Play, Rewind, Eject

In all honesty, I could probably write an entire anthology about you and it wouldn’t even begin to scratch the surface of it all. Even your name brings up an array of confused emotions that I usually try to steer clear of. I like to pretend those feelings don’t exist anymore, even though I know it’s not healthy. It’s just easier to ignore it than it is to face it all head-on. I’m scared that if I let myself fall apart again, it’s going to be even harder to pick up the pieces, even harder than it was the last time.

But still, I find myself longing for that catharsis, like this is something I have to do in order to finally get over you. I’ve always found that it’s so much easier to deal with your own pain if it isn’t entirely your own, if you’re able to turn it into someone else’s, or even better, to make something beautiful out of it. A list of songs, a tale of love lost. You permeate through every word and every line, but that hurt is muted, manageable even.

I can’t say that there’s necessarily any rhyme or reason to this mix tape, but there’s something in each of the songs that reminds me of you, of both the good and the bad, the happy and the tragic, everything.

When I hear this song, I always think back to that morning in my car. It was sometime during football season because it was the morning of an away game, and I was on my way to Starbucks to grab a couple of venti lattes, listening to this Third Eye Blind CD when this song came on. It was cold outside, too early on a Saturday morning to function, but something about the line made me think of you.

I guess it was a few weeks or so after Victoria’s birthday, after I found out that you had a girlfriend, because there was still that dull ache, but it wasn’t completely devastating like it had felt at first. I was gonna take you, you know, to Victoria’s party because for some crazy reason, I thought that it was finally the right time for us to be together, but it wasn’t. The timing was never right for us, but hearing this song on that morning made me feel comforted in some way, at peace with the fact that we’d probably never end up together. It was better that way, anyway.

For a moment, things were actually okay. It was the little calm in the center of the storm, the time before everything went to hell.

I guess this is just another song that represents a memory. This time, it’s the bus ride back from Carolina: a game we lost, but then again, it was one we’d expected to lose. It was also the first time I’d seen you since you started dating her. We’d always been good friends, and I’d always kept my distance whenever you had a new girlfriend, but this was the first time I’d ever had my own reasons to stay away. I felt like if I actually spent time with you, you’d see right through me. You’d see all the pain I was trying to hide.

If I would’ve been alone, I probably would’ve broken down, but for the two-hour drive, I was forced to fight back tears because every song on my iPhone reminded me of you. It doesn’t feel like all this happened nearly a year ago, and even now, there are still times when I feel like breaking down because everything reminds me of you.

That was the first time I realized I had feelings for you. I was driving in my car on the way to practice, listening to the new Taylor Swift album, and something just clicked. Suddenly, you were all I could think about.

I’m still not sure what brought about that change. We’d been friends for over two years, and I’d never felt anything for you before, but when I fell for you, damn, I fell hard.

I fell so hard that I’m still struggling to get back up again.

You were the first and the only guy that I’ve ever cried over, and it would seem like, after all we’ve been through, I would’ve run out of tears by now, but they’re still coming.

I don’t blame you for the first few times I cried over you, there was no way you could’ve known I had feelings for you back then, but I do blame you for everything that happened in April, for fucking breaking my heart. You broke my heart, and I’d never felt that kind of pain before. For weeks, I had trouble eating, and I was so afraid to go to sleep because every time I did, I dreamed of you. Going to class was the hardest thing because I had to keep pretending that I was okay when I felt like I could barely function.

But with every day that passed, I began to think about you less and less, and I swore to myself that I would never let a guy break me in that way ever again.

And just when I was beginning to feel okay again, to slowly ease back into my old self, I heard this song and fell apart.

It was a Wednesday morning because I had an 8:30 class, and I was just pulling into the parking lot when this song came on, a track on some mixed CD that I had forgotten about and shoved into the CD player because I was tired of listening to the other CDs I had.

It was a mistake.

If it weren’t for Tennessee, you’d still be here, and you’d be mine.

The tears wouldn’t stop coming, my forehead pressed against the steering wheel and my breath constantly caught like cobwebs in the back of my throat. I cried in my car until I had nothing left to give, then I drove back home and slept for the rest of the day. Totally and completely numb.

It’s true, I tried so hard to get over you. After you broke my heart that first time in April, even though I was still too broken to jump into anything else, I started talking to other people. I found a new boyfriend, a guy who’s head-over-heels crazy for me, but my thoughts always had a way of wandering back to you.

You contacted me again, after three months or so, and at first, I played it off. I ignored it for a few days before I eventually gave in. Then I was so fucking stupid that I thought I could use you the same way you used me, but of course, I ended up getting attached again.

And then you were gone again, a rerun of six months before, another repeat of the Kandi and Christian cycle.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t care about you anymore.

I do.

For three years, you were one of my best friends, and I guess that’s why it hurt so bad when you left because I wasn’t just losing a guy I was in love with, I was also losing my best friend.

It’s not something I really understand or could ever explain, but it’s like you have this hold on me that I can’t escape. Victoria says it’s because you’re a “bad boy,” because you have tattoos and wear your stupid hipster glasses and treat me like shit. I just want what I can’t have, with my daddy issues and everything, but even now, I feel like if we had the chance to be in an actual relationship, it would work out because we got along so well. Being with you was as easy as breathing, we just never had the chance.

You told me you loved me, and while I know it was never the same way that I loved you, I still think that you care about me in your own way.

I’m trying to move on. I’m trying to find my way back to the person I was before because right now, I don’t even know who I am anymore. A part of me will always care about you, and if you ever needed me for whatever reason, I’d be there for you because you were my friend, but I know that I can’t love you anymore.

I wish I could feel about him how I felt about you. Victoria’s the only one I can really talk to about you because she knows how it feels, and she told me I’ll never be able to love him if I’m still hung up on you. He’s an amazing guy, completely out of my league appearance-wise, and he doesn’t play those same mind games that you do. Maybe I’m just not used to being treated well by guys, but he deserves a chance, and I can’t give him that chance unless I let you go.

I should be happy, but I’m not there yet. I’m still trying to find my way in this world.