “You can do this. Come on, Avery, come on. You can do this. Be strong.”

She turned around and picked up the pregnancy test. Once she took another breath to calm herself down, she turned it over and focused her eyes on the small screen. There were only one line, clear as day. She frowned and tears came to her eyes.