Whoever I Am

Adam showed up at my door unexpectedly the next afternoon. His brown hair looked at if he's run his fingers through it a million times before I finally answered the door. His smile was small but it was there and it was genuine and all in all, seeing him made me pretty happy. He was a friend of a friend, and we were set up together, as friends often do for one another. I'd first met him at a small diner for mid-morning coffee and doughnuts. I'd met him again last night at my apartment. We had a few drinks and when he asked to crash there, I felt so bad about myself and I had to send him home.

"Adam? What are you doing here?"

"I, uh," he squeezed his eyes and ran his fingers through his auburn locks, "You sent me away so abruptly last night. I just felt as if I did something terrible or something."

"No, nothing like that. I promise."

He laughed half-heartedly. The slender young man then propped himself against the doorframe with his forearm, resting his forehead against his support. He seemed quite relieved to have not upset me. I could appreciate that about him. "I still feel bad. I shouldn't have asked to stay. I promise I wasn't trying to sleep with you."

"I know you weren't," I replied and rubbed my left eye with the heel of my hand. I'd only woken up moments before, having stayed up all night in a state of forlorn restlessness. "I could see it in your face. I just... It's me, not you."

Adam chuckled and cracked a smile. "Hey, now. Don't dump me before we even start dating."

"I wasn't- oh, I get it," I laughed to myself a little. "I'm sorry for making you go home last night. It was so late. The least I could have done was let you crash on the couch."

Adam shrugged. For the first time, I noticed how green his eyes were. They reminded me of freshly cut grass in the summer. Having been raised on a farm in my younger years, this aroused a feeling of nostalgia and at the same time; happiness. "I get it."

"It's just that I don't really know what's going on right now. With me, with life, with love. I'm sort of an intangible fucking mess."

The other male sighed and looked down at himself. "I'm not all that put together myself. You haven't seem it yet but I'm an absolute mess as well," he answered and scratched his chest over his plaid button-down shirt. He caught my eyes in his and for a minute I felt like someone actually gave a damn about whether or not I was going to be okay in the end rather than whether or not they could fix all my broken pieces. If there was anything I hated, it was feeling as if I was someone else's project.

"I'll be honest. I think you're stunning, Roland. I really do. You're cute, and smart, and funny. You seem to try and do what's best for yourself while trying not to hurt others in the process. I like that about you," Adam said with a slight grin. "I like you, Roland. I don't expect much, I guess, but I'd like for something to happen here- between us."

I stood motionless for the duration of a sufficiently awkward silence. I was twenty-seven now and in that time, I'd had my fair share of boyfriends and guys asking me out. Normally I'd try and fail or I just didn't feel good enough to accept their offers. However, as Adam stood their in the same clothes he'd worn the night before, his green eyes lined with sleep, and his hair a mess, I realized something; he'd come here as soon as he'd woken up. He wanted to be honest about his feelings for me. I felt like crying. It was an overwhelming feeling of what I first thought was sadness but when I tried to actually cry, it became a smile. I felt good about myself, which was both rare and scary.

"Would you like to come in for some coffee?" I asked, a pleasant smile dancing on my lips.