The Day You Fell Apart

11 months and 3 weeks later

“Jill, it’s senior ditch day, you have to ditch.”

“We’re not even seniors!” I replied and stood up from my bed. I grabbed a shirt and quickly hung it up in my closet before Dee lifted her arms up in exasperation.

“So!? Juniors that are actually liked by seniors are allowed to go. We both got invited,” She retorted. “J, the past year has been hard. It’s time to get out and have fun. You need to have fun. Seriously all I’ve seen you do lately is just sit at home and study.”

“It’s not my fault that I want to go to college,” I replied and shrugged. Dee pushed her blonde hair out of her face and folded her arms in front of her chest.

“You’re going,” She stated firmly.

“I’m not going,” I replied.

“Ugh, come on, Jill! A chill party in the middle of the woods with a lot of people, a lot of music, a lot of boys… am I persuading you enough yet?”

“Nope,” I replied.

“You are probably the most difficult person I know,” Dee remarked angrily but then sighed heavily. “Well, if you change your mind, just call me and let me know. Everyone is going to meet up around 5 o’clock.”

“Wait, 5 o’clock?” I asked. “What’s the point of meeting on senior ditch day after school hours? Don’t you think that’s kind of pointless?”

“You ask too many questions, Jill,” Dee replied exasperatedly. “Plus, it wouldn’t be fun if it wasn’t at night.” She added and walked towards my bedroom door. She grabbed the doorknob but then turned to face me while biting her lip. I raised my eyebrows at her and rested a hand on my hip.

“Anything else you’d like to say?” I asked and she laughed awkwardly while still clutching the doorknob.

“Well… you do still know what today is, right?” She asked.

I sucked in my breath and fidgeted nervously with the random shirt I had in my hands that I was planning on moving to the closet.

“Um, yeah, i-it’s Friday, duh,” I replied and tried my best to fake a smile. Dee tilted her mouth to the side before nodding and leaving my room.

The sad thing is, is that I know exactly what today is. Today is the year anniversary of Evan. The year anniversary of the day that I have been trying to stuff into the back of my mind the hardest I could.

In one year, I haven’t talked about him, I haven’t visited his grave, and I wish I could say I haven’t thought about him. But I think about him every day. And every day I beat myself up over everything that happened. But no one would even know that I do.

Everyone thinks that I have moved on. That I have finally come to peace with the fact that he’s gone. But I haven’t. Going through each day gets harder and harder and the more I try to convince myself that I can move on, I can’t, because that’d be like trying to convince yourself that you aren’t a human. You can’t. You are one, and you just have to deal with it. I can pretend that I’m fine with everything, but I know deep down inside that I am not. I haven’t dated one guy. I haven’t kissed another guy. I haven’t even looked at any other guy. Dee has been through two boyfriends in the past year, and I have been through zero. I’m sure she notices how uninterested I am in all the guys we’ve met, but she just doesn’t say anything. That’s what I love about her. She knows when to say something, and when to leave things alone. She hasn’t tried to pry into my head to find out why I’m doing the things that I’m doing. She accepts that I am different than her and that I don’t respond to things in the same ways as she does.

She’s visited Evan at the Warnerstone Cemetery, but she never asked me to come.

I think the main reason why she hasn’t is because she knows that I’d say no.

I don’t need to go back and be reminded about what happened. I need to look straight forward and ignore the past because the past is behind you and your future is ahead of you. There is no point looking back because it’s not like you can change anything, no matter how much you want to. But still, I feel like the past is just hovering over my shoulder every single day of my life. And I can’t even stop it. I try my best to just shake that feeling and move on. I’ve been working on things that are important. Not going out with a bunch of seniors and getting drunk in the middle of the woods. Not to be all prudish, but that’s just not my idea of a good time. But I couldn’t stop thinking that I just let my best friend down. I’m always turning down ideas. I’m always saying ‘no thanks’ to everything she suggests, and I know it hurts her, but she doesn’t say anything. She just grumbles, but then finds another friend to go with.

I should be the friend who went with her when she wanted to go shopping, or when she wanted me to meet the new guy she was seeing. I should be the friend who enjoys going to parties with her and living the ‘high school experience’.

I’ve kind of been abandoning her. But it’ll all stop now.

I quickly darted towards my cell phone that was lying on my dresser and picked it up. I immediately dialed her number and bit my lip.

Before she could even get a word in I spoke up.

“I want to go,” I said quickly.

Dee laughed on the other end and I could easily see her standing there smiling.

“It took you long enough Jill, it took you long enough.”

“Wow, I totally regret coming,” I muttered as Dee parked her car and led us deeper into some random woods by my school. I heard some guitars being played from far away and I wanted to just turn back and pretend that I even tried to be a regular teenager.

“Oh please,” Dee replied. “We’re not even there yet!”

“But I know what to expect,” I whimpered. Dee just rolled her eyes and continued to walk in front of me to lead me to where everyone was. I stuffed my hands in my jean pockets and looked down at my black flats that I put on and immediately regretted ever deciding to wear them. The shoes were so thin that I could feel every stick and rock that I stepped on, and it hurt. A lot.

Suddenly people came into view and I saw a few trucks parked that some were sitting in. I honestly have no idea how they got those trucks through these woods, but that question was immediately pushed out of my mind when I realized how many people were there. Probably about 60 seniors and some juniors. All just standing around and chatting. A group of boys and a couple of girls were playing guitar and one boy was banging on the bongos. His eyes were totally glazed over and he was smiling like some maniac. He was obviously stoned, and was definitely enjoying it.

“Well, I didn’t think you’d be taking me to an orgy,” I stated and Dee just laughed.

“You’re such a negative Nancy, Jill,” Dee replied while nudging my shoulder. She then looked over to her left where some people were calling her name.

“Hey!” She yelled towards the people and then turned towards me. “Do you want to come with me to say hi?” She asked.

“Oh no, no, go ahead. I’ll stay here,” I urged and she gave me one more concerned look before nodding, obviously knowing that I wasn’t much of a social butterfly.

“Alright, it’ll seriously be like two seconds. They’re just some people in my pre-calc class,” She said and began to walk off towards them.

I nodded, sat down on a rock and began to observe the people here. I recognized a few juniors, but most were seniors. I converted my attention over towards the group of guys and girls who were all jamming at guitar and singing. They all looked like they were having a really good time. Unlike me.

I scanned through most of the people until my eyes landed on one boy. He had long dark brown hair that slightly curled at the ends and a cigarette was hanging out of his mouth. He was moving his fingers along the guitar but stopped to inhale his cigarette and then blow smoke out. He placed his guitar to the side once he saw another guy approaching him and gave the guy one of those ‘man hugs’. He would just nod and smile while conversing and seemed to be pretty into the conversation.

He then dropped his cigarette on the ground and stepped on it hard, swiveled his foot on it and then looked back up at the guy he was talking to.

I couldn’t help but be weirdly fascinated by him. He was so graceful, in a weird, grungy kind of way. Everything he did looked so natural. The way he moved, and the way he talked. He looked like the epitome of ‘cool’. He had on a white T shirt with tight black jeans and what looked like some form of boots on under them. His dark brown eyes were glistening as he talked to the other guy as if he hadn’t seen him in years.

I just continued to stare and continued to grow more and more jealous of this boy. I used to be like that. I used to laugh and smile and hang out with people. But now I locked myself into a little anti-social bubble. And it sucks, more than anything.

I continued to watch him until he suddenly stopped and turned his gaze towards me. I immediately looked down and fumbled with my hands, but quickly raised my eyes upward to watch him again. I saw him nod to his friend before slowly making his way over in my direction. I felt my throat close up a little and tried my best to look like I wasn’t watching him glide over towards me. I know he caught me staring at him and I know he probably thinks I’m some loser girl who sits by herself at parties.

I finally looked straight forward and pretty soon he was a mere two feet away from me, but instead of stopping and talking to me, he turned and started talking to another group of people who were right to the side of me.

Wow, cool. I just had this whole fantasy about how this random boy actually wanted to talk to me, only to find out that it wasn’t that way at all.

I really need a life.

I heard someone approach me, but my eyes were still stuck on the boy.

“Sorry it took so long,” Dee stated while looking down at me. “Who are you staring at?” She asked.

I finally snapped out of my gaze, looked up at her and smiled.

“Oh,” I replied quickly. “No one.”