Paint You Wings.

⊱⊱ Riley Van Acker ⊰⊰

Freedom. A noun. The power of self-determination attributed to the will; the quality of being independent of fate or necessity.

I long for freedom.

Physically, I am free. But mentally, I am not. I'm trapped in my own mind with the walls threatening to cave in, making my brain implode from inside itself. Every little thing I do, every little action, my mind over thinks it up to the point that I'm unsure of everything. I find myself constantly second-guessing myself. And sometimes I have trouble deciding if it's just me being ridiculous or if the world just really seems better off without me.

I'm not suicidal and neither do I physically inflict harm upon myself. But self harm can come in many different forms - doubting yourself up to the point that you just want to stay in bed all day and hide away from society is one form that I've been subjected to more than a couple of times.

The scene from years ago replays in my head over and over again. I try to shut it out, and I succeed, only for those memories to be replaced with ones of how the one I loved and genuinely thought understood me, left. He just... Left. Like I never meant anything. Like the two and a half years that we shared together in therapy was nothing but something 'of the moment'.

We'd met in therapy, as he was once mute as well. Although... his 'muteness' was simply because he refused to talk to anyone. I didn't want to go to therapy. I didn't need therapy. But no one understood that - saying that with therapy sessions, I'd be able to talk again and go back to normal like nothing had happened at all. Tragic was an understatement. What had happened was horrific; nightmarish, even.

They tried forcing me to talk but I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I really did, just to be able to get out of the damned place. I just... Couldn't. It was impossible.

Then I'd met Luke. He, too, was like me. We were each other's support, making sure that no one forced the other to do anything they didn't want to. His therapy went tremendously better than mine, for he slowly started being able to speak to people. Though his voice quivered and he stuttered, he could still let sounds escape from his mouth.

After two years of weekly therapy, the doctors finally gave up on me - saying that I'd probably never talk. They spoke of me as though I was a child and was not in the room when, in actuality, I was right there - a sad and tremendously broken sixteen year old. They didn't give up on Luke, though, and since he was still jittery, less than last time, I was still his best friend. His girlfriend. His 'one true love', as he told me many a time.

Then he left once he gained the confidence and started being 'normal' again. 'Said I was a freaky mute girl, and no one would find any interest in mute girls. When he left, he ultimately took my everything with him, because I'd given him my everything. I was young and alone, and he was there. He accepted me with open arms, at the time, only to drop me like a piece of used tissue paper. He gave up on me.

Love does make the world go round, but I'm perfectly content with living out the rest of my life in the café, never getting married or settling down. Alex had already weaselled his way into my life - okay, so I sort of invited him into my life - but who's to say he won't leave once he realises what a freak I am?

He's a rockstar. He's good-looking. He's talented. He's... Alex.

And I'm... Me. Just Riley. Certainly not a wizard who would go on to save the entire world from the Dark Lord. I'm just Riley. No one special.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" He nudged me softly, his adorable lopsided smile painted across his lips.

I turned toward the brown-haired man, offering him a weak smile. I gently took his hand, flipping it around so that the back of his hand was facing upwards. 'Stuff.' I traced slowly.

"What kind of stuff?" He asked curiously.

I shrugged a shoulder, 'Just stuff.'

"Woah, woah. You're giving me too much information right now." He drawled out with the most sarcastic look plastered on his face. Rolling my eyes, I nudged his shoulder so that he lost his balance on the uncomfortable plastic chair as he giggled adorably. I'd normally find it odd that a guy just giggled but it was Alex. Alex's giggle was really fucking cute.

He sighed with a smile across his lips, casually bringing an arm around my shoulder like the smooth bastard he was. I gave him an amused smile but rested my head on his shoulder, anyway.

We were currently at the airport, waiting for his best friend's plane to land. I was told that he'd gone out of the country to visit family and although his parents and siblings had flown out there with him, he was returning to Baltimore before them. Alex said something about him flying in, as well as the drummer later on, so that they could work on more songs, before they left for Warped Tour which was some five weeks away.

I confess, I'm rather dreading that moment. He's been a... A really good friend. Maybe even more. I try to tell myself that I'm not starting to like like him. I try to tell myself that I'm not slowly falling in love with the way he likes to mess with his hair when he's deliriously tired, and that his stupid, lopsided smiles didn't make me feel all fuzzy and like a young teenager again.

It's only been a couple weeks since we've properly met and I would've never expected him to actually stick around. To be honest, I thought he'd just walk right out of the door and never walk back in -- my metaphorical door in which referred to my life or the physical café door.

I'm terrified of falling in love again. I'm not going to be an arse and say that I've just completely given up on the male population, because I haven't, I'm just so afraid that if I actually allow myself the possibility of merely thinking about being with Alex - emotionally - he'd leave, just like Luke.

Maybe if I'd been given a set of wings to be able to overcome everything that I'd been through, I wouldn't be like this right now. I wouldn't be so bloody afraid of the fall. Rick once told me: "you're not afraid of the dark, you're afraid of what's in it. You're not afraid of heights, you're afraid of falling. You're not afraid of loving, you're afraid of not being loved back. You're not afraid to try again, you're just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason."

So yeah, maybe I'm afraid that Alex will figure out that he can do so much better than someone like me. That, if we ever do get together, he'll realise the exact same thing that Luke did. It's not like I'm exceptionally beautiful and my 'deformity' can easily be overlooked.

I'm just... Me. That's it. Average. Normal.

Alex's warm and well-muscled arm unwrapped itself from around my shoulder as he practically jumped up his chair and started jogging towards a tall and lanky black-haired male. I'm guessing he missed his best friend.

Figuring I'd give them some privacy, I stayed on the chair, pulling out my phone to boot up a game of Dead Trigger. A few dead zombies later, I heard footsteps shuffle towards me. I didn't want to glance up for the simple factor that I didn't want to let video game-me die, so I nodded in acknowledgement of the pair, not taking my eyes off of the screen. I heard them both chuckle, followed by the familiar tattooed hand reaching out to grab my phone from me. I looked up, pouting my bottom lip at him while also appreciating how I had two good-looking men standing before me.

"Jack, this is Riley. Ri, this is my best friend; Jack." Alex introduced as I stood up, offering him a hand to shake.

Jack disregarded it, pulling me in for a quick hug instead. He pulled back with a smile on his lips and movements of his shoulder. "Any friend of 'Lex's is a friend of mine. Plus... He's been talking about you for the past -- OW SHIT." He exclaimed as Alex thwacked the back of his head, the brown-haired man's cheeks flushing.

I turned to Alex with a smirk crawling along my lips. Yeah, I was pretty embarrassed as well, knowing that he'd told his best friend about me and said best friend had just revealed that to me, but seeing him turning so red in the cheeks made me feel like it was mandatory to add onto his current torture. Wiggling my eyebrows at him, he scowled, pushing my shoulders towards the exit of the airport.

Letting out silent laughter accompanied by Jack's loud ones, Alex flushed even more. Probably due to how people were looking at us rather oddly this time.

"Shut up and get in the car." He grumbled, although I could see a smile teasing the corners of his lips as he reached down and grabbed my hand in his own, immediately twining our fingers together - like it was in his second-nature to do so.

Thing was... It actually did feel natural, like he was meant to be holding my hand. The spaces between his fingers seemed to be where mine fit perfectly.