The Other Side Of The Fence

Have you ever just sat in your back yard? Felt the grass prick the back of your legs, the sun beat down on your face, and shoulders? Smelled the flowers, listened to the wind, the sound of the birds chirping, the kids in the neighborhood yelling, and realized, that this was probably the best thing about your life? Probably not, my life was just that pathetic. This is what I had to look forward to, every day, for as long as I lived with Mother, which I’m sure would be up until the day she died. She’d never let me move out, I’m a legal adult now, and can’t even leave the basement level of the house, I may do it when she wasn’t home, but if she ever caught me, I couldn’t imagine what she’d do.

I bet it’s hard to believe that I’m a legal adult, and still let Mother have this control over me, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I had nowhere to go, I’ve never had a job, and I didn’t have money, no car, no cell phone, and no friends to stay with. All I have is Mother. Mother would never give me money to move out, she’d never let me go off on my own, she’d screech about how I would end up dead like Daddy. She’d say I needed her to stay alive, she was just keeping me safe, and she wasn’t going to let any bad man hurt me. She’d never let a man around me, I was going to die a virgin, because I’m sure Mother would live till I was old enough to go into a home. I was kissed by a boy once, his name was David, and it was when I was in the fifth grade, at a school dance. Mother never knew about that, as far as she was concerned men would hurt me now. After Daddy died, she couldn’t be around men anymore either, she had to stay far away from them. She took self-defense classes, and carried pepper spray on her key chain; she said it’d keep her safe.

I sighed, lying back in the grass, letting the sun beat down on me, closing my eyes against the bright rays. This was my own little piece of Heaven; this was my everything, the bright spot in my dark days. I slid my fingers through the grass, wanting to feel it sliding through my fingers, wanting to memorize the feeling of all of it. It was a Friday, Mother would be home all weekend, I wouldn’t be allowed back out here, for over 2 days, it would be torture. I wouldn’t get the fresh air, I wouldn’t be able to see the sun light, smell the fresh cut grass, and escape for just a little while.

I would sit here and wonder what life was like on the other side of the fence; it was obviously more interesting than this. There were malls, and beaches, oceans to swim in, other people to hang out with. I missed having friends to hang out, people to see every day, I missed regular school. I had suggested to Mother that I start at the community college, but she hadn’t liked that idea one bit, she wanted me home, where she knew it was safe. It wasn’t fair, but if Mother wanted it, it was what was going to happen, whether I liked it or not. I quite obviously didn’t like It, I’m sure there was some doctor out there who would say that I wasn’t as developed as every other person in the world because I wasn’t able to talk to people my own age, and experience the world for myself. I’m sure that doctor would be correct too, but Mother didn’t care about that.

I would sit here, thinking about what it’d be like to actually have friends. We’d go get our hair done, go shopping, and maybe go out to lunch at a fast food place. I hadn’t had McDonald’s since Daddy was alive, Mother believed in home cooked food, that way she knew who was making it, and what was in it. There was no telling if the bad men were going to try to poison us with fast food. If I had friends, I’d do silly things, like go to the movies, spend money on clothes that I’d never really wear, do my makeup, and go out to the bar with them. Have my first alcoholic drink that would be something.

As much as I liked to think about if I had friends, I really wondered what it’d be like if I had a boyfriend. Someone to take me out on dates, tell me I look beautiful, someone to kiss every night before bed. Someone to love me, and take care of me, someone who’d want whatever was best for me, in any situation, maybe it was all the romance movies I had time to watch while sitting in my room on the weekends, but that was what I thought relationships consisted of. I mean, maybe I was wrong, but it didn’t really matter to me, I could imagine whatever I wanted. I could think of growing old with some man, who was perfect for me in every way, who was my soul mate. His kisses would set my body on fire; his eyes would see through everything, straight into my soul, his touch would send electric currents through me. That’s what love was supposed to be like, that’s what I would hope for till the day I died, old and alone.

I knew I could sit here and imagine what it would be like to have real friends, to truly be in love. I could imagine starting a family, having kids, and spending the rest of my life with my soul mate, waiting for our grandchildren to come visit us, watching the wrinkles set in on both of our faces, but I’d never have that. Not if Mother had her way, I’d stay here in this house, with her, till the day she died. Only when that happened would I be safe to go out on my own, and find my own life, but that would never happen. Mother would never die.