Find My Way Home

“I honestly don’t know if he’s ever coming back. Part of me hopes so, but another part hopes that maybe he’ll be okay somewhere else,”- Scott on Derek

Screw you Scott. You’re my best friend but seriously screw you. How could you even say that? People always think that I’m the one with no brain but sometimes I think it’s you. Did you even realize what you were saying?

You know that I have feelings for him. And just because he doesn’t seem to return those feelings, it doesn’t make them any less real. Or is this all because you don’t think that he’s good enough for me?

You probably think that I’m stupid. Maybe you think that my little crush will go away now that he’s gone. Well I have news for you Scott, this isn’t just a little crush. It’s more than that.

I miss him. I know it’s only been a few months since he left but I really do miss him. Nothing’s been the same. I’ve been having trouble sleeping and eating. I’ve been having even more trouble focusing than usual. And I know it’s crazy but I keep thinking I see him places. But it’s never him. I even thought I saw him at the gas station today. I know he’s never coming back. You don’t want him to.

You’re the alpha now. You probably don’t even care. But I do. Knowing that he’s gone is killing me. I can’t even talk to anyone about it because no one will understand, not even you.

I don’t know where he went. I wish that he was here though. I want to talk to him so badly that it tears me up inside. I have so much to say to him. He always acted like I annoyed him. And sometimes he got on my last never. But we never really hated each other. I’d risk my life to save him. I pretty much have. And I know that he would have done the same. Except he left me…
---

There’s a knock on my bedroom door. It’s after dinner and it’s already dark outside. I sigh, frustrated, and shove my chair back. My feet drag across the floor. As I reach for the doorknob I say “Dad, I already told you to leave me alone! I’m not hungry and I’m trying to do my homework!”

But it’s not my father standing on the other side of the door. “You’re father’s at work Stiles,” he informs me.

My eyes go wide and my heart nearly stops. “What the hell?”

“It’s nice to see you too Stiles,” he frowns. “Are you going to let me in?”

“You’ve been gone for months and that’s all you have to say to me?” I demand.

“Let me in and we’ll talk.”

“Fuck you Derek Hale,” I grumble but I let him in anyway. I sit down on my bed. He grabs my desk chair and straddles it backwards, facing me. “I’m sorry,” he says.

“Fuck you,” I repeat.

“I had to leave.”

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye.”

“I thought that I was doing what was best.”

“You were wrong.”

“Stiles, listen to me. You have to try to understand what happened. I was doing what I had to do,” he tried to explain. “I had to protect Cora. I had to protect you.”

“How was this protecting me?”

“You were safe here with Scott. I’m not an alpha anymore. This was the only way that I could protect you.”

“I don’t need you to protect me Derek,” I insist.

He just frowns at me.

“Besides, what are you supposedly protect me from?”

“From me,” he answers. “I’m not goof you or anyone. Bad things happen to the people in my life. Cora almost died. Most of my family id dead because of me. All of the girls I ever loved…Boyd and Erica…”

“Do you really believe that you leaving was better for me? I’ve been going crazy!” I shout.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes again.

“Why are you even here?”

“I want you to forgive me.”

“Why should I?”

“I want to come back to Beacon Hills. I shouldn’t have left.”

“What did Scott say?” I question.

“I haven’t talked to anyone yet. I just came right here. I only stopped at the gas station.”
So maybe it was him…

“That doesn’t make any sense,” I shake my head. “Why would you come here first?”

“I care about you Stiles, a lot.”

“You have a real funny way of showing it.” I cross my arms over my chest.

“Please Stiles, don’t do this. I do care about you. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t want you to get hurt even worse though because of me. I didn’t want to put you in danger. Do you think that I was happy leaving you? I wasn’t. But I’d rather deal with a little pain than know you died or your whole life was ruined because of me,” he looks sad now.

“If you leave me my life is ruined anyway. I was miserable without you,” I tell him. I know that I sound ridiculously dramatic right now but I don’t care.

Derek sighs, shifting on the chair. He looks just as good ever but extremely tired. There are dark shadows under his eyes. “I know that you have feelings or whatever for me but it can’t happen.”

I get up and start pacing. I can’t sit still. “Don’t even try to act like you don’t have feelings for me too.”

“That doesn’t matter. We couldn’t be together. I’m no good for anyone. You’re great Stiles. You’ll find someone better than me. And your father, he knows I’m no good. He’d never approve. Especially with our age difference.”

“No!” I yell, unable to contain my outburst. “You’re only a few years older than me. My father just need to get to know you. But his opinion isn’t the important thing here. I can make my own decisions. I want to be with you. If you really care about me, you won’t leave. You’ll stay with me.”

He hesitates now as if he’s torn and unsure what to say. His face is kind of scrunched up in this conflicted expression. “I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

“I’m not those other people Derek. I want to be with you. And I know that you want to be with me. If you leave…if you keep pushing me away…I’ll never forgive you. It will destroy me. I need you Derek. Don’t go. Say you’ll be with me.” I stand in front of him and look right into his eyes.

His eyes are wet, shimmering in the light from my lamp. It’s as though he might cry but I can’t imagine Derek Hale crying over me. “I’m afraid,” he says, and this really must be the apocalypse because since when does Derek admit something like this to me?

“Stand up,” I tell him.

“What?” He raises an eyebrow at me.

“Just stand up.” My heart is racing.

He slowly stands up, returning the chair back to its place at the desk.

I take one step then another I close the distance between us quickly before I can really think about what I’m doing, before I can regret it. I lean into him, pulling him to me, and I kiss him.

“Stiles…” he whispers. His hands rest on my waist.

I think that I’m blushing. I’m so awkward. But damn…I finally did it. I finally kissed him.
His arms suddenly tighten around me. “I’m never going to leave you again Stiles. I promise.”