Heartkiller

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Ville stood in front of the pathway leading up the brick steps to his parents' house. He was frozen with his feet planted in the snow. His hands were by his side and he waited for some indication telling him to move forward. His hood covered his head and a beanie provided additional protection against the cold winds, but his stance never wavered. Ville bit his lip. He knew he would be here at some point to tell them of Avery's death, but he never expected to carry such a heavy weight on his shoulders.

He rolled his eyes, thinking that maybe if he thought his behavior were petty and immature that he could finally move. He tried to take a step, but his knee only faltered slightly. Ville tightened his hands into fists and fought back tears.

"Come on, Ville. Don't be such a coward." He muttered as he straightened his posture. "They're your parents. They need to know."

In his peripheral vision, he noticed movement in the window of the living room. Someone knew he was here. Ville turned away from the house and faced the street. He didn't think it would be so hard to deliver the news, but now that he was here, he regretted ever writing off the chance to tell them over the phone. Maybe then he wouldn't have to see the tears in his parents eyes like piercing daggers through his heart. He folded his arms over his chest, ready to return to his tower; he would try again tomorrow. As he started to take a step away from the house, a hand landed on his shoulder.

"Hey, what are you--Ville!" Jesse exclaimed when his brother turned around. "Dude, what are you doing out here? Mum thought some creep was hanging around the house and had me come check, but it's just you, ya knob."

"Hey, Jess." Ville whispered and slipped his hands in his pockets.

He tried to remember why his brother would be at his parents house; last he remembered, Jesse was living with his girlfriend Sara in some place in the city. He wouldn’t be here unless he was missing his mother’s home cooking or it was a special occasion. He froze. He turned toward the house and saw the Christmas tree in the window, reminding him what day it was. Ville cursed himself. What was he doing here today of all days?

"Why are you waiting out here? Come on in." He asked and tugged on his arm.

“Nah, I, um--” he paused as he thought of an excuse. “I just remembered that I left something at home, and uh… I should go get it.”

Jesse rolled his eyes. “Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Mum’s been scared half to death that she hasn’t heard from you in so long. I’m sure whatever you forgot isn’t that big a deal, alright?”

“No, really, I should--I should go home first. I've been meaning to, um, come by and well, my mind has been kinda shrouded by a lot of shit, so I.... I don't know, I forgot to bring Christmas presents.”

It was a terrible lie. The Valo family had never been very particular about the Christmas holidays; it was mostly a chance to catch up on their lives and have a moment of peace. He knew that the last thing on anyone’s mind was a present. The younger man narrowed his eyes, suspicious of the way his brother was behaving. Though Ville was typically a nervous speaker, this sounded odd and he didn’t understand why.

His cheerful attitude dropped, and he asked, “What’s wrong? Why are you acting weird?”

“Hmm? It’s..." He exhaled deeply and dismissed, "It's complicated, Jesse.”

“What are you talking about?” he folded his arms over his chest, causing him to resemble a concerned adult admonishing a youngster. Jesse could tell that he was hiding something, and he was determined to find out what it was. Ville stayed silent and shifted his gaze to avoid eye contact; he felt uneasy and didn't want to explain. His brother insisted, “What is it? What’s wrong?”

With his eyes low, he hesitantly replied, “I, um, I have some news for you and mum and dad, but… I don’t really want to say it.”

"Oh, is that what this is about?" he scoffed, thinking he knew what Ville had in mind. Immediately, Jesse calmed down and lightened the mood again with his jovial attitude.

"What?" he asked obliviously.

“Look, I’m sure I know exactly what you’re hear to say, and trust me, Mum’s been dying to hear this from you since the second you and Avery got married.” he said with a smile. "She's gonna be so happy to find out she's a grandma."

"You... You know about that?" He asked incredulously.

With a small sheepish smile, he admitted, "Yeah, Avery didn’t really want to tell me, but when I came by New York a few weeks ago, she had some bad morning sickness or something. It was hard for her to keep it a secret that she was pregnant..."

Ville remained silent. He didn’t know what to think, and at this point, he was too emotionally drained to even wonder why Jesse hadn’t mentioned it the last time they had spoken. All he could do was stare blankly.

Jesse, noticing the lack of response, explained. "I'm sorry, bro. I would have told you, but she made me promise not to say anything. But hey! Now, you know, right? It makes no difference. Anyway, come on, let’s go talk to mum and dad.”

“I can’t.” he conceded.

“What do you mean you can’t? Come on. I’m sure now that you’re home, Ma will finally let me breeze under the radar. You won’t believe how hard it is for me to do anything around here; I come home for the holidays and she treats me like a sixteen year old again. I have a curfew and every time I try and go out, it’s like I’m being interrogated or something.” He groaned and continued to ramble, “It doesn’t matter anymore, though. She’ll be over the moon about Ave that she won’t even remember my fucking name, I’m sure. Where--”

“Jesse, she’s dead.” he interrupted coldly.

He stopped pulling on his older brother’s arm and balked. Surprised by the admission, he coughed, “Wha-what?”

“Ave and I got in a car accident two months ago and… she didn’t make it.” Ville whispered. “She’s gone.”

Jesse’s face fell, and he ran his hand through his hair. With wide eyes, he stood in utter shock as he tried to accept what Ville told him. His usually chipper demeanor was absent, and he stuttered, “T-two months ago? What the hell?”

Ville watched as his younger brother paced the sidewalk with his hands in his hair. He seemed so confused and unable to process the news; it was familiar place for Ville. He remembered having been in the same position only weeks ago. With his hands in his pockets, he uneasily watched Jesse stare blankly at the empty street with his mouth agape, unable to find the words to express himself. Ville looked down. Neither one knew what to say to console the other.

It took a few minutes before Jesse snapped his head towards him and ordered, “Come inside.”

Jesse turned away from the street and opened the black-iron gate to head back into the house. Ville reluctantly followed his brother up the brick pathway. The snow had settled onto the lawn, and he could see the top of a garden gnome poking through the white blanket. The greenery had lost its luster and was a dull, muted color now. Everything looked the same as it always had, but it felt different as he walked up the steps and across the threshold into the foyer. It didn't feel like the comfort with which he usually associated his parents house; no, it seemed like he was walking a cursed path.

As soon as he walked inside, the familiar aroma of his mother’s blueberry pie permeated his senses. He uneasily walked through the house, Jesse leading the way, to the kitchen where Anita was making dinner.

“Look who I found.” the younger son announced, though his voice remained glum.

Anita turned from the sink where she was washing dishes, and her face lit up when she saw Ville. She quickly dried her hands on a washcloth and approached him.

"Ah, there you are. You haven’t given a call in so long that I was beginning to think you weren't gonna show up for Christmas.” she scolded but hugged him tightly. “How are you, Ville?”

“I’ll get Dad.” Jesse murmured solemnly as he left the room.

“What’s gotten into him? Did you two fight about something already?” she asked curiously.

“Um, well… I’ll tell you when Dad gets here.” he excused and leaned against the doorway. The Finn towered over his mother and he watched her finish preparing food.

“Okay, okay, explain over dinner. Tell me all about what you've been doing since I last saw you." She smiled widely, happy to finally have her elder son home.

"We, um, did the festival circuit and played shows to promote the record.” he tried his hardest to keep the mood light. “ You know, the same ole thing."

"And then? Weren't you supposed to come back from that tour in October or something? What have you been doing since then?" She returned to the stove to stir the contents in a pot. “I haven’t heard as much as a peep from you or Avery in quite some time. I’ve been so worried about you.”

"I’ve been writing. There’s been some... unexpected inspiration recently, and I’ve been wrapped up in the music as of late." He answered. It wasn't a lie; Ville had written enough songs for an entire album within the past two months. The guitar had been his only means of comfort, save for the beers he’d been knocking back.

"Writing, you're always writing.” she mumbled. “It seems you that you’ve been writing so much that you’ve neglected to take care of yourself. You look rail-thin, my boy. I’m sure Avery wouldn’t have left you to starve like this. Where is she, anyway? Isn't she joining us?” Anita noted.

Ville sighed. He moved to the dining table, which was in the room adjacent to the kitchen, and collapsed in a chair. His shoulders slouched, and he put his face in his hands. “I’ll tell you, Ma. I’ll tell you.”

Too distracted by the stove, Anita didn’t think anything of his lethargic responses. He sat and waited, silently kicking himself for coming on the least opportune day of all to tell them what had happened. It was supposed to be a good, positive day, and he knew he was going to ruin it completely. It was too late for him to make an escape, and he knew he couldn’t bite his tongue since Jesse would surely make him admit his secrets. Ville was stuck.

At the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs, Ville lifted his head from his hands to see his father and brother entering the living room. It had been a few months since he’d seen his family, and while his mother looked as young as ever, the early signs of aging were starting to appear as fine lines and leathery skin on Kari’s face. He saw Ville and grinned widely.

“Good to see you, son. What? Did you forget the phone number, huh?” Kari joked, not sensing the tension. He playfully slapped his son’s back to greet him.

“Sorry, Dad, I’ve just--uh, been dealing with a lot.”

“Too much to give a ring? Or answer the phone? We tried calling you so many times, Ville.”

"Yeah..."

"Your mother was ready to book a flight to come see you until we talked to Mige. He was able to calm your mother down and said that you were just busy with something-or-other. She heard that you were alive, and that’s all she really needed."

"I was, I was. The city... Well, the city hasn't been kind, I suppose."

“Where’s Avery?”

Anita, as she started to bring the pots of food to the table, added, “Oh, I already tried asking him the same things, Kari. The boy seems really shaken up about something, so I thought not to give him such a hard time.”

“Yeah, I have… things to tell you.” Ville mumbled.

Jesse sat next to his brother at the table, and their father sat across from them. The sons remained silent, both hampered by what they knew, while their father attempted to make small talk. “You know, especially after this latest album, there have been quite a few HIM fans stopping by the shop. I had people trailing in now and then before, but once the album came out--” he blew out air to express his astonishment. “It’s been a steady traffic. Your fans are so loyal.”

“Yeah… as long as they’re bringing you business and not just lurking around hoping to see me or something… it’s all good and fine, I guess.”

“Of course, of course! It’s been good for business.”

Once Anita brought the last dish to the table, she took the remaining seat at the table to join her family. Kari was the first to start serving food for himself, then Anita, and finally the sons, having lost their appetites, begrudgingly added food to their plates.

“So, what’s this news you have for us?” Anita asked as she took a bite of the carrot casserole she’d made.

“Maybe after dinner, Ma, I don’t want to spoil the mood.”

“Nonsense, Ville. Don’t keep us waiting! You’ve already built anticipation as it is… Just spit it out.” she said lightly.

Ville’s eyes looked around the table at the faces of his family. His parents were looking at him with eager eyes, while Jesse’s mirrored a sense of sympathy. Ville’s mouth fell agape, but no words came out. He stared blankly at his plate and swirled his food with a fork, clearly not in the mood to eat. His brother nudged him, calling his attention, and he bit his lip before sighing deeply.

“I know that I’ve been absent lately, but I have a valid reason... I know that I should have told you earlier, but… I couldn’t. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay, dear, you’re here now. What is it?”

“Well, um, after we wrapped the tour, the band had a small get-together in New York. When we were on our back--when Avery and I were on our way back,” he corrected. "It was late in the night, and we… I don’t really know how it happened, it was kind of all of a sudden, but we, um, we got in a car accident.”

“Oh, no.” Anita immediately reacted.

“Yeah, and I… I just had a bruised shoulder from hitting the door of the cab, but Avery--” he choked, his heart in his throat. His parents were at the edge of their seats, waiting to hear him say the words. They left their plates untouched as they were too awestruck to move.

“What happened to her?” Kari probed finally. "Is she okay?"

Ville closed his eyes, but a few tears slipped through his lashes. He couldn’t look at his parents as he said his next words. “She--She didn’t make it. The other car hit her side of the cab pretty hard, and she, um, she lost a lot of blood in the time it took the paramedics to get her out of the car. Avery died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.”

His mother gasped and sat back in her seat. She felt a pang of anguish in her chest, and she couldn’t believe what her son had said. Immediately, tears slipped down her cheeks. She loved Avery like the daughter she never had, and she couldn’t grasp that she was gone now. Anita had no idea anything was wrong; in fact, she had spoken to Avery's mother a few weeks ago, and Grace hadn't mentioned anything awry then. As far as Anita knew, everything was fine. She thought the silence was because her son was too moody and brooding to call and speak to them. She never expected something like this.

Kari was equally taken aback. He adored her daughter-in-law for the person she was, always doting on her in-laws and keeping Ville in check. He knew how much of an effect Avery had had on his son: after she entered Ville's life, he was a completely new person. Without the alcohol wearing him down, Ville would not only be more present in his conversations but also a happier person. Not to mention the fact that Avery would jump at every chance to come spend time with Kari and Anita, she was the best partner Ville had ever had. He didn't know how to react and pulled his own wife into a side-hug to console her.

Ville dropped his hood and ran a hand through his hair, which had been freshly cut short for Helldone. The cropped mane hardly hung in his face, and he couldn't use it as a curtain to hide behind. His eyes were glued to the table; he couldn’t bear to look them in the eyes and see the pain they mirrored.

“There’s more.” Jesse blurted.

“What? What else?” his father asked. Kari’s mouth was dry, and he felt sick to his stomach. There were tears in his eyes as well, but he was the archetype Finnish man; he would release his emotions in private. For now, he had to put on a brave face.

After swallowing a lump in his throat, Ville added, “She was three months pregnant at the time.”

At the words, Anita let out another sob, and her hand fluttered to her mouth. “What? What are you talking about? Why didn’t you ever tell us?”

“Yeah… Uh, I, um, I would have if I’d known, but… I didn’t find out about it until a week ago.”

“What do you mean? How could you not know that your wife was pregnant?” Anita implored.

He sighed. Each question they asked was a prick on his skin. A prick with a very large butcher’s knife, slicing its way. Although they were legitimate concerns, he despised having to answer them and to hurt his parents further. These were the unfortunate consequences he had to face as a result of trying to protect them for all this time. Now, it was one calamity after another.

He excused, “I think I’ve dropped enough surprises for one day, Ma. I know you have a lot of questions, but I’ll explain another time. I think I’ve already dampened the mood enough for one day.”

“What else is there?” his father reaffirmed.

Ville looked away. He had relived the sour moments of the past year a thousand times, and it was still painful for him to think about everything that had happened. From the miscarriage to her attempted suicide, Ville felt like he had jumped through hoops just to survive till the end of the year. When he’d dealt with the repercussions in private, he knew that it didn’t matter what he did to himself because no one would ever know and no one else would be hurt by it. Now that he was sitting in front of his grief-stricken family, he could see how wrong he was. Ville scoffed when he remembered that he had felt he could leave this world without affecting anybody. Even his therapist was quick to point out the flaws in his reasoning. These were the people he would be hurting. His mother, his father, his brother.

With an obvious grumble, he elaborated, “About a year ago, Avery was pregnant. I was recording the album and we were apart for most of the time, but when I returned home, she told me that, um, that she’d suffered a miscarriage. She was about eight weeks along when it happened, but we took it pretty hard.”

“You never told us about that.”

“We didn’t want to hurt you, too. We were already so hung up on it, and it was just-- it was difficult, Dad. It didn’t seem necessary to hurt you when it was all said and done. There was nothing you could do to change it, and you would just be upset… We didn’t want that.”

“Still, didn’t you need to talk to someone?”

“We had each other,” he reasoned with a weak voice. “It seemed like enough… Well, it was enough.”

“When did all of this happen?”

“The miscarriage was in early January, but the accident was--the accident was about two months ago, in early November.”

“And you kept this from us for all this time?” Anita asked with wide eyes.

Ville looked at his mother and let the tears spill. He admitted, “I couldn’t bear to utter the words, Ma.”

With a heavy heart, she stood and walked around the table to hug her son, letting him cry into her shoulder. Her chin rested on top of his head, and she cried, too. She couldn’t believe it. He wasn’t sure who was consoling whom; they were both crying their grief. Kari, never one to vocalize his emotions, stood from the table and silently went upstairs, opting for some privacy while he dealt with the news.

After a few minutes, Ville pulled away, and his mother looked in his eyes. With a solemn expression, she brushed his cheeks dry and kissed his forehead. “I’m sorry, kulta.”

“Yeah… Me too.” he said and fiddled with his fingers. “I’m gonna go out for a smoke.”

Ville stood and brushed past his mother. He went down the hallway leading to the back of the house, and as soon as he opened the back door, a gust of wind blew in his face. The door slammed shut behind him, and he treaded to the corner of the porch, settling into the corner of the deck. Ville pulled out his box of cigarettes from his front pocket and slipped one between his dry lips. Fumbling through his pockets for a lighter, he grunted when he couldn’t find one.

“Here.”

Ville looked up to see his brother holding out a light for him, which he accepted. “Thanks.”

“Yeah.”

Jesse sat down on the wood deck a few feet from him and started on his own cigarette. He was still taken aback by all the news. Though he was aware of the miscarriage and the second pregnancy, he didn’t know that Avery had passed away. It struck him hard. For now, though, he dispelled the malaise so that he could focus on his brother’s well-being.

Jesse asked, "Did you find all the stuff she was getting ready for you?"

His head perked up and he cocked a brow. "You saw that?"

Jesse shook his head and took a drag of his cigarette before replying, "Nah, she wouldn't let me see anything. She was already reluctant to tell me about the pregnancy at all, she sure wasn't gonna show me all this stuff about it. Not before you knew, at least. She told me what she was planning, though."

"Yeah, I found it. There was a box of pictures and notes, but...."

"But, what?"

He exhaled deeply. "I don't know, Jesse. I just don't understand why she thought this was a good thing. I mean, her letters explained some of it, but... I'm an adult. Why did she feel like she had to shelter me from all of this? If we miscarried again..." He paused, disturbed by the thought. "If we did, she and I would get through it together. Why did she want to protect me like that?"

"You said it."

"Hmm?" He grunted with the cigarette between his lips.

"She wanted to protect you."

"From getting hurt? She brought me insurmountable happiness, yes, but it was certainly not her duty to preserve it timelessly. I wouldn't want her to go through it alone. And if we didn't miscarry, well then, I could have been there for the whole pregnancy." Jesse remained silent. "I wish I could talk to her one last time. Try and convince her that I could have handled it."

"That's exactly what she didn't want."

"What are you talking about?"

His jaw hung open as he struggled to decide if he wanted to bother. He didn’t think it was answer that Ville would have wanted to hear. Finally, he replied, "Forget it."

"No, Jesse. Tell me." Ville said firmly.

"That was the whole point: she didn't want you to handle it. She didn't want you to go through it at all. It wasn't just for some selfless reason of not wanting to put you through that pain, it was more than that. Avery didn’t--she didn't want to have to see you suffer like that."

"What?" Ville spat. “What are you talking about?”

Jesse looked down at his hands and continued, "She said that the first time you had to go through the miscarriage, it was so bad and that she loved you too much to put you through the ringer again."

"That wasn't her decision to make. What makes her think that I would've wanted to go through that pain alone? It nearly broke her the first time."

"Hey, don't ask me. I told you as much as I knew. She just wanted you to be happy, Ville. Can’t you understand that?”

Ville bit his tongue. He could understand the sentiment but resented the way she went about it. "I know that she cared, that she loved me... I can even say that she did that with the best of intentions, but... “ he sighed. “But dear Lord, I wish she hadn't. I wish she didn't carry such an immense burden on her shoulders trying to keep me happy at the expense of her sanity." He stamped out the butt of his cigarette and popped another smoke in his mouth.

"I'm sorry again. For everything."

"Don't be." He reassured immediately. "It's not your fault."

"Yeah, but maybe if I had just told you about the pregnancy before, even though she told me not to, then you could have at least been there."

"No, Jesse, that... That would not have made things easier. If I had known the baby existed, if I had fallen in love with it, this would all be twice as hard. At least now I only had the questions about what she was hiding and all that. The baby... It's hard to grieve over something you never knew existed. No, Avery's plan was for the better." Ville smiled at the thought, a genuine smile. "That woman is probably grinning smugly in her grave to know that she was right."

"Okay..." He said unsurely.

"Hey now, chin up. Don't worry about me, alright? I'll be just fine."

"Is it really that simple?"

"Do I think that Avery owns my heart? Always and forever. But there's no use in moping around still. I have to move on from this.”

“Do you think you’ll ever… you know? Move on completely?”

“You mean, like will I ever be with someone again? Uh, maybe. Love has been so constant in my life--sometimes it’s a thorn in my side, but constant nonetheless--so I don’t think I can write it off. Who knows? I could meet someone that fills the void, but I’m certainly not looking. But kids, a family? No, that’s not likely. Having children is something sacred that was between Avery and me. If I can’t have that life with her, I’m not gonna have it with anybody. After all, I’m nearly 40 now. You know, by the time I meet someone, and… i-it just wouldn’t work.” He pulled himself to his feet. “Anyway, if we’re done with the interrogation here... I should get going. I have rehearsals tomorrow."

"You're still doing Helldone?"

"Yeah, of course. Besides, I have to see the boys again, I'm sure they're all wondering how I've been, too. I've kept mum for a while now, and they've been patient."

Without another comforting response, he noted, "It's good to see you taking it so well."

"No, Jesse." He smiled. "This is after two months of sitting with the news. I wasn't always so... Hm, hopeful. It took a lot of time and a lot of alcohol for me to get this far." He squashed out the rest of his cigarette. As he walked back into the house, he mumbled, "See ya around, Jesse."

Thursday, December 26, 2013

The December morning was frigid, which was nothing new in Helsinki. The window was frosty and several inches of snow had fallen on the city overnight. Ville woke up with his arms spread over the bed; he still hadn't gotten used to sleeping alone and had his arm outstretched due to habit. Usually, he would have woken with Avery in his grasp and a few morning kisses.

The mornings were difficult. By this point, Ville had come to accept that Avery wasn't going to magically appear out of thin air. However, whenever he woke up in the morning, rousing from a dream, his mind was too dazed to remember that she was gone. He wondered how long it would take for him to adjust, if he would ever.

His eyes blinked awake, and he stretched from head to toe. He spent a few minutes enjoying the warmth underneath the covers before he reluctantly got out of bed. He had a lot to get done today and he couldn't be late to rehearsal.

While reading the newspaper--a printed copy rather than an online version because he was old-fashioned that way; Avery would have made fun of that--Ville drank a cup of black coffee. The Finnish paper had several articles on recent events in the country, and he perused it to keep himself updated. When he turned the page, he saw an advertisement for the Helldone festival. The band was taking the show on the road this time around, making it the first time HIM toured Finland in a couple years. They were hitting four different cities, giving them a chance to interact with their Finnish fans.

Ville stopped and set his coffee down. Oh Lord, the fans. What was he going to tell them? Would he even tell them anything? As much as he tried to keep his personal life private, there was always some source or another that would leak stuff to the tabloids, nevermind the fact that the paparazzi would get pictures of the couple around town. The fans knew about Avery and that they were married. What would they think when they stopped seeing Avery around him?

The phone rang, interrupting his thoughts. He went to the other kitchen counter and answered it, “‘ello?”

“Hey, it’s me.” came Seppo’s familiar voice from the other end of the line.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“Your therapist called, and, um, she said that you went to the meetings as promised. She cleared you to play the shows.”

“Did she say anything else?” he asked, wondering if she’d told him everything.

“No, was she supposed to?”

“No, no. I was just asking.” Ville smiled, knowing that Dr. Ashbury hadn’t overstepped. “Anyway, I’m on my way to rehearsal, actually.”

“Are you sure you’re ready for this, boy?”

“What, you don’t trust the qualified opinion of my therapist?” he asked sarcastically.

“I do, but… I don’t want you to rush into this. I know that I pushed you earlier this year, pressuring you to finish the album so we wouldn’t have to cancel shows. This is different. You’ve experienced a loss, and I don’t want you to put yourself back on stage, back in the spotlight, unless you’re ready for that kind of attention. I don’t have to tell you, but… Helldone is big. All eyes are on you.”

If only Seppo had known that he had been in a similar position earlier this year, recovering from the loss of a baby, he would feel differently now. Seppo would never know about that, though; no one would. Ville deflected lightheartedly, “You scared I’m gonna pull some stunt?”

“I’m scared for your sanity. That kind of attention could be the farthest thing from medicine for your wounds.”

“Seppo, you know me. This band, this music… it’s my life. It’s exactly what I need. Don’t worry about it, okay?”

He reluctantly accepted. “Okay.”

“Alright, then. I gotta head out.”

“Okay, bye.”

“Bye, then.”

Ville hung up the phone. Everywhere he turned, people were trying to make sure he was okay. He didn’t need that. Everybody would be walking on eggshells trying to make sure that Ville was okay, and that’s the last thing he wanted. It would only make it harder for him. In fact, that was enough to answer the question on his mind: he wasn’t going to tell the fans anything. Telling them meant thousands of people worrying about his state of mind, and he could hardly bear the thought.

After putting his coffee cup in the sink, Ville went to the door and put on his layers of clothing to brave against the harsh winter outside. Patting his front pocket to check for his keys, he made his way outside. Now he was off to talk to his band members and reassure them that they didn’t have to worry about anything. Since the balcony incident weeks ago, Ville had made a lot of progress, most of which was in the last few days. He had to show them that. However, he wasn’t going to tell them about the miscarriage or the second pregnancy; there wasn’t anything constructive they could do with that information, so he’d keep that between his family.

The rehearsal space wasn’t a very large building. It housed the band’s equipment and served as a storage area for other memorabilia. When he walked into the familiar place, he was instantly comforted. Ville walked down the hallway to the room on the end, where he could hear the band talking.

“Hey,” Ville greeted, his voice low. The rest of the guys looked up, eager to hear how he was doing now. They hadn’t heard so much as a peep from him for the past two months, and here he stood.

“Hey,” came the soft response in unison. The greeting was weighted with questions of how Ville felt.

He took off the coat, leaving his scarf around his neck. “How’s everybody?”

“How are you?” Linde countered.

“Better.” he shrugged to ease the tension.

Burton replied. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“Thanks. And um, thank you, you know for respecting my space. I really needed that.” Ville said as he settled into the couch. Everybody turned in the seats to face him.

“Of course.”

"Is there anything we can do to help?" Gas asked.

"Not really, no." He exhaled deeply. "Everything's done. I'll be going back to New York in the new year to get our belongings from there, and then.... I don't know. I'll take it one day at a time, I guess."

"Did you tell your parents?" Mige clarified.

"Yeah, I told them and I told Jesse yesterday."

"Yesterday? Oh, great timing, bud." He remarked sarcastically, trying to lighten the mood.

It worked. Ville smiled. "I know."

"You seem surprisingly calm about all this. Are you sure you're okay?" Linde asked.

"I'm calm because, well because I've accepted it at this point. I, uh, I don’t like it certainly, but I’m at a place where the thought of Avery being dead doesn’t cripple me into the fetal position or something. You know, it’s just… she’s not here anymore, and I can understand that. I can wrap my head around it. That’s all I can really do, at this point." The band sat frozen and unconvinced. “Listen, I’ll be okay. It’ll take time, but I’ll be okay.”

“That’s some unexpected optimism.” Gas offered.

Ville corrected. “That’s the work of the therapist.”

“You went to therapy?” Mige asked in disbelief.

“Well, Seppo made me.” he replied quickly.

“I just can’t believe you actually went. You’re never one to ask for help.”

“I did say that he made me go, right? And anyway… it’s not so bad.”

“Is this gonna be a regular thing, then?” Burton asked.

“Uhh, well… it would be difficult. There aren’t really many people in Helsinki that I could go to, at least, that I’d feel comfortable going to. I don’t know. I might keep in touch with Dr. Ashbury--that’s the therapist from New York--now and then, if I need to.”

They sat and thought about what their friend told them. Ville let them absorb it all and waited to see if they had any more questions. He was sure the past few weeks wouldn’t have been easy for them, either. Nevermind the state of the band, they were friends. If any of them were going through something difficult, Ville would have been concerned, so he knew they shared the same sentiment.

“So are we gonna play some music or are we just gonna stare at each other all day?” he asked.

“Nah, let’s go, let’s go.” Burton said and everyone stood, getting to their places.

The rehearsal area was a small room, no bigger than a garage, and their instruments were already set up and ready to go. Band posters lined the walls of the place, giving them some inspiration when needed. Burton and Gas took their seats while Linde and Mige strapped on their instruments.

"Alright, I think we can work off the setlist from the summer tour. Maybe just tweak things a bit. " Ville said into the mic as he grabbed a notepad and pen.

"Yeah, sounds good. Maybe we can add a couple extra songs from Tears on Tape. " Mige added.

"Yeah, yeah sure. Let's take it from the top of Buried Alive, then. Gas, if you'd start us off here."

The drummer started a few beats on the cymbals to introduce the song before the rest of the band joined in. They continued through rehearsal, mainly brushing up on songs to make sure things were perfect. The band worked to adjust the setlist a bit for the new audience and also so they didn't get too bored of playing the same thing.

"Alright, that sounds good to me." Ville said when they finished up a run of Funeral of Hearts. He had a sheet next to him with scribbles and arrows as they rearranged songs.

“Same time tomorrow?” Burton asked.

“Yeah, let’s do it.” the singer answered as he made some final notes. “Uh, when are we leaving, again?”

“6am on Saturday. A couple interviews and soundcheck is at 5 that evening.”

Ville looked up from his papers. “Okay, cool. See you guys tomorrow, then.”

The rest of the guys started gathering their belongings, talking about how they’d spent Christmas as they walked outside. Ville started putting on his coat and noticed that Mige was lingering around intentionally. Ville pretended like he didn’t notice, waiting for his friend to say something, and put his hand in his coat pocket--the million dollar check that Avery had received a few weeks ago was in his pocket. As he’d promised himself, he was going to deposit the check now that he had the answers about that night. Still, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do with the money. Ville continued to ruffle through his belongings, and once he had put things away, he turned around to come face to face with his best friend.

He smiled. “Yes?”

"So... what now?" Mige asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean what does all this mean for you?"

“In regards to the band… or in regards to my life?”

“Your life, Ville. Your life. You were in New York for Avery, and now that she’s--now, are you going to move back here? You know, what’s going to happen?”

"Now.... I'm not quite sure. I have to talk to a realtor back in the City to take care of the apartment. The place should sell rather quickly for the location and privacy, so that won't be much trouble. I'll have to ship all our belongings here, but after that... I probably won't go back very often. I'll go to visit Avery now and then, but otherwise... Everyone else that matters to me is here in Finland, so I'll be here too."

"What are you going to do with all her stuff?"

Ville smirked. "I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead. I can't keep it forever, but I can't get rid of it just yet either. We'll see."

“Okay… It’s good to see you back on your feet.” He turned to leave but looked back at his friend. “You know I’m here for you, right? If you ever need anything.”

“Yeah, yeah. Now get out, you fat bastard!” he chuckled.

Saturday December 28, 2013: Oulu

It was about a half hour before the first show of the Helldone festival, and Ville was backstage with the rest of the boys. Well, the guys were in a green room while he was pacing in the alley behind the club, cigarette in hand. He was nervous before the show, as per usual. Even though he had been doing this for twenty years, it was always an adrenaline rush and he never got used to the pre-show jitters. Once he was on stage in front of the mic, he was in his element with his eyes closed as he crooned another melancholic melody, but the moments leading up to that were always tense. Nicotine was his only means of solace.

He looked up. It was a clear night, so he could see many of the stars clearly. Some shone brightly, while others faded in and out of view. He gazed in wonder, remembering what Avery had taught of him the constellations, and was able to pick out a few. Orion, the warrior, was an easy one to spot because of the three stars of his belt, and his loyal dog wasn’t far behind. He could even see a faint line of stars that ran across the sky--the end of the Milky Way galaxy. It really put things into perspective for him. He was a speck in the universe, and it was quite humbling. He knew that as much as his heart ached now, he’d be okay. It wasn’t a line that he used to shrug the concerns of his family and friends; he truly believed it. Ville was going to be okay.

“Hey, Ville?” He turned to see a crew member’s head pop out of the doorway. “You’re on in five.”

Ville nodded and the man went back inside. He took one last long drag of the cigarette and dropped it to the ground. The snow immediately put out the light, and he went inside to join the rest of his band. They were getting up from their seats in the green room, throwing out beer cans on their way out the door.

“Ready?” Mige asked as they walked to the stage.

“As much as I’ll ever be.” he chuckled.

The band hung in the sidelines as the crew finished getting things ready. Odalisque had just finished performing, and the crowd was abuzz with their thoughts on the sound of the unfamiliar band. When Gas and Burton started walking out, however, the crowd went wild with cheers and hoots.

“And the madness begins!” Mige muttered ominously under his breath as he and Linde started walking out.

Once everyone was in their place, they started playing the beginning of the first song. Ville hung backstage for a few seconds and shook off the last of his nerves. He looked down and grabbed the wedding band that hung from a chain around his neck.

"Wish me luck, Ave." He said and kissed it.

When Ville started walking on stage, the crowd screamed even louder than they had before. He grinned at the welcome and picked up a bottle of water that was by the drum kit. After taking a few gulps, he set the bottle down and exchanged it for his guitar. His eyes scanned the crowd of fans as usual. There were a few familiar faces of friends he hadn't seen in a while. The rest were just fans who had come out to have a good time, and he didn't want to disappoint.

Ville lifted his hand to give the rest of the band the signal, and they started playing the opening bars again now that they were warmed up. With his acoustic guitar, he played along while facing Gas. He could always rely on the funny faces Gas and Mige made to cheer him up, and he laughed before turning to the mic.

At his cue, he began to sing, "So after all that we have done, are you feeling cold? Like the winter sun. And have you thought about all the words that we left unsaid? Don't be scared…” he paused. “You shouldn't be."