Massachusetts

I thought I was doing right.
I thought I was doing what I wanted and what was going to make me happy.
Moving from Southern California to Massachusetts for him was what I wanted…at least, that’s what I thought two years ago.
My friends, my family…they all told me I was crazy, downright stupid to move across the country for him, but they didn’t know how much I loved him at the time.
Chris and I were perfect; happy, healthy, young and completely in love with each other. Were.
But now, as I sit on the floor in the corner of our bedroom, all I can feel is the ache in my chest and the throbbing of my right cheek.
He caught me.
He caught me packing a small bag, finally making the incredibly tough decision of leaving him and going back to California. Back to California where all my friends and family were; friends and family that had no idea what Chris has been doing to me for the past two years. But as I think about it, I’m sure as soon as I was done unpacking, I would look at my small suitcase and start unpacking it right away. It was too hard to leave, I couldn’t get myself to do it no matter how he hurt me.
I reached up and wiped harshly at my tear stained cheek, sure some of the liquid was blood. I shakily pushed myself up and nearly stumbled into the bathroom that connected to our bedroom. I stood in front of the mirror with my eyes closed and hesitantly flicked the light switch. My eyes still remained closed; I was scared to see what I looked like. According to the amount of pain I was feeling, Chris out-did himself this time. With a deep sigh that caused a rattle from my chest, I opened my eyes and cringed, tears immediately reaching and falling from my eyes.
My right cheek was severely bruised and busted; blood mixed with fresh salty tears and left a trail down my cheek and jaw, dropping to land on my chest. My usual caramel colored hair was wild and dim looking; the hair near my temple was slightly matted and crusted with dried blood. A quick sob radiated from my chest, but it ended quickly and would be the last when it felt like a rib punctured my heart.
I followed the routine.
With nimble fingers, I reached for a white washcloth and ran it under warm water. I released the excess water from the cloth and held it to my cheek, softly dabbing away the tears and blood that created twirled patterns on my skin. Once all the blood and grime was washed away, I could see Chris’s hand mark on my cheek. There were a few; each time he laid his hand on my cheek, it was in a different place, leaving a massive red welt that covered the entire right side of my face. He hit me so hard; I swear you could see his fingerprints engraved into my skin.
I wiped my remaining smeared makeup away then brushed my teeth, preparing myself to settle in bed. I walked back into the room Chris and I shared and changed out of my ripped shirt and into a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. Before I climbed into bed, I circled the room and picked up the clothing Chris had ripped from my suitcase and thrown on the floor; of course, he didn’t forget to rip or tear some of it up.
I replaced my suitcase under the bed then pulled the neatly made sheets back and climbed in. I sighed at the comfort of the cool sheets against my skin and snuggled into my pillow. I allowed my eyes to stay open and stare at the empty spot next to me.
He wouldn’t be home for a few hours. Just like every time, after a good ol’ beating, he went to the bar, only to get even angrier with the help of alcohol and come back with a vengeance.
One day, I won’t be here to receive that…but today isn’t the day.
When that day would come, I have no idea.
I don’t know why I can’t just pack up in the middle of the night and leave, back to California, back to my friends and family, who I was getting tired of constantly lying to. Especially my friends; Jaime, Vic, Mike and Tony. Every time they called, they would continuously ask what was wrong, that I sounded different. That it sounded like I was trembling while speaking to them…and I was, because Chris was right over my shoulder making sure I said nothing that sounded suspicious. It’s come to the point that Chris won’t let me answer their phone calls; causing the boys, especially Jaime, to leave voicemails stating their concern and sometimes anger that I wasn’t responding to them.
If I wanted to right now, I could call Jaime. He was the one that was always trying to get me to come back home. He hated Chris. Hell, all the boys hated Chris, but they thought I was happy so they didn’t get too angry when I said I was staying in Massachusetts with him.
I closed my eyes and thought of my boys. Their laughter and pranks, their smiles and complete stupid-ness that never failed to make me smile. Just their voices reminded me of the California sun; the warmth and brightness.
Here…all there is, is rain and storms, and angry hands.
I sat up and reached for my phone, four digits of Jaime’s number dialed and I heard the slamming of a car door. My chest clenched and I cringed. Chris was already home. I thought I would have a few more hours.
I sighed when I heard him stumble through the front door, if I didn’t help him, it would just make things worse. As quickly as possible, I flew back the sheets and bounded to the top of the stairs. He was already slumped on the bottom step, his head lulling forward and back with the lack of control alcohol offered. As his head rolled back, his blurred vision caught sight of me.
“Katie.”
Even from the top of the stairs I could see the red in his eyes, his once beautiful green eyes are now constantly glazed and an ominous color.
I slowly crept down the steps closer to him, but the closer I got, the softer his eyes grew. I crouched down at his side and watched him lift his hand. He softly placed his hand on my demolished face, his thumb brushing across my cheek bone.
”I’m sorry.” He mumbled with a slur. “It won’t happen again.” His eyes grew even softer as a small look of guilt and regret covered his features.
My eyes fixed on his face…waiting for it.
Waiting for the moment this softness would drop and the evil-ness would return. His current behavior was nothing new. He would apologize then in a matter of seconds, wrath would enter his veins and he would resort to using his fist. I reached under his arms and helped him stand, his arm reaching around my waist. Together we stumbled up the stairs and I brought him straight to our bedroom and deposited him on the bed. He sat and reached down to pull of his shoes as I walked to his dressed to pull out a pair of shorts and a shirt for bed. I hear the thud of each shoe hit the floor, then the sound of him loosening his tie.
I placed his clothes next to him and took a step back. My right hand reached up and started to pull at my gaged ears in anticipation…just waiting. Maybe I could try and run this time…I actually laughed silently at the thought.
He unbuttoned his stark-white shirt and placed in next to him then reached for his clean shirt, there, I saw it. He licked his lips and stared up at me through his dark eyelashes. A playful grin grew onto his thin lips as he pushed himself up and made his way towards me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into him. I turned my head to the side with hidden disgust in not only the alcohol on his breath, but with him as well. His touch made my skin crawl, it made me ache with the want to leave and go back to California and wrap myself in one of the boy’s protective arms.
Chris slowly lifted his hand and trailed it under my shirt, his finger nails softly trailing across my ribs and towards my breasts. Soon, his other hand crept under my shirt reaching for the clip of my bra. I could already feel the tears pushing horribly at my eyes.
“Chris.” I started. “No.”
I surprised myself, usually I just shut my mouth and let it happen…and he knew that.
Chris didn’t say anything, he just allowed his hands to roam my skin as he pulled me roughly to him.
Before I could even whimper in another protest, he pulled me from his chest and swung at my cheek, causing my already wounded skin to open up and pour more blood. I fell to the floor at his feet and held my cheek, my shoulders slumped and eyes clenched. My breathing was labored and cut short but I didn’t move.
With a sigh that sounded like he was being forced to do this, he leaned down and pulled me up by my arm. I fell into his chest and nearly screamed when he harshly planted his lips to mine. His teeth nibbled my lower lip and in a matter of seconds I tasted copper.
With both of his hands on my upper arms, he pushed me away from him and I watched him pull his right hand back, only to whip it forward and allow his fist to splinter my cheek. Before I could fall back to the floor in defeat, he reached forward, grasped me and threw me into the wall. I heard the things on the dresser rattle as my back collided with the wall.
I slumped down and let my head fall and stare at the floor. I pulled my knees to my chest and tried to wrap myself up, wanting to hide myself from him.
Chris turned, silently changed his clothes and climbed into bed as I still sat on the floor in a heap.
“Clean yourself up.” He stated casually as he turned in the sheets, his back towards me. Silent, I lifted myself and followed my previous routine. My already wounded cheek was split open, fresh blood trailing down my face. I cleaned up the blood and tears and left the bathroom, only to stop dead in my tracks when I came face to face with Chris blocking my path. His eyes were darker than usual and there was a gleam in them, making his usual green eyes look like coal. A piece of blonde hair covered his right eye as he cocked his head to the side with a teasing look on his face.
Chris’ hand slowly lifted to reveal my phone clenched in his fingers. “Jaime called.” He tilted his head to the other side and continued. “Followed by, Victor, Tony and Mike calling. I thought I told you to stop talking to them.”
“You did.” I mumbled and let my head drop, my eyes taking in the blues of the carpet.
“They shouldn’t be calling you.”
I nodded my head in agreement but kept my head bent. “Yes.”
Chris turned his shoulders and threw my phone at the wall, I watched it shatter in a dozen pieces then fall to the floor in little shards…there goes all communication with my friends and family; my chest clenched.
As he turned from throwing the phone, Chris turned his hips and collided the back of his hand with my uninjured cheek. I didn’t fall to the floor, but I stumbled back until I rested against the wall on trembling legs. I lifted my eyes just barely as I watched Chris walk around the room and pack a small bag. He said nothing as he slowly walked down the stairs, out the door and into his car, leaving. Leaving to go spend the night with the other women, the other women who Chris never failed to wave in my face.
The house filled with silence and I didn’t move.
This is my time. This is my time to leave. I didn’t hesitate.
I fell to my knees and pulled out my suitcase from under the bed and started to throw all my clothes into it. I grabbed whatever bag I could find, not even caring if it was Chris’, I shoved all of my belongings into them. Trying to make sure I didn’t leave anything of mine behind.
With my suitcase and two medium sized bags packed and resting on the bed. I changed my clothes into jeans, a plain shirt and my blue vans.
I sat on the edge of the bed and sighed deeply. I looked around the dark bedroom and saw the lack of my belongings.
I couldn’t do it.
I stood up and circled the bed until I stood in front of the suitcase. I unzipped it and started to pull messy shirts from the right side and place it back in my dresser. I continued to put things away until my fingers brushed the fabric of the only Pierce the Veil t-shirt I had, which was ripped because Chris knew it reminded me of my boys. I fingered the tattered and shredded fabric and pushed the pieces around until I saw the letters of the band’s name align.
I felt my cheeks lift into a smile, not caring that both cheeks stung. I turned quickly on my heel and retrieved the clothes I put back in my dresser and tossed them sloppily into my suitcase.
I lifted all of my luggage and headed for the stairs. I didn’t look at the house before I left, I didn’t even lock the door. I went straight to my car, threw my belongings in and placed myself in the driver’s seat and started to drive towards the airport.
I literally parked my car on a side street, preparing to leave it behind and walked into the airport with my hoodie zipped tightly, my hood covering a majority of my face. I provided the lady with a credit card that Chris had no idea about, if he knew, there is no doubt that I would be dead.
I received my ticket and smiled when she told me boarding would begin in about ten minutes; the sooner the better. I rushed through the late night crowd of business men and women and headed for my plane. By the time I was done checking in my luggage, it was time to board. As I stepped into the tunnel, I didn’t look back, I didn’t feel my fingers itching to unpack and settle back down with Chris.
I was leaving.
I took a seat and relaxed when the seat next to me remained empty. I had a little over five hours to think up an explanation for when I arrived at Jaime’s doorstep. My fingers lifted and trailed over the bruised, swollen skin of my right cheek. I couldn’t deny it, all I wanted at the moment was for Jaime’s strong arms to wrap around me and just hold me. When I think about it, there could have been something for me and Jaime; but Chris was always looming over my shoulder, whispering that he was the only one for me. That he was the only one that could love me.
I needed to get back to them. I needed to tell them they were right, that I never should have left and that they were right about Chris…he is a monster.
I was jolted awake when the plane began to shake, the sound of the brakes being lowered to land made me sit up in my seat and clutch my purse to my chest.
The cabin emptied and I found myself taking steps into the bright white San Diego airport. I couldn’t wait to walk into the sun and feel it’s warmth on my bruised face. At that thought, I tugged my hood even lower around my face and picked up my pace. I collected my luggage and ventured outside so I could call a taxi.
The old man loaded my luggage into the back of his trunk and asked me for an address. With a sheepish smile. I told him I couldn’t give him an address, but I could tell him where to turn. I watched his kind blue eyes lift to his rear view mirror and cringe when he caught sight of my face. He nodded and put the car in motion. I pushed myself closer to the front seats and pointed to signs and roads.
It a matter of a short ten minutes, he parked the car a few houses down from Jaime. I climbed out and shoulder my purse and walked to the trunk. The taxi driver was unloading my items.
I dug in my pocket and pulled out a few bills and tried to hand it to him. He reached out and pushed my hand back to my chest as he shook his head.
“This one is on me.” He smiled and softly and very hesitantly placed his palm on my cheek. My face softened as I nodded only once.
“Thank you.” I whispered. I shouldered another bag and turned slowly from the man and the taxi. I watched the yellow car drive away as I stood still.
It felt like I couldn’t do it.
Like I couldn’t take those few steps to Jaime’s house. I didn’t do what I said I would; while on the plane, I didn’t think of what I would say or how I would explain myself. I cursed at myself and started to take steps to his house. The closer I got, I could see Vic’s and Tony’s car parked on the street.
I wasn’t sure if that was good. I wanted to see them all….badly. But that meant I would have to face them and tell them that everything I have been telling them for the past two years has been a painful lie.
I did my best to silence my thoughts as I continued walking to Jaime’s house.
Finally, I stood on his step and bit harshly at my lips, I could hear the boys laughing and joking around inside. My heart swelled and a stupid gin covered my face. I lifted my hand slowly and knocked on his wooden door. I knocked twice and the sound echoed in my mind. I heard the click of the door knob being turned.
A laughing Jaime appeared at the open door, his shoulder turned to me as he looked behind him and yelled at one of the boys.
“Hey! Shut up!” He waved his hand and turned towards me. His smiled dropped as he looked at me with wide eyes, his brows furrowed deeply, lips parted.
“Katie?” He voice came out in a wavered whisper. I didn’t answer him at first, I just wanted to take him in. It’s been two years since I’ve seen him, but he still looked like Jaime.
His black hair was spiked up like always, his skin tan and clear, smooth to the touch. His broad shoulders and chest clothed in a black Obey shirt, his skinny jeans hugging him perfectly.
“Jaime.” I breathed through my smiling lips. He didn’t smile back. He lifted his hand and took a step closer. Before his hand could rest on my face, Vic came rushing in.
“Man, who is i- Katie?” Vic stopped in his tracks and stared me down. Jaime continued closer to me and I closed my eyes when his soft palm cradled my bruised cheek. His other hand reached up and cradled the other side, I slumped my shoulders and allowed my bags to thud to the cement.
“Katie.” Vic repeated, maybe thinking his eyes were playing tricks on him; that I wasn’t really standing on Jaime’s step.
“What the fuck happened?!” I heard a voice yell from in front of me. I opened my eyes to see the always loud and obnoxious Mike standing behind his brother. Both Mike and Tony stood with wide eyes as they took me in.
I didn’t respond to Mike. I just tried to savor the feel of Jaime’s hands on my battered face. One of Jaime’s hands reached up and pushed my hood back so my entire face was revealed. I heard the boys inhale heavily as they saw me.
“Chris.” Jaime stated. I looked up at him and watched as his jaw clenched.
“Where is he? Where is he, Katie?” Mike stepped forward, nearly shoving Vic out of the way so he could get closer to me. Mike’s eyes looked frantically around as he cracked the knuckles of his right hand. “Where the fuck is he?!” He shouted as he threw his gaze to me.
“Mike.” I started. “He’s not here. I left. ”
“He did this to you?” Tony’s sheepish voice made my eyes leave Mike and search for Tony’s sweet face.
I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk about that. I just wanted to be with them. I took a step closer to Jaime and wrapped one arm around his waist as my other arm reached out towards the boys, calling them closer to me. They didn’t hesitate. The crowded around me and wrapped me up, leaving us in a huge group hug. I felt Jaime press his lips to both of my bruised cheek, then burry his face in the crook of my neck.
I was home.