I Can Feel You in My Bones

I retreat to the quiet of the back lounge; the bus has been party central for the past few days.

The back lounge isn’t completely quiet, you can still hear the thumping bass from the music being blasted outside but it’s as close to quiet as you can get around here. I need a little break.

We’re less than I week from California, I’ll be out of here soon. It’s bitter sweet at best, I’m excited to see my brother but I’m going to miss the guys so much; or most of them at least.

TJ and I haven’t spoken in days, I we’ve both been avoiding each other. I’m not mad anymore but from the brief, wordless interactions we’ve had I feel TJ might be.

I hear someone open the door and look up to see Craig.

“I was looking for you,” he tells me, closing the door and sitting down beside me on the couch. “What’re ya doing back here, all by yourself?”

I shrug. “Avoiding people, I guess.”

“Still haven’t talked to Teej yet, huh?”

I look down at my lap so as not to meet his gaze. Craig has been trying to get us to make up at every opportunity but apparently neither of us are listening to him. I don’t blame him for trying, he’s kind of been stuck in the middle of all this.

Craig sighs. “Look, if you guys don’t resolve this I’m going to be forced to start asking what happened,” he says. “I don’t like prying into other people’s business.”

“It’s fine, Craig, honestly,” I tell him. “I’ll be gone soon anyway, I don’t want to cause a fuss.”

“I really don’t like this in fighting,” he says shaking his head. “I like you, Ivy, and everyone else does too, you’re not just some random girl you’re a friend of the band. There’s no room for bad blood.”

“That’s really sweet, it’s just,” I say, pausing to come up with some sort of argument. He really threw me off with that little speech, I didn’t expect that.

“It’s just what?” pushes Craig.

“Nothing, never mind,” I mutter, avoiding eye contact.

“This really need to stop,” mumbles Craig as he gets up.

He quietly leaves the room, leaving me, once again, alone.

He’s probably right, I don’t want to be responsible bringing down the spirit of the whole bus. I should just man up and speak to TJ.

I hear the door open again and am somewhat taken aback when TJ shuffles into the room. He joins me on the couch, leaving a space between us.

The room is awkwardly quiet for a second before TJ talks. “Craig says if I don’t come back here and talk to you he’ll kick me out of the band and I kinda believe him, so here I am,” he says. “Did you say something to him, tell him I’m an asshole or some shit?”

“No,” I answer. “Why the fuck would I do that, TJ?” I ask him, in frustration.

TJ puts his head down in his head and takes a series of dead breaths. It falls quiet again for a few seconds. “Because I am an asshole,” he answers after a while, without lifting his head.

I’m not going to disagree.

TJ straightens back up and actually turns to face me. “I’m sorry,” he tells me. “I was projecting. You didn’t do anything wrong,” he pauses before adding, “Here or back at that motel. I’m sorry,” he restates.

I believe him. “Okay,” I say softly. “Sorry I’ve been avoiding you.”

TJ shakes his head. “It was for the best. I was mad,” he admits.

“Me too,” I return.

“I don’t want you to leave the tour on bad terms,” he tells me.

It’s stupid how much I’ve missed hearing his voice.

“Yeah, me neither,” I return softly.

TJ moves into the space between us, closing the large gap. “I missed you,” he tells me. “The last few days have sucked,” he says, with a smile that’s playful but a tone that implies hurt.

I know where this is going. I don’t want to say it, but I know I have to.

“I can’t do this again,” I tell him, looking down at my lap, avoiding his eyes completely.

“Can’t do what?” TJ asks.

“Sleep with you,” I state, slowly closing in on myself.

In the corner of my eye I see TJ nod, solemnly. “Yeah, I figured that would be the case,” he says. “I’m not going to try anything,” he assures me, respectfully shifting a few inches from me.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble softly. I’m not sure why I feel the need to apologize but it’s a pretty awkward situation. Just as things are getting fixed between us, I really don't want to make it awkward again.

“No,” TJ tells me. “You’re fine, honestly. Do you think we could just put this behind us, or just pretend it never happened?” he asks.

I nod my head, looking back up at him as I do. “I just want to enjoy this last week with you guys,” I tell him. “It’s behind us.”

TJ smiles at me, warmly. “Thanks, Ivy,” he says, pulling me into a hug.

My skin still tingles under his touch and my heart beats faster in my chest but I ignore it. I’m so thankful we’re talking again. I hug him back tightly.

“I’m going to miss you when you leave,” he says before letting me go.

“There’s still a few days left,” I tell him.