The Day You Fell Apart

I could hear them walking outside of my door, just pacing back and forth. I’d count every single step they took, and then count every time they’d stop. So far, it has been 34 steps and 12 stops. I’d count every time they’d converse and whisper under their breaths. I could feel the wave of concern from them wishing it could break down my door and get to me. But I didn’t need any pity. I didn’t need their concern. All I needed was my bed, my pillow, and Evan.

I heard their faint whispers of ‘Do you think she’ll be okay?’ and ‘Maybe we should go in and talk to her’ and all I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs, ‘I can hear you!’ But of course, I didn’t. I just stayed where I was, with my body sprawled out on my undersized bed. My head was digging into my pillow and a sense of claustrophobia rushed upon me, and I weirdly liked the feeling that it gave me. It gave me a reason to worry about that and not everything else that has happened in the past week.

I heard my door knob turn and my door slowly creak open. I held my breath but kept my head stuffed in my pillow, hoping that whoever it was would just go away.

“Jillianne,” My mother said quietly. I ignored her, thinking that somehow she’d get the hint and leave, but of course she didn’t. She sat down on my bed by me and placed a hand on my shoulder. I tensed and shrugged her hand off and she sighed. “The funeral is tomorrow.” She stated solemnly.

“I’m not going.”

“What do you mean you’re not going?” My mother asked incredulously.

“I never want to leave this confined space that I call my room,” I grumbled in sheer teenage angst while finally taking my head off of the pillow. I took a deep breath, which felt extremely calming due to the fact that I was basically suffocating myself before.

“You need to go,” My mom remarked while tucking a piece of my brown hair behind my ear. “You’ve been cooped up inside all week, Jillianne. Please, take a walk, eat something, do something, anything. Evan would want you to live your life. He'd want you to be happy.”

“You didn’t even know Evan, mom, don’t you dare try to act like you’d know what he’d want,” I replied angrily and sat up in my bed. I flipped the covers over me and stole a glance at myself in the dresser mirror. My petite frame was even more petite now, probably because I haven’t eaten barely anything in the past week. My eyes had black circles under them from the lack of sleep and my hair was tangled in random spots. I looked like Hell. And that’s putting it lightly.

I walked over to my closet and pulled on an oversized black hoodie and pulled on some random shoes that my rested beneath my bright yellow silk pajama bottoms. I probably looked like a homeless bumblebee, but I didn’t care.

“I’m going on a walk. Just like you want,” I stated and didn’t even bother to look at my mother’s saddened expression as I bolted down the stairs and ran out of my front door. Away from my family, away from my house and away from the tears that have been threatening to escape my eyes for a week.
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”What would you do if I stuffed all of these in my mouth?”

“Um, I’d never talk to you again.”

“You’d seriously never talk to me again, Jill? Like never?”

“Never,” I replied and threw a fry into my mouth.

“Never say never,” Evan remarked and stuffed more fries than we could both count into his mouth. He grinned with stuffed cheeks, but still somehow looked attractive to me. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t do one thing that would make me not like him.

“Ew, Evan!” I yelped while he just smiled and opened his mouth wide. I groaned and raised my hands in the air. “Remind me again why I’m your girlfriend?”

Evan swallowed and leaned his head against my shoulder.

“Because you love me.”
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“Are you ready?”

I nodded meekly while stepping inside my mother’s car in our garage. I closed the door and rested my head against the window as she pulled out. I just stared outside at the passing trees which just looked like one big, green, blur.

I looked down at my black dress and tried to smooth it down, but it was no use. It stayed wrinkled. My heart felt so heavy as we drove to the funeral. I wanted nothing more than to open the door, propel myself out of the car and just run away. I wanted to lie in the middle of the road and just cry until I couldn’t any more. I wanted to be where he was. I wanted to be with him.

After fifteen minutes of silence, we finally arrived and it felt like I was holding my breath the whole way. Once I opened the door, I finally took one breath of the crisp air that I haven’t been in contact with in what seemed like forever. It felt somewhat nice, yet extremely wrong. Why do I deserve to breathe the air when Evan can’t anymore? I don’t deserve to even be able to walk. I deserve nothing, and Evan deserves the world.

“I’m so glad you came, Jill,” Evan’s mother, Mrs. Calum whispered into my ear once we arrived. Her voice was quivery and uneven and I could tell that she was trying her best to compose herself. She gave my shoulder a sympathetic squeeze before walking off. Tears were slowly making their way down her face as she walked away and as warped as this sounded, I wanted nothing more than to be in her position right now. The position where I could cry. Where I could let out all this unkempt agony into small little water droplets that could cascade down my face and onto the ground. I’ve been trying to cry for a week now. But my body won’t let me. And as much as I’d like to say that crying doesn’t solve anything and that crying is ‘overrated’, I’d kill to be able to let out my anger and sadness somehow. And the only way I know how is to cry, just like everyone else here. But I can’t. And part of me won’t.

My mother and I walked over to a crowd of people who were all wearing black. Most were crying, but I just stood there motionless. My eyes glanced over at the casket and a small rush of coolness sent shivers throughout my whole body. It looked like it was about to rain, but for some reason, I knew that the temperature of the air wasn’t the reason I was cold.

“We’re here to honor and cherish someone who we all knew and loved. Evan Calum was an extremely intelligent boy who loved playing sports and spending time with his friends. He was bright, and charming and not one person didn’t treasure every moment they had with him. Evan was an astonishing person and we will always carry him in our hearts.”

I looked down at my hands that were compulsively shaking and I tried my best to calm down. It felt like all of my blood was rushing through my body and I began to shiver more than I was before. My mom looked over at me and rested her hand on my arm.

“Honey, are you okay?” She asked, concerned.

“Fine. I’m fine,” I retorted and converted my attention back to the priest who was now speaking Bible verses. I thought it was kind of pointless because a mere two days before his death, Evan told me that he didn’t believe in God. And right now, I really wish he had.
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Evan slowly traced his fingers to create imaginary circles along my back. I let out a small sigh of contentment as he leaned down and kissed the top of my head.

“Have you ever seen someone and knew that they’d have a huge impact on your life forever? That no matter what you did or what happened in your life, they’d always be there, with you?” He asked and lay down by me. I turned my gaze over towards him and gave out a warming smile.

“Are you trying to be romantic?” I asked.

“Are you trying to ruin the moment?” Evan asked. I smiled and kissed his lips softly.

“I tend to do that a lot,” I replied.

“And for some reason, I love it every time you do.”
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I slowly walked towards the casket with a single red rose in my hand. My throat closed up and I felt that I couldn’t breathe once again. I began to get dizzy but I felt someone’s arm slip around my waist, letting me regain my balance. I looked up to see my best friend, Dee, and gave out a very small smile.

“Go talk to him Jill,” She whispered and squeezed my hand with hers.

I nodded and gulped while looking down at the casket. I kneeled down and placed the rose on it and felt a few rain drops fall onto my head and onto the casket. I took a deep breath and bit my lip hard.

“Hi, Evan,” I whispered. “I...I miss you.”