Don't Count the Miles

The door chimed again, catching Addie’s attention from dozing off. She sat up a little straighter, trying to look as awake and alert as she could. A teenaged kid with short blond hair came through the door, grabbing a basket and heading down the frozen food section. Addie leaned forward at her till, trying to get a peek of the boy who looked so much like her own teenaged lover.

She knew it wasn’t him though, he was away tonight.

“Addie!” A male voice startled her from behind and she whirled around in her stool to see who was talking to her.

Ryan. The goofy brunette that constantly offered to give her a lift home in his shitty car. He was grinning like a madman and his hands were stuffed in his pocket.

“Yeah Ry?” Addie asked, nervously fiddling with her golden ‘London’ necklace.

London was the first one she had ever gotten. It was hers and it had been her first purchase when she moved down to the city to go to school. Now she had necklaces from everywhere. Small golden chains with a tiny cursive name of a city hanging on like a charm. She rarely wore them except when she was home…and that was almost never.

“Are you busy Saturday?”

No. she was never busy.

“No, I’m free.”

“I’m having a party-thing at my flat…you should come by,” Ryan offered.

Addie had called her boyfriend two days ago because she had read Fabulous magazine. Just the same way she read every magazine he was in. Sometime she cut out the pictures because it was the only time she ever had a picture of him. When he was with her it was like a giant secret that no one could ever find out about. And it was. Because he’d said so himself. When he said he was still single and girls were a hassle on the road.

“I’d love too Ryan,” she nodded.

“Do you need a lift today?”

“Sure, that’d be lovely.” She nodded again.

Ryan hurried back to position stocking the shelves, telling another worker of his luck on the way over. Addie was the only girl who worked the night shift, sitting at the automated till all night long while the guys were in the aisles stocking the shelves. They treated her somewhat like she was a Victoria’s Secret model because she was usually the only girl under thirty that they saw all night. She worked five days a week there and two days a week at a pub near campus. She hated both jobs but uni was expensive and living on her own was even worse.

He kept asking her to move in with him. But she kept saying no. No, he only cared when it was convenient for him. Sometimes he went on tour and didn’t call for months. All that ‘princess’ shit his fans wrote about was just that, shit. He didn’t do sweet things like buy flowers or call to say he loved her. Hell, it had been two years and he’d never said he loved her at all.

Addie watched as the blonde kid from earlier, who couldn’t be more than 15, went to one of the self-checkout tills. She felt like she was going to doze off to sleep. She couldn’t remember the last time she slept. She had two exams coming up plus the art show that she was in and the fact that her grandfather had only just passed away and the funeral had been emotionally draining.

She didn’t tell him that her grandfather, the closest thing she’d ever had to a dad, had died the day before he requested she fly out to Vegas and see them. She had just kept her mouth shut and pulled a happy face and then flown home to deal with everything. She didn’t tell him that she had fainted a few days after the funeral because of malnutrition. She just wrote it off as the busy schedule and the working doubles and the stress. The ever present stress that he knew nothing about.

Because when he came home she was just a happy, laid-back uni student that was excited to see her boyfriend. She pretended not to care about anything but the stupid tour stories he told. She laughed when she was supposed to and acted surprised when he told her something that she assumed was suppose to be shocking. She never introduced him to her mom or brought him back to her childhood home. A two room flat in Peckham that was the size of a closet and nestled on the top floor of a flat building that looked ready to fall over. Her mom still lived in the same house and she went home every Sunday that she could, that he wasn’t around, to visit.

And it wasn’t that she didn’t love him. Because god did she love him. More than herself. To the fucking moon or further and back. Like that giving tree had loved the little boy who sat with her. She loved him so fucking much. It made her cry sometimes. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him. She trusted him with everything. With her life. It wasn’t that she thought she wasn’t good enough for him. She wasn’t spectacular and she didn’t look like a model but she liked who she was.

She just didn’t want him to lose focus. She didn’t want him to think she was a hassle. She wanted to seem independent and strong and intelligent. But she wasn’t. She was scared shitless. Because life just kept getting more and more complicated and he was away all the time.

“You okay Addie?” Ryan again and it was the end of her shift. Maybe she had dozed off.

“Fine, fine.” She shook her head and stood up, stretching the tired muscles in her back and legs.

“You need that ride still?”

Addie nodded her head and walked over to clock out. Ryan waited patiently for her and told her he had stocked all 200 boxes tonight, like he was supposed to. She bid him congratulations and gave him a quick hug before they walked completely out into the early morning.

There was a car there. A black SUV type. With ridiculously tinted windows. It sat a few rows away from Ryan’s beat up old four door. The driver stood outside of it, wearing light grey joggers, a white pair of supras, a low vest, and a green snapback. It hid the blond color of his hair.

She should have been really happy. She should have run into his arms and welcomed him home and kissed him bunches of times. She wanted to punch him in the arm. So hard it bruised and maybe made him cry. But she settled for frowning.

“I guess you don’t need that ride.”

Ryan knew they were dating. She had told him the first time he had asked her out, two years ago. She had been totally honest and Ryan had been totally trustworthy.

“I’ll be there on Saturday though, I promise.” She squeezed his hand gently and then headed to the SUV and it’s driver.

He was stood in front of the passenger door, blocking her ability to just climb in the car. She bit her lip and looked to the ground, avoiding his blue eyes and any attempt at sympathy he might get from her.

It was always too busy or he was too tired or he just couldn’t find the right time. And then he’d feel guilty and he’d buy her some sort of present and show up at her flat or at her work. It was always the same with him. He was always so predictable.

“Hey,” she breathed out. She let him take her bag from her shoulder.

“How was work?”

Usually she would say good. That was all there ever was to it. Work was good and uni was good and everything was just so fucking good it was crazy. But she was tired. She hadn’t slept properly since she’d gotten back from Vegas.

“Why are you here?” She really wanted to hug him because he did give the best hugs in the world and she could really use a hug. Sleeping alone got hard. And not sleeping at all was worse.

“Addie,” his voice was a little like a warning. He was tired too and he wanted the happy girlfriend welcome…not her attitude.

“Don’t fucking ‘Addie’ me. I’m tired too! I’ve been working too!” She didn’t mean to sound like a petulant child.

She was so tired. And she had been working so hard. She had to. She had a plan and she had to see it through. She wanted a nice job in a town that wasn’t this city and she wanted her mom to be able to relax for once and not worry. And she didn’t want to worry anymore. About him or her mom or her grades or her work or anything.

“Addie,” he didn’t listen, “calm down.”

“No!” She pulled away from the arm he reached out.

“Addie come on, don’t do this here…what’s the matter with you?” He glanced to make sure that no one was pulling in to shop. Or leaving the store after a night shift.

“I’m tired!”

“Then we’ll head back to my place, you can sleep,” he offered.

“I’m not…I’m tired of you just popping up whenever the hell you want to and expecting me to be happy to see you. I’m fucking exhausted and it’s been a long couple of days and I don’t want to go home with you.” She stepped away from him.

“Addie,” he tried again.

“Please don’t.”

She tried to step away again but he grabbed her in time, pulling her against him. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, kissing the side of her head gently and taking in the scent of her perfume. She was crying now, sniffling and burying her face further into his vest, her lips pressed against the exposed skin on his collarbone. Her hands were gripping the fabric on his sides. Maybe she was one of those terribly predictable girls that cried whenever they got too worked up. She couldn’t even have a proper argument with him.

“Addie,” he spoke softly, kissing her forehead as he moved her a little to see her face, “what’s the matter?”

“I just hate this job and I haven’t slept in days and I have a project due Monday and my exams and my mum is having trouble with rent and I fainted last week and I don’t have health insurance and my granddad died.” She said it all at once, muttering the words together so that he had a hard time understanding what she was saying.

He watched her for a moment, trying to playback the sentence and pull out what he could. “When did your granddad die?” He hadn’t heard, he knew he hadn’t heard.

“Last Thursday.” She used to talk about wanting him to meet her grandfather. How it was really important to her that they meet someday. But then she had never introduced him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you asked me to come see you and I didn’t want to seem stupid.”

“Being upset that your granddad passed isn’t stupid Addie,” he reasoned.

“I didn’t want you to come to the funeral either. I mean, I didn’t really think you would’ve but in case you did. I didn’t want you too.”

“Why?”

“Because I saw what happened at Greg’s wedding,” she mumbled.

“No I mean,” he sighed, “why didn’t you think I would come?”

“It just wouldn’t be important to you.”

“Of course it would be important Addie, you’re my girlfriend.”

She really didn’t think saying it would fix anything. That voicing the root of all the problems she’d mentioned would change a thing about their relationship. Except maybe that there was one. But still, the words were there, eating at her.

“Sometimes I don’t feel important to you.”

He stepped back from her, completely detangling himself and she knew she had upset him. And she didn’t mean to. Or maybe she did, he upset her all the time. Without even saying anything he upset her. And just this once she wanted to be the one doing the upsetting.

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it?”

“Addie…you’re my girlfriend. If I didn’t think you were important we wouldn’t be dating.” And there it was. His not so graceful way of saying he thought she was important and she was being ridiculous.

“Do you love me?”

“Of course I do.”

“You never say it.”

“It’s implied.”

“When is it implied? When you go off on tour and leave me alone in London to try and balance everything in my life without so much as a call home? Or when I can’t hang out with you if you’re going out in public because someone might see us together? Or when you won’t bring me home for any holiday to meet your parents? When everyone thinks your single? Then I’m sure!” She was angry again.

“It’s complicated.”

“Because you make it complicated! I’m not asking you for much. I don’t want you to pay for me. I don’t want help. I just want someone there when I need them. It’s been really hard for me lately and I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

“You never tell me anything.”

“I just want you to love me and be proud of me.”

“I do love you, I just don’t want you to get hurt.” He sighed.

“You’re hurting me.”

“Addie,”

“Just take me home…I don’t want to be here anymore.”

He nodded his head, opening the door for her. He stood in the passenger door for a moment, watching her sit there and look out the window. They hadn’t resolved anything. They just argued and then she got tired of arguing and gave up and things went back the way that they were. He leaned forward pressed his forehead to her sleeved shoulder, kissing her upper arm gently, letting his lips linger for a moment.

“I love you Addie,” he whispered, “so much.”

She turned a little in her seat but he didn’t move, grinning the slightest when he face met her chest. She took off the snapback he had been wearing the whole time, pressing a kiss to the top of his blond hair.

“I love you too Niall,” she murmured.

He stood up and met her eyes. He knew they hadn’t resolved much, and maybe that was there downfall. But she had the slightest smile on her face. It was one of those smiles that told him it was going to be okay. He mirrored the smile, taking the hat from her lap and fixing it on her head, let his hand slide down to cup her cheek. She turned her head a little into his hand.

“I missed you,” she admitted.

“I missed you too,” he repeated, “I’m sorry.”

“It’ll be alright…you’re here at least.”

At least.