The Day You Fell Apart

Hearing things and actually listening to them are two completely different things. Someone can tell you something, but it’s your decision whether or not you are going to actually listen to them or not. People give you advice, and you can either nod your head 'yes' and pretend you’re listening, or actually take the advice into stride.

I hated that. I hated that I would always hear what people told me, but I would never really listen or understand, and to this day I still can’t understand. I feel so changed, and so unbelievably different that it makes me not want to even be myself anymore. I don’t want to be Jill. I just want to wake up one morning, being someone completely different, and just start all over.

No past, no guilt, just the future and what you make of it.

God, I wish I had that.

I slowly trudged down the stairs, still wearing some loose pajama bottoms and a random tank top. My hair was probably sticking up in all places, but I didn’t really care. My main goal was to just go into the kitchen and eat some cereal. Preferably Cocoa Puffs.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my mother sitting on a tall chair. Her arms were firmly rested on the counter in front of her and she was just staring attentively at it.

“Good morning,” I mumbled. My mother looked up from her daze and smiled faintly. Her dark brown curls were resting above her shoulder and her big green eyes looked in my direction. I had to admit, my mother was beautiful. She had tanned skin that seemed so perfect that a seven year old could have owned it. Her lips were full and her eyelashes were long. She usually radiated beauty, but today she wasn’t radiating. She looked flustered and distressed as if a thought had been taking capture of her mind for quite some time now and she didn’t know how to deal with it.

I knew the feeling.

“Hi, honey,” She replied. I opened the refrigerator, grabbed some milk, closed it and then turned back towards her. I raised an eyebrow at her and cocked my head to the side.

“Are you okay?” I asked. My mom looked up at me and just stared at me for a few seconds. She took a deep breath and fidgeted with her hands.

"Jillianne, remember when we got you a swing set for the backyard?" My mother asked I just shrugged, wondering why this was relevant. “I... I remember when you were young; you always wanted a swing set. You always said that swinging on the swing was more fun than anything, and you wanted to have that fun in the convenience of your own backyard. So, after you begged us for days on end, your father and I bought you one, and you were ecstatic. We couldn’t get you off the thing. You would invite Dee over every day and you two would just swing on the swing set and see who could go the highest, until one day you went too high and fell off. Dee ran inside and told me what happened and you ended up having a sprained ankle. I remember the first words you said to me afterwards were ‘I’m never going on that swing set again’… and you didn’t,” My mom took a deep breath while I just looked at her confusedly. “Jillianne, whenever you had made a promise to yourself, or when you convince yourself that you’re not going to do something, you don’t. Jill, you change the dynamics of your life to base it on that one goal.”

I slowly walked over to the cabinets and grabbed a bowl and set it on the counter in front of her. “I don’t really get what you’re trying to say,” I stated honestly.

“I’m saying that I think I’ve lost you,” My mom replied weakly. Her voice cracked on the ‘you’ and I realized that she was on the brink of crying.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Jill, ever since Evan…” She stopped herself once she saw me slightly cringe at the sound of her saying his name, but she continued. “Ever since Evan died you haven’t dealt with anything in the right way. I begged you to talk to me about it, about what happened, but you refused. I tried taking you to talk to Dr. Olson, but you declined. And now I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.”

I stopped what I was doing and just looked at my mom in shock. She never told me that she was feeling like this. She told me it was my choice whether or not I wanted to go see that stupid shrink, Dr. Olson. I told her I was fine, and she said that it was alright. She never ever acted like anything I did affected her.

“Mom, I… I’m still Jill. I’m still me. You never have to worry about that,” I replied. My mom nodded slowly before taking my hands into hers.

“I’m sorry,” She remarked.

“There’s no need to apologize for how you feel, Mom," I replied softly. “Just know that I’ll always be me, and I’ll always be here.”

My mother nodded again before getting up and leaving the kitchen. I sat down on a chair, took a deep breath and rested my forehead against the cool countertop, thinking about what had just happened.

I didn’t know really know what came over me later that day until I was walking up the path towards a very quaint looking one-story house. After that conversation with my mother, I hadn’t seen her all afternoon, which made me feel even more unsettled. It’s crazy to hear someone’s thoughts about you after a long period of time. I never knew she felt that way, and I had no idea that she was harboring it inside for so long. It made me feel overwhelmed. Why couldn’t I see that I was slowly tearing her apart? Why couldn’t I see that I was blatantly hurting her feelings when I always turned down her advances of ‘mother-daughter bonding time’? So basically, in a nut shell, I’m a shitty ass daughter.

Fantastic.

So, after feeling sorry for myself for a few hours, I picked up the phone and called Dee. I asked her for Brad’s number and then I called him and asked for Jonah’s.

I know, I was surprised with myself that I actually wanted to speak to him too.

I couldn’t really find the nerve to actually call him though. Just the fact that I went through all of that work of chain calling was kind of enough in my mind. So I decided on calling Brad back, and asking for his address instead.

He lived pretty far away in a very small neighborhood with houses that all looked different. Some were small, some were large, some were yellow and some were blue (which I both think are disgusting colors to paint a house). I liked that he lived in a different setting than everyone else though; it made him seem more unique, unlike me who has lived in suburbia all her life.

After sitting in the car and debating with myself for about 5 minutes, I finally decided to get the guts to walk towards his house.

And now this is where I am, my fist just hanging in the air contemplating whether or not it’s going to knock on the door or not.

Finally, my fist collided with the door and I heard some shuffling behind it before seeing the door swing open. There was Jonah with his hair disheveled like always. He was wearing a plain black shirt with tight gray jeans and no shoes. His eyes widened when he saw me and he immediately cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Hi?” He asked with his hand still on the doorknob. I closed my eyes and raised my hand to my forehead.

“Um, I… I honestly have no idea why I am here. I am just going to leave now,” I replied and quickly turned around to head back towards my car but Jonah ran after me and grabbed my wrist to spin me around.

“You’re just going to come all the way over here and not even tell me why you’re here?” He asked.

“That’s the thing; I don’t even know why I’m here,” I stated. Jonah furrowed his eyebrows before nodding at me like I had three heads.

“Okay, well why you are here, do you want some lemonade? I just made some,” He asked. I just stared at him for a few seconds before bursting into laughter. Jonah just stood there awkwardly while scratching the side of his neck.

“Sorry, sorry. I just, you, making lemonade… I just never really imagined you making something like that, that’s all.”

“What are you trying to say?” Jonah asked with a faint smile on his face.

“Nothing, nothing,” I replied. “Lemonade sounds lovely.” I immediately stopped myself once I realized that I actually said ‘Lemonade sounds lovely’. Like, what seventeen year old teenager says lovely? Honestly?

Jonah apparently didn’t catch on because he immediately walked back towards his house while I just followed him. Once I stepped inside, a cool rush fell upon me. Probably because of the fact that the air conditioning was on, but it still felt really nice. I walked down the hallway, passing a cute living room with a huge television in it, and was brought to the kitchen.

Jonah walked over towards a large lemonade pitcher and poured us two cups. I had to admit, knowing that he made his own fresh squeezed lemonade was kind of cute. Okay, it was really cute. It was just weird because Jonah seemed like such a grungy looking bad boy, and I didn’t think that he’d ever do something that didn’t involve smoking, playing guitar or hooking up with girls.

Jonah handed me a glass and quickly grabbed his before sitting down at his dining room table. I followed him and sat down at the end, while he sat down at a side chair to the left of me.

“Are you sure you’re not going to dump this on me?” Jonah asked. I laughed and shook my head, remembering that last encounter both of us had with lemonade.

“If you’re not a jerk, probably not,” I replied. Jonah nodded while leaning back in his chair and resting his hands behind his head.

“Are you here to apologize?” He asked. I just rolled my eyes and fiddled with one of my hemp bracelets on my wrists.

“I actually, sort of, think I am,” I replied. Jonah raised his eyebrows in what looked like shock before leaning forward so his chair was evenly on the ground.

“Seriously?” He asked.

“Yeah, seriously. I... I don’t really know what to apologize for, since you were kind of a douchebag. But I just want to say that maybe you were right about me. And I was being a hypocrite by telling you not to judge me, when I did it to you like, two seconds later. So, I’m sorry for that.”

“Well, I guess I’m sorry too for being a dick. I tend to be sometimes,” He replied.

“Yeah, you really do,” I remarked. Jonah smiled before getting up and placing his glass in the sink. “So, can you let me know what’s really behind the mystery of Jonah? That way I’ll actually know something about you?”

Jonah leaned the side of his body against the counter and looked over towards me. “Um… I’m eighteen years old. I’ve graduated. And my last name is Simms,” He responded.

“That’s it?” I asked.

“No, but that’s all I really want to tell at this moment,” He replied and shrugged. He then sat back down at his seat and we just looked at each other for a second. It was pure silence and all I could hear is a clock ticking from the living room.

“You suck,” I retorted. Jonah just smirked and looked down at his hands. “Where are your parents?” I asked.

“Far from here,” He replied.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“My mom lives in Minnesota with her boyfriend, and my father is gone on some type of business trip. I don’t know, he doesn’t really tell me much about what he does or where he goes. So, I’m just here with my older sister who is currently at work,” He replied. I just nodded slowly and gave out a faint smile. I got Jonah to tell me something about himself! I know that sounds lame that I’m actually excited about something like that. But I am.

“How did you find out about Evan?” I asked. Jonah jerked his head up at me, causing his hair to fall into his face a little, but he pushed it back with one of his hands. I was surprised that I was actually talking to someone about Evan. I normally don’t. Not even to Dee.

“What do you mean?” He asked. He sounded a little bit on edge with his answer, but it was probably just me overanalyzing.

“Well, I mean, how did you hear about it?” I asked. “You said you just moved here a couple of months ago, and it happened a year ago, and I want to know how you found out.”

Jonah bit his lip a little and rested the palms of his hands against the kitchen table. “When you came to that senior ditch day party, people were talking about you. Most were surprised that you showed up, because apparently you’re not quite the party person. I asked why they were surprised and a girl told me that your boyfriend died a year ago. When I saw you walk off, I just decided to come talk to you. Just to see what you were like, I guess. I wanted to see the girl behind all the whispering.”

“Well that’s nice to know that everyone still talks about it,” I replied sarcastically. “I honestly would just rather have everyone leave me alone. It’s my past, not there’s. Nobody’s actually concerned about me, I’m just something they can talk about.”

“I’m concerned about you,” Jonah replied. I looked up at Jonah but he just averted his eyes everywhere but to mine.

“Why?” I asked. “I mean, you barely know me, and most of our encounters haven’t been too friendly. Why would you be concerned about me?”

“Because, I have a little thing for you,” Jonah replied honestly and shrugged. I was a little taken back by his ridiculously blunt statement but I tried my best to keep my composure calm and collected. Just like his was. But inside I was actually freaking out. No boy has ever had interest in me for so long, so to hear someone say that made me feel a little bit sick to my stomach. Jonah had said it so coolly, like telling someone that you had a thing for them wasn’t that big of a deal.

“Um, what?” I asked.

“Don’t even pretend that you don’t have a thing for me too,” Jonah remarked. My whole body felt like it was on fire as I just stared at Jonah, still as shocked as ever.

“Why do you think I’d be pretending if I said I didn't?” I asked.

Before I could say anything else, Jonah bravely leaned over the table and pressed his lips against mine. I widened his eyes, but for some reason didn’t pull away. He grabbed both sides of my face and deepened the kiss and I finally closed my eyes and leaned in towards him. He pulled away, but stayed there. His hands were still cupping the side of my face which was inches away from his. I could feel his breath hitting my cheek until he let go and sat back in his chair.

“Because if you didn't,” He replied. “You wouldn’t have kissed me back.”