Heartkiller

Chapter Forty: Again

I feel despair holding our hearts again
You hear me crying behind your back again
You hear my heartbeat slowly down again

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Avery picked up the Nikon camera that was resting on the dresser and attached it to the tripod. After adjusting the settings to account for the lighting in the room, she set a 10 second timer on the camera. She took a few steps back and stood by the wall, lifting her shirt to reveal her six-week baby bump. The flash went off and she stepped toward the camera to look at the photograph. When she saw her stomach barely protruding out, she smiled.

She had found out about the pregnancy three weeks ago when she experienced unusual symptoms. The fatigue and uneasiness had plagued Avery for days before she had finally willed herself to take a pregnancy test, somewhat discouraged by her last experience. When she had seen the small “plus” sign, her jaw had dropped. Avery didn’t know how much time she would have with this baby, whether she could carry it full-term, so she decided to document every step of the way.

Avery heard the beeping from the microwave, so she turned off the camera and set it on the dresser. She went to the kitchen and took the container of leftover casserole out of the microwave, hissing at how hot the tupperware was. After she portioned some of the food onto a plate, she took her dinner and a glass of water down the hallway.

She opened the door to the study, unveiling some dramatic changes. Her desk and most of the belongings had been pushed to one side of the room; it would be taken to storage soon so that the room could be used as a nursery, at least temporarily while she and Ville found a new home. In place of these things was an easel and some paint supplies. Avery walked closer to the easel, which was supporting a canvas she had begun to work on, and set her plate down on the stool.

She bit her lip. Once the brush was in her hand, Avery let the day's worries dissolve from her mind, allowing her to concentrate in the present and relieving her of any stress. Nowadays, she made sure to leave her work at the office. After she came home, she no longer thought about the associates and how to wrangle them--it was a new project that she had volunteered to do in an attempt to ease her workload--the next case to tackle with them, or what she needed to prepare for a meeting. Avery was sure to remove the stresses from her life, thinking that they had impeded her pregnancy the first time. She was trying to remove from her life potential hindrances that could affect the baby's development in any way.

Instead, she had taken up painting, a hobby she had enjoyed in the past but one for which she hadn't much time over the past few years. Now, she made the time. Avery took a bite of casserole and dipped her paintbrush in the splotch of blue paint on her board. She carefully painted a streak a third of the way from the top of the canvas, adding contrast to the sky she had started working on. The scene was of a field by a river with some dandelions dappled through the grass; something peaceful. As she continued to paint, Avery stole bites now and then of the casserole.

She was about halfway done with her dinner when the doorbell rang, catching her off-guard. She wasn’t expecting anybody. With her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, Avery set her brush down and left the study. She walked to the front door and looked through the peephole. Her jaw dropped when she saw the tall Finn sporting a sheepish grin. Black curls peeked out from underneath his beanie. She widened her eyes and threw open the door.

“Jesse! Hey!” she exclaimed and hugged him. “I thought your flight came in at eight, I was gonna come pick you up at the airport.”

“Hey, Ave.” he greeted and pulled away. "Yeah, I was able to get an earlier flight out.”

“That’s great. I'm happy you're here." She laughed and ushered him inside. "Come in, come in.”

“Thanks. I’m really sorry for calling you only this morning. I know it’s short notice, but some things came up, and… I had to fly out here."

“There's no need to explain. Go ahead and get settled in. I’ll get you set up and…" She paused. "Have you eaten dinner yet?”

“No, I haven’t, but I’m okay, really."

Avery frowned. "Tell you what: you go freshen up while I fix you a plate, and you can catch me up on your life. It's been a while since I've heard from you, and I want to hear all about what’s been going on lately."

He chuckled. "Okay."

While Jesse pulled out a toothbrush and paste from his knapsack, she went ahead of him to grab her dinner and to close the door to the study, preventing him from seeing anything. Nobody knew about the baby or the changes to the house, and she wanted to keep it that way until she was ready to reveal the exciting news. As she returned to the living room, Jesse wandered down the hallway to the bathroom. After adjusting the beanie on his head, he splashed some water on his face to wake himself up. He dried off with the towel next to him and wet the brush before squeezing out some toothpaste. He brushed his teeth well, rinsed his mouth and regressed down the hallway. When he reached the dining table, he saw Avery bring him a plate of food.

"Thanks, Ave." He said as he sat down.

"No problem." She replied with a smile and took a seat across from him.

Jesse eyed the food; he wasn’t hungry but it looked quite appetizing, especially after the rations of food he’d been served on the plane. It started with just a bite, but he soon started scarfing down spoonfuls of the casserole. "Wow, this is really good! I didn't realize how hungry I was, I guess."

"Thanks... I’m sorry that it's leftovers. I'll be sure to make a fresh meal for you tomorrow. I was gonna actually have something ready by the time you got here, but I wasn't expecting you this early."

"No, don't trouble yourself. This is fine... I feel so bad that I threw this on you at the last minute as it is."

"No worries! It was getting kind of lonely around here, so I was happy when you called about coming over... Besides, you’re family. You can come and go as you please."

"I appreciate that." He smiled. After sipping some of his water, he put his glass down and asked, "Speaking of family, have you spoken to brother dearest lately?"

"Yeah, I talked to him yesterday. I think he was in... Arizona, was it?"

"Nice."

"Yeah. They played an amphitheater show... He's having a good time on this tour, so I'm happy. Every day is a different type of venue, so it keeps him on his toes or so he claims."

"They're just doing a US tour?"

"Well, they were in Europe earlier this year, but yeah, that's the plan for now. I don't know... The band is trying to get a South American tour going, so we'll see how that goes."

"Huh. I'm sure trying to organize that is a big headache."

"Oh yeah. I’m sure Seppo is having a grand ole time trying to fix venues and ship equipment across the world. The fans have been begging them to come out there, so... they're trying to accommodate. I think it’ll be a nice change to go down there… You know, experience that culture."

"Yeah. You should visit if they end up going."

"Oh, absolutely."

"It's kind of an incredible place. You'd love it."

"You've been there?" she raised her brows.

"Yeah, I went to Brazil for a vacation last year with some friends. It was a blast."

"I bet!”

“Yeah, it’s such a different culture. Finns, you know, we tend to keep to ourselves, but everybody there was friendly and social… It was a nice change to experience. Still a little uncomfortable for me to go from... You know, from a place where people hardly smile as we pass each other down the street to one where people are coming up and starting conversation, trying to get you to buy things or whatever.”

“I'm sure it was a bit of a culture shock."

"Yeah, yeah."

"So, what have you been up to these days? Still with that band Vanity Beach?"

"Yeah, I'm still with them."

"How's that going? Better luck with this band than the last one?"

"Oh, much better. It's less of an ego trip."

"That's good to hear. You need to focus on what's important."

"Yeah, for sure."

"I need to come see you guys play then! When's your next show?"

Jesse scratched the back of his neck nervously. "Uh, well, our guitar player kind of dropped out of the band, so until we find a replacement, we're not playing any shows for a while."

"Oh, no! What happened?"

"I don't know. He just wasn't committed to it, that's all. He kinda got intimidated... I honestly don't know what he was expecting."

"Wow, you really have the worst luck when it comes to bands, don't you?"

"Yeah, I think Ville got the better end of the deal." He chuckled that deep, throaty laugh the Valo brothers shared.

"Oh, I don't know about that. Ville and I are reduced to catching each other on a video chat or phone call whenever our schedules permit. You may not have his rockstar fame, but at least you've got a girlfriend whom you can see whenever you please."

"Uh, well... " Jesse stuttered. "About that. Sara and I broke up two weeks ago, actually."

"Really? That is not helping me make my case, is it?"

Jesse chuckled. "Nah, no worries... Here, let me get the dishes." He said as he started to grab her plate since they had both finished eating.

"No, no, leave it! It's okay. I'll get 'em later."

"Hey, you're doing me such a big favor that the least I can do is clean up. I'm not gonna take no for an answer."

"Fine." She conceded with a smile. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

Avery followed him into the kitchen and leaned against the counter while he washed the plates. "So, what happened between you and Sara? Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Yeah, I'm good. I, actually, I'm the one who broke it off. She was a nice enough girl, I suppose, but... " He shrugged and continued, "I couldn't really see it going anywhere. Sure, we'd have a good time, but I don't see anything long-term with her."

"I didn't realize that guys thought about that kind of stuff."

"Ah, you're forgetting that I'm a Valo. Overthinking about the future and psyching ourselves out is in our nature." He quipped, setting the last plate on a rack to dry. "Besides, even if I didn't actually feel that way, my mother won't let me forget that I'm almost thirty years old still basically unemployed, unmarried and childless."

Avery laughed. "Way to throw your mom under the bus."

"I speak nothing but the truth." Jesse winked as he dried off his hands.

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Do you wanna do anything? Watch a movie, maybe?"

"Maybe tomorrow. I'm wiped. I think I’m just gonna go to bed, if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course. Here, I’ll get you a pillow and stuff."

"Thanks.” Jesse assured and flopped onto the couch. He leaned his head back and covered his face with his hands. It was a long flight, and he was exhausted.

Avery went to the closet in the hallway and found a pillow and an extra comforter. She took the items and carried them back to the living room, where she found Jesse already laying flat and snoring softly. She grinned and walked over; Avery tucked the pillow under his head and spread the comforter over his body to ward against the cold.

She whispered, “Good night, Jess.”

She turned off the lamp, leaving the living room pitch black, and retreated to the bedroom. Avery closed the door behind her and settled into the bed with her phone in hand. It was nearly 10:30 and she had an early day tomorrow. She quickly scrolled through her messages, hoping to see something from Ville. The last of her unread emails, amidst reminders and notifications was a three-line message from her husband.

Darling,

I've been super busy lately, but I should be able to call you tomorrow evening (your time). Skype date?

Love you babe,
V

She grinned and hit reply, immediately punching in an eager response.

Hey honey,

Sounds good. I can't wait to see you!. I have a surprise guest!

Love you more.
Avery

She hit send and set the phone on the nightstand. Her head hit the pillow, and Avery fell asleep waiting for a response from her husband that never came.

She slept soundly until about 2 in the morning when she woke up suddenly. The bitter taste of bile crept up her throat, and she raced to the bathroom. She barely reached the toilet in time as her stomach heaved and emptied its contents. Almost every night for the past week, Avery would wake unable to keep her food down. The doctor had explained that this was normal; it lasted longer for some women than others, but it was nothing to worry about.

At the sound of gagging echoing in the hallway, Jesse roused in his place on the couch. The living room was dark, barely lit by the twilight of the sky. He blinked his sleepy eyes open and looked around, trying to remember where he was. He stretched his arms to relieve the tension from the awkward sleeping position and froze when he heard Avery gag again. Alarmed, he straightened up and readied to barrel down the hallway to investigate. The next moment, though, he heard the faucet running while Avery washed up and the bathroom door opened as she returned to the bedroom.

He wasn’t sure what to do. He wanted to go after her to make sure she was okay, but he still felt quite disoriented. Jesse wasn’t even sure if he’d just imagined it. After a few minutes, his head fell back on the pillow; he was far too exhausted to stand, much less to talk to Avery. It’s probably nothing, he thought and rolled over.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

When she woke up the next morning, the covers were thrown off her body, and her skin was covered in sweat. She sat upright suddenly at the sound of the alarm, and she turned off the blaring sound. Her legs turned over the side of the bed and she hoisted herself onto her feet. As she walked toward the bathroom, she wiped the sleep from her face. When she stepped in front of the mirror, she reached for the toothbrush and wet it. She finished brushing her teeth and went to the living room. Jesse was still asleep, so she tried to be as quiet as possible to make coffee. By the time the pot was ready, he had woken up and wandered to the kitchen, likely lured by the smell of caffeine.

"Good morning!”

“Good morning.” Jesse said as he stretched his arms.

“Sorry, the apartment isn't really furnished for overnight guests. I wish I had an extra bed or something for you."

"It's fine, Ave, it's fine." Jesse took the mug of coffee that she offered. "Thank you."

"Yeah." She looked at him to see the pensive gaze Jesse focused on her as he tried to remember the context of the faint memory he had of last night. "What?"

"Hmm?” He paused and shook his head, deciding against bringing up the topic. “Nothing."

"So what are you planning to do today?” Avery took a cup of chocolate milk that she’d prepared for herself--she was refraining from caffeine, obviously--and came around the kitchen counter, taking a seat at the dining table.

"I have a meeting in Tribeca… it’s a, um, guitarist that I found.” Jesse pulled out a chair opposite her and sat down. “He’s in between bands, and you know, we’re looking for a guitarist, so I’m gonna meet up with him and figure out if things will work. He’s going to Colorado tomorrow morning, so I had to catch him today before he left. We’ll see how things go.”

“That sounds like good news!”

“Yeah, I hope so. It would really clear things up.”

“Have you heard his music?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure. He’s good, he’s super super talented.”

“That sounds good. I hope things work out for you, then.” The smile left her face when she felt her stomach lurch forward. She needed to get to the bathroom quickly. “Actually, I should start getting ready for work. Feel free to grab whatever you’d like for breakfast.”

She stood and briskly walked to the bathroom, trying to appear as calm as possible. She didn’t want to alarm Jesse and have him ask questions. Avery knelt in front of the toilet and held her hair back as best as she could. She didn’t think the morning sickness could be this bad, but it was the fifth day this past week that she vomited her food. Even at work, she would have to excuse herself to go to the bathroom as the nausea persisted at all hours. It was unpleasant to say the least. When she sensed a gap between heaves, she sat down and rested her head against the cold tile of the bathtub. The sensation calmed her and she rested, trying to gauge if she was done.

Jesse was suspicious from the minute she made a quick exit from their conversation. He could tell that she was trying to hide this from him, which made him all the more curious about the situation. Jesse sipped his coffee and waited a few minutes to see if things would subside. However, he couldn’t remain still any longer and approached the bathroom door. He was hesitant as he didn’t want to barge in on her privacy, but he remained nearby in case there was a sign that she needed help. There was a pause, and he wasn't sure what to do. Hearing rustling on the other side, he figured she was just taking a break. His hand rested against the wood of the door while he decided whether or not to knock. It wasn't his place to intrude on her personal matters, but something wasn't right.

When Avery heaved and squealed once more, he ignored his inhibitions and pushed the door open. He saw her bent over the toilet and puking last night’s dinner. There were strands of hair in her face that she couldn’t hold back, and he walked over to help. While his left hand held her hair out of the way, his right hand soothed her back, trying to ease the tension. It seemed to help, and Avery quickly finished emptying the contents of her stomach.

She stood up and cleared her throat, spitting into the toilet and flushing. Jesse stood back, shocked, while she gargled some mouthwash and spit into the sink. He didn’t know what this was or what it meant. Avery returned the bottle of Listerine to the medicine cabinet and looked at the counter. She could feel his eyes in her, and she cringed.

“It’s nothing,” she reassured as she turned to face him.

“It’s not nothing.” Jesse scoffed. “Don’t try to convince me of that. This is the second time this happened.” Her eyes widened and he confirmed, “Yeah, I heard you last night, too. I didn’t want to say anything, but… that’s not a coincidence. Now, tell me what’s going on.”

“Jess, it’s nothing. Really, don’t worry about it.”

“Ave… If you don’t tell me, I’m gonna take you to the hospital so you can get checked out by a doctor.” he threatened. “And I’m gonna call Ville on the way and tell him what’s going on.”

“No, you can’t!”

“Why not?” he asked, cocking his brow.

“Jesse, please… Please trust me.”

“It’s a little hard to do that when I see you like this, Avery. Are you bulimic or something? I-Is that it?”

“What? No, no, of course not. I’m--” Avery shut her eyes. She didn’t want to tell him the truth, but she couldn’t allow him to think such despicable things. With him threatening to take her to the hospital, she had no choice. She sighed and said cautiously, “Fine, I'll tell you. but you can't tell anyone else about this. Promise?”

“I don’t know. I can’t make that decision for--"

"Everybody will know eventually.” She bit her lip. “Trust me, I would have told you in a few months, too. I was just waiting for the right time."

“Avery, what do you mean? What is it?"

"I’m not bulimic… I have morning sickness. Well, it’s not just in the morning, but anyways-- I’m, um, I’m pregnant.” she admitted hesitantly.

“What?” he clarified with wide eyes.

“I’m pregnant.” she confirmed with a glimmering smile. “You’re gonna be an uncle, Jesse.”

“What?” he picked her up and spun around. “I’m gonna be an uncle? Oh my God, I’m gonna be an uncle.”

“Yeah, you are.” She giggled and clung to his shoulders. “By the way, this spinning really isn’t helping with the whole nausea thing.”

“Oh, right. Sorry, sorry,” he apologized as he set her back on her feet. He placed a sloppy kiss on her cheek and hugged her tightly. “That’s so exciting. I can't believe Ville never told me."

"Yeah, don't be so hard on him." she said nervously, knowing that Ville didn’t know about the baby either. "We were going to wait until the baby was safe before we told anyone. I wasn't going to tell you, but you kept pestering me about it, so what choice did I have?”

“I don’t regret doing that.” Jesse grinned. “At least I know… Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”

“No, that won’t be for a few more weeks. The nugget is like the size of a pomegranate seed at this point.”

“Really? And he’s already wreaking all kinds of havoc?”

“Yeah…” Avery rolled her eyes, “Come on, we should get going or we’ll be late.”

Jesse squeezed her tightly once more; he was so excited about an addition to the family. When he finally let her go, Avery took a shower while he finished up breakfast. It didn’t take long for the two to get ready for the day. Avery was out of the door before he was, probably since his meeting wasn’t for a few more hours.

For Avery, the days had been passing at an excruciatingly slow pace. She had been going to the firm, working on her new project rallying with the first year associates, and caring for her pregnancy as best as she could. All the while, though, she waited for her husband to return home. She wanted to tell him the good news, that they had a second chance. She wanted to see the grin on his face and feel the tight embrace as they celebrated. It would be a full month before returned home, but it seemed ages away. At the very least, seeing Jesse provided a nice change of pace from the usual humdrum.

As she scrolled through her emails at her desk, Avery decided to take a break. She pulled up the Facebook page for Alex Savage, a photographer who was touring with the band. There were up-to-date set of photos, and it allowed Avery to keep up. She went through the almost 250 set of pictures of the band that had been uploaded recently from the West Coast shows and festivals. There were some of the rest of the guys, particularly of Linde, but the majority of them focused on Ville and his antics. He would scream into the microphone, curling his upper lip into a snarl and baring his teeth. Other times, he would hold the mic at his crotch, letting the crowd sing his lyrics back at him. Avery giggled. The guy was almost forty years old, and he was still behaving like the twenty-something rascal that he used to be.

“I don’t know, sweetheart, there haven’t been too many wild tour stories. I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Avery looked at the computer screen, noticing the bags under his eyes and his unusually pale complexion. “Yeah, I can tell that your body isn’t taking this well.”

“Ha! Really? Wow, I wasn’t expecting such a candid response from you.”

“Haven’t you learned by now, Ville?” she asked sweetly, batting her eyelids.

He rolled his eyes and turned his attention to his brother. “What are you in New York for?”

“There was this guy I came to meet. He’s a guitarist that I’ve been hearing a lot about. He was posting some sick videos on Youtube of his stuff, and Vanity needs another guitarist, so I came out to see him.”

“How did things go?”

“He seems pretty chill. I think he’d fit in well with us. He’s fucking talented, too. Just shreds it on the guitar.”

“Did he seem into it?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Well, he’s a Finnish guy, actually. He came out here with his family originally, but now he’s looking to go back to the homeland…. I don’t know why.”

Avery shook her head. “I don’t understand why you two always hate on Finland so much.”

“We do it with love.” Ville said immediately, knowing how she felt about the place.

Jesse scoffed. “Maybe you do.”

“Oh, don’t even start with her. She wants to settle down in the countryside with our family, and you’ll rain on her parade with your cynicism.”

"Hey, speaking of family, how come you never told me that Avery was--" Jesse yelped when she pinched his inner thigh, out of the vision of the camera.

"That Avery what?” Ville asked.

Jesse side-eyed her but understood her message. He quickly thought of an excuse, "That uh, she was such a good cook! Seriously man, you lucked out."

He chuckled. "That’s easy. I didn't tell you because I want to keep her all to myself."

"Of course, you selfish bastard."

Ville turned away from the camera and nodded to someone else. "Hey, I gotta get going. I'll talk to you later, Ave. See ya, Jess."

"Kay, bye Ville. Love you."

“Bye, Ville.”

Jesse didn’t waste any time trying to figure out her angle. No sooner had she closed the laptop that Jesse asked, "So, do you wanna explain to me why Ville doesn't know about the baby?"

"Not particularly." she whispered and started to get up.

"Ave.... “ he warned, his tone hard. “What's going on?"

"It's complicated stuff, Jesse. You wouldn't understand." Avery stood up and started to walk towards the kitchen to make dinner.

"Try me." He said firmly. She didn't waver, so he threatened, "Tell me or I'll get him back on the line and you can explain it to the both of us."

"You are damn stubborn, just like your brother, aren't you?" She muttered under her breath and turned around, returning to her seat. After taking a sigh to prepare herself, Avery slowly began, "I suppose I should start at the beginning. Um, so earlier this year… Ville and I-- we were... I was pregnant. I was about two months along, but I lost the baby. I had a miscarriage."

"What?" He straightened his posture. "What does that even mean?"

She leaned back on the couch. "It means that I was pregnant... And then one day, my body decided that it could no longer support the baby. So I wasn't pregnant anymore. "

"I-I…” Jesse blinked his eyes in disbelief. He hadn’t the slightest clue. “I'm so sorry."

She smiled weakly. "Don't be."

"Are you okay?"

"I wasn't at first, and neither was Ville. But we're better now," she said affirmatively.

"Ville knew about it?"

"Yeah, of course he did."

"Why am I only now hearing of this? Just because I'm on the other side of the ocean doesn't mean you can't call me and tell me these things. You know I would have been on the next flight out here to support you two, Ave."

"I know, I know. And I appreciate that, I do... But we didn't want to put you or anyone else through that."

Jesse rolled his eyes. "So what does that have to do with this baby? Why doesn't Ville know?"

"I meant to tell him, I did." She insisted and bit the inside of her cheek. "Every time I tried to, though, the words just wouldn't come out. "

"Don't you think he'd be happy to find out you have a second shot?"

"I know he’ll be happy. He’d be over the moon if he were to find out. But I am painfully aware of the last time I told him. You don't understand, Jesse... The heartache that he experienced was much harder for me to swallow than even the miscarriage itself." Avery paused and looked down at the floor. Her hands were fidgeting around and he waited patiently for her to continue. "The image of the pain in his face from those months is burned into the back of my eyes. Ville looked so... heartbroken. I never want to put him in that place again. We spent so long living in our sorrows, and now Ville's finally happy. He, you know, he no longer worries about my eating habits or my happiness; even if he does, he hides it well. He’s got a new record out, he’s on tour to all these new places… Things are going swimmingly, and I don’t want to ruin it. I don’t want to tell him in case I won’t able to carry this baby to full-term. I’d fall apart, sure, but at least he would be okay. At least the love of my life would be happy, and then… Then it wouldn’t matter that there was a constant gut-wrenching pain in my body. I’d endure it for the both of us.”

Jesse eyed her posture, noting how she occupied as little space as possible. She was crouched with her knees pulled up to her chest. Protective. Defensive. “Okay, but when are you going to tell him? Are you going to be in a cab on the way to the hospital when you’ve finally got him on the phone or something?”

“No, no. I’ll tell him long before then, I will. Right now… it’s still early. I’ll tell him when I reach the end of my first trimester; according to the doctor, that’s the period of highest risk for a miscarriage. After that, after I know the baby is safe, I’ll tell him, I’ll tell everybody, but for now… For now, it’s just our little secret, okay? You can’t break the news.”

Jesse sighed and conceded hesitantly, “Fine.”

“And don’t worry. I’ll make it up to him for missing the first three months. I’m taking pictures and writing in a journal of everything I’m experiencing… I’m trying my hardest to keep him connected with all of this.” Avery bit her lip and looked up at him. “Am I crazy, Jesse? Is this insane for me to keep this from him?”

"Well… it’s not ideal. I certainly don’t like the thought of you having to go through this by yourself, but… But your heart is in the right place. I just hope Ville sees it that way when you tell him.”

“Yeah. Yeah, me too.” she whispered.

“I hope that things go well, but if they don’t… I’m only ever a phone call away, okay? Please don’t go through it alone.”

“Okay.” she nodded.

They sat in silence while Jesse mulled over the news. He couldn’t believe that his brother had kept such an important part of his life from him. His family was there for Ville, and Jesse knew that his parents would have made the trip to the city if it meant helping Ville and Avery. He looked at her. It wasn’t a great situation, and he knew Avery would be lonely until Ville got back from tour. He decided to make the most of his visit, maybe extend it a day or two.

“Okay, does your invitation for a movie still stand? I’m down for something scary.”

Avery perked up. “Yeah. I think The Conjuring just came out if you wanna go see that.”

“You sure you’re up for it?”

“Why, you think I can’t handle a good scare?” she challenged.

“Alright then, let’s see what you’ve got, sis.”

When they returned home from dinner later that night, Jesse settled into his place on the couch, knocking out almost immediately. Avery had a more difficult time getting to sleep. She tossed and turned in bed before she finally went to the closet. She ruffled through Ville’s clothes looking for something to sleep in. It had to be something big and comfortable but that still smelled like him. It had to be pungent with the smell of his sweet skin and that light cologne he always wore. She wanted him close to her so that she knew he wasn’t missing out. It was so that she wouldn’t let herself succumb to the voices that were convincing her to tell him about the baby. She couldn’t. She couldn’t tell him yet.

She found a big Sabbath shirt and pulled it out of the drawer. After stripping off her own clothes, Avery fit the band tee over her head and settled into it. She smoothed it down until she reached her stomach.

“This is your Daddy’s.” she whispered. “He’s amazing. He’s the strongest man I know. Daddy doesn’t know about you yet, but he already loves you. Because you’re his, and that’s all he’s ever needed. He’s a simple guy.”

She chuckled. Avery walked to the bed and lay down in her spot. With her arms outstretched, she felt the cold space where Ville’s body would normally lay. She missed him.

“And Mommy’s here.” Avery continued, rubbing her stomach. “Right here with baby. Daddy’s away now, but he’s always with us. Mommy and Daddy are always here for you, whenever you need us. We can’t wait to meet you.”

She sighed and rolled over to pull a notebook out of the nightstand drawer. She flipped it open to a fresh page and sat up with a pen. It was a journal that she’d been writing entries over the past month. There wasn’t an entry for every day, but Avery would write down anything noteworthy from the way she felt when she found out about the pregnancy to the beginning of her morning sickness. Her talk with Jesse earlier this evening had stirred some unsettled feelings she had about keeping this a secret from Ville.

Ville,

Every so often I start to doubt whether I’m making the right decision. I don’t know if you’ll see it my way; frankly, I’d understand if you didn’t. A baby is a major part of our lives, and you deserve to be along for the entire journey. I’m keeping that from you, and I’m not happy about it. I know that the book of pictures and this notebook aren’t much, but it’s all I can do to make up for lost time. I’m trying to make the best of a bad situation… God, I can’t wait to tell you. Only 37 more days until you’re home. I hope things go well until then.

Avery