The Day You Fell Apart

When I awoke the next day in the early afternoon, I felt undeniably different. I couldn’t necessarily put my finger onto how I did, or what it felt like, but I knew that I felt different. I felt more secure, and more myself than I have ever felt in my life. When I got up out of my bed and walked towards my mirror, I didn’t see a girl with plain eyes that hid any emotion, I saw someone who had finally come to terms with everything in her life. I’ve come to terms with the fact that Evan was gone. I still feel that the whole thing was my fault, but I’m finally able to say that there’s nothing I can do. If I could go back in the past and change everything, I would. But I can’t and part of me was kind of uncertain on what would happen if I did. If Evan were to come back right now, would he tell me he still loved me and would he tell me that he was sorry for not coming back to me the night of his death? I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things, and that’s expectant for me, because I am still only seventeen years old. I can’t understand everything. And some things aren’t meant to be understood. There are so many questions that are still unanswered about his death. But I just want to close the book and realize that, just like my mother said to me on the day of his funeral, that he would want me to be happy.

I’m not sure if he would have wanted me to fall in love with another guy though because that’s what I did.

I continued to stare at my reflection and bit down on my lip.

“I love Jonah,” I stated, mainly to myself. A small smile curved up at the tip of my lips as I repeated that statement again. “I love Jonah.” It felt right, and it felt amazing. I never thought I would be able to feel this way about another person, but I do. And I’m excited to tell him that I do.

I slowly got dressed and tried my best to look presentable before walking downstairs. I headed to the kitchen and saw my mother and father having breakfast at the table. My father wasn’t usually home that much. He was a lawyer and was usually out seeing or defending his clients, but when he was home, he always tried his best to be the best he could to me, and I could never blame him for that. But sometimes I would see him and would not see myself in him at all. I can see myself in my mother, but I think that’s because she has been there for me through so much, and I know that as much as my father has tried, he could never fully understand me. Mainly because he hasn’t really taken enough time to try.

“Hello,” I said while heading towards the refrigerator. My mother and father both stopped their conversation, looked up at me and smiled. After grabbing a bag of grapes, I walked over towards the table and sat down to face both of them.

“Hey you,” My father replied. I looked up at him as he smiled in return. My father was always friendly, no matter what. There wasn’t much of a time when I saw him upset, unless he was hiding it from me. I think my parents hid a lot of things from me as I grew up, and probably still do now. I haven’t once seen them argue or be hostile towards one another, but I knew that marriages weren’t always perfect and people didn’t always agree. So, I would sometimes just sit and wonder if they just didn’t tell anything to me. It’s just like how my mother felt about me changing, and her losing me. She never once inquired about anything of the sort, but yet she was still feeling it. When it finally came out, I was stunned. I just wasn’t expecting it. We haven’t really talked about it since, but I would still try to sit down and have conversations with her as much as I can, and I think that was clearing the tension a little bit.

Although parents are somewhat annoying, and they tend to pry on your personal life, they are still your parents. And as I sat down at the dining table and had a normal conversation with mine, I realized that I wouldn’t really be who I am without them. As much as I pushed them away the past year, I was finally mature enough to realize that pushing them away wasn’t making anything better. It was making things worse for all of us. But now, I was able to open back up to them. And I was finally able to be the daughter that I used to be.

My phone that was clung to my hand by instinct rang loudly, which interrupted our conversation. I quickly opened it up and saw that Jonah was calling. I smiled and sat up in my chair.

“I’ll be back,” I said to my parents. They just nodded absentmindedly and went back to their conversation why I walked out into my living room to answer the call. “Hello?” I asked.

“What are you doing?” Jonah asked in a huff.

“I’m currently in my living room, standing here,” I replied. “Are you okay?” I added when I heard Jonah breath heavily into the phone as if he running a freaking mile.

“Can you come over? Like, in the next ten minutes?” He asked.

“Um, sure,” I replied while walking up the stairs back up to my room.

“Good. Dress nice,” He said and hung up before I could say anything else. I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion as I just stared at my phone. What does he mean dress nice? Was he taking me somewhere? Was this planned? Well, it obviously wasn’t planned due to the fact that Jonah sounded like he was having a mini heart attack.

I didn’t really quite know what was wrong, but I pushed all my anxiety to the back of my head and ran to my closet to try to find something to wear.

I got out of my car and walked up the path to Jonah’s house clad in a short royal blue strapless dress with a large black belt wrapping around my mid stomach. I was wearing black heels and my hair was down and straight. I was a little bit worried about being overdressed, but I didn’t really care, because I’d way rather be overdressed than under.

I knocked on Jonah’s door and it immediately swung open to reveal Heidi wearing a very short, yet gorgeous yellow dress with black heels that looked pretty much identical to mine.

“You look great, Jill!” She huffed. She obviously looked like she was just as much in a hurry as Jonah sounded over the phone.

“Thanks,” I replied hesitantly before stepping inside. “May I ask why I’m dressed like this?” I asked and let out a small laugh.

“My insane mother decided that it’d be a great time to have a wedding,” Heidi replied. “Apparently she has been planning it for about four months, but she never once thought about letting us know. She claimed that she was too busy ‘planning’ the wedding to think about inviting people. Apparently inviting people was her boyfriend, or fiancé I guess, Robert’s job. Robert and Jonah don’t really get along, and Robert’s not too keen on me either, so I don’t blame him for ‘accidentally’ forgetting to invite us.”

I nodded slowly before Heidi rolled her eyes and stomped her foot on the ground impatiently.

“Jonah, hurry your ass up! Stop trying to beautify yourself because it’s just not going to work!” She yelled. I laughed a little before she rolled her eyes and walked over to where Jonah’s room was. I just remained in the doorway until Jonah came out wearing a white button up shirt, a black tie, black jeans and black shoes. “You look like you’re going to be catering the wedding.” Heidi muttered disapprovingly at Jonah.

“I’m wearing jeans. People in jeans don’t cater weddings. So screw you,” Jonah replied and walked past his sister to give me a hug. “Hi.” He whispered into my ear. I said hi back before he smiled and grabbed my hand to lead me out of the front door and towards I’m guessing was his sister’s car. She got in the front while Jonah and I went into the backseat. “I’m sorry this is so last minute.” Jonah stated as Heidi sped through the neighborhood and onto the freeway.

“Think nothing of it,” I replied. “I’m actually kind of excited. I’ve never been to a wedding before.”

Jonah smiled and rested one of his hands on my thigh before leaning over to whisper in my ear. “You look amazing, by the way,” He remarked. My breathing became shallow and I realized right then and there that he really needed to stop whispering in my ear like this or else I was going to go insane. Jonah obviously didn’t notice because he just kissed my temple and sat back in his seat.

Once we arrived at the wedding about three hours later, I immediately became self conscious. I then realized that I was going to be meeting his mother, and probably some of his other relatives, and I probably looked like crap. I didn’t even have time to put that much make up on, and my hair was beginning to get flat. I looked over at Jonah who just looked cool and unfazed like always. The sleeves of his button upped shirt were now folded up to his elbows, and his tie was loose around his neck. His mop of hair was messy like always and his eyelids looked a bit heavy, as if he was going to fall asleep. I didn’t quite know if he was really unconcerned with the fact that his mom is about to marry a man that he doesn’t like, or if he was just acting like he didn’t. Jonah, once again, was a big mystery, and I couldn’t figure him out. And I was very afraid that I might not ever be able to.

Jonah grabbed my hand and led me to go sit down with him on some chairs that were set up on gorgeous bright green grass. There was an aisle set up in the middle, separating the chairs into two groups, and the aisle led up to a gazebo where the altar was set up. A man was standing by it, which I’m guessing was Robert.

Heidi sat on the other side of Jonah and fidgeted with her nails as Jonah just sat there with his knees bouncing up and down slightly. He was nervous. I could tell. And the fact that I could made me feel a little bit better about mine and his relationship.

I leaned myself against Jonah as soft music began playing through the speakers. A set of bridesmaids with groomsmen began walking down the aisle slowly and I began to wonder why Heidi wasn’t one of her mother’s bridesmaids. I mean, she is her daughter.

‘Here Comes the Bride’ then began playing and a beautiful woman with black hair began walking down the aisle. She was beaming and smiling at the man who stood at the altar, who was smiling right back. She turned her attention towards the guests, made eye contact with her two children and smiled. Heidi and Jonah turned the sides of their mouths upwards, but you could tell that they weren’t really that thrilled. I honestly wondered why. Why did both of them have this kind of rift with their mother? Why did Jonah move away from his mother to move in with his dad? What happened with him and his mother to make him move all the way to Minnesota to Wisconson? All of these questions badgered me throughout the whole ceremony.

After the ceremony was over, Jonah’s mom was whisked away for pictures and we were all seated at tables underneath a large white reception tent. Jonah and Heidi had been pretty silent the whole time, but Jonah continued to keep his hand in mine.

“I can’t believe she totally forgot to invite us,” Heidi muttered while playing with an obnoxious favor that they placed on each plate that was before us. By now it was getting a little bit dark, and everyone was already at the bar having a good ol’ time.

“Jonah. Heidi!” I heard someone say behind us. The bride herself came running up to our table while Jonah and Heidi both stood up and hugged their mother. She smiled while embracing them and then smoothed down her dress afterwards.

“You look beautiful, mom,” Heidi stated while her mother just beamed even more. Usually, I’d cringe at how happy this woman was, but I couldn't really blame her, I mean, she just got married.

“Thank you darling,” Their mother replied. “Jonah, look at you all dressed up for the occasion. You look handsome, sweetie. And who is this?” She asked while looking at me. I stood up immediately and stuck my hand out nervously.

“I’m Jillianne,” I remarked while she shook my hand and grinned.

“Is this your girlfriend, Jonah?” She asked as her hand was still in my own.

“Yes,” Jonah replied uneasily while looking down at the ground. I almost ‘aw’ed at him, but was beat to it by his own mother.

“Awh, how sweet!” She cooed. “She’s beautiful, Jonah. Great pick. And you know, darling,” She added while stepping close to me, “Jonah hasn’t had too many girlfriends. So there must be something about you that is different than all the rest.”

She then slowly stepped away to greet others while I kind of stood there in shock. I don’t know, I usually just made assumptions that Jonah was quite the ladies man, and to hear that he hasn’t had too many girlfriends was just surprising to me. I immediately turned to look at Jonah and wrapped my arms around his neck to pull him into a kiss. He seemed surprised by it but he immediately grabbed both sides of my hips to pull me closer to him in return. I heard Heidi scoff and walk off, probably to the bar, but I stayed where I was with Jonah. He finally pulled away, but kept his hands on my hips. Our bodies were extremely close and I bet if anyone were to walk by, they would think of us as some lustful teenagers, but I don’t think either of us noticed. I knew that this would be the perfect time to tell Jonah that I loved him back. He hadn’t mentioned anything about last night when he said it to me, but I think it was mainly because he probably didn’t want to pressure me into saying it back, which I definitely respected him for. I love him. I do. And just as I was about to say it, I was interrupted by the microphone screeching loudly. I stepped back a little from Jonah and turned to see some random DJ raising his hands in the air.

“Alright everyone! In honor to the bride and groom, let’s all watch their first dance as Mr. and Mrs. Sullerton.”

Everyone clapped as Jonah and I joined in with them. Heidi was nowhere in sight as their mom and Robert approached the dance floor. Jonah’s mother placed her hands on Robert’s shoulder’s as he placed his hands on her lower back. They began dancing to Louis Armstrong’s ‘What a Wonderful World.’

After half of the song, the DJ announced that anyone else who would like to join in the dancing, could, and soon enough, couples began to flock towards the dancefloor. I looked over at Jonah who just grinned sheepishly and reached out his hand to help me up. He led me to the dance floor while I smiled and once again wrapped my arms around his neck as he placed his hands on my lower back. I began running my fingers through his hair while he looked down at me. I then leaned my head against his chest as we swayed along with the song.

“You really do look beautiful tonight, Jill,” Jonah remarked. “Thank you so much for coming.”

I glanced up at Jonah and smiled while shaking my head, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Jonah leaned down and placed his lips on mine again and pulled me even closer. Once he pulled away, he kissed my forehead and then my nose and then brushed some of my bangs out of my face.

“So you haven't had many girlfriends, huh?" I asked while Jonah just shrugged indifferently.

"Did you assume that I did?" He asked while we moved side to side with the music.

"Well, yeah," I replied honestly. "I've seen you flirt with girls and I just thought-"

"Tsk, tsk. Once again you judged me?" He asked while I frowned.

"I wish I didn't have to," I muttered. "I just wish I knew more about you. You hide everything from me and it makes me feel like I don't even matter enough to have you tell me things." I added. Jonah stopped dancing and lifted my chin up with his hands so he could meet his eyes with my own. I bit my lip before moving my head and looking back down. Jonah pulled me close and leaned in to whisper in my ear again. But instead of telling me his deepest darkest secrets, all he said was:

"I'm so sorry, Jill."

I frowned and bit down on my lip, "I just know that you're keeping things from me." I replied while stepping away a little until neither of us were touching one another. "I'm just so sick of secrets, and I'm so sick of not knowing anything about you, Jonah. Why did you move? What happened between you and Robert to make him not want to invite you? Why do you always try to convert the conversation whenever I try to get any information out of you? I love you Jonah. But I can't love a ghost. I can't love someone that I don't know anything about."

Jonah rubbed his forehead and groaned. I just don't understand why he can't tell me what is going on in his life. I'm his girlfriend. Shouldn't he tell me everything? I was so in the gray to the point where I realized that I don't even know the guy that is standing in front of me. I love someone that I know absolutely nothing about.

"I need to go," I muttered before stepping off of the dance floor and away from Jonah.