The Day You Fell Apart

Silence. Sometimes it can be the most unnerving thing in the world, and sometimes it can be the most calming, and peaceful thing you can ever encounter. When silence had overtaken Jonah and I, after what seemed like hours and hours of emotional trauma for the both of us, it had only been just a mere few minutes. But now, sitting in silence with Katie, the one person who I had sworn to hate for the rest of my life, I didn’t feel like I needed to say anything. I didn't need to cry or scream, or fight any longer. I knew that this is where both of us needed to be, and that this whole day was supposed to happen a long time ago. Before I had fallen in love with Jonah, before I had closed myself off from the world, before I had become someone I could have barely even recognized.

“I think moving away was probably the most irresponsible things I could have done,” Katie finally said after long moments of silence. I just shrugged in return and kept my eyes downward, staring at my feet which were tracing thick lines in the sand. “I feel like, even now, that I should turn myself in. Maybe it’d let me sleep at night. Maybe it’d make me feel like every day I wasn’t living a lie.”

Katie turned to look at me, hoping I'd say something, anything. I just stood up, and looked down at her.

“Honestly Katie, I’m done. With everything. With the past. With the fact that if I had only kept Evan at my house, none of this would be happening. I’m done thinking of that one day, that one day where everything changed. The day that I fell apart," I stopped for a second and looked over towards the innocent children playing on the playground with their parents. The rain had stopped an hour ago, and the bright sun was now reflecting off of the children's faces. I turned back towards Katie to speak again. "My family didn’t recognize me, my friends didn’t know what to do with me, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’m done with the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘I could haves’. Right now, all I want is to sleep, and try my best to learn how to forgive. You can do whatever you think is best for your conscience or for your heart, but right now, I need to learn to pick up my own heart. I don’t blame you anymore. I don’t blame myself. I blame fate, and I blame this world, and how cruel it can be to such a great person.”

I stuffed my hands in my pockets, turned on my heel, and began walking away, trying my best to convince myself that I was walking away from my past.

Once I approached the all familiar door of my own home, I felt a sense of relief. And once I saw my mother open the door, see what a wreck I was, and pull me into a hug, I felt loved. I didn’t realize until that one moment in time, how much I needed her. Ever since I was young, she was all that I needed. My father was never around, but it never bothered me because I always had her. And I think that that gave her some sense of security and importance. So when I took that away from her after Evan’s death, I never realized what an impact that had on her. Out of everyone I had hurt, I had hurt her the most.

I pulled away from my mom’s hug, and she stroked my hair gently.

“Tell me everything,” She said.

After what seemed like hours of conversation and exhaustion, I was laying on our couch in our living room, staring up at the ceiling. I was just about to drift off to sleep when my doorbell rang. I walked up to the door lazily, and opened it to see Dee standing there, worried.

“Are you alright?” She asked. “You haven’t been answering your phone or anything.”

I smiled faintly and pulled my best friend for my whole life into the same type of hug my mother had pulled me in a few moments before. Dee tensed in return, but then quickly eased and hugged me back.

“Thank you,” I said.

“I don’t even know what you’re thanking me for, but you’re welcome,” Dee replied. She then stepped back and closed the door behind her. We both smiled and walked into my kitchen where my mother was making dinner. I was just about to say something, but I was interrupted by another ringing of my doorbell.

“I’ll get it,” I muttered. I turned around and walked to my door, swung it open, and felt the earth fall on my shoulders again. Jonah stood there, biting his lip anxiously.

“Don’t shut the door,” Jonah stated.

“I wasn’t planning to,” I replied honestly. Jonah took a deep breath and looked behind him. I scrunched my eyebrows and looked over his shoulder to see a police officer leaning against his patrol car which was parked on my street, with a grim expression on his face. “What’s going on?” I asked.

“I need to do what I’ve been needing to do for over a year,” Jonah replied. “But what needs to be concluded to this is your somewhat forgiveness. I need to know that you don’t hate me.”

“You know I can’t hate you,” I replied. “Trust me, I’ve tried.”

Jonah shook his head and reached forward to touch my face with the tips of his fingers.

“I’m going away for a while. I don’t know how long, and I don’t know where. But I know that this is what needs to be done. All I want you to know is that I love you and I always will and I don’t blame you if you don’t love me anymore. But you need to know that I’ll never stop loving you. As much as it is wrong, and as much as it shows what a bad person I am, it’s still true. If you ever need someone to blame for what happened to Evan, blame it on me, don’t ever ever blame it on yourself. It was never your fault.”

“I don’t think there really is one person to blame for what happened,” I responded. “So many people contributed to that night, and I’m done thinking of the one person who was the most responsible for it. I’m ready to move on.”

Jonah nodded, stepped forward, and leaned his head towards mine. I let him kiss me, for what seemed would be the last time.

“Don’t forget about me,” Jonah said quietly.

“I don’t think I ever can,” I replied. Jonah nodded, took two steps backwards, and then walked back towards the policeman. The policeman placed Jonah into the backseat of his car, walked over to the driver’s side, got in, and drove off.

I slumped against my door frame, and took a deep breath.

What will happen now, I have no idea. What will happen in the future, I also don't know. But all I know now is that this is it. This is when I'll finally learn that in order to be happy, I need to forgive. I know that I can never forget. But I also know that in order to move on, I need to accept what happened in the past. I need to accept myself, and I need to realize that everything happens for a reason. I'll find myself one day, even if that means being alone.