There's Beauty in Breakdown

This happens a lot more than Louis wanted to admit. The long nights of overthinking, the nights where it feels like his demons are crawling up his skin and into the parts of the brain he’s tried to keep hidden, the nights where the tears and anger blur together until he’s either destroying things or destroying himself. Louis thought these nights would end when he grew up; they’ve been haunting them since he was merely fifteen but they haven’t gotten better, merely worse. They may not happen as often as they used to but when they do happen now, and it’s utterly heartbreaking for Louis. He works so hard to control his emotions, to control this side of him and for it to creep back in is like pushing aside all of his hard work and it’s like his brain is telling him no matter how hard he tries he will always be a monster.

Louis knows how this night could end up and he doesn’t want to go through this again, he’s stronger than that. He hasn’t done all this hard work for nothing and he will be damned if he harms himself after being clean for four years. So he tries what he usually does on nights like these some of which include showering for an hour or just sleeping or reading or singing or playing the piano. Nothing was working though, if anything it was getting worse and Louis wasn’t so confident he would stay clean as he so wanted to do. He didn’t know what to do, the darkness was haunting him surrounding him and he isn’t sure what to do. Louis turns on all the lights in his flat and plays some music so the flat wasn’t so quiet. Despite all of that though he still feels like his insides are churning and he’s having a hard time staying somewhat calm.

Louis, who just wanted to sleep and never wake up again, walked to his bedroom and grabbed his phone and from his bedside table and scrolled through his contacts. He stopped on Harry’s name but didn’t hit call, too nervous and scared to actually call him. The fear of the night however finally gave him the courage to actually dial Harry’s number.

“Louis?” Harry questioned, obviously have been asleep prior to his phone call. “You alright babe?”

“Harry…I…I…” Louis tried to say. “Fuck Harry I need you.”

“What’s wrong?” Harry sounded more awake at this point.

“The walls are closing in and the thoughts, they won’t stop. They won’t…Harry.”

“Louis baby, sh, it’s okay. It’s okay. I’ll be right there.”

“Hurry please. Please Harry.”

“Of course baby, I’ll be there before you know it.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. Just hang in there, okay?”

“Okay. You’re coming right?”

“I’m in my car. I’ll be there so soon, Louis.”

“Okay, thank you. See you soon.”

“See you soon, love.”

(+++)

“Louis!” Harry yelled walking right into Louis’ flat, not bothering knocking.

“Harry!” Louis yelled back running from his room and straight into Harry’s arms, crying the second Harry was wrapping his arms around him.

“Sh, baby it’s okay, it’s okay. You’re with me now, it’s okay. Let’s go to your room and relax.”

Louis shook his head, “I can’t stay in this flat any longer, please? Can we go somewhere?”

“Yes, whatever you need. Come on, love. I’ll help you to the car.”

Harry kept an arm around Louis, Louis still clutching to Harry tightly but Harry didn’t mind one bit. Harry closed Louis’ flat door and helped him all the way to his car even helping him get in and put his seatbelt on. Harry drove faster to his flat more than likely breaking many laws but the boy he’s falling in love with is crying hysterically beside him, he’ll do anything to keep him safe. Once they got to Harry’s flat Harry carried Louis up the stairs and into his bedroom. Harry set Louis on his bed and took off his shoes and socks, pants and shirt next. Harry went to his closet and picked out the first shirt he could find, slipping it over Louis’ head before slipping off his own shoes and shirt, leaving on his pajama pants he slipped on before leaving his flat. He tucked Louis into the bed getting in later and wrapping his arms protectively around Louis.

“Baby please calm down, you’re scarring me.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please don’t be upset.”

“I’m not, baby, I’m not. I just need you to calm down. Please just try to relax. Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

Louis shook his head, “I’m not ready. I’m sorry I should tell you, I should-“

“No you shouldn’t do anything but relax right now. You don’t have to tell me anything. Just try to breathe, please. Let’s do it together, okay?” Harry placed his hand over Louis’ heart and placed Louis’ hand over his heart. “Ready? Breathe in, breathe out.”

Harry repeated the mantra until he could feel Louis’ heart rate return to normal.

“That’s right baby, I knew you could do it. How about we sleep, yeah?”

“I’m too afraid to sleep.” Louis whispered.

“Well that’s alright. We can watch a movie or I could sing to you or we could eat or watch youtube videos.”

“Movie?” Louis asked.

“Great, have any in mind?”

“Not really, something happy and light maybe.”

“Okay, all my movies are in the living room, want to come out and pick them with me?”

Louis merely nodded and followed Harry like a lost puppy and pointed out the Hangover for the two to watch.

“Go on and get in bed, I’ll set it up.”

Once both boys were in bed they went straight back to cuddling, Louis with his head resting on Harry’s chest and Harry’s arms wrapped tightly around him. Not even twenty minutes into the movie Louis fell asleep, Harry staying up a little longer to make sure Louis stayed asleep before allowing himself to sleep.

(+++)

Louis woke up alone and almost immediately all of his thoughts from last night came flooding in but he did his best to remain calm and adjust to his surroundings. He could hear moving around in the kitchen and when he focused on it he realized he could smell food cooking as well. After going to the bathroom and splashing some water on his face, he finally wandered into the kitchen walking up to Harry and slipping his arms around his waist, resting his head on Harry’s back.

“Morning.” Louis whispered.

“Good morning baby, did you sleep alright?”

“Best sleep I’ve had in a while.” Louis spoke honestly.

“Good, I hope you’re hungry.”

“I am.” Louis admitted.

“Good. If you want to go sit in the living room while I finish up you can.”
Louis shrugged, “I’d rather stay here.” Louis said nuzzling face into Harry’s shoulder.

Harry didn’t say anything his hidden smile said enough. Harry finished cooking with Louis still wrapped around him and made them both a cup of tea before the settled down on the couch and watched mindless TV as they ate. After eating Harry immediately wrapped Louis into his arms

“Do you want to talk about it?” Harry questioned.

“I’m scared.” Louis whispered.

“Of what?”

“Of scaring you away.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because Louis, I really like you and I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to know everything about you, the you during the day and night. I’m falling in love with you Louis and nothing will change that.”

Louis sighed and tried to smile, “Promise?”

“I promise.”

“It’s a long story.”

“I’ve got all the time in the world for you.”